These people are snakes, Carly. What a painful situation for you. I agree with the others who’ve replied: remove yourself from this situation asap. You don’t deserve to be treated this way.

Hi Jace,

It’s really tough, I know. Sorry you’re going through it. I don’t think “cosmic” or “magic” reasons have anything to do with it. His feelings changed, and there may not be a particular reason for it. Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t there anymore. Have you ever had strong feelings for a guy, you really liked him, thought the two of you were a perfect match, and then one day you didn’t anymore?  You couldn’t really say for sure why your feelings changed; they just did, and you could no longer see a future with this person? We all have, haven’t we? It’s part of dating.

Don’t contact him. Don’t do it. He told you he’s not “feeling it” with you and that he doesn’t see a future with you. He also told you there is nothing you can do to change his mind. It’s painful to hear, I know, but you say it haunts you. Why? Neither of you has done anything wrong. You also say his reason for ending the relationship is weird. Why? Reads to me like he’s an honest guy. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and accept these things he told you. Just accept them. The sooner you do, the sooner you’ll feel better. Keep taking deep breaths. Tell yourself you’ll get through this. It’s okay to feel the pain. It won’t kill you. It will make you stronger.

You don’t want to be with a guy who’s not “feeling it”, do you? Wouldn’t you rather be with a guy who’s madly in love with you? So this guy isn’t the right one. Time to move on from him. Be strong. Force yourself to get out there and do the things you love doing. The right guy is out there. You’ll find him.

Hang in there.

B

Hi Dario,

This may not be the advice you’re looking for but I’ll give it to you anyway. Yes, I believe you’re misreading him. The reason he gets defensive may be because whenever he helps you (as friends often do for each other) you misread his intentions, thinking he may want more, and he picks up on this. Not everyone who loves being around you and who cares about you and wants to help you also wants to be romantically involved with you. He has told you more than once that he doesn’t. Believe him. Respect his decision. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you know what he wants better than he does.

You ask: How can I be in love with somebody after two years of breaking up? Maybe because you still hold on to the hope that he will one day love you back. Once you accept that it is not going to happen, I believe you will begin to get over him and move on.

Sorry, Dario. You seem like a nice person. The right guy for you is out there. You’ll find him.

B

Hi Gracie,

It’s no fun to be heartbroken and I hope you feel better soon. It seems to me that the only way you two can get back together after NC is if he contacts you and sets those wheels in motion.

When I tell a boyfriend that I love him and he doesn’t say those same words back to me and then breaks up with me a week later, I interpret that as not only does he not feel the same way I do, but also that he believes he never will. When my friend then tells me that my now ex-boyfriend told her that he doesn’t see a future with me, I have to accept that, as difficult as it is. It’s tempting to disregard the reasons he’s giving for why he broke up, and to conjure up some other reasons, (e.g., he’s scared, etc.) which are less painful for me and give me hope that he still wants to be with me. But the fact is that regardless of why he broke up, he did, and I need to respect his decision and not contact him.

Sorry if this isn’t the advice you were looking for.

Hi anita! Sorry for my late reply. I’ve been busy and will continue to be until around the 29th of this month, but I did read your post and it’s an interesting take on what’s happening here, one I never would have thought of myself.  The thing that’s confusing to me about it is that those people I know who are excited by the thrill of rock climbing or parachuting speak of these activities as being exhilarating, which in turn make their lives better, fuller, and more fun, whereas John seems to view rejection as being incapacitating, creating in him less motivation, more depression, making his life worse. I know he mentioned something about subconsciously desiring women who don’t fully commit to him, but it seems that once they completely exit his life, he has trouble with basic functioning. I don’t know.

John, where did you go? What are your thoughts? And I wasn’t really banging my head again the wall. I was trying to be funny. 🙂

I am not very good at looking at a person’s past and trying to figure out how it’s affecting his life, but some of the things that occurred at the end of your relationship with your ex make so much sense to me now. When she started pulling away from you, you became needy and panicky…well, of course you would! I mean, as a boy you were repeatedly discarded, rejected, abandoned, so it makes sense that you’d react the instant you recognize those first awful signs (which you are very good at recognizing by now) that someone you love is about to abandon you. I mean, look at this pattern in your life. You’re 4 or 5 years old when your mom first abandons you by moving to Oregon, leaving you in Vegas with your sister and dad.  After a few years your dad then abandons you by shipping you off to your mom in Oregon, but then, in no time at all, she rejects you yet again by not picking you up at your babysitter’s….EVER, so your dad picks you up there to take you back to Vegas with him. But after a year he rejects you again, dropping you off at his parents (your grandparents) who keep you for a year before they discard you in Oregon to live with your mom again. After a couple months with your mom you learn that your dad has died in a tragic accident (abandoning you yet again), and you don’t remember saying goodbye to him. All of this within the first nine years of your life.

