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Inky

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  • January 8, 2015 at 4:37 am in reply to: How to forgive yourself when you ruin someone else's life? #70888
    Inky
    Participant

    Dear Heart,

    Meet other people ~ meet up groups, clubs, worship, gym, neighborhood. Knowing and being friends with a dozen good people will ease your heart.

    Every month try to befriend one new person.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    January 7, 2015 at 12:39 pm in reply to: How to forgive yourself when you ruin someone else's life? #70787
    Inky
    Participant

    Judges are fair AND merciful.

    So OK, here’s one: I caught the neighborhood drug dealer. I “ruined his life”. Everyone in town either loved me or hated me. I had busted out of the “Just Say No” talk to my kids and made everything about the drugs “Not Cool” because, well, a Mommy ruined everyone’s fun times. I didn’t worry about my kid’s reputation, my reputation, the friends, the unwritten rules of our cul-de-sac.

    So what happened was between the three felonies (possession, selling, and intent to harm a minor) the guy got two years of probation. Will it go on his “permanent record”? Maybe. I don’t know. But he wasn’t exactly fulfilling his potential with the drugs anyway, was he?

    If anything, I saved him from that lifestyle and himself. What most of these people do is become (legit) businessmen or work for their family if they have a “background”.

    In ten years contact him. I bet he will give YOU an apology and a THANK YOU for saving his life.

    Believe It,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Inky.
    January 7, 2015 at 5:05 am in reply to: How to forgive yourself when you ruin someone else's life? #70756
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Irene,

    If you were a paid psychologist and he started threatening suicide, you would be legally obligated to report it to the authorities. So you did the right thing. What if he was serious? Some people are. While he’s in jail, he will probably become clean. Once out, he will know not to talk that way to people, not to intake illegal substances, and never to put certain things in writing.

    You didn’t ruin his life. You saved it. Literally.

    You can’t do wrong when you do the right thing. He is learning how to do and say the right things. That’s all there is to it!

    You Were Right,

    Inky

    January 6, 2015 at 4:54 am in reply to: Appeal from a Broken Heart #70663
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi sondersome,

    It’s so easy to look back and play scenarios in our mind about our parallel universe if we did THIS or did THAT. Said THIS or said THAT, etc., etc. It can drive you nuts.

    Also, there is no good time to break up, but I hate it when I hear men dump their GFs during or around a holiday. That’s just setting you up to feel sad on New Years.

    And bringing your stuff when you were supposed to talk? Another thing.

    These are just irritants, and I’m just a stranger, but please don’t play mystery solver when he did two “You gotta be kidding me buddy” gaffs.

    Keep doing what you’re doing. Don’t beg, don’t plead. Think of his breaking up with you as a gift to your future self. He broke up with you so your future self would have to do the dirty work on him.

    May You Find Love and Happiness,

    Inky

    January 5, 2015 at 5:06 am in reply to: Time to go? Or wait it out? #70316
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi badaboom,

    True love is unconditional, and you can love him without being in a relationship. You have a life to lead. Even if he says, “I love you”, at this point, you will always wonder if he is just saying it so he doesn’t have to break up with you. I think he’s “comfortable”. But you deserve to be actively, verbally loved just as much as the ten year girlfriend and the best friend.

    Tell him you’re dating other people. And then do it. That should magnify and make crystal clear for him his true feelings for you.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Inky.
    January 4, 2015 at 6:52 am in reply to: How to "Dial Back" in Relationship Intensity? #70173
    Inky
    Participant

    If he didn’t love her, and he’s an attorney (smart enough to not only pass the BAR exam but get out quickly and easily) trust me, he would have.

    I wouldn’t give $$$ to a beloved blood relative for elective surgery.

    My DH? Yes.

    And I’m a girl, laden with “shoulds” and “have to’s” and “But it’s faaammmiiilllyyy!”.

    We don’t expect guys to write thank you notes, but he takes care of his family. Of course he loves her, he’s “supporting” her! If they have a 1 Mill lifestyle, he loves her as much as 1 Mill.

    And “she” IS “he”! Please remember that a married couple is ONE unit! His $$$ IS her $$$!

    Once again, I know it’s hard to hear.

    When a man falls out of love, they are OUT of there, whether they have someone in the wings or not.

    The more you listen to him gripe and complain, the more of his burden you take on. Maybe if you weren’t there all the time he would figure it all out. But don’t count on it.

