Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
PeggyParticipantHi Katie,
You stood on the sidelines being shy watching everyone else making friends. You are happier when you force yourself to be outgoing but then you recoil into your own comfort zone called shyness. You then project your own thoughts of your own external appearance on to all those potential friends and start questioning how ‘they’ see you when the truth is you don’t see yourself in very complimentary terms.
Begin by being your own best friend – be comfortable in your own skin – like yourself for who you are – be happy with yourself. College is a place of education – not a beauty pageant (a bit like life really).
I’d like to ask you a question. Have you judged everyone in your class the way you expect them to have judged you? If not, why not?
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Catherine,
Your ex-boyfriend is a player and he’s been playing you.
“He was so good to you and he spoiled you.” How exactly? He had you hooked. “If only he didn’t lie so much the relationship would have been great.” He did lie and the relationship wasn’t great.
Every step of the way your ex boyfriend has been laying the blame on you. “You are not affectionate when you are angry at him.” Of course you are not. Why would you be?
He’s replaced you with yet another woman that he loves – another woman that he is going to lie to and cheat on. He is not going to change his behavior just because he’s with someone new. She’ll go through exactly what you have been through. He made you feel like you were paranoid with all those scenarios in your head, when all the time you were right to be suspicious of him. Your “gut instincts” were right.
Regardless of your own problems, you are well out of this relationship.
I hope that you can put your mind at rest and not blame yourself for things that are clearly not your fault.
Best Wishes
Peggy
August 1, 2019 at 12:39 am in reply to: Past relationship/memories of my ex is ruining my love life #306005PeggyParticipantHi Rin,
You are in a kinda sorta relationship which I am guessing doesn’t match up to the previous one you had in some way. Whilst you are harboring these thoughts, you are not free to be in a new relationship. You have conflict going on. On the one hand you want to give him a good slap and on the other you want him to see the change in you, fall in love with you all over again and beg you to go back to him. Neither of these things are likely to happen. You are not in love with him but he is in your heart. This is what most people call love. There is a line in a poem about falling in love which says “The head does it’s best but the heart is the boss”.
Find a quiet space. Forgive your ex for the hurt he caused you, let him go with love and wish him well on his journey through life.
Best Wishes
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Kylin,
Do your parents have some specific reason why you have to support them? Are they not able to support themselves financially? Do you operate as a carer for them?
It is always a mistake to compare yourself to other people. I know you have explained that you need “a job” but if you really can’t make a mistake because it will have dire consequences, then perhaps you are in the wrong job. It sounds as if you are over-burdening yourself by taking on board how the company, the boss and your colleagues will be impacted. Are there any meetings held where you can raise your concerns or is there anyone in command that you can speak to when you have to make decisions. Does your company have a “duty of care” towards you.
What does failure mean to you? Why are you pushing yourself so hard? Where did this come from and when did it start? Do you think it’s related to the bullying you suffered in high school?
If you don’t want to see a psychiatrist for fear of it being on your health record, would you consider undergoing some sort of bodywork from time to time such as having an aromatherapy massage?
Peggy
July 31, 2019 at 11:08 am in reply to: I [F32] look at my boyfriend's [M31] phone and found flirty messages and invites #305919PeggyParticipantHi Amy,
I’m going to make the assumption that you broke up first time round because he was taking other women out whilst he was with you. If so, you can’t trust him because he isn’t behaving in a trustworthy manner. He’s with you yet he invited another woman to a party instead of you. It’s pretty simple. If he loved you, he wouldn’t be treating you like this. He has no respect for you.
This feels off to you because it is off. Trust your instincts. You’ve found out what you wanted to know. He hasn’t changed. The question is “what are you going to do about it”.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Cheryl,
I learned that worrying was pointless. I learned the “STOP” technique. Every time a worry pops into your head, say STOP. I learned that you can control your thoughts. I learned to let go of any thoughts that weren’t nurturing me. I learned awareness which is basically living in the moment (mindfulness). I learned relaxation techniques. I learned to write my concerns down on paper and give them over to the powers that be.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Lida,
We really do take ourselves and our accomplishments for granted. Is that your self talk? How about if you told yourself that you can’t be that stupid because you learned to walk, you learned to talk, you learned to read, you learned to write? What if you told yourself that you must have something to offer or you wouldn’t keep finding new relationships and new jobs? What if I told you that I thought you were very courageous – would you laugh at me? My truth is that I think you are very courageous.
What if everyone got to see the real wonderful, courageous, you. Every day is a new day – every day is a new beginning. Begin by dumping all those disgusting, pathetic, boring, rotten words and replacing them with new, exciting, positive words.
Try being interesting, lively, capable, funny, likable, adaptable.
Move forward with hope in your heart that you can see yourself in a much better light than the one you’ve been putting yourself in.
Best Wishes
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Kylin,
It is unlikely that you are going to screw up your whole life because you make an inappropriate comment. Your company will know that you take your work seriously and that you put the effort in. It sounds as if your work may be taking its toll on you and that you need some help in dealing with the effect that this may be having on you. Does your company offer counselling to help deal with any issues that come up with personnel through work. If so, perhaps you could take advantage of it.
Humor is a good way of combating stress. It would be pretty mean if someone were to report you to your company for something that they overheard you saying. You can’t change anything that you have said in the past so why are you beating yourself up like this. If you haven’t actually stolen anything, you haven’t done anything wrong. In the context that you describe, you were just being ‘silly’.
You are being really hard on yourself and you probably need to look a bit deeper as to why you are crying, not sleeping properly, overly concerned about work and having panic attacks. This is all stress related. You need to find ways of dealing with this such as taking regular breaks, deep breathing exercises, relaxation techniques and so on.
It sounds as if you are doing a very valuable job and it is OK to speak out about the importance of your work and what it means to you. Your enthusiasm will be what people remember and that will reflect positively on yourself and your employer.
I hope this helps.
Peggy
July 30, 2019 at 3:15 am in reply to: Has he been pressured into telling me he doesn’t feel the same? #305639PeggyParticipantHi Abby,
I think you already know what is going on here. You have had a two year friendship and now it is over. It doesn’t really matter what the parents have said and whether or not he was talking about you to his family. It’s pretty normal for people to discuss college life at home. I think you have been reading too much into this. He was pleased to receive a gift (presume leaving gift) from the saxophone section which you gave to him so why wouldn’t he be genuinely pleased.
How would you have wanted him to word his reply to your letter? He doesn’t want to become involved with you, he’s left to take up his college place and he doesn’t have the same feelings for you as you have for him. I think you should take his words exactly as he’s written them, he’s let you down as gently as he could, and you shouldn’t dwell on this any more. Life’s too short to worry about things that you can’t change.
As for moving on, the best place to be is in the present. Look around you and see what you have in your life right now. Concentrate on your own education, your own hobbies, family and friendships. I’m willing to bet that a new relationship will come along when you least expect it sooner than you might imagine.
Take care.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantAnyone with self esteem issues should do this exercise at least six times. Here’s some of mine.
1) Loving and Loyal
2) Intelligent and Intuitive
3) Passionate and Compassionate
4) Good at Listening and Learning
5) Healthy and Wholesome
6) Philosophical and Poetical
7) Modest with a Keen Sense of Humor and Great Numerical Skills
PeggyParticipantHi Jill,
Mike isn’t supportive. His poor diet will cause all kinds of health problems, both mental and physical. He needs to address his depression and anxiety. He isn’t appreciating how hard you are working and why you might need leisure time at the weekends. His sleep patterns need readjusting. He has no discipline. He isn’t actually that interested in living with you. You are carrying him big time! Perhaps it’s time you put him down and stop letting him sabotage any plans you make or try to make.
