Hi Christine,

I’m going to give it to you straight.

Are you sitting down?

Derrick already knows you will have moved on and find someone.

Derrick himself will have moved on and found someone.

Derrick knows the “We Need to Talk” text is about you confessing to him that you either want a commitment, have met someone, or want to move on.

He’s not replying to your texts because he doesn’t want to get involved with muddied feelings from people from the past.

You are officially in a new phase of life: Young Adult Single out of School! Embrace it! Don’t look back!

But please, in the future, stop being intimate with people way too soon!

Best,

Inky

Hi Kathy,

Here is the most important immediate factor: Have the wedding invitations been sent out?

I’m not minimizing the cheating, but once the invitations have been sent out, 100 people upend their schedule, book flights, buy what’s in the registry, your parents perhaps have booked the venue, etc., etc., etc. In short, one additional incentive to work things out.

If, however, you’re merely “engaged” (without a ring, without a date, “engaged” for several years), then I have a very different answer for you. It’s been nine years. You have a son. If you don’t get married now, nothing will change. If you break up with him for a year, nothing will have changed.

I do, in fact, encourage you to dump him for bad behavior. Yes, he could have dumped you long ago. He didn’t. Tell him this break up (or break, it sounds like) is good for both of you.

Best,

Inky

Hi ImJWL,

You slept with him way too soon. Sleeping with someone happens after you are in a committed relationship when you KNOW this person is crazy about you.

This guy is not crazy about you.

What I would do is drop the rope. Stop initiating texting/calling. Let HIM text. Respond the next day, but never write more than he writes you. He’s trying to play it cool. But he’s not that cool.

Let HIM initiate seeing you. Let HIM make the plans. Let HIM talk about the relationship.

Meanwhile, when he FINALLY gets to go out with you (probably after many moons of one line texts from him), DON’T sleep with him! He will be thunderstruck. Just be all, Nope, tired/not in the mood/coming down with something/plans.

Ideally, he will buy a clue and realize that he has to put work into the relationship.

Lastly, he is a foreigner. When he comes to his senses, don’t be his Green Card passport. Date him seriously AFTER he becomes a citizen.

Best,

Inky

Hi Mikalia,

Now that he is divorced, this is the first time he’s been himself, single, for quite a long time.

You made two mistakes: seeing him while he was technically married and moving in with him.

You, my dear, represent the end of his marriage, the end of a time of life. Not the beginning of a new one.

Everyone gets hung up on the Things. Things are things. Not pawns for hostage negotiations. He’s grieving the end of his marriage, and/or figuring out his new way of life, and you go asking about the banality of Things. He is not fooled. He knows that the talk of your Relationship (or lack thereof) is inevitable.

I say pick up your Things, tell him you have to run (school play/sick mother/picking kid up/something in the oven). This way he will talk about the relationship at a later date. If he wants to. If he chooses to.

Then ghost him as long as he had ghosted you. A few weeks later, perhaps return a text.

Then begin again. If you’d want to??

Best,

Inky

Hi moondrop,

In your subconscious your ex represents your family and your early abuse. You can’t actively get angry at them (you still wish them well) so it’s easier for you to get hung up on your ex!

Other people can’t give us closure. Only we can give ourselves closure.

However, if you want a bit of revenge: You can return letters unopened and thus unread. But not postcards! Send him a postcard with no return address. In it, tell him “Please stop contacting me. Moondrop”. He will get angry. Infuriated. And, if he’s with someone, there is a chance they will read it. He will swear up and down that you stalked him! If he’s even half of a jerk as you describe, they will still wonder if that’s true.

Since he represents your family on a subconscious level, “Please stop contacting me” will send that energy to THEM. You can even, if you’re brave, email them that.

Then your nightmares will cease.

Best,

Inky

Hi Lost soul,

Do only one thing on your To Do list a day. That will keep you active and give you a focus every day, but then give yourself permission to rest.

Check in with us as much as you wish. Every day if need be.

Best,

Inky

Hi Holly,

The first thing to do is change your mindset.

First of all, there are 3.5 BILLION women in the world. Do you know how God awful you’d have to be to be the worst of the 3.5 billion? You have got to be at least that one in a million somewhere to someone.

Second of all, it’s a numbers game. How aggressive have you been in getting yourself out there? How assertive have you been with these guys you let into your life? There is a book and movie called 50 Dates. Read and watch it. Then do it. Line up 50 freaking dates from dating web sites and with friends of friends all at once. Be the alluring girl that the guys know is always asked out on dates from other guys (you don’t have to tell them you’re doing this).

Best,

Inky

Hi Erika,

I wouldn’t want to live in Texas, but that is just me. What about other cities? Atlanta, Miami?

Be careful not to be a burden to your niece and nephew. If you visit them once a year, that is awesome!

Good Luck in work, friendships, studies and love! It is really all about you. Time to go forth!

Best,

Inky