    January 4, 2015 at 6:24 am in reply to: How to "Dial Back" in Relationship Intensity? #70169
    Inky
    Participant

    Just be careful he’s not using you as just an escape, maggieblack. I love watching seasons of shows on Netflix (hours and hours ~ the same amount of hours I could spend commiserating on the phone) and am absolutely interested in staying married to my DH, for example.

    Also, men are great at compartmentalizing.

    So stop being his sounding board on the phone. We call it “barring” ~ when men at the bar complain about their no good wives but are all “Hi Honey” when they get home. If you stop “feeding” him, then more time can be spent on him fixing the marriage, getting a divorce, finding a new you (or watching Netflix). He sounds kind of wimpy. It’s just as easy to find a strong man who’s single.

    And you’re absolutely right about resources ~ men give $$ to those and what they love. He loves her. I know that’s hard to hear.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Inky.
    January 4, 2015 at 6:06 am in reply to: How to "Dial Back" in Relationship Intensity? #70167
    Inky
    Participant

    We never blast each other on TinyBuddah, that’s why I love it! Hopefully I’m not too harsh, sorry if I am!!

    OK,

    1. I don’t care if she’s unemployable, a slob, bad with money, frigid, and burns the house down trying to make toast, she’s the wife. You are just the girlfriend. This bears repeating: You’re just the girlfriend. Know your place. If you don’t like your place, change your title: Friend or Fiancee (once divorce is final).

    2. Once again, of course he only shows you the bad stuff. But let me ask you this: Clearly something good was going on with her or he wouldn’t have married her! And now, gradually or suddenly, she has a mental disorder and won’t cook or clean and has a litter of puppies. Maybe some of it’s him. I know if I wanted to raise dogs, couldn’t work, didn’t want to clean and didn’t have fun times with DH, I guarantee you, some of it’s him. If he’s all that, she would make more of an effort. In fact, if she had a lover next door you would bet that that house would be amazing so she could invite him to a Super Bowl party LOL.

    3. If she doesn’t know about you, surely she senses someone else is in the air. Once again, puppies and messy nest. She doesn’t want him either! Why reward a no good husband??

    4. What man is (sorry) desperate enough to drive 1000 miles away for true love or even a fun time and not even begin to leave the wife?

    5. This is so easy to do because of distance. Tell him you can be together WHEN he is legally divorced. Separated or her keeping him in the courts for years doesn’t count.

    It’s Not just the Wife, it’s Him,

    Inky

    January 4, 2015 at 5:20 am in reply to: How to "Dial Back" in Relationship Intensity? #70163
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi maggieblack,

    Since you are 1000 miles away, how do you know any of the bad stuff is true? At age 50, you surely know 9/10 the man always claims “They haven’t slept together in years” (Right).

    “I’m in the office all day, I only go home to sleep.” (Sure.)

    Some variation of “My wife is crazy.” ( “20K” in therapy? Yeah, OK.)

    For a mistress to be upset because “he” pays for “her” elective surgery seems a little over the top. (Dollars to donuts she works and it’s from the household account.)

    I know it’s hard, but you are just the girlfriend. The only correct thought you have in all this is to scale back the relationship until he leaves her. (If he “allows her to get her way to avoid all conflict” I’m sorry to say he won’t.)

    Maggieblack, you’re not a kid anymore, so please don’t kid yourself.

    You Can’t Go Wrong when you Do the Right Thing,

    Inky

    January 2, 2015 at 5:31 am in reply to: Once Beaten … the second is too big for my heart! #70115
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi gertie,

    Though I don’t condone all this, I have noticed one thing concerning men: They are masters at compartmentalizing. One part of him may very well love you. However, there is another part of him that very much loves his wife as well. What is soul crushing to us can be a mere scheduling problem for them.

    When (IF!) he is done with his wife, he will treat the divorce as an ended business arrangement and “fire” her with no emotion. He has not done this, so she is still very much a part of his life. Sorry!

    Your daughter is young. One year for her is like ten years for us. Don’t mention him and in a few months he’ll be part of her distant past. And going forward, never introduce your beaus to your kids while dating. It’s simply too confusing, especially when they pull stunts like this!

    Be Strong,

    Inky

    January 1, 2015 at 6:04 am in reply to: Is it normal to have doubts. #70083
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi charlie09,

    If you are by nature “A Doubting Thomas” then don’t worry about it.

