Hi Dorothee,

That happens a lot during meditation. The mind starts to drift to concerns of the past or future.  The single best thing I’ve learned from meditating is that I have the power to detach from all these concerns, and for me, knowing that I have this power is very important. Every morning when I wake up I know that whatever difficulty I face in the day ahead I will address, do my best to get through, and then detach from (let it go). That’s my daily motto!

I think the best way to make friends is to be yourself. I know, it sounds so cliché, but it really is true. You may say that you’re not quite sure who you are yet, and that’s totally normal. So what I would do is write a list of qualities that you think are important for a person to have, qualities that you want in yourself. For example, one quality that I want in myself is I never want to be someone who gossips about another person, so no matter what I won’t gossip. When other women come to me to tell me what so-and-so did, I just listen. I never add anything to their story. Another quality I want in myself is I choose my words very carefully. I never talk just to fill the silence. I stay quiet until I have something of value to say. These are two qualities that I admire in other people, so many years ago I decided that I wanted to have these qualities myself. So I made the decision that these are who I am, and I stick to that decision no matter what. I’m very stubborn that way (lol)! My list is long; yours can be too. So my point is, before you return to university, you get to decide what your values are and the qualities you want in yourself, and after you do, you can stick to it. Don’t change your values in order to get someone else to like you. I think that’s the best way to make the right kind of friends….and also to find the right partner.

Also, I believe that many universities offer free or low cost counseling services to help students get through anxiety and other problems. I would find out what your university offers and make counseling a priority in your life. I wish I had done that back when I was in college. What do you think?

B

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Brandy.

Hi Dorothee,

Most people at some point in their lives are treated badly at one point or another in a relationship, whether it’s a romantic one, a friendship, a family relationship, etc. Some believe they deserve the bad treatment and others believe they do not. Those who believe they do not usually won’t tolerate it. Seems to me that you were taught early on that you deserve to be treated badly and so when it happens your belief is “validated”, and it’s also why you keep going back to him. You say The fact that I deal with heavy anxiety everyday and I also happened to be a victim of an abusive relationship with a parent during my childhood does not seem to effect the way he still treated me. I disagree. I think that those things actually dictate the way he treated you: You believe you deserve it, so you get it. Well, you didn’t deserve it when you were a kid and you don’t deserve it now. It’s terrible that as a child you were taught that you are bad. It’s time to let go of that belief, albeit it may take some time and hard work as it probably runs pretty deep. What do you think about counseling?

B

Hi Felix,

I know a single guy your age who rents an apartment in a beautiful suburb of Los Angeles on an elementary school teacher’s salary. He has no money as it all goes toward rent, food, and his fun lifestyle. If you saw a photo of this guy you’d say he’s an average looking guy, but if you met him in person you’d think differently. People (including women) want to be around him. He works out every day, keeps his calendar filled with things he likes to do, and when he’s talking with you he asks questions, is genuinely interested, looks you straight in the eye, and listens. He’s totally sincere, no bs or phony-baloney. He’s self-confident, happy, and curious about things. He is alone (no partner) and wants to find the right woman very badly, but until she comes along he’s determine to enjoy his life. There are women who are interested in him — very interested; I know this for a fact. But he’s selective; isn’t going to settle for someone he isn’t totally crazy about. So he continues to have the life he wants, minus the girl for now. He has his moments when he’s tired of being surrounded by mostly married couples, families, etc., but he knows, as we all do, that not all marriages are as happy as they appear from the outside, and it’s much better to be single and free than stuck in an unhappy marriage. Also, as you have experienced yourself, around age 40 many marriages are ending which means many women are now available and looking for qualities in a man that they didn’t get the first time around, and money isn’t always what they’re looking for. I say keep paying off your debt and start really living your life. Believe it’s possible to enjoy life without a woman, then do it. Make doing the things you love your priority. Build friendships. Live with character and integrity. Smile and be friendly. Quality women prefer happy, great guys over wealthy ones, hands down.

B

Hi Hazel,

I would tell your husband everything. Out of curiosity, how do you know for sure that Jose and Danielle were having sex?

B

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Brandy.

Hi jace,

I understand what you’re saying. When I used the word “chemistry” I wasn’t referring to only sexual chemistry; I meant the whole package — something within this relationship is missing for him at this point in his life. His words were that he’s just not “feeling it”. You know what you want; you want him, and he knows that. He sees how committed you are and he’s just not there, unfortunately. So he’s doing what he thinks he needs to do. This isn’t so unusual for guys his age.

You ask: How can I trust myself to love anyone like that again if I know that people can just change their minds for no reason? Let me just say that a lot of guys at this age simply aren’t ready to commit to one woman long term. He may be one of these guys. There’s a good chance it may just be the timing for him. He’s just not there.

There are no guarantees in relationships, it’s true. So we collect as much information as we can and make decisions based on what we know. He gave you signs. There were times you felt taken for granted and that the love you gave him wasn’t reciprocated. Trust your instincts. You read to me like a level-headed person. When something doesn’t feel right, trust yourself to recognize it.

I know it’s difficult and I know you would like a different outcome. Feel free to keep posting and I’ll try my best to help you through this.

B

Hi Yeahitsme,

There could be any number of reasons why this dude was taking a shower at 4:30am, especially after a Saturday night. He may have been out late and showered when he returned to the RV park. He may have risen early to shower before leaving the RV park to get somewhere else. He may have been someone else’s visitor who wanted to take a shower at 4:30am. The question I would probably try to get an answer to is why it took your girlfriend an hour to put wet clothes in the dryer and then take a shower. What does your gut tell you? Does she often do laundry/take showers at that time? What do you think about asking her why she took so long?

B

Hi John,

I’m so glad you didn’t fall off the earth and I understand why you’d need some time to take everything in and process it.

Funny, I did the same thing you did, took time to process everything, and I feel that I’ve learned some things from you and others here. I believe that the painful experiences you had as a young boy during your development taught your young brain what to expect and how to respond. For example, you say you’ll always have hope that your ex will contact you to meet or talk, a sentiment that I believe became very familiar to you when you were a kid and your mom repeatedly abandoned you. When a child’s brain is developing, traumatic events like those you experienced affect that development. I believe that the intense pain that this recent breakup has caused you has been exacerbated by the similar pain you experienced in your childhood, and that the right “coaching” can undo the damage and enable you to move through painful experiences better than you do now. We all go through tough times but we all have different coping strategies. Instead of holding on to the hope that this woman is going to contact you, search for ways to heal the wounds of your childhood. If you can’t afford quality psychotherapy, ask members here for advice on how to heal  so that you can move on from your ex and open yourself up to falling in love with someone else. I hope that’s what you’ll now begin to focus on: healing your childhood wounds.

B 🙂

Hi Csaba,

I’ll answer your second question first. No, there’s nothing wrong with you.

Now on to your first question. You say that this situation is causing you to lose confidence and feel depressed. That shouldn’t be happening. This isn’t personal. She simply has a different libido than you do. It’s just the way she is. This girl obviously wants to be with you. For two months she proved that to you, and you say that those two months were “perfect” — maybe for you, but for her too?….I’m not so sure. So back to your question. First, you have to decide if this quality of hers is a deal-breaker for you. In other words, can you make peace with not having sex every single day? She’s not saying she doesn’t want to have sex at all; she’s saying that every single day is too much for her. You don’t share much about the other aspects of this relationship….is she supportive, thoughtful, honest, trusting, kind, fun, etc.? If so, do you want to give up all these other great qualities because her libido isn’t a perfect match with yours? Maybe so, and that’s a fair choice for a 24 year old guy with a self-admitted “HUGE sex drive”. I believe that sexual compatibility in a relationship is very important. I also believe that as one gets older he may realize that there are other aspects to relationships that are also pretty damn important. Again, if she had said that she didn’t want to have sex with you at all, I’d say cut your losses now. But she’s not saying that. She’s trying to compromise. You need to do the same. How much do you love this girl? Why not try 4 days a week? 🙂

B