Hi Tilmar

What you describe is actually very similar to a practice that I’ve heard of before.

Basically, the goal is to ignore thoughts associated with emotions and focus on the physiological effects on the body. The theory behind this being that the mind tells a lot of stories, many of which aren’t true when we’re upset. So it’s not seen as helpful to pay attention to those stories for this exercise.

Essentially, the practice is just sitting with the sensations until they ease and pass.

Very interesting to hear that you do this naturally!

I’ve definitely noticed the effects physiology have on my emotions. If I’m tired, hungry or in pain emotional regulation is that bit harder.

I do believe that the body retains emotion, especially from traumas too. One thing I read recently is that prolonged stress and anxiety can actually cause liver damage. It was kind of mind blowing.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Hi Tom!

I can empathise with feeling taken for granted.

You sound like someone who puts a lot of effort into caring for others. It can feel quite bad when others don’t reciprocate. Especially when you are trying so hard to meet other people’s needs.

It’s okay to take a break and have some time for yourself when you need to. Self-care is one way of self-soothing. Making sure that your needs are being taken care of. If you find yourself getting stressed and you’re hungry a small snack can settle emotions. Any hobbies that you enjoy and find relaxing can be helpful too. Everyone’s needs and preferences are unique. Some people find bathing relaxing.

Have you ever heard of love languages? Some people have different preferences for how they give and receive love. Some include, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation and gift giving.

What do you think your style is? From what you’ve said, you strike me as someone who values acts of service and quality time. What do you think?

I bring this up because your loved ones may be trying to show you love and care in other ways. Learning to identify and value other peoples acts of love can be quite reassuring. Do you notice any specific ways that your family shows love?

For example, my sister might be late. But we see each other regularly and spend plenty of time together. She makes sure that I’m well fed and have plenty to drink when I visit her. She shows her care in a slightly different way. Thinking about these things would be an emotional form of self soothing.

It’s really tricky when it comes to the amount of effort put into things because some people don’t put in as much effort as others for a variety of reasons. Some people don’t see being messy as being a problem. Some might value their wellbeing as opposed to working very hard and stressing themselves out. It doesn’t necessarily mean that someone doesn’t care though or appreciate how much effort that you choose to out in.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Definitely, Brandy is excellent at expressing herself. My background is quite different hence my confusion. I know of regular prayer and am vaguely aware of rosary and chants. My knowledge of what contemplative prayer is was lacking, so I was trying make sense of things as best I could from my own knowledge. But to understand the truth, my perspective alone isn’t enough. Brandy’s explanation shined a light on the truth. Just used that as an example to express an eastern perspective I’d come across on truth.

I’m very much a fan of eastern philosophy. Mostly Chinese. A lot of the quotes are quite new to me. I have enjoyed learning and trying to apply what I’ve learned through eastern philosophy and practices.

The Tao Te Ching has been my favourite book since my teens. Part of what I appreciate is how the translation changes the meaning of the text.

The last line contains many variations.

Therefore consider: advantage comes from having things
And usefulness from having nothing.

Thus being is beneficial,
but usefulness comes from the void.

Thus do we
create what is
to use what is not.

The way I conceptualise it based on my own experience is similar to the ego and the watcher. When I was younger I had no awareness of the watcher. I was all ego filling it. For a while the ego was afraid of meditation. Afraid to be set aside for a short time. With time it was no longer afraid and awareness of the watcher grew. More space grew within the watcher, the ego grew a little smaller. Within that space, happiness grew. My ego didn’t need to be at the forefront all of the time. Of course, frequently it still is. Now, I find my ego is associated with experiences of anxiety.

I heard of a talented meditator that experienced thought for only 30% of the day.

The truth for me is faceted and whole. Everything spoken about on this thread simultaneously is and isn’t. We could all go round in circles defining various things.

When we read we interpret language using our own knowledge. The word contemplation doesn’t make sense to me when it comes to meditation as the word is associated with thinking. Internally, I translate contemplation to observing or being mindful. We all have our own unique perspectives and they all are part of the truth.

Goodness? For me it’s everywhere even when we don’t notice it because we’re too busy with thinking or other things. Learning to take the time to stop and appreciate it is key.

Even with truth and goodness there is suffering to varying degrees.

Hi Nine

I’m sorry to hear that things are so bad for your boyfriend living with his abusive mother. I hope I’m getting the pronouns correct?

Can I ask how old he is and what country he lives in? It kind of varies what could happen next. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing that, you don’t have to answer.

Do you worry about him a lot?

It sounds like you’re already doing a great job supporting him. Sometimes people just need for someone to listen.

Wishing you both all the best!🙏

Hi David

It’s good to hear that you will be keeping a mindful eye on drinking. I doubt that you would actually overstep a boundary and risk hurting your partner. So I wouldn’t worry too much. You are very thoughtful worrying about a simple hug.

That’s a very mature mindset about marriage. Your love for your partner shines through.

Any doubts I had before the marriage disappeared once we got married. Sometimes it’s just anxiety around a big life decision. We can’t control automatic thoughts, but we can decide for ourselves what we want from life. Like you, I’m very happy with my decision ❤️

Wishing you both all the best! 🙏

Hello everyone!

Wishing ya’ll all the best! 🙏

Thank you for the warm welcome Tee!

I’m very curious about some of the your quotes Peter.

Pema’s comparison of stillness to dying. I hear that there’s actually a phenomenon where that can happen in meditation. The mind shuts down and respiration near ceases. Often you read of accomplished meditators performing such feats for extended periods in texts.

The nothingness and void Watt refers to could be another esoteric description of this phenomenon.

Hi Harry

It’s definitely interesting hearing your opinions and concerns about three ways.

I would perhaps agree, if they’d repeatedly shared this experience. Say if it were more of a poly relationship between the three of them.
But it sounds like they tried it a couple of times and decided it was better to remain as friends. So perhaps not so much a relationship style bond, still just a friendship bond. Perhaps the experience actually meant more to the couple because they got to explore together?

From my perspective, I think it would be better to have a partner when pursuing a three way as long as everyone was comfortable. It would seem more awkward being the 3rd wheel if you will. But I’ve never had a three way. So I’m really just guessing. Your gf might be able to share her opinions about this.

Also, I think that sleeping with a partner is romantic than a three way. A three way seems more like a fetish or something to do for special occasions or to add spice every now and then. Considering that your partner said she would be open to it once or twice. Likely she agrees.

Perhaps you’re thinking about it because you’re considering trying it as part of your relationship? It is a big decision and it is hard to say how it would affect the dynamics of your relationship. As you said, it is a bit of pressure if you both decide to go down that road. If you’re not sure about pursuing an experience like that it might be worth revisiting that discussion. Or at the very least discussing your concerns about the situation may ease your fears regarding it.

Please feel free to share any thoughts!

It’s good to hear that things are going well in the bedroom in your relationship. She’s a lucky lady to find someone like you after having difficulties with her previous relationships. I hope that she is treating you well too.

Wishing you both all the best! 🙏