    However, if you are a trusting, happy sort in life, and then have doubts in your relationship ~ listen. What is it that you are not telling yourself? Intuition is with us for a reason ~ put there by God so we don’t get ripped off, and so our loved ones are safe. It’s that Still Small Voice.

    You don’t have to figure it out. You don’t even have to turn it off.

    I just don’t want you to say “I knew it!” when something goes wrong.

    Keep Your Eyes Open,

    Inky

    December 31, 2014 at 6:20 am in reply to: I feel like everyone hates me #70058
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Keely,

    Well, the peer group you are in failed. And as you know, God forbid someone tries to support you or they will be the target. You know what bullying is, don’t you? It’s not so much because of low self esteem. It’s because (ironically) of inclusion. Bullying, like gossiping, bonds people together. Think of your peers as literal gangs of monkeys.

    So you can do a few things:

    1. Find a different peer group in another place, in another activity, in another setting. Good, new experiences will negate old, bad experiences

    2. Become friends with older college age kids. They are more young adults and mature and they will instinctively support you, not bully you. After all, you are no threat to them. Again, this will counteract any old bad experiences.

    3. Ditch FaceBook. No one uses it anymore. At least not the kids I know. That’s the old, outdated life calling. And change your cell phone number. Only give it out to the trusted few who are good enough TO YOU to deserve it. If you only have a few numbers programmed in, that’s OK.

    New Year and All That,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Inky.
    December 30, 2014 at 1:15 pm in reply to: Struggling with my dad – please help #70036
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi buddhajackson,

    Believe it or not, your dad was probably a laid-back, cool guy, otherwise your mom wouldn’t have married him. But something happens (I’ve seen it over and over again) with each child, each decade, each trauma. Men get more and more fearful of their own mortality. Your father’s worst fear is dying, him failing you, and your mom replacing him with someone who could do “his” job better ~ all in that order.

    It is subconscious and his shadow side coming out. He doesn’t see himself as the bad guy because all he feels is an immense amount of actual, and existential, stress.

    Even you going off to college will confront him with the passage of time. And then when all of you kids are out of the house, all he can blame is the house and your mother. Or he can have a midlife crisis and take up a young man’s hobby. Or accept Life and his place in it.

    And as you can see ~ When men fight about the dishes, it isn’t about the dishes.

    What I would do (and circumstances have done for me once) is take your mom and sisters out of the house. With your mom’s $$ if she has a separate account or simply to visit extended family or friends for a weekend. Visiting colleges is a great excuse. He will be alone in the house, the dishes will be his, and he will see exactly how stressful (or not) things are without you, and how much he misses you.

    I have had the family eat off paper plates every time someone complained. And many a house cleaner has saved a marriage.

    Have routines in place for cleaning and being out of the house. Everyone should leave the house in the evening at least once a day.

    Then there’s the classic family therapist. Ten sessions should do it, otherwise it becomes another stressor.

    Hang in There,

    Inky

    December 30, 2014 at 9:30 am in reply to: Change or loose the one I love #70021
    Inky
    Participant

    If you are so sensitive to that, then your SO should know that looking at, commenting on, or flirting with other girls would bring on an emotional allergic reaction in you.

    It’s almost like, you two have to go places and him not react to any girls at all, many, many times, for you to be “inoculated”.

    He has to praise you in front of other beautiful women.

    You have to hear from other people how much he talks about you and loves you.

    Maybe you never got praised. Maybe someone chose a pretty blonde over you. But I suspect once you get genuinely celebrated for your own beauty, inside and/or out, and KNOW, truly KNOW that you are loved for YOU, even when you’re eighty, this “thing” will go away.

    Then, maybe, one day, he could start a conversation with a gorgeous girl and you won’t feel jealous at all.

    December 30, 2014 at 6:28 am in reply to: Change or loose the one I love #69996
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi buildingconfidence,

    Usually in relationships the BF or DH will make a point of looking away or not saying anything when they see another girl. And when they’re not with you they will not flirt or lead someone on!

    It is not YOU, sweetheart. You are normal. It is HIM!

    He gets a kick out of how jealous you are over him and wants to playfully “keep you in your place” whenever he wants an ego boost.

    Do you want to know what will happen if you gain confidence, lose weight, work out and/or dress up to look “more attractive”? This is what will happen: He is the one who will suddenly get insecure! When your “mate value” goes up you could get the choice of the bar. He will hate that, he may get mean to you and NOT want you to grow your hair long/put makeup on/etc.

    Gain Confidence by Dating People who Build you Up,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Inky.
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