Hello Anita and Peaches,

Anita – I have not ever considered that perspective either, that extroverts are without fear, but rather, instead of withdrawing into themselves, rush out, blurt out and express.  This is something I will keep in mind!

Airene

Hi Haley,

What Coconut says makes a lot of sense.  It might not be what you want to hear, but it is true.  You don’t need an explanation from him.  And you don’t need to hear whys and whats.  What you do need to do is ACCEPT his decision.  When you find yourself thinking, “but I need to know WHY”, ask yourself if it would make a difference if he said the reason was because the sky is blue.  Or because it’s Tuesday.  Or because he wants to sell bananas in Cocomo.  His answers will not matter because the bottom line is he wanted to break up with you. Period.  Then ask yourself if you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you.

I could not find what you posted before about emailing your ex.  I’m wondering, how did the breakup happen?  Did he talk to you and say he wanted to break up?  I’m asking because of what you posted here:

I read that apparently the silent treatment is one of the most psychologically damaging thing you can do to a person. It is usually employed by narcisistic individuals. I think he is cowardly for not confronting me. 

If he never actually talked to you about breaking up and simply “ghosted” you, or is giving you the silent treatment, then yes, what you say above is accurate and true.  It’s cruel.  If this is what happened, then why would you even want to be with someone like this?

However, if he talked to you, and broke up with you, then his responsibility to you ended there.  He is not obligated to respond to your emails, or to reach out to you in any way.  There is no cowardly behavior on his part for not responding to you after he said he wanted to end the relationship.

Sometimes, when I am wondering about why something happened or why a person said or did whatever, I will sit quietly and ask myself, “why is this person doing this?”  Sometimes I “hear” the answer within me.   When you ask yourself “what did I do wrong,” what does your quiet voice say?  When you ask “Why is he doing this?”  What does your quiet voice say?

We usually know the answer without ever having to hear it from someone else, if we’re quiet enough to listen to it.  If the answer I hear has something to do with my behavior or attitude, and I can change it, then I have the power to do so.  If what I hear myself telling me has something to do with the other person and their behavior and attitude, I have zero power to change them, but I have all the power to choose how to respond to it.  Your ex is not responding to you because he might be narcissistic.  Or he might be trying to move on.  Or he might be exhausted from dealing with your anxiety.  None of those are right or wrong.  Instead of placing all your power into wishing he would respond and willing him to respond and wanting him to want to talk to you, take your power back and decide you will let go and move on.  Better things are waiting.

Airene

Hello Peaches,

The fact that you have so much insight as to the changes you want to make puts you light years ahead of most people.  Good for you.  I can relate to so much of what you have expressed in your post.  I am an introvert, and still, at my age, am a bit awkward, shy, quiet.  The difference between how I am now versus when I was 27 is that I am totally completely okay with who I am. And IDGAF, really, honestly truly, who likes me and who doesn’t.  Or why.  I like myself.  And that is where it starts.

Where you say this, “I want more than anything else than to move freely and be my best self without fear of ridicule,” see above. I also think most people – in spite of how they present themselves – fear rejection and ridicule.

My IDGAF didn’t kick in fully until after I had been through some pretty traumatic experiences and came through landing solidly on both feet. Those experiences gave me a lot of confidence. I made a lot of mistakes, but I also did a lot of things right.  And I kept trying, never giving up.  I don’t recommend going through trauma to become a fully realized, accepting version of yourself.  Here are some things that have brought me to where I am.  They might help you bypass the trauma part and help you take the pressure off yourself:

– Know yourself.  What are your strengths, weaknesses, liabilities, assets?  Embrace them all.

– Know who you are dealing with and what they are capable of and respond accordingly.

– Accept that not everyone will like you and you will not like everyone.  You can still be kind.

– When you are feeling pressure, try to figure out if the pressure is something internal that you are creating or if the pressure is external.  And respond accordingly.

Your idea that a man might find an introverted woman somehow less worthy is simply not true.  When you are happy with yourself and confident in who you are, it won’t matter if you are introverted or extroverted anymore than it will matter if you have purple hair and 11 toes.

Airene

Hello Kevin –

My apologies!  I responded more or less to your last question in your initial post:  “Am I wrong in thinking that it is not productive to take drugs?”…thus, my response.  Thanks for your patience in reading through all that.

About the spirituality without drugs and being out of touch with society…I’m not shocked that a spiritual group would use drugs to get an instant high and equate that with a spiritual awakening.  But when it comes to drugs, I think most people will find a way to justify its use.  Placing it in the spiritual awakening category might be what makes the user feel he or she is not “abusing” drugs, just heightening their spiritual awareness.

Airene

Hello Yami,

It’s good that you posted here.  You want to change something difficult for you, and posting here is a first step.

You said this friend used to talk to you a lot at random, and now it’s severely restricted.  How long have you been friends, and when did you notice that she started to respond only at certain times?  How often do you see her?  What kinds of things do you do together?

Airene

Hello Chris Joss,

I have not read all of the responses.  After reading your initial post, my concern is that she has not asked you to join her in going to her son’s sporting events and that she was not open about attending the games with her ex.  That she wants to attend these games with her ex and her ex-mother-in-law (EMIL) could mean any number of things.  She might want to make things comfortable for her son.  She might want to connect with her ex and EMIL for the sake of her son, and nothing more.  She might genuinely like both of them, but have no romantic feelings toward the ex.

Her secrecy surrounding this is what concerns me, but you can’t know the situation unless you talk about it with your girlfriend.  The more you hear from her, the more you will know how to move forward.

Pay attention to how she responds to you asking about the situation.  Is she hesitant in her answers?  Is she reassuring?  Does she hedge when asked about it?  Do her words match her actions?

Airene

• This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Airene.

Hello LifeUnravelled,

Although your name is “LifeUnravelled,” what I read in your post tells me that your love/romantic life is what has unravelled.  How is your work life and family life?

What Mark has said is true…going from your marriage to another relationship without understanding why your marriage didn’t work puts the new relationship on very shaky ground.  We seek in people what we know and are familiar with, even if that familiarity is not good for us.  It seems you know about love equating to your partner being unavailable emotionally.  I wonder if you have been able to understand where that comes from?  What has made you seek a partner who is not emotionally available?

I also agree with Mark that the best chance for a successful relationship is when we know who we are, inside and out, and are able to stand on our own two feet emotionally and without a partner.

You say your logical brain knows what you should do, and I am wondering, what is it you know you should do, logically speaking?

I would also look at why you stay in the relationship, and what keeps you from leaving.

Your comment where you say you promised yourself that you would never put yourself in another relationship where you felt like you didn’t matter makes me wonder why you feel like you don’t matter?  When I hear this from people, I wonder if they value themselves enough, rather than look for that validation from their partner.  Can you identify concrete ways to your partner that help you feel like you do matter?

Airene