You and your sister didn’t deserve that childhood. I wish it could’ve been different for you both. It must have felt terrible to be treated like that by the two people you loved most in the world. Were they teenagers when they got married? What was going on with them?

You know exactly what to look for, how it feels, before someone you love walks away from you. You can see it coming from a mile away, anticipate it long before it happens. And when you detect even the slightest shift in the way a person you love behaves toward you, the subtlest hint that she’s unhappy with you, you panic and do whatever you can to prevent her from leaving. And of course you would. Anybody who was raised the way you were would. Makes perfect sense to me.

I remember earlier on this thread you mentioned that for Valentines Day (I think) you had flowers delivered to your then-girlfriend (now your ex) at her work three times on the same day, and I remember thinking, wow, that’s a lot of flowers! But now I get it. You were doing whatever you could to keep her from leaving you.

How has your sister done in her relationships over the years?

I grew up in a large family and both my parents worked full-time and were very busy. There was no down time at all for them. There was no abuse in my family and we all got along pretty well most of the time, but I still felt like I couldn’t talk to my parents simply because there weren’t enough hours in the day for them to listen to me. They did a lot for us kids: we had a nice home, enough to eat, they put us through college, etc., but still to this day in most social situations I keep conversations short so as not to bother people. I hate talking on the phone because I often feel like whomever I’m talking to has something else they need to be doing. In social situations, I’m always the listener, rarely the talker. I internalize a lot, prefer to keep things to myself. I guess I’m telling you this because I find it amazing how much our upbringings affect our day to day lives. The way we are raised shapes the people we become.

The way I see it, as a young boy you experienced crushing disappointments over and over and over again. Do you also see it that way? Are you at all angry at your parents?

B

That’s a huge step deleting all those photos! Well done. I’m proud of you. Next comes those useless voicemail messages 🙂

I don’t share your belief that a person can experience true love only once in a lifetime.

I know you feel a deep love for this woman, but what you loved most is the way she made you feel about yourself, right? And now that she’s gone, so is your self-worth. How can it be that another human being can have that much power over how you feel about yourself? When she’s with you, you’re a better man; and when she’s not, you’re just mediocre. That’s totally messed up! Can you see that? Please tell me you can see that.

What if one of your young daughters, say 15 years from now, was going through a bad breakup similar to yours. What if she said to you “Dad, there’s no one out there who will ever make me that happy again.” What would you tell her? Would you say “Yep, from now on you should just have fake/surface relationships that don’t mean anything”?

I remember at one point on this thread you said something about your mom not being there for you when you were a kid. What’s the story? I’m so curious. Will you please explain the whole thing to me: the relationship you had with her when you were a kid, a teenager, and today as an adult? Thanks.

B

Hi Stephen,

Sorry it’s been a whole year that you’ve been working in a high pressure position in an area you’re unfamiliar with and not right for. I understand you’ve done well in previous stress filled roles at work, but I find that as I get older, managing work related stress gets more difficult. It’s almost like the cushion or buffer that allows some people (like me) to function well in stressful environments begins to wear thin to the point where we just don’t want to do it anymore. Dealing with the death of both parents not long before taking on this new work challenge has exacerbated the situation for you (as it would anyone), I’m thinking. And you’re the main breadwinner in your family. I can certainly understand how all of the above would give rise to panic attacks and a tougher than normal episode of depression. Is it possible to get out of this job and back into something you are more familiar with and confident in that is less anxiety producing? You did the right thing by downsizing. With no mortgage and less financial pressure, finding a healthier balance between work and fun (if this is possible) may help you feel better mentally. I think most of us reach a point where we believe our high earning days are behind us and realize that there’s more to life than work. For me, having the time to do the little things I look forward to like going to a movie, museum, book store, etc. is better than having a dream home in an expensive neighborhood. Do you have any time in your life to do the things you love? And do you think if your wife saw a happier, less stressed husband that she would feel better about this move?

B