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Helcat

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Viewing 15 posts - 211 through 225 (of 320 total)
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  • in reply to: sometimes i want to die so that i can go to heaven #397247
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Lloyd

    Has life been difficult for you recently? Would you like to talk about it?

    in reply to: It feels like I’m a prison in my own head. #397245
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi statix

    I’m sorry for your difficulties. You’re right. These thoughts are a form of self-abuse.

    What I can suggest that helped me with thoughts of self-hatred. Is that for me, practicing saying positive things that I didn’t believe to be true was unhelpful.

    Perhaps it is a little early to directly address that issue? A less direct way might be helpful? If you can be kind to yourself in other areas, that is good preparation for learning to be kind to yourself in regard to your difficulties.

    Perhaps you could start by writing positive things that you like about yourself in general? My advice is to only do this while you are feeling calmer. Practicing these exercises while you are upset is going to lead to more self abuse.

    My thoughts about writing positively about yourself in a more general way are:

    What makes someone a good person? Do you share any of these characteristics?

    What are some good aspects of your personality? Are you a caring person? Are you kind, loyal, do you try and help or support others? Are you intelligent or hardworking? Do you have a good sense of humour? Do you have any skills that you are good at?

    If you are still uncomfortable with these positive things. Please feel free to try a more balanced approach.

    Considering what makes someone a bad person can be helpful. Do you share any of those characteristics?

    If writing down negative traits is what allows you to consider positive traits go ahead. I certainly found this helpful. But do so without emotion like a lawyer. Considering the pros and cons. Keep it succinct and remember that negative traits can be worked on. Try and keep the negative traits less or equal to the positive traits. If you are only writing down bad traits stop because it is not helpful.

    Please see the example below.

    Pros: Good with computers and animals, intelligent, kind

    Cons: Anticipates arguments and gets defensive, gets upset due to mental health issues frequently

    What can I do to address the negative traits?
    Keep working on improving my mental health. Go back to therapy if I’m not able to deal with these issues alone in 3 months.

    A good way of being kinder to yourself is to write down when you do good things. If this is difficult start paying attention to little things like:

    Holding a door for someone, returning someone’s keys if they drop them, making an effort to be polite (saying please and thank you), buying someone a gift, or cooking someone a meal. If you have pets, caring for your pets is a good quality too.

    Again, if you need to balance it by writing down negative actions that is fine. For example:

    Postive actions: Helped people learn English, took care of pets, kind to people I live and work with

    Negative actions: Argued with family, forgot to send some emails, haven’t kept up with housework

    What can I do to address negatives?
    Consider revisiting therapy to deal with family issues. Set reminders to send emails then send the emails tomorrow, I will do some housework at the weekend because I am busy tomorrow.

    Writing down any compliments that people give you can build confidence. This could include compliments about hairstyle, clothes, possessions, hobbies, interests, personality, work and skills. Compliments aren’t just about physical appearance! Writing down when people say kind things to you might be helpful too.

    Sometimes it can be painful trying to think kindly about ourselves. A good way to get around this is by distancing yourself from the situation. What would you say if a friend confided in you what you just shared? Would you comfort them or shame them?

    I think there is one other important topic to consider. Challenging self-abuse. This doesn’t necessarily mean trying to stop negative thoughts in the early stages. Simply, considering what you think or feel about the topic is a good start. Remember, to do these exercises when you are feeling calmer.

    Self-abuse is harmful. Do you agree? Do you enjoy feeling upset (silly question but please humour me)? In what ways does self-abuse harm you and make your life more difficult? What would life be like for you if you didn’t have to deal with these behaviours of self-abuse? Would you like to stop these behaviours? If someone else were treating you this way, would you tolerate it? Do you deserve to be treat this way?

    I’m glad you are working with a therapist. I hope they can help you discuss what led to developing  this behaviour of self-abuse.

     

     

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by Helcat.
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Bee

    It is a good thing that you care about unintentionally hurting your ex. It means that you are a caring person and would never intentionally hurt someone! As you experienced, a side effect of abuse is that you can learn some bad habits. Being a victim of abuse is not your fault and only when we are conscious and aware of our behaviour can we correct it. As soon as your partner spoke to you, the issue was immediately addressed. It should be noted that your partner also had issues with communication. They should have told you much sooner that this was how they felt so you could address the problem. For the reasons listed above are likely the reasons why they forgave you. I’m guessing there were also good parts of the relationship as well as the unhealthy parts.

