Hello guys, @Sammy1, @Jay2023, @Dannydan

I just wrote a post a few hors ago and it’s awaiting moderation. So waiting for that. I’m not sure why, that happens often to me here, I’m not sure if I’m doing anything wrong or it’s because of my language mistakes.

So I’m just going to reply to new posts, to respect the moderation.

@Jay2023 I’m glad you are better and everything is well. Also I’m really glad and you should be proud of yourself that you choose not to pursue realtionship with someone else if she is not ready. However it seems to me that situation has helped you to get over your ex a bit so that’s positive.

@Sammy1, I’m really sorry. Are you two okay? Did he said why he won’t live with you, he feels it’s too early?

I think it’s normal that old fears arise, although do you recognize you are already handling it a bit differently this time? It seems to me you are, and this is a big step.

I remember your reply a month ago, whan I asked you how did you let yourself enter new relationship and be vulnerable again, and you are so brave.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Rhaenys.

@Rhaenys thanks for your quick response. I didn’t pick up a notification for your post and can’t see it either. Are you sending website links because then it goes into moderation.

How are you doing? Or is that spoken about in your other post?

Me i think I got too excited as things have been going so well with him. I asked him to move into mine because we have been spending so much time together and sleeping over at each others lately and its come to a stage for me I want to be next to him when I wake up in the morning. The funny thing is I was hesitant at first about sharing my space when i got my new home and he felt that, now I’m ready he doesn’t seem to be. He said  liked his own space and he has never moved in with any of his girlfriends and only saw himself doing that as a married couple. I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t think he was a commitment phobe, I couldn’t really say well marry me then either , I don’t want him or I to rush into that as it’s a big commitment and shouldn’t be done due to fears. Maybe he feels moving in things will get too serious, I know with my ex it was a shock and I had to learn to adult and its different. He knew I was disappointed and tried to reassure me and I didn’t want to pressure him , if he’s not ready then he’s not and i tried not to dwell on it too much but once I got back to my place , I just felt overwhelmed and cried. I felt all those stupid feelings again which I know are not true. I’m trying to not let myself spiral and then press destruct because he’s such a great man and does meet all my needs and wants. I don’t feel like I desire more or something is missing when I’m with him. So I’ve hit a brick wall but your right @Rhaenys I’m trying to catch my train of thoughts and patterns and divert them so they don’t run away. Thank you for saying I’m brave.

Hello guys. Sorry I haven’t been here.

First, congrats to @Tim1!!! Such wonderful news, I’m really happy for you. And thank you so much for coming here, and remembering us all, it means a lot. And for your lovely words at the end of your post.

@Jay2023 I’m glad for your last post and news, it is easier with a new romantic interest.

@Dannydan, I’ve been reading this topic all the time and reading your reply but I did not know what to advice. So I waited for Sammy. Like before, “ask Sammy” continues. Did you give B the letter?

I was thinking what to advice, and as usually, I tried to put myself in B’s position. I wouldn’t like the feeling if my fiance wrote a letter that he didn’t want me to read before wedding. It would cause me too much worry, also if there is a problem, I would feel it needs to be discussed before the wedding. So I thought that givinh here is the right choice, but I was also afraid of result.. so “ask Sammy”.

How did it go?

@Sammy1, you are as alwys so wonderful and helpful, how are you?

I’ve been actually silent because I guess I didn’t feel too good. I realized I came posting here in crisis and then post but almost don’t want to be to sincere, becasue it would seem that I’m still too anxious and in crisis. But I guess this is the right place to be vulnerable, and this is the place when I have to be sincere or don’t bother to post at all. So here it goes.

First, I felt a bit excluded here since you all bonded. Then I realized it’s a circle, people bond because they post, I post for a while and then leave but I feel excluded… So I’m not trying to blame anyone, just stating how I feel, as I said, I think I know a reason.

Also, in my life, as the thing with the tinder guy ended I felt depressed. Not really because of him, or my ex. I think I’m finally mostly over it. As @Jay2023 once said, I’ll be completley over when I fall in love again, but I think I’m over him for a big part. Also, what happened recently is that my last female friend that was single found somenone. And I really was and still am happy for her, and I helped her and talked with her. So I’m happy. But, for a few weeks, that left me without anyone to even ask for a drink almost, everyone is happy coupled and only wanted to hang out at home. So I felt depressed.

I know here and in my life, people will say I have to be happy alone. And I guess I’m a bit exaggerating, but I am 34 now (had birthday recently). I do want family. I know I won’t really be satisfied I’m in my 40s and going from work to home alone. So I think that my wish for companionship, love and children is a valid one. And I know I still have time and panicking a bit, but this COVID year made it really hard for me. I probably should be more optimistic, but it was a shitty year. It’s always funny how people think I’m pretty and attractive, and guys do text me and as out. But I’ve still didn’t have much luck, faced rejection in 2 realtionships (and a few flings) and that experience scares me.

I also feel pressure sometimes when some of people say to me , when I say taht someone doesn’t attract me, that beauty is not important. While they all have partners they found attractive. Bullshit. I need to be attracted to someone, or I will be miserable all the time in relationship.

So I decided I won’t listen those people. I won’t listen happy coupled people who tell me I need to be happy alone, and who never faced being alone in their middle thirties and wanting family, while all friends are coupled. I won’t listen to people who tