The Internet is a rough and tumble place.  People’s worse parts of themselves come out when they can hide behind the screen without even using their real names.  Communication via text sucks as oppose to an real time, interactive, face-to-face dialog.

I stay away from places that are not moderated.

I find if I engage in real life, supportive friends are a good antidote for such bullying trauma.

Mark

RoxySue

He may be “honest” but it sounds like he really does not know what he wants or that he is honest with himself.

His behavior is push-pull where he draws you in, keeps you hanging on and then pushes away and repeats this cycle.

You are playing his game.   You are his comfort sex partner with the emotional support whenever he feels down.

Mark

jilian,

Rarely an alcoholic is able stay sober without help; whether its AA, therapy, rehab, etc.  If he has past trauma that is unresolved then I suspect he will continue to self medicate with alcohol or something substance that puts his demons out of his mind for a while.  The anger is part of his acting out his trauma.

You cannot fix him.  Whatever you do, he will still have his unresolved trauma and addiction that goes with it and the anger resulting from that.

Go to Al-Anon for that is a support group for people who are intertwined with addicts.  You can hear their stories and ways to deal with an alcoholic.  They will tell you it won’t get better.

Mark

Jim,

Your therapist is not your buddy.  If he is not working for you then you are doing yourself a disservice.  It’s good that you are hearing things here that we said from your therapist as well.

My understanding therapists don’t hold the client accountable about making positive steps (e.g. doing your “homework”) which life coaches do.

It sounds like you have the tools now.  Is it a matter of practicing them?  It sounds like you have gotten all you can from your therapist insofar as any information you need to make positive changes.  It is more up to you to take those steps.

I know that for some people, they think they are working on themselves if they keep their regular therapy appointment.  The real work is done outside the office, on your own.  It is more than just showing up at his office.

Mark

Katie,

You stated that It just sucks falling for someone who you know isn’t what is best for you.

You already *know* that he isn’t what is best for you.

Women (it’s usually women) have a hard time leaving someone because of the reason “I cannot leave him because I LOVE him.”

I think of two things, 1) from their Family Of Origin, that kind of person was influential in imprinting what (dysfunctional) love means, 2) this tells me that you don’t know how to love yourself by putting up with such behavior.

Yet everytime I try and let him go I still get so upset because I know I will miss him a lot

Getting upset by missing him is one kind of pain.  Being disrespected, unloved, and not connected emotionally because of his immaturity is another kind of pain.  Which one would serve the best of you?  What kind of person you want to be?

It does take courage.  It is easier to tolerate a known pain rather than go into unknown territory.

Mark

Running,

You stated:

I am often on edge waiting for him to say or do the next inappropriate thing

I don’t understand why he treats me this way, or people at all – and I keep thinking he will change, or I will learn how to communicate better, or manage my anxiety – and all of this will go away.

I don’t feel like letting my guard down and being patient and compassionate and loving, because around every next corner there is another ugly monster with whom I must battle.

I don’t believe in trying to understand someone’s underlying motivations or thoughts when their behavior runs counter to my boundaries or values.  His behavior is all you need to know on whether or not you love yourself enough to stay with him.

I think of relationships in two ways: 1) Being in any relationship is a learning process for me to point out things that I want to heal or grow from, 2) If the pain is too great to deal with, then no matter what learning I am benefiting from, I leave.  I don’t keep needing to run my head against a wall in order to learn that I need to find another place that has a door instead.

You state that And in the beginning, when we met each other, and were obviously so perfect for each other, why didn’t he immediately end his dysfunctional relationship with her and start dating me?  Sorry for pointing out that is only your perception, not his. This is the initial “honeymoon” phase when people are just getting to know each other, have the chemical hormones going, and are projecting what they see onto the other person.

With your statements that I selected at the beginning of this post, the relationship seems to be a lot more work and stressful than it is worth (to me at least).

I believe I can do better in finding a more suitable mate that does not evoke such prolonged stress by having your guard up all the time and to deal with his maltreatment, not only to you but to others.  For me that is a statement of his character.

Mark

joanna,

It is extremely hard to let go and separate from our past upbringing.  Our family of origin imprints our unconscious and creates these neuropathways that goes down to our fight-flight-freeze responses.

The Metta Meditation is a good practice for forgiveness.  Your mother did only what she knew how from her own upbringing.  Her fears, hangups, pain, dysfunction came from that.  It’s not an excuse but a basis to understand and ultimately forgive.

The Metta Meditation puts you into this mindset where you think of someone or something that evokes loving emotions, whether a pet or someone that is/was close to you.  Your body is now feeling love.  You sit with that.  You bring into mind yourself and go thru the mantra the Metta Meditation prescribes.  You love and accept yourself while keeping the physical/emotional feeling of loving.  Then you move on to other(s) that are close to you and do the same with her.

It’s a repetitive practice.  That may help you not be so triggered by her, that voice in your head.

Mark

Mollyapple123,

Stereotypically younger guys are different in terms of being not as physiologically and emotionally connected with their sex partners as the women.  Sexual desire is the main driver rather than emotional relationship.  How old are you two?

Mark

See chart I pulled off the web…

How Do Men and Women Differ in How They View Sex?

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Mark.