Posts tagged with “judgment”
Three Unexpected, Life-Changing Lessons I Learned at a Silent Retreat
“Every moment is a choice to begin again.” ~Unknown
By day three of the five-day silent retreat I found myself wondering, “Why did I do this again?”
The pain of sitting in lotus position for eight hours a day was testing my patience. I was frustrated that my mind would only be still for a few moments, before interrupting itself with commentary on the fact that my mind was still, and I wasn’t feeling any spiritual awakening—although not being a particularly “spiritual” person, this wasn’t entirely surprising
So why had I decided to go on a silent retreat in the …
How We Suffer When We Judge Other People’s Choices
“The greatest gift you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.” ~Brian Tracy
Two months ago I travelled back home to Connecticut to care for a sick parent. My dad was preparing for cancer treatment, trying to figure out the medical system, and packing up to move all at the same time. He was overwhelmed with stress and exhausted from his pain medication. As a caring and health-conscious daughter, I was eager to help.
I had visions of cooking him meals of steamed greens and healthy soups. And I stocked my suitcase with supplements that …
The Truth Behind Judging Others and Why We Do It
“Judging is preventing us from understanding a new truth. Free yourself from the rules of old judgments and create the space for new understanding.” ~Steve Maraboli
For a long time, I was a judgmental person. I would look at other people walking along the street—who had no idea I was even paying them any attention—and make all kinds of comments based on their appearance, their dress sense, the way they talk, walk, their weight—anything that took my fancy.
“She shouldn’t be wearing that skirt—it’s too short.”
“She should focus on losing weight, not scarfing down that bar of chocolate.”
“Her …
How We Can Stop Judging Others and Ourselves
“There is no path to peace. Peace is the path.” ~Mahatma Gandhi
We live in a world of ticker headlines, 24/7 news, and constantly updating Instagram and Facebook feeds. We are constantly making snap-decision judgment calls, categorizing what we see into “good,” “bad,” or “unimportant.”
In a second, we can see an image and believe we have all we need to form a fully realized opinion.
It’s in our biological wiring to judge everything we see—it’s how we have survived for generations upon generations. We are in a constant state of scanning our environment for threats and attempting to efficiently …
6 Lessons to Remember When Someone Judges or Criticizes You
“Every judgment, all of them, point back to a judgment we hold against ourselves.” ~Lynne Forrest
I sat across from my good friend Anna over a cup of coffee. We had been having issues in our friendship and had finally gotten together to discuss them. I’m not a fan of conflict and call myself a “recovering people pleaser,” so I was very nervous.
I noticed immediately that the conversation didn’t seem to be going very well. I addressed my issues concerning our friendship and tried hard to own my part. But Anna kept saying things like, “There are …
Choose to Shine: Your Smile Is More Powerful Than You Think
“Shine like the whole Universe is yours.” ~Rumi
I had a revolutionary experience at a grocery store. Yes, a grocery store. I’ll never forget that day.
I believe that some of the most mundane and unimportant places I’ve visited have been the bedrock of my spiritual growth.
There is so much to witness at a store: people frantically trying to load up for the weekend, elderly in their motorized carts, people in line glued to their smart phones, and then of course the workers that 90% of the time seem achingly miserable and sad.
It was like any other day …
3 Things We Can All Do to Create Stronger, Happier Relationships
“Love is the absence of judgment.” ~Dalai Lama
I used to be one of those moms.
Let me explain.
I was a single mom for literally my daughter’s entire childhood. That’s okay—I was a control freak, so it really suited me. I got to make all the decisions. Perfect!
And it was… for me. Not so much for my daughter, but then in those days I was only focused on getting through the day and paying the bills.
We coped. I made the rules, set the boundaries, and expected her to tow the line.
Which she mostly did, …
Why We Need to Stop Judging Our Feelings
“Your emotions are meant to fluctuate, just like your blood pressure is meant to fluctuate. It’s a system that’s supposed to move back and forth, between happy and unhappy. That’s how the system guides you through the world.” ~Daniel Gilbert
As a highly sensitive person I experience emotions very deeply, though it’s not usually obvious to others that I’m having such strong internal reactions.
For those not familiar with this trait, high sensitivity is not a defect or a personality flaw; it simply means that you experience sensory and emotional input more strongly than non-sensitive people.
Of course, this …
What to Do When the World Doesn’t Get You
“Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” ~Pema Chödrön
For as long as I can remember, I have always been a little different, defiantly so.
I was that child who never liked cartoons. I was nicknamed “the little old lady” for the things I said at the age of five.
I was that girl from northern Vietnam who refused to change her accent and use of language while schooling in the south, despite being made a subject of ridicule for that.
I was the only pupil that felt indignant about having analyses of literature imposed on us at …
True Connection Happens When We Release Cynicism and Judgment
“Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t.” ~Bill Nye
It’s cool to be a little cynical, right? We’ve all seen the movies; we know an air of ennui and a well-cultivated sneer is all a person needs to get by.
When I was in my early twenties I used to archly describe myself as an “optimistic cynic.” To me, it sounded cool. I was playing in bands, and I’d decided this was how I wanted to show up to the world.
Back then I responded to everything, whether good or bad, exciting or not, through a filter of …
Falling Apart at Inconvenient Times: Why There Is No Shame in Public Pain
“The major block to compassion is the judgment in our minds. Judgment is the mind’s primary tool of separation.” ~David R. Hamilton
On the evening of October 28, 2014, the phone rang. When I heard my stepmother’s voice, immediately, I thought, “This can’t be good.”
Last I had heard, my father was resting comfortably after routine surgery earlier that day. Now it was past midnight in North Carolina.
“Jill,” my stepmother implored, “please talk to the nurses. I have no idea what they are trying to tell me.” Sometimes we cannot listen to what we do not want to hear.…
The Truth About Social Anxiety and 5 Ways to Relieve It
“Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us, when in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen and taking flight.” ~Brené Brown
About fifteen million adults suffer from social anxiety according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Fifteen million. And we’re not just talking about what you’d call shyness. We’re talking about big fears of judgment and scrutinization from others.
When we hear statistics it can be difficult to remember the humanness of those numbers. These are people who want to find love, who want to make …
No Matter What You Tell Yourself, There Is Nothing Wrong with You
“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” ~Bronnie Ware from Top Five Regrets of the Dying.
I wish I could remember the exact moment I mis-learned that being myself wasn’t going to cut it.
It happened early. Maybe kindergarten. I didn’t do it consciously, but at some undetectable moment, I put my real self in a box and created someone else. This new me was so much better—always happy, very accommodating, super quick and witty, and an expert at everything.
This new me was almost impossible to …
You Are Beautiful; Can You See It?
“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” ~Confucius
This is my sister Cindy and me when we were little. If you look closely you may be able to tell that Cindy has Down Syndrome. This was a long time ago and one of my most favorite pictures. I am now fifty-eight and Cindy would be sixty this month.
I followed Cindy into this world and I was with her three years ago when she left. I am who I am in this world because of Cindy. She taught me all of the most important things about life through being …
How to Stop Being a Victim of Your Own High Expectations
“The outward freedom that we shall attain will only be in exact proportion to the inward freedom to which we may have grown at a given moment. And if this is a correct view of freedom, our chief energy must be concentrated on achieving reform from within.” ~Gandhi
If someone asked you to recall the last time you were kind to yourself, would you struggle to bring up that memory?
At one point in time, I couldn’t remember ever being kind to myself.
I grew up with a lot of expectations from a demanding mother and other caretakers. Their expectations …
Dealing with “Haters”: How to Rise Above the Negative
“The final proof of greatness lies in being about to endure criticism without resentment.” ~Elbert Hubbard
A splash of tequila to the unsuspecting open eyes is a brutal way to learn that someone has a problem with you.
My brother’s girlfriend was drunk at the time, and laughing so hard at the sting of my agony that she had a bathroom accident. I hadn’t provoked her in any way. It was just one of those things that make you wonder.
Later I would come to find out how much she secretly detested my academic success.
I didn’t understand it at …
4 Ways to Deal With Criticism So It Doesn’t Get You Down
“The final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure criticism without resentment.” ~Elbert Hubbard
Are you afraid of receiving criticism?
Even if it’s minor or well-meaning, criticism can feel like a punch in the gut.
And if you let it, criticism can leave you feeling down and resentful for days or weeks after.
As the music director at my church, I occasionally receive negative feedback from members of the community.
After services one Sunday, a congregant came up to offer some critique of my music selections. At first it felt like a full-on attack. I didn’t even have …
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