You may as well be living in your own place and give yourself some freedom to be yourself until you do know what you want out of life and what you expect from yourself.
Give serious consideration to Mark’s comments.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Sandy,
Writing your thoughts down doesn’t have to be an essay – no-one’s going to mark your work. Just write the words down regardless of how they come out. Nonsensical, erratic, ridiculous, random, word association, back to front – just as it comes (free flow). Consider using the hand you don’t normally write with. There is some logic to this. Left hand usage comes from the right side of the brain whilst right hand usage comes from the left side of the brain.
Depression is always caused by anger/grief that has not been expressed. Anger is caused by people not behaving how we expect them to. The original reason/situation may have been way back in the past but the memory sits in the sub-conscious and when a similar situation arises, the memory gets reactivated. It may feel like you are reacting to a current situation but really your friend has probably just triggered the earlier memory and associated feelings.
Trauma is caused by the emotion which gets attached to the event. Releasing your emotions in a safe way allows healing to commence. Punch a pillow, hit the treadmill, learn a martial art, play a game of tennis – release, release, release.
Your friends and family are moving on and living their lives – you are doing the same, you just haven’t put it in those terms. What you are doing at the moment is living your life as it is presenting itself to you. You are taking a big step backwards so that you can examine the whys and wherefores of the past before taking a giant leap forward into the next chapter of your life.
If you would like to share some of those ‘negative’ experiences of the past three years, I’d be happy to give you my input.
Peggy
July 29, 2019 at 8:24 am in reply to: My first love tried hooking up with my cousin in front of me? #305489PeggyParticipantHi Katie,
It’s good that you are able to laugh in your post – it shows that you are already feeling better. As it had only just happened when you first posted, the thoughts were going round and round in your head which is why you probably felt confused. Things sometimes become much clearer when we start putting our thoughts down on paper.
People don’t always behave in a rational way so I don’t think you should worry too much about working this out. Neither of them should have put you in that position but they did. The best way forward is to have as little to do with either of them again.
You can choose how you want to remember your previous relationships and if you felt your first love cared about you whilst you were seeing him and talking to him, then that’s the best way to remember him. If he does form a relationship with your cousin and you are still in touch with her then wish them luck and leave them to it. Don’t share personal details – withdraw from the ‘best friend’ status.
You have a new boyfriend now and that should give you a certain amount of confidence to move forward in a positive way. Try and put some other new things in your life as well such as learning a new skill which will help to increase your self confidence and perhaps you’ll make some new friends along the way.
Take care.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Kel,
Here’s the positive. You have a ten year old son for whom you have been providing for at least the last six years. Congratulate yourself for coming this far. I am assuming that the father of your son is not supporting you.
You do not need to sit at home for 6 weeks during the holidays. As long as you have your health and are able-bodied, you can pack a lunch and walk – to a park, to a river, to a free exhibition and so on.
Everything changes. It’s the one certainty in life. You have a computer – find out what support systems exist in your area and take advantage of them.
Are there any opportunities to volunteer that you and your son can take up together. Getting out and about and mixing is one way that you can improve your mood and, possibly, future job opportunities. Helping others is great therapy.
Think about it!
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Sandy,
One of the symptoms of depression is that you stop being interested in the outside world. You don’t feel able to support those around you because it is taking you all your time and energy to support yourself. Generally, you are overwhelmed with sadness and anger. You cannot be the person you used to be – loving, supportive, caring, happy, interested.
Perhaps you could ask your best friend to be patient with you as you are not handling things very well at the moment. Explain that you are feeling disorientated emotionally and that you don’t feel able to “share” right now.
It is sometimes helpful to express your feelings by writing them down on paper thereby releasing them from your head or you might prefer to take up coloring/painting/music to express yourself. Also, some form of bodywork can be helpful – exercise, yoga, tai chi, or even consider having a massage to release any pent up emotions.
I hope you feel better soon.
Peggy
-
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 