You set your own value. If you compare yourself to your peers, you set up a value system. If you choose to go by your mother’s words, that is also a value you set for yourself. Obviously, you aren’t very happy with the value system you have for yourself because deep down, you know you are worth more. Stop comparing yourself to others. Think of things to be grateful for often. Journal about your gratitudes if that helps or you can pray or meditate about it. Spend time with positive people. Positivity can be contagious! Make lists of things you like about you or things that you enjoy and make you laugh or smile. Set a goal and instead of worrying whether this goal is your purpose, let the goal change over time and let it change you. Adapt to whatever comes along. All of this takes time, but it’s all doable! 🙂

Personally, I find Patanjali’s yoga sutras and Mollyecue’s Buddha Doodles to be very positive and inspiring daily! However, this may not be what makes you smile and feel at peace, but I am sure there is something for you with exploration. Explore and enjoy, but don’t frustrate yourself with endless search because there’s always something to be happy about in the present. Even people living in the trash dumps of India can smile, so there is no reason you can’t.

Dear John (30’s),

Looking back at my life, I spent too much time worrying about what other people think of me. I spent too much time thinking about whether or not I might be hurting someone’s feelings or disappointing them. I spent too much time worrying that I might reject someone, that I might not being doing the right thing, or not doing what someone else wanted me to do. I spent too much time worrying about what makes other people happy. I spent too much worrying if someone was going to like me or not. I spent too much time worrying if other people felt comfortable at and ease. I spent too much time feeling the pain, guilt, and shame of the past.

I spent too little time doing things such as enjoying myself and my solitude. Doing things for me because they made me happy. I spent too little time taking risks and trying things out to see if they fit.

If I could go back in time, then I would just take each day as it comes, for better or for worse, not always been driving so hard and fast towards something. I would talk more openly about my feelings, issues, problems, joys, and pains. I wouldn’t have held anything back for fear of seeming weak or like a failure or needy. I would have taken a few more slow breaths and enjoy each moment as it came. Even the more difficult ones. I would be open to not only giving love, but also receiving love and expressing my desire to receive love and my gratitude for having received it. I would treat people as my equals. Not above me. Not below me, but just a fellow human beings. I would stop comparing my life to other people’s and evaluating myself against others.

If I could do it all over again, I would reach-out and connect with others. Make time for others and allow them to make time for me. I would share more of myself with others – letting them know what I think and how I feel regardless if those thoughts and feelings only apply to a particular moment and don’t define me entirely as a human being.

I would want to be generous and help people. I want to give my time and attention to really get to know someone about who they are, where they have been, and where they might be going.

I would be myself in all the light and shadow that is there.

Sincerely,

John (80’s)

Hi Jess, you have been through some true challenges and have shown remarkable resilience in the face of them. Believe me, I know too well how hard it can be when people don’t meet our expectations — it can be so disappointing and feel so huge. I wonder if you can focus your energy and emotions on thinking about the people who did visit and support you during this time, and see if you can perhaps consider that the friend you mentioned is not as generous and grounded as you are — and I am guessing not a very happy or positive influence in your life. I know it seems hurtful now, but these overwhelming situations really can create new moments of clarity and wisdom wherein we gain a whole new capacity to decide what (and who) we want in our lives — and can clear space in our lives for brand new opportunities, thoughts, and new people who are more genuine and caring. Try to envision that and move toward that image and emotion and you can bring it about.

When I have found myself in similar situations, I have found that it is best for me to simply release and let go of people who are unappreciative so that I can make room to spend time and energy on those people who are truly caring, and find new energy to let other people and events into my life. I have struggled in similar situations and have learned that it can be all too easy to get paralyzed and mired in negative thoughts and emotions that lead to a vicious cycle of resentment and depression, which only leads to further isolation. On the other hand, when I finally decided to just release the expectations I had of people in my life and simply be grateful every day for every person who cares about me and touched me in positive ways, I found myself attracting more positive people and events into my life. At that point I would usually look back at those people who had “let me down” and see that they were not what I thought they were, and that I was at peace to have finally wished them well and moved on. I’m much older than you, and it took me a lot of years to figure that out — and now I only wish I had not wasted the energy I did over the years on people who just weren’t in the same place as me.

I don’t know if any of that helps at all, but when I read your post I really felt compassion for you because I have experienced similar struggles in the past–so I wanted to do my best to share. Now, for just a few practical suggestions. Why not look for support groups in your area for people who may also be recovering from serious medical conditions? This may help a great deal during your recovery, and you may make some lasting friendships. Also, what about joining or starting a Meet-Up group based on a hobby or interest that you have? Maybe a book group or cooking group….a walking/exercise group or just a fun social group? I have joined a couple of groups and have met some fun people. You may also find some Meet-up groups in your area that practice mindful meditation — this TRULY does wonders for quieting negative thoughts and bringing calmness and clarity of spirit — and is also a nice way to meet people. Also, how about making a gratitude list each day — and perhaps making a point of sending a thank you note or performing a small kind gesture each day for someone? This is great for “hardwiring” your brain toward positive thoughts and is a huge and lasting mood lifter — not to mention that it strengthens social connections. You may also enjoy these books by Rick Hanson (1) Buddha’s Brain, and (2) Hardwiring Happiness (just out this week!). Also google his website — there are free videos that are great! Two other great books are Authentic Happiness and Flourish by Martin Seligman — he also has a GREAT website! Lastly, have you thought of seeing a therapist for a short time just to maybe help you work through this temporarily challenging time? This is just a thought, but it may be of help to you. That said, I can’t stress enough how helpful the books I mentioned are — I think they may give you new perspective and help you with some of the thoughts and feelings you are having.

These things aren’t easy, and sometimes it is a bit of a long journey, but there is so much goodness in life….and if you can reframe your thoughts now at such a young age, I can only imagine what great things you will discover in the course of your life. One last thing — anything you can read on the Tao is extremely powerful for learning to let go and access your flow…

Please know there is so much power within you, and that this can be just a bump in the road that sends you on a truly enlightening journey….every challenge is a gift and every crisis is an opportunity for new growth and possibilities. I wish you so much happiness. 🙂

Matt,

Thank you very much for taking the time to write a very real response, with the kind of love that has the power to redirect. I hear you. I have been working hard to avoid participating in “back biting” and learning to communicate more directly and effectively. In that, I got so caught up (in my mind) in not wanting to feel like a participant in gossip and in defending the people she gossips about, rather than being supportive of her suffering. I know she is unhappy with her work. I allowed my frustration with what is probably paralyzing fear on her part, to create even more disturbance for us both.

I am guilty of attaching too much feeling to her experiences and of judging her way of venting her pain. I cannot continue to use it as an excuse to avoid the real work, which is an inside job. I do meditate, but being honest, I admit I have been making excuses and creating more and more distance between my butt and the pillow. I’m glad I reached out, trusting the solution would be there and would be exactly what I needed. I will look into Metta and I’ll remind myself that the consequences of my own imbalances can easily be corrected with action. I am, after all, the only part of this problem I have the power to change.

Again, I want to express my gratitude for your heart felt response, it is what I needed to make the choice between being the elephant or the Buddha. I’m in gratitude that, today, I get to choose.

Warmly, Sam

Phillu,

I’m sorry for the suffering and health issues that you’ve been journeying alongside. It can be really disorienting when we begin to see how directly we create the world around us. Perhaps the problem isn’t in the thinking, but the emotion that motivates the thoughts. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Sometimes when we feel we can “control” or “manipulate” nature, our body moves to a place of pridefulness. Said differently, when we say and think ideas such as “look at what I can do” we actually close off the energy that brings our dreams to life. Perhaps when you “think positive” you are actually sliding into this kind of pride. Its normal and usual, and many people fall into this. One of my teachers called it “spiritual materialism” and from what I’ve seen it leads our creations to turn to dust… the energy of life gets choked by the ego, and we plant empty seeds. Said differently, momma doesn’t like it when we assume we’re the creator, because it dishonors all of the aspects that go into creating.

For instance, imagine a farmer who realizes he can plant seeds and harvest fruit. If he decides he is a god, and can simply make the world according to his image, then he plants in the fields that he desires, rather than where is fertile. Then, the harvest never actually happens. When he gets no fruit, he falls into hunger and is more likely to pay better attention to his farming. This helps him establish humility, which is how he learns to become a skillful farmer, looking for where momma is fertile, instead of lazy and entitled and expecting mother nature to grow his fruit wherever he plants it.

Perhaps the reason it works better while your thoughts feel negative is because you’re approaching nature from a place of humility. (Or perhaps even shame, as though you carry a broken aspect or curse). That humility helps you remain open, so you’re more in tune with your environment. It doesn’t really have anything to do with the thoughts themselves, rather its the emotion in the body that co-arises.

The solution to this kind of puzzle is not as tricky as it may seem. We honor our teachers and parents and ancestors for all their work and effort in setting the conditions we experience. We set down the notion of “creating” or “not creating” and “past” and “future”, and appreciate the blessings around us. We accept how ordinary we are, how each one of us has the potential of becoming a Buddha, and so whatever arises for us doesn’t make us unique, rather experiencing a set of conditions that carries the efforts of countless beings working together. Everything from the spiritual successes we’ve had, agriculture, language, science, even our flush toilets… we’re literally surrounded on all sides by the countless efforts of others.

Much like a seed needs sun and rain and earth in order to grow, our dreams require this appreciation to blossom. When we think “we’re the ones doing it”, we naturally grow clouds that prevent the nourishing light growth requires.

