Hi,
My story begins with meeting a future husband at the age of 18, getting engaged and married by the age of 23. I have ALWAYS wanted children and was ready to start straight away. However, my husband wasn’t ready. In fact, when we got together at the age of 18, he told me he never wanted to get married and never wanted kids. I said to him that I want both those things and that if he wanted to be with me then he’d have to want those things as well.

As you can see, he was happy to go down the marriage path, but was more reluctant to embark on the path of children. He asked me to wait until I could wait no longer then we’d have kids. So fast forward 9 years, we had our gorgeous son. I was 32 years of age. Following my son’s very difficult birth, my husband went AWOL emotionally. My marriage was always difficult as he suffered from anxiety/depression and our marriage had, as a result, become about him and his needs. Suddenly with the birth of our son, our marriage was no longer about him and he couldn’t cope.  Unfortunately, our marriage didn’t survive.

I have since met another man, and we married in March this year. He is an amazing man, loving, generous…all the things I have ever wanted in a life partner. He is helping me raise my son (who also sees his actual father every second weekend) and I am helping him raise his daughter.

Herein is the snag: When my new husband and I first got together, he asked me if I wanted more children. I said I wasn’t sure as I’d been through so much in the last few years and I was tired. About 12 months after that I told him that I did want another child and we agreed to start trying. Then we hit a problem for a brief while (unrelated), so while we worked through it we put the baby making on hold. About 6 months later, I approached him again about having another child and he’d changed his mind 🙁

We weren’t married at this point, but we were engaged and living together, and planning our wedding. He told me that he’s changed his mind, he was done with having children and wanted to focus on raising the two we had. He also said that the issue of children is a dealbreaker, that if I wanted to be with him then that was it for my childbearing (he didn’t use those words though).

I thought I was OK with it. I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want to give up the family we’d worked hard to create. I had to think about the two children we have between u,s and the big adjustments they have been through in adapting to being in a blended family.

Fast forwarding again to today which 12 months down the track and following our recent wedding, I am consumed by the thought of another child. It is all I can think about. When I’m not thinking about it, I carry a huge lump of emotion in my stomach.

I am desperately trying to focus on what I have now, not what I don’t have. I have a husband whom I adore and is an amazing man. I have a gorgeous 12 year old step daughter whom I have a fantastic, loving relationship with, and I have a handsome, gorgeous 6 year old son. I have a loving, supportive extended family, nieces, nephews, in laws etc and we have an enormous group of friends that we see and socialise with regularly. They have children that our children are growing up with, we all go camping together and I will always have someone to turn to in times of need. I am studying towards a new career of teaching primary students, and I am very excited about this. We are planning on doing a lot of travel with the children and we’ve already had some amazing holidays.

Why, oh why, when my life is so full and so so wonderful, do I allow myself to be consumed by the thoughts of another baby?? Barring an accident, it isn’t going to happen for me. Even then an accident is unlikely as I’m approaching 40. I’m terrified of letting go of wanting a child and just living in today because that effectively shuts the door on my childbearing years. There’s no time for changing minds down the track. This is it, now or never.

I know that I have been blessed more than many people.   I have some of friends that lost their chance at having children for a variety of reasons. One child is a far cry from none. One plus a step daughter whom I love and who loves me, is a far cry from being childless.

I need to work on my gratitude.

I’m going to start a gratitude journal and hope that by focussing on what I have and what I am grateful to have, then I may stop focussing on what I don’t have.

Does anyone have any other suggestions for me??

(Sorry for the loooong post!!)

Hello everyone,

I have done major research with LoA, on the conscious and subconscious mind in the past, but never really accomplished much with it because I would lose heart and revert back to previous thinking patterns, however this past month I decided to do put some major spiritual effort into some fantastic meditations and now truly understand that it is about living the moment after putting what we want out there. All I wanted was inner peace, because that’s the only starting point.

The key is to be happy now and truly live in the present, regardless of whether its raining outside or that date cancels there is a reason for it. The keys to the kingdom are to embrace all that happens to us, because there is a greater reason beyond any challenge we encounter. The problem I used to have was that I couldn’t accept challenges, now I accept them for what they are and how they allow us to be better and grow.

A few days ago after I had finished my 30 days I violently ill. I was sick, I had stomach cramps and major headache and flu like symptoms for about 12 hours, not to mention massive fear, huge fear. At first I was concerned that the meditations had some adverse effect, but then I realized it truly was a spiritual cleansing. I had also prayed for many people in my life and also practiced gratitude for all that I am.

I did some research and it seemed to fit, many others had suffered the same, but also had the sense of immense peace soon after. I also noticed in the space of a few hours that there was a major shift from the fear I felt to peace in mind and heart. The room where I practice my meditation also had a warmth to it that I cannot describe. I felt a tranquility that I hadn’t felt in years. Is it possible that the final piece of the puzzle of inner peace had finally arrived?

I believe so. I really do.

The headaches were in my humble opinion my ego trying to hold onto to its position in my mind, but I feel I had pushed it aside. I feel more together, I can concentrate better. I am not sweating the past or anticipating the future. I am able to truly live the moment, and its an incredible feeling.

So I say to all whether you are just beginning to find yourself or whether you have or are about to. Keep doing what you are doing because you don’t know how close you are to the next step.

I’m not saying challenge is over. (Where’s the fun in that!?) All I am saying is that I am better positioned to accept and conquer these challenges.

I hope each of you that reads this today gets something positive from this, and also has anyone else experienced anything like this? If so I’d love to hear your story.

Thank you.

Best,

S.

“Grief can destroy you –or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn’t allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it’s over and you’re alone, you begin to see that it wasn’t just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can’t get off your knees for a long time, you’re driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.”
-Dean Koontz, Odd Hours

As some of you may already know we lost a vital member of the Kanary Team in February. Maureen Kanary lost her battle with an aggressive, metastatic form of small cell lung cancer. She was the main administrator, accounts receivable, muse and foundation of the Kanary Team for the passed 40 years. She will be dearly missed and her life will be celebrated through our gratitude for the zest, inspiration and generous nature of the matriarch of the Kanary family. In the aftermath of this loss we have all been faced with a vacuous hole in our lives where there once dwelled a mother, a wife, an aunt, a grangmother, a friend, a lover, a compatriot, a true leader and an example by which many now integrate virtues they’ve learned from her into their lives. She was an example of how love, generosity and a commitment to living excellently, prosperously and happily can unravel the mysteries of our time here on this earth.

This loss was a proverbial weapon of mass destruction and the associated grief similar to the aftermath of such a weapon; hanging heavy in the air most days much like radiation fallout. While massive and destructive, I have managed to discover a very interesting aspect to this event and perhaps any and all obstacles or troubles I may face in the future; within this horror lies dormant light, dormant seeds of opportunity whose growth potential are dependent upon my personal ability to shift my perspective and choose the attitude with which I will approach these days of grieving.

Maureen’s nature was to give until she could give no longer, to love, to forgive and to cherish all of those for whom she cared. She would expect nothing less than her soul and the life that she shared with us to be cherished by taking this experience as a lesson, a tool, and learning and developing from it. Learning to be more giving, more tolerant, more faithful and committed, more driven, more ambitious and more aware of the resources that this Universe has provided. More able to express myself creatively and, in turn, enjoy the rich tapestry of beauty that is all around me every day.

You see, the death of Maureen may have prostrated me, caused resentments towards life, the Universe and whatever created it, caused more suffering than was necessary. Suffering is necessary but I have discovered that the depth and duration of it that I experience is a matter of choice, a matter of how I choose to respond to this personal cataclysm. The grieving process is natural, very personal and completely subjective. A process which should take time and energy, self-reflection and self-development. to me it is much like any negative emotional reaction or thought like fear for example, within which lies the seeds of excellence, personal development and growth. These times in our lives that are identified sometimes as ‘negative’ experiences are really not confined to that definition. While there is a negative side to it, there is also an awakening to the deeper beauty of her life, of our relationship and memories, an awakening to the beauty of life in general.

These painful events need not prostrate you or set you off your path. They can be challenges, challenges designed to strengthen your resolve, reveal your deepest values, your character, your resilience, and provide the opportunity for you to further your life in the direction of your dreams. I can identify that my immediate primal reaction of fear, grief and pain was completely natural. I’ve allowed that to play out without stuffing emotions down, allowed myself to feel the pain right through to the end, allowed the tears to come whenever they came. I accepted the reality and, through acceptance, I have allowed myself to be authentic in response.

It is through acceptance I am allowed freedom from the residual doubts and weight that this loss could have caused. It is not accepting, in denial or refusal, that creates conflict, creates division and divide which would magnify, intensify and prolong the grief and sorrow. Maureen’s death was a catalyst, the results of which are completely based on my personal choice. Months later, what it boils down to is perspective; from which side will I observe this? What will I learn from this? What will I do to evolve, develop my character and strengthen my resolve? How can this affect me positively? When I asked myself these questions the paradigm shifted, the sorrow lifted and clarity and direction was within my grasp. Asking these questions may feel as though you are not grieving, you are not valuing the loss but these questions, this personal development, this acceptance and progression, is the greatest possible way to value the beauty of the life that was shared because it is through acceptance and asking these courageous questions that you develop your consciousness and perspective to adopt the sancitity of what was and cherish it in the present moment. You allow yourself to see the great sacredness of that life in a flower petal, a sunrise or a child’s smile, thereby enriching your soul and paying a deep and universal homage to the life and love you shared.

Nurture not the Emptiness but rejoice and fill your soul with the beauty around you.

Create some Fire and Pass the Torch,

The Kanary Team
http://www.johnkanary.com

I am almost finished my Master’s Degree in Public Administration. December!

I am currently working as a contractor assistant for a large oil company (You know those things you may find on a beach?!?) I am the oldest peron in my office (43). I dont get much respect. I print when they dont feel like printing their own documents. I file when they dont feel like filing. I do some other things – but the ones that bother me most are the ones they dont ‘feel’ like doing. While they meander through the hallways having conversation. I dont get included in lunches, after work socials or conversations. I could just go on and on …

I want to find work in the education field. I am a New Orleanian and I want to be a part of school operations. School is ever changing around here. I dont want to teach. I want to be a part of making sure scores and monies are correctly being appropriated. I want to be a part of the positive eductional changes that every child in this area deserves. I pay for my daughter to attend school. But not all have that luxury. I know that I can be a positive force in this field. I am of zest, grit, self-control, hope, love, social intelligence, gratitude, and I have a sense of humor!

I feel lost. Job searching is not easy. I worry that my weight will stop me. I want to be more confident. I want to lead. I hate what is happening to me. But I like venting!!

And even though I have made up my mind that I would not … why wouldnt they want to hire me here? Its very demeaning. I have as mucn or more education and experience than the 23 year olds they do hire?!? Oh just forget I said that! Ugh!

Happy Friday! <3 Sending love, hope and joy for the weekend!

Quick! What are the first few things that come to mind when you hear “Stoic?” You probably think someone who is emotionless, maybe a sad face.

Wrong!

Stoicism is actually a great philosophy that I personally believe is the ultimate self-improvement philosophy. I’ve actually written an article on the subject, but I’ll try to briefly summarize it here.

The Stoics main goal is to remove or minimize all negative emotions from their lives. Negative emotions include: anger, sadness, dissatisfaction, etc. Their other goal is to learn to truly appreciate everything in life.

They achieve both goals through multiple mental practices that you can do on a daily basis.

The first technique they use is called “Negative Visualization.”

Here is an excerpt from my article so you can get an idea of negative visualization:

In a nutshell, negative visualization is the periodic practice of imagining the worst-case scenario almost at all times. You should mentally picture losing the ones you cherish the most and imagine being at your lowest.
You may think doing this would raise a pessimist out of you, but in actuality Stoicism forms full-grown optimists who don’t take things for granted, but instead love every second of life’s fortunes.

One of the examples from the book contrasts two fathers. One father plays with his daughter and obviously loves her, however, he does not spend every second truly treasuring her current presence. To him there is always tomorrow to spend time with her. The second father knows that life is short and fleeting. He truly loves his daughter as much as the first, but he does not take a moment for granted as he constantly and consciously thinks about her mortality.

Now tragically both daughters have passed away. The first father is miserable and is a complete train wreck, feeling guilty for having taken her presence for granted. The second father, emotionally damaged as the first, can take solace in the idea that he took advantage of every second he could with his beloved daughter and mentally prepared for her passing on a daily basis. There was nothing he could have done that had not already been done.

This practice makes you realize you are very fortunate to be enjoying your current possessions, whether material or psychological (you could be insane and mentally broken.) You begin to hold what you have in higher value as you’re living life and you begin to be grateful for everything while simultaneously preparing you in case of tragic loss.

Another idea that Stoicism tackles is the problem of “hedonic adaptation.” We all assume more money = more happiness right? Well… The truth is more like more money means temporary increases in happiness, but then you baseline and return to your previous state of happiness with more desires. It’s also called a hedonic treadmill and you can see why.

Stoics counter the hedonic treadmill by consciously wanting what they have. Whoa! Did you ever think about that? That’s a whole new level to gratitude. Being grateful and thinking about how lucky you are isn’t enough. You have to consciously want what you already have.

I didn’t want to make this forum post TOO long, but I do go more in-depth to Stoicism and even make book recommendations on the subject. I don’t think I’m breaking the no new thread for just self-promotion rule because this article is highly relevant in this case.

Hope you guys consider giving Stoicism a chance! I’d love to see a discussion kick off here.