    The only thing I can add about learning to forgive yourself is what does continuing to beat yourself up achieve? Upsetting you as far as I can tell. What good does that do? You have learned from the experience, apologised and corrected your behaviour. Will you ever do the same thing again? What would you say to a friend if they confided in you what you just shared? Would you condemn them or comfort them? If the answer differs from how you treat yourself the issue isn’t really about forgiving yourself. The truth would be that you have a behaviour of self-criticism and this might ultimately be the source of the thoughts. Do you think you might want to learn to overcome behaviours of self-criticism? This is a form of self-abuse.

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by Helcat.
    Helcat
    Participant

    @anita

    Thank you for your thoughtful reply! How are you today?

    I really appreciate the imagery that you have been using in your replies. It paints quite the picture. In attempting to help someone else you can certainly drown. I think being subject to ongoing verbal abuse is holding me back when it comes to looking after my own mental health. I’m sure my husband would be happy if I overcame anticipating arguments and the associated defensiveness. Perhaps this is something that could not be achieved while abuse is ongoing? Certainly, at least it would be more difficult to achieve.

    Sadly, I would agree that trauma, abuse and mental health issues are common throughout society.

    in reply to: Ignorance is holding people back #397216
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi sbreeze!

    I’ve experienced something similar. My suggestion is that avoidance reinforces anxiety because it confirms that your fears are true. Whereas, if you do something while you are afraid, chances are that nothing will happen except for the anxiety and if something does happen, it likely won’t be as bad as you fear. By repeatedly confronting fears you learn that a situation is normal and you don’t have to fear it. It does take time! Confronting and allowing yourself to experience difficult feeling leads to gaining confidence in your ability to cope with difficulties as they arise.

    Therapy was a good way to learn how to overcome emotional numbing and learn to manage my emotions.

    Would you like to discuss some difficulties that you have experienced in the past?

    in reply to: Should I stay or break up? #397206
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Sam!

    Apart from thoughts and dreams is there a reason that you specifically want to break up?

    I’ll warn you that everyone feels bored and has doubts from time to time in relationships. It doesn’t mean that you have to end the relationship. Are you going to end a relationship that you haven’t communicated any issues about because you’re anxious?

    You said your partner wants to marry you. Do you want to marry him? If not, how come? You don’t have to answer here, but the questions are important to think about. Try to answer the questions based on your own personal feelings instead of concern for your partner.

    in reply to: Stressful chain of events. What to do next? #397204
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Bun!

    I don’t think that you bring drama, but you are currently dealing with traumatic life experiences.

    Good people would treat people going through these circumstances with respect and kindness.

    I’m sorry for the hardship you are experiencing and that your family are treating you poorly. I hope that your circumstances improve soon so you are able to leave.

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by Helcat.
    Helcat
    Participant

    @anita

    I think there’s a desire to be loved and accepted by family. It’s sad, even by my own definition they don’t love me, because I’m not treat with respect. I believe that they care to some extent, as much as they can.

    I’m afraid to give up on that because of the idea because in the back of my mind it’s blaming me because of my previous experiences. My biological mother couldn’t love me, my second family couldn’t. I am the common denominator. Apart from they all have mental health issues and a history of abuse.

    There’s a fear of abandoning them. I support the family members that I am in contact with as they are abused by other family members.

    They also expressed a fear of me abandoning them because I left my biological family. I don’t want to hurt them.

    I know these are just fears. At the end of the day, pain is a part of their lifestyle and by staying in contact I am subjecting myself to that. Why? Because I love them and want to help. Is that a fair? I can’t save them for themselves, I can’t make them change, they have to want that for themselves.

    I also feel indebted because they took me in as a child. I believe I would have likely committed suicide if I had to fend for myself alone during that period.

    In some ways I have put them first, because I tolerated the abuse. I have to start protecting myself!

     

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by Helcat.
    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by Helcat.
    in reply to: Help with my Future #397150
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Carson

    Wow, the way your parents treat you is awful! I’m glad you are looking for accommodation elsewhere. I hope getting away from your parents will help. I would encourage you to meet people who do accept you for who you are. The need for love from our family can be met by others and ourselves.

    Sexual orientation discrimination from your parents must be terrible to deal with. Your sexuality is a natural part of who you are and  denying that is incredibly damaging. Your parents are bigots. Their prejudice is a failure to be decent human beings. Ultimately, it has nothing to do with you. They would treat anyone who’s sexuality they didn’t agree with in a similar way.

