I’ve been in this situation. It’s harsh to hear but this man is probably biding his time with you until something better (to him) comes along. You are absolutely being used. Words are easy. Actions are hard. You’ve had three years of non-action. That is enough time for you to realize this isn’t going anywhere.

My personal belief is that our intuition can often act like a superpower. In reflecting on my life, and experiences where it provided warning (that I didn’t listen to), I now realize it was right. I don’t doubt that yours is warning you.

More context to your relationship is probably needed but from what you’ve written, I feel like something is definitely going on. You have the texts that prove it, much less the bad feeling you have. You can confront her or you can continue to look the other way. Often we look the other way because we are scared of the unknown that the confrontation may bring (but surely it is better than being deceived and disrespected).

Ask yourself what kind of life you want to live and the answers may come to you. Trust, honesty and communication are essential pillars of any successful relationship though. Don’t deny yourself those basic needs.

I don’t understand why your parents think their happiness is above yours?

The relationship with your parents is not a romantic one (the one with your girlfriend is). Why are they comparing the two? One can have happiness in both areas without taking anything away from the other.

Yes, you need to look at this from an outside perspective MG.

One of the reasons I joined the TinyBuddha forum was to share my experience and give advice to others in a similar situation (there are a lot of us; the dual life men of this nature lead is quite common and it is very, very hurtful). I will say, it has taken me years to get over my former relationship. I’m at a place now where I see it (and him) for what it was, but it still affects my self-esteem. You may face self-doubt in the future and question your worth at times (i.e. “why didn’t he choose me?”) … but please understand, this is not reflective of your worth or character at all. It IS reflective of his though. And it is poor.

Men like this are conniving and self-centred. No matter what, you will never come first to someone like that.

And you deserve better than it.

You need to be strong and end this. Full stop.

You are afraid of hurting him, but by keeping relations in secret, you are also hurting the wife. She has done nothing in this. I’m also concerned about your confidence/self-esteem. The fact that you are even contemplating what to do in this situation tells me that you have none. You are being treated poorly and have been manipulated into thinking this is all you deserve.

He is the one without a backbone who is being deceitful. He DID make a choice.

Years ago, I was involved with an Indian man who would repeatedly tell me how much he loved me, how he wanted to marry me … and then I discovered that he was searching for a more “respectable” bride from his own culture online. I was for sex. She was for “keeping up appearances”. He got married—not engaged, full on arranged married—two months after we parted ways. I will tell you, it hurt. It still hurts because I will always wonder “why not me?”, but in time I’ve learned to love myself more and see the situation for what it was. My ex, and yours, are deceitful, manipulative human beings who only care about themselves. If this person isn’t going to fight for you, then you need to stick up for yourself.

Dear Kay – I just want to give you a hug. You have not been treated well and I can understand your hesitations. Do not give in to “hook up culture” though. It is not worth it. It will further dehumanize you. You are not a commodity. You are a human being with feelings, deserving of respect and love.

I’m a little bit older than you and I find relationships these days really hard. Prior to my current one (which is going well), I had some bad experiences just like you. I was sexually assaulted by someone (my friends say it was rape). I also made the mistake of meeting up with him again afterwards because a) I was in denial that he would do that and wanted those good feelings of when we first met to return; this was me naively believing in the good in everyone; and, b) I didn’t want to identify as a victim of it. We shouldn’t hold this responsibility though. You did nothing wrong to either of these men. Don’t ever believe this is normal. Don’t ever accept it.

Mark always provides rational, solid advice. I agree with everything he said. This isn’t a “real” relationship. If anything, it was a fantasy still stuck in the honeymoon, lovey-dovey phase. You don’t owe him anything, despite what your hormones are telling you. You need to look out for your own wellbeing. Please end this relationship. It will only lead to heartbreak (and perhaps worse) in the future.

Even without the addiction factor, he lied and stole from you. Demand better for yourself. You are surely worth it.