Hi maya2017,

Bravo for moving into your own place! You have your own money, and are a grown woman, so there is nothing they can do to you other than voice their displeasure. And so what??

You know that divorce will not be condoned in your conservative society. But your parents are old. They need you more than you need their approval. Again, they won’t be pleased ~ so what??

Keep saying “So What” as a mantra when you are faced with someone’s displeasure. They will get mad. So what? Let them get mad.

Then move to the most liberal society you can and make open minded friends. If you only meet nice, secular people, eventually you will only fall in love with a nice, secular person. And have better in-laws!

Blessings,

Inky

Hi melgie,

Happy New Year!

When great things are expected of us, the shadow side of that thought is “Aren’t I already good enough?” On the flip side you have children who no one expects anything of but they have the same Prove Myself anxiety.

A wise though lazy phrase someone said to me once was, “You don’t HAVE to do anything”. It was very freeing. You don’t HAVE to do great things. You don’t HAVE to entertain people. You don’t HAVE to win people’s love (Is it really love if you have to win it?).

Now we boil it down to what do you WANT to do? Not what you THINK you want to do. But what would you do if you were in heaven or in a perfect environment?

Go do that.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi anand 1989,

I want to reiterate the above advice concerning suicidal thoughts. You need to talk to a live person who’s trained about it.

What I would do is tell your dad that you are going to pursue your talents in the city for a while. And that in the summer you’ll move back so he can teach you the business. You could run his business and you might love every minute of it. Who knows?? At the very least you’ll know what it takes to run it if you do sell the business in the future or give it to one of your mocking cousins.

And in art you don’t know what will be the most successful thing you’ll do. There’s an artist who got famous for painting a blue dog. Now he spends the rest of his time, talent and energy painting the same blue dog. Everyone wants the blue dog and he’s all “I don’t get it”.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi Rosaly,

Here’s another thing you can do. Say to your father, sister or mother, “So, what are we doing for Christmas?” Tag along. Insist yourself. You do matter. Be an pain in their azz. Make them deal with your presence. Yeah, it’s awkward. Let it be awkward. Let them stew in and own the awkward. How dare they. Really.

The other route you can go is to view Dec. 25th/ as just a day.

Or make sure you go to a Christmas event and see some familiar faces.

Everyone else above made some really good suggestions. Make a list in case this happens next year.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi Lidewiji,

You can be very direct with her. Say, “From now on we’ll meet the this halfway point.” When she tries to reestablish her version of a halfway point, say “That doesn’t work for me”. No excuses. Just hold firm.

Then invite her to your house. Cultivate other (local) friendships. Have a bunch of women over to your house every couple months or so. Tell her a group of you is meeting at your local bar/restaurant. She may try to ignore or get you back to her old preferences. Don’t back down. She will soon know where the party is.

And it’s OK to have what I call Once a Year Friends. So if you drive all the way to see her ~ make it once a year. Or if she only makes it up there once a year, that’s fine.

And you can say, “I notice from social media you’re in my area. A lot. So next time just call me. You’re here in town anyway!”

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Inky.

Hi jaydee,

Perhaps it’s time to change the dynamic of your friendship. You’re defining it as: Friendship = basketball/beer/alone time with friend. Why don’t you and your wife invite them over for dinner? Throw a Super Bowl party and invite them? Have your wife become friends with his girlfriend? They can go out while you watch your kid and have the game on TV. Or vice versa. I wouldn’t take it personally. That’s life!

Best,

Inky

Hi rrangel,

I’m late for replying, but if you read this, may I say:

I totally agree with anita. Move out of your mother’s house even if it’s with the boyfriend. If you are old enough to study to become a doctor, you are old enough to get married (if your relationship leads to that one day) and to whom.

Another thing about parents and authority figures: When things aren’t going well some will pick on the easiest one to pick on. She was afraid of the doctor woman because it looks like she was desperate for you to get your degree. Then when it all went south it was more convenient for her to “believe” the doctor woman than you. Her anger towards you is that she feels powerless and you are now the target of choice.

I’m sorry this happened to you. I wish you all the best for the future!!

Blessings,

Inky

Hi be-still,

99% of people can’t handle other peoples’ “biggies” ~ divorce, cancer, poverty. They can barely handle their own lives and are afraid of being saddled with someone else’s issues. That’s why they are surface-y. That’s why they go to church, I suspect. That’s why everything is “fine” in their world.

For the issues “everything is fine” people can’t handle, I suggest support groups. Divorce support groups and cancer support groups. Even though you are cancer free, maybe you can share your time and wisdom with other people? Soldiers love each other like brothers when they go through the trial of fire together. If you help someone through the darkest time of their lives and since you truly “get” what they’re going through, you’ll have a friend for life. Believe it!

As for what I call Soul Friends, you can’t force it or look for it. They appear rarely and randomly in your life.

I also suggest revealing only 1% of yourself per cup of coffee visit. I find if I reveal the depths of my innermost Self to people, they freak out by Too Much Too Soon. Not everyone can (or should!) be in your Inner Circle. Think of yourself as a Superhero. People only GET to know your backstory when THEY’VE done the work and are up to Volume 5, Issue 10.

Good Luck,

Inky