    Helcat
    Participant

    @anita

    Yes, I would say that is an accurate summary of events. Thanks for your feedback! I think you have the right idea. I’ll see how it goes distancing myself from them a bit. It has been helpful discussing the situation. I really appreciate you sharing your reasoning behind why you left. I took some time to think it over, because ultimately it means confronting that I’m not being treat with respect, the attachment that is partly the reason that I have allowed these behaviours to continue and my fear about losing my family.

    in reply to: My sexual past ruining relationships #396963
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi David

    Thank you for sharing with me your difficulties connecting with other people. It must have been very difficult growing up feeling alone and not having many friends. Did anything happen that made you feel so shy?

    In my experience, when I don’t feel accepted by other people. Sometimes that can be true, sometimes it can untrue and a result of my social anxiety and is a reflection on how I feel about myself.

    Have there been any times when people haven’t accepted you? What kinds of things do you think about when you worry that people aren’t going to accept you? Do you feel that you love and accept yourself?

    Sorry for all my questions, please only answer what you feel comfortable with sharing.

    Helcat
    Participant

    @anita

    It would take a lot to explain. Let’s just say, I wasn’t accepted by the whole family when I was taken in. Older family members that weren’t raised with me don’t see me as part of the family.

    Their views have never been challenged. I cut contact with them but I am still in contact with other family members. The family members that didn’t accept me, argue a lot with other family members about them still being in contact with me.

    Also, the family members that I am in contact with have mental health issues and their own histories of abuse. They picked up some bad habits from those experiences.

    Over time, after asking them to stop, they have been getting better about not yelling or swearing.

    But I am ignored for a week or two weeks wjen I bring up something they did that made me feel hurt. I have also been disowned by these family members before for the same reason.

    They have habits of saying one thing, then later denying they said it. And claiming not to remember what was said in situations they are upset at me for, this makes it easy for them to deny their behaviour when they don’t remember.

    Sometimes people communicate poorly when they are stressed and upset others. Usually, people are supposed to apologise. But they believe because they are stressed I’m not allowed to say anything about the way I was treat until they decide they are ready to deal with it when they feel better. I am expected to defer my emotions when they have hurt me.

    They often blame me for being hurt and turn around and say that I am the one at fault.

    I get defensive with everyone when I feel an argument is about to develop. I feel that I can defend my boundaries a bit too much, because I am afraid of allowing myself to be abused. By this, I mean that I don’t tend to let many things slide. So if someone upsets me, they hear about it. Sometimes, when I get emotional, I share my fears and worries. That can make them feel hurt and defensive too.

    I hope this explains the situation a bit better.

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by Helcat.
    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by Helcat.
    Helcat
    Participant

    @anita

    This might be a silly question. But can I ask you what made you decide to cut contact?

    Yes, both families taught me to accept abuse without protest.

    I wasn’t beaten, or starved or sexually abused by my second family. But they do believe that verbal abuse is acceptable. For a long time I was in denial and defended their behaviour because they took me in.

    As you said about your mother before. They believe that they are the only ones that are allowed to have hurt feelings or deserve empathy.

    It was a combination of meeting my husband and health issues that changed my views on the impact of verbal abuse. Pain sensitivity increases with stress, so I became very intolerant of stressful situations.

    I would say that I have still have difficulties protecting myself from verbal abuse. I do understand that their behaviours are abusive though and I agree that arguments are bad for my mental and physical health.

    I’m working on being less defensive myself. I believe this is a result of the abuse. I tend to expect arguments when I bring up hurt feelings. Ironically, being defensive and expecting an argument can sometimes trigger arguments.

    in reply to: I don’t know what to do…or the strength to do it #396871
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Cecilia

    I’m sorry for all of the suffering you’ve experienced. My advice if you are not willing to leave immediately, is look for a new job. This will position you in a better place when you choose to leave.

    It is the story of many people to repeat the cycle of abuse before they are able to escape it.

    There are many abusive people out there and it is easy for someone to hide their abusive behaviour until you live with them for a sustained period of time. By this point, you already care about them and financial concerns make it difficult to leave.

    The only way to protect yourself is to have very strict boundaries. If someone treats you badly and they do not make a considerable consistent effort to alter their behaviour and change end the relationship. A strong desire to be loved and poor self-esteem can make this very challenging. Good luck figuring everything out!

    in reply to: Letting Go of the Past #396867
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Travel Itin

    Are there any circumstances that are currently making you unhappy in life?

    My question is if you are looking to the past to avoid the present?

    Was the lockdown particularly difficult for you? If so, in what way?

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by Helcat.
Viewing 15 posts - 211 through 225 (of 320 total)