Hi Searching for Answers,

At first I thought he was in his twenties and had all this compassion for him. But then I read that he’s like, my age. I don’t have a Masters or anything, but I sacrificed grad school so I could start a family. On the flip side I know a guy who HAD a family, worked part time and went to grad school an hour away. Then there’s my step brother who got his Masters at his leisure and did nothing with it.

It is so easy for people to use a “front” to avoid what they think they should be doing. Like, I thought I should go to grad school. But I used my family as an excuse not to go. Deep down he doesn’t want to get married. So he’s using grad school. He wants to be young forever. If he were in his twenties, yes, sure, I totally get men building their nest. But he’s had time to build two!

I agree with everything everyone else posted about you doing things for you! Don’t be on his hook.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi Jane,

The great thing about having friends and relatives is they can ask your DD, “What are you doing for your mom on Mother’s Day?” or “Wish your Mom a Happy Birthday for me!”

As long as you call her yourself occasionally she will not feel resentful, much less forget those special days.

Some men have their secretaries remind them of these days. Why don’t you enlist a “secretary”? Yes, I know you want it to come from her, but a little reminder (if she’s innocent) or indirect guilt bombing (if she’s guilty) will go a long way.

Hey! OTHER people remember, let them assume over the phone in conversation with her that she’s doing something special for you.

I know how it feels when my birthday is forgotten or overlooked. I GET IT! No card even, just an acknowledgement is all I ask.

Inky

Hi greenshade,

Well, I’m of the belief that emotion is just that ~ emotion. Of course, we should listen to it (i.e. you feel something’s wrong in your gut, you feel anger at injustice, etc.). But we should never dwell on it.

That said, changing deep rooted habits, responses and ways of coping is HARD.

Good Luck!

Inky

Hi Shiv Nadar,

Congratulations on your baby girl!

How about Uma? Or Shanti? I don’t know any other Buddhist/Hindu nick names, sorry, but I knew an Uma and Shanti IRL an they were perfectly lovely and carry the nick/names off beautifully.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi kittycat100,

A day will come in the future. You will see him from across a crowded room and he will look, well, how do I put this… gross. (TRUST ME.) Time, distance and the ravages of age will make you barely recognize him. And/or word will come to you of him having other affairs. Then you’ll be mad at yourself not only because of the moral failing, but also because he’s not attractive enough or awesome enough to warrant it even in a poorly written drug store romance novel. Like, you will be embarrassed to admit even to God that you had an affair with HIM. As in if you were GOING to have one affair with a married man in your lifetime, OMG, why did you waste it on HIM?

And that’s how you get over it.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi cjf2190,

I’m scared you’ll push the poor guy away with your neediness. Self sufficiency is like a muscle. Try going for one day without “I need you”/”I love you”/”sex?”/etc. He might be pleasantly surprised. Everyone needs a vacation of sorts. Even from things they love, you know?

Then work up to one week of non-neediness.

Then when you do say, “I love you, need you, etc.” he will be all YES!!

Best,

Inky

Hi spats1996,

I think she was lying to herself that you were just a friend. I could be wrong, but I believe she must have known on some level that you liked her romantically. After a year you kind of have a clue, you know?

Then she was blindsided by the lie/confession. But she is uncomfortable NOT because you lied, but because now she has to admit to herself that you liked her all along. That she in fact lied to herself “Oh, he’s just a friend”.

It’s hard because you’re graduating. Unless you would see her everyday, gently drop her, let it go, and chalk it up to a learning experience.

Best,

Inky

Hi Joe,

I did get THE THING (well, it was for my kid, but still close to my heart).

In my mind I had a fantasy of getting The News while I was waiting in line at the bagel shop. My friend is in the fantasy, and also one of the mini-antagonists (related to another wish ~ but one that had failed) that was in my life. I get the news and I let out a whoop like you’d do in a sports game. I am so glowing they can’t help but ask my friend. She tells them and I am redeemed through my kid somehow because of his good news.

In real life I didn’t actually think he’d get it.

What actually happened was that we were watching TV and he came in the door. He says quietly and in wonder, “I got in.” Frankly we were in shock. Instead of the victory whoop tears swelled up in my eyes. I called my parents while DH and son were out smoking cigars.

Then afterwards I got weirdly superstitious, like it wasn’t real and would be snatched away from him at any moment. Also a bit paranoid like I somehow hacked The Matrix or something.

Now I’m focusing on the last kid and say a prayer every day to keep the other kid where he is supposed to be.

Fascinating Question!

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Inky.