@Arient Break-up Diary

I feel you Arient, I just slowly broke things off with this guy that I have met when I studied abroad today, a couple of hours ago. I met him last december, kept in touch all the time. then, I felt like I was losing him again.
I saw him not so long ago when I came back to Europe for a 4 week holidays, 2 months ago. Everything felt wonderful, as if I knew he was the one for me and completely understood me. Understood that ugly and that beauty inside me.

I spent 3 weeks with him, met his friends and his family. We laughed, and had soo many deep conversations. Went on bike rides and boat rides, sat and relaxed in the room, listen to music. I have never felt that way before with anyone, in a very very intimate way. He valued my talent in art and my creativity, would boast it to his friends. and always say that I was beautiful.

and Would make me coffee and breakfast in the morning..

It was very hard to say goodbye again, twice, since I had to go back home and finish my undergrad. We both decided to be in a open relationship. But we had to promise once we run into another “lover” we would tell each other. and knew we would see each other again, and he would try to come to CA.

Now I’m back in California. And Things have became rough on me.. sometimes he would message me, but we hardly ever talk. Once a week on th phone.. Like as if Im losing all the connection with him…and I panic, and become so insecure. I called him today, after surfing. I mean.. come on..I go surfing and I felt miserable.

The things is, we use to talk a lot.. and every week. it was less. Less talking, less messaging, less responds. I told him that it hurts me when he messages me, but does not reply. He said he does, but I shouldn’t freak out over something thats text messaging.
He tells me that I am so far, that things are not the same how it is in person.

It breaks my heart. I love him so much, but he thinks of us as “good friends” at the moment. But I don’t. I know we had something more.

He just doesn’t know how it is… I have fallen in love before, I was engaged. But It was a very hard,it was an aggressive relationship. Then I met this guy, who I thought who was going to be it for me.

I do everything to make my life worthwhile, I am in school, about to get my BA this year, I am in two organizations at my university, I am currently a president at one of the organizations, I volunteer a lot, I have a part time job so I can go back and visit Europe. Im an artist, I paint and do murals for this organization. I will be going back to school in two weeks.
I have higher goals. and I wanted to stay there and work there. But I had education as my number one priority. and to be successful and have a career.

But I do everything right… I do everything right for myself. but I want love. and someone to love me, I want a man to protect me, to laugh with me, to be intimate with me. I never ask for anything else. Why is that so hard?

Sometimes, I feel like Im so sensitive in the inside, like a child because… all I want is love love love, and when I love.. It hurts.

Now, I want to lose this passion that I have. that means if I lose it, I’ll lose that side of me. that fire, which goes with my love for art.

Should I feel nothing.. and be like the rest of the population? Now, I just want to give up on love. And maybe, just find someone for the convenience.

Sometimes I think I feel so weak because all I want is fire. But the truth is, If I don’t love, then I don’t have passion for what I do and for what I am living for.

I know everyone says, I am young why worry about it. the truth is, I have a lot to worry. and I am trying to focus. but I am losing motivation when I cannot love.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by lil.lily. Reason: needed to add and change things

Hello all,

First I would like to say how happy i am to have found this website.
Ive been struggling for the past week trying to put my pieces back together. I has with my girlfriend for 6 years. We graduated highschool, traveled through asia, and graduated college together. We grew up together. I guess Ive always been introverted and shes always been the one to want to go out. It had been a constant struggle. I hated myself for not enjoying the things she enjoyed and feeling “boring”. I tried everything in my power to make sure she was entertained in my presence. But I guess it wasnt enough. Because Then she got a job at a nightclub and lots of attention from others.She broke up with me saying that she needed to find herself and that she didnt feel the same for me anymore. We lived together at the time and she wouldn’t come home some nights. The nights she did, she was drunk. She would text guys and tell me to be free and move on. I feel thrown aside. As soon as she found the excitement she needed, I was no longer of any use. Once she realized that she could get attention elsewhere, I was a parasite. She claims we grew apart, but in my heart i know its because she has better, more exciting things to look forward to now that I am out of the picture.
I feel so low. 6 years of trying to be enough for her. And now I dont know who I am.

Hi everyone. Its good to have a space like this where sharing happens. Ive had my share if heartaches over time, and needless to say, im in one at the moment thats why im here posting. Any relationship that goes sour hurts really bad. And from what ive gone thru (and going thru again!), the way to move forward is to feel your emotions (pain, anger, resentment, etc), accept the finality that there is no “us” but “you” and to make yourself understand that the only person you need to think of is yourself.

Being dumped after 8 yrs is mind blowing, to say the least. Your ex hitting on your friend so soon after that exacerbates the pain even further. Ive gone from no sleep to some sleep and now a few hours of sleep. Days have gone by and its one hell of a feat. Ive cried my eyes out in the first few weeks and still do but the frequency has diminished. Time has a way if easing the pain, i must say. I have my lows and holidays/weekends are the worst times for me. Guys who posted earlier are right in saying that keeping busy has its way of taking your mind off the situation. But at the end of the day when i lie in bed, my mind starts working overtime thinking of the past, of him. I did not need FB or viber to stalk him. My mind was doing all these bad things for me… IT must be the fear of moving forward on my own that i am crying for. Because everytime i ask myself if i would to go back to being us, the answer would be no. We were blessed with 8 years of togetherness to seal it but at the end of all my efforts, he decided he could not match mine. Or more aptly, he DID NOT WANT TO. Life is made of choices. He chose to not be with me – and that i cannot do anything about. I kniw wht needs to be done to forget him, but frail as i am emotionally – i often fall from the horse that will take me to a better place. I feel better after almost 3 months post-separation but i am not completely healed. My head says go but my heart is stuck. To make me feel better, i constantly have to remind myself that i have to let “us” go. When i am taken that few steps backward, i feel my pain and walk forward again ever so slowly. And this has helped a lot. I still coukd not bear thoughts of him with someone else but guys in this thread are right – i have no right to question who and why he is with that someone. My past cannot be changed and i cannot make him come back. I know i will stumble on my way to being someone better but i am beginning to realize that i MUST ensure that i get ME there. To that better place. And my mind has to help me do it. Because no one else can.

I am a 35 yr old mother of two. I have been divorced since January. I started dating an amazing guy in April. He is calm and mellow, supportive, kind, patient. Everything I wanted in a man. He met my sons after a few months of dating and has been a part of their lives. He is not from the town that I am from and I was always afraid that he would leave, since he was only here for his job. He assured me that thus wasn’t the case. We were not only lovers her best friends. We talked about plans for the future, he looked at houses to purchase.

Abour 2.5 weeks ago my bf blindsided me and told me he was moving. That he loves me but something is telling him that he needs to be near family. He was crying and emotional when he told me. We’ve had limited contact since then, which kills me. He got a job and is leaving next week.

At first I was completely shocked. We didn’t have a fight, didn’t grow apart, everything was fine. My bf is 33, never married, no kids. All of his long term relationships have been long distance. I asked him if our commitment was too much and he said no.

I’m better these last few days than i have been. But I’m still having a hard time. The roller coaster of one day being positive and hopeful and the next day being sad is killing me. Nights and weekends are the worst. It’s like all of the sadness I’ve been holding in comes out.

I realize that this is not a reflection on me and is nothing I dud. But I cant understand how we can leave someone that he loves. I am chalking it up to commitment issues. Maybe the reality of an in town girlfriend with kids was too much and he just doesn’t want to tell me.

I’m trying different techniques to stop my circular thinking, but it’s hard. I’m feelingvery hopeless and sad right now. Not to mention alone. We dated for 6 months, which is obviously not long. But I think that the first break up after divorce is worse than others. Because my boyfriend and I were also best friends, this hurts a million times more than my divorce.

Any input, insight or advice would be appreciated!

Dear Moutoshi:

“I usually turn to writing when I’m emotionally broken, disappointed, have lost hope and also when the storm rages within“- you write so well, there’s an easy flow to your writing. Reading your words, your combination of words,  feels- to me- like floating in a gentle, blue ocean.

“Whenever I have someone, he is not just my love or soulmate, it’s like being with my best friend and I tend to confide all my thoughts, feelings and emotions in them. This is the best feeling that doesn’t feel like an outcast or being left alone and makes me so composed“- confiding all your thoughts, feelings and emotions calms that rage within. Not having a best friend to confide in, and the rage builds?

“One moment I’m okay and strong, and the very next moment I feel like begging or killing myself… Even at an age over 40, I still cannot deal with this pain. It feels so scattered inside, with so much restlessness… The universe remains numb when it comes to my emotions, again and again. I don’t know how far it will continue. It feels like I should not have been made with so many emotions“-  What a unique way to say it: I should not have been  made with so many emotions.

Since you were made with so many emotions causing so much restlessness within you, there are ways to calm down the restlessness/ the rage-within: confiding with another and writing are two such ways. There are other ways, the practice of emotion regulation skills. Mindfulness is such practice

When I was fortunate enough to attend my first quality psychotherapy, with decades-long rage-within, my therapist’s first attention was not to the stories behind my rage/ restlessness, but to calming it. He assigned me with listening to one guided meditations every day (theme: Mindfulness) in the effort to lessen the intensity of my emotions so that they don’t overwhelm me. I hope to read more from you and if you’d like, we can communicate for a while. Perhaps other members will reply to you as well.

anita

You are very welcome, Moutoshi. Anytime you’d like to share your thoughts and feelings, in the special way you do, please do, I’d love to read, and reply.

anita