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Posts tagged with “people-pleasing”

I Used to Think Being Easy to Get Along with Was a Compliment

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“Being easy to please is often mistaken for having no needs at all.” ~Unknown

We’d been together four years when my husband turned to me in the car and asked, completely out of nowhere, “What’s your favorite color?”

I laughed, assuming he was joking. He wasn’t.

“I’m serious,” he said. “I realized I don’t actually know. I know mine’s blue. I don’t know yours.”

I opened my mouth to answer, and nothing came out. Not because I didn’t have a favorite color. Because I genuinely couldn’t remember the last time anyone had asked me a question like that, and my …

Healing Is Happening Even When You Can’t See It

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“One never notices what has been done; one can only see what remains to be done.” ~Marie Curie

I almost didn’t go to my cousin’s wedding.

Not because I didn’t want to celebrate her. I did. But the thought of walking into a room full of people who knew the version of me from two years ago felt unbearable.

They knew that version well.

The one who cried in bathroom stalls at family gatherings. Who smiled through dinners while silently replaying an argument from three days earlier. Who drank a little too much at Christmas because it was easier than …

Learning to Speak Up When You Were Taught That Your Feelings Don’t Matter

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“A proper grown-up communicates clearly and assertively.”

This is something I have heard many people say.

By that definition, I wouldn’t have been classed as a proper grown-up for most of my life.

There was a time when I couldn’t even ask someone for a glass of water. I know that might seem crazy to some people, and for a long time I did feel crazy for it.

Why couldn’t I do the things others did without even thinking about it? Why couldn’t I just say what I needed to say? Why couldn’t I just be normal?

Those questions …

A Little-Known Truth About People-Pleasing and How to Stop (for Good)

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“Being a people-pleaser may be more than a personality trait; it could be a response to serious trauma.” ~Alex Bachert

Growing up in a home, school, and church that placed a lot of value on good behavior, self-discipline, and corporal punishment, I was a model child. There could have been an American Girl doll designed after me—the well-mannered church girl with a nineties hair bow edition.

I was quiet and pleasant and never got sent to the principal’s office. Complaining and “ugly” emotions were simply not allowed. Though I was very rambunctious and “rebellious” as a toddler, all of that …

From People-Pleasing to Self-Trust: How to Come Back to Yourself

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“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” ~Carl Jung

Where did I want to go out to eat?

The question was straightforward, and the answer should have been easy. But as my mind flipped through the options, my thoughts weren’t focused on what I wanted. Instead, I was preoccupied with making the right choice, the one least likely to cause tension.

Yes, my partner had asked where I wanted to go. But over time, I learned that answering honestly often came with consequences. My choice might be questioned, dismissed, or turned into a debate. If …

Boundaries Begin Within: A Simple Insight That Changed My Life

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“I used to tolerate a lot because I didn’t want to lose people. Now I set boundaries because I don’t want to lose myself.” ~Anonymous

I used to feel stretched and depleted in my own life, drained by obligations, and confused about why I felt overwhelmed even when everything looked ‘fine.’ At the time, I didn’t connect this exhaustion to boundaries at all. I simply knew the way I was living required a lot of me, even though I couldn’t yet name what this was really about.

For a long time, I didn’t have language for what was happening …

Why Trying to Be Good Enough Kept Me Feeling Empty

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“The opposite of belonging is not isolation—it’s fitting in.” ~Brené Brown

One of my earliest memories comes from kindergarten.

My mom had bought me a new pair of navy-blue corduroy pants for an event at school. We didn’t get new clothes often, so this felt important. But what stayed with me wasn’t the pants themselves or the event—it was the way I felt wearing them.

I remember standing there, already tense, afraid that the other kids would think I looked stupid. Afraid they wouldn’t want to play with me. Afraid that being different, even in something small, would mean I …

Letting Go of the “Good Person” Identity and Spiritual Expectations

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“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ~Lao Tzu

For many years, I was deeply involved in spiritual communities—satsangs, meditation centers, ashrams, and groups focused on positivity, service, and personal growth. These places gave me comfort, community, and a sense of purpose. But they also shaped something inside me that I didn’t fully recognize until much later:

I had built my self-worth around being a “good person.”

On the surface, it sounds harmless. Who doesn’t want to be good, kind, and helpful? But looking back, I see how the pressure I put …

Why Your Friendships Make You Feel Anxious and Overthink Everything

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“Many of our relationship struggles are not character flaws but survival strategies that once made sense.” ~Unknown

Throughout my life I’ve often been described as confident and outgoing. I can be the “life and soul” of a party and am able to strike up conversations with a wide variety of people.

But what nobody would have guessed is that I secretly struggled to navigate close friendships. I used to overthink every unanswered text, I felt I needed to please to keep friends close, and I even pushed friends away because I thought they didn’t care.

What made it worse was …

Learning to Feel Safe Resting After a Lifetime of People-Pleasing

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“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.” ~John Lubbock

For years, I thought exhaustion was a sign I lived fully and did my best that day. I felt proud of being exhausted. I squeezed every bit out of the day, and there was nothing left.

If I felt tired, I pushed myself to do just one more thing. It was always just one more thing. If I needed …

How to Stay Kind Without Losing Yourself to Toxic Behavior

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“The strongest people are the ones who are still kind after the world tore them apart.” ~Raven Emotion

A few months ago, I stopped being friends with my best friend from childhood, whom I had always considered like my brother.

It was a tough decision, but I had to make it.

In the past five years, my friend (let’s call him Andy) had become increasingly rude and dismissive toward my feelings.

Not a single week went by without him criticizing me for being optimistic and for never giving up despite being a “failure.”

Still, I tried to be understanding. I …

3 Surprising Causes of Burnout That Most People Miss

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“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.” ~Lucille Ball

The first time I experienced burnout, I was twenty-six.

I was at the height of my career in London, doing it all, and yet I somehow found myself back at my parents’ house, sobbing in my mom’s car, after signing myself off from work, not having a clue how I landed there.

Burnout isn’t just about being tired from overexertion. It’s when we reach physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion after pushing ourselves past our capacity for too long.

When we finally stop, often against our will, all the confusing …

It’s Okay to Disappoint People When You’re Honoring Yourself

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“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” ~Brené Brown

On a recent day trip to the Yuba River with my daughter and two friends, unexpected tensions arose, offering me a chance to reflect on a lifelong pattern that has often complicated my relationships. It was a beautiful day, and I’d been looking forward to soaking up the sun and relaxing by the water—but my friend had a more adventurous day in mind.

Though a footbridge led to a clear trail, she suggested we take a more difficult route over …

From Pain to Power: Letting Go of Approval to Love Myself

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“If you love yourself, it doesn’t matter if other people like you because you don’t need their approval to feel good about yourself.” ~Lori Deschene

For most of my life, I worried about what others thought. Every move I made felt like a performance for someone else. I’d built my life on their approval.

Then came the losses. Three family members were gone in a matter of years. Each time, the grief hit like a fist to the gut.

My mother was my pillar of strength; my father, who might not have always been there for me but was still …

4 Fears That Create People-Pleasers and How to Ease Them

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“It feels good to be accepted, loved, and approved of by others, but often the membership fee to belong to that club is far too high of a price to pay.” ~Dennis Merritt Jones

Like a lot of people, I grew up putting others’ needs and wants first. I learned early that doing things for other people and accommodating their wishes gained me attention and approval. It was only in those moments that I felt good enough and deserving of love.

As a child, I liked nothing more than feeling indispensable and being told I was a good and …

The Importance of Setting Strong, Healthy Boundaries

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“If you love yourself, it doesn’t matter if other people don’t like you because you don’t need their approval to feel good about yourself.” ~Lori Deschene

I spent my whole life trying to please other people. I would put myself through stress and discomfort to fit in with what they wanted or needed. I would rarely feel confident enough to communicate what I wanted because when I did, I would be met with frustration or anger, and I’d often come away feeling stupid.

When I was growing up, I would feel my emotions very strongly, so a lot of …

6 Mindset Shifts to Overcome the Need for External Validation

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“Relying on external validation to understand your worth is not sustainable. If you depend on people to build you up, you also give them the same power to break you down. You are worthy regardless of their opinion.” ~Unknown

In my heart of hearts, I knew I wasn’t supposed to rely on others for validation. Yet, for the longest time, I found myself seeking external approval to define my worth.

I was constantly seeking reassurance from friends, family, and even strangers. Their validation became the measure of my self-esteem, leaving me trapped in a cycle of doubt and insecurity.…

Share Your Truth: 4 Reasons to Stand Up for Yourself

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“If you want to live an authentic, meaningful life, you need to master the art of disappointing and upsetting others, hurting feelings, and living with the reality that some people just won’t like you. It may not be easy, but it’s essential if you want your life to reflect your deepest desires, values, and needs.” ~Cheryl Richardson

Last week, I was at the studio where I teach, and one of the teachers was running late. Her students began arriving, so I came out of the office where I was working and started welcoming them, directing them into the room for …

How to Stop Prioritizing Everyone and Everything Else at Your Own Expense

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“Agreeing to things just to keep the peace is actually a trauma response. When you do this you’re disrespecting your boundaries. No more making yourself uncomfortable for others to feel comfortable. You have control now. You run your life. Take up space and use your voice.” ~Dj Love Light

I read the text from my stepmother inviting everyone to the holiday dinner at her house, and my stomach began to churn. I did not want to attend, but I was instantly flooded with guilt at the thought of saying no.

“How to kindly decline an invite” I typed and hit …

No Matter What You Do, Someone Won’t Be Pleased

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