Consider taking up a metta practice. Metta is a warm feeling of friendship in our chest, and can help us stabilize our emotions and mind. Buddha taught that metta helps us develop concentration quickly, because we become free from cycles. If you’re interested, check out YouTube for some guided metta meditations… great stuff! If you did metta for even 30 minutes a day for a week, supplemented with some time (even 10 minutes of active gratitude) honoring nature and your ancestors, you may find reality to be quite a bit simpler. Namaste, brother, may you find peace and joy.

With warmth,
Matt

That’s wonderful to hear 🙂 Now, you can start learning how to help others who might be stuck in the same situation like you were ❗

Namaste Crissy! Its great to hear from you, and I’m so glad you’re blossoming. Hugs to you, sister.

With warmth,
Matt

I recently started a gratitude journal. I keep it by my bed, and every night I write down one thing I am grateful for. Sometimes it’s family or a great boss. Sometimes it’s just the pretty clouds on my drive home during rush hour. I think it helps. Now I notice more small things… like being grateful that my body is able to go for a run (even if it kicked my tush), a tree that I have walked by every day for 3 years but never really noticed until now, etc. Being grateful for the big things like loved ones is awesome for a less obvious reason… because it has helped me express my gratitude to them more. And you can tell that they really appreciate it. Just like me, they are bustling around all day and you see them light up when you tell them how much you appreciate something about them. But I also think being grateful for the tiny little things makes life more pleasant on a moment to moment basis.

What a great question!

Gratitude is like a muscle – we’re all born with it, but if you don’t lose it, you lose it and so it needs to be exercised.

At first it’s going to be hard, don’t try to lift too much weight too fast. The list you have going is already a fantastic start. Keep a gratitude journal and start writing down every day the things you’re grateful for, no matter how small or big, how insignificant or major.

Nothing lasts forever, but appreciating what you have today will ensure you enjoy it and make the most of it while it’s here.

All the best. 🙂

Hey Jeff,

I know the feeling, I’ve been doing IT work my entire career. I recall a job I once had where I was bored out of my mind. So much that I felt like I was losing a little of myself each day I showed up. But it turns out, it wasn’t the job itself that was killing me, it was me. I wanted something different for myself and every day I showed up was a constant reminder of how I wasn’t doing just that. So instead of looking inside myself I blamed my job. If you’ve been there for a while, maybe you need to change things up. Maybe its the pay, the people you work with, the feeling of not being valued or the lack of gratitude from the company you work for. I don’t want to sound like I’m rubbing it in, but my current job is quite nice and I’m content to be here. The odd thing is, I sit at my desk and do very little work just like my old job.

You can try to be creative and find ways to make your current job more enjoyably. Since you work from home, you have so many options. Work in the garage if you’re a car guy or build something with your hands. Enjoy the opportunity you get to spend with your daughter because you could lose that with another job. I assume you have a work cell so just keep it in your pocket and forget about it until it rings. Ask yourself where your issues are coming from. Is it the job or is there something unsettling inside you? Can you do something about it? If so, what’s stopping you? Write your thoughts down it will help them flow out. Plus you’ll always have a copy of them to look back on so you don’t forget.

Just be honest with yourself. Talk to your boss and let him know how you feel. That would be a good start I think.

Good luck.

Allie,

Your pain and confusion is very reasonable, and I’m sorry form your grieving. It makes sense why you would be in the habit of wanting him to be happy, and spending your time thinking about him being happy. You were together for a long time. Now when your heart wants him to be happy, “SHE” is intermixed, and the jealousy and hurt feelings come along.

Which is normal for grief, and it heals over time. I think you’re mistakenly assuming that he is just “over it” and has moved on. The odd texts and emails prove otherwise. However, it also seems clear he doesn’t want to reconcile, and also is wishy washy about his grieving. The drugs and alcohol and new girl don’t make it any easier, and probably means he is suppressing emotions, but that’s his dance, his karma.

For your side, you can approach your grief in a few ways. One is you could do metta with him as the recipient, spending time wishing him happiness even if it means he is in the arms of his soulmate, and that soulmate is not you. It will be through gritted, jealous teeth at first, but with sincerity and persistence your attachment to him will settle.

Or, you could just keep self nurturing, following your passions, and it will also erode with time, perhaps a bit slower. When painful feelings arise, try not to be swept into them (after all, you deserve to be happy) and do something nice for yourself. Sing your favorite song, take a bath, go for a walk in nature… help your body let go of the pain and move on.

With your connection to rituals, you could also get closure on your own. On a piece of paper you could write out (in your own words, your own hand) “while he and I were together as partners, we interwove and shared and experienced karma. Whatever the conditions are now, I seek to allow the debts on both side to be settled, so that healing may flow into both of us, so that we can both be free.” Then say a prayer to the karmic council and burn the page with gratitude. After all, it seems that you’d like both of you to be free. If free flowing the ideas isn’t your style, I seem to remember seeing a “silver chalice” ritual that might be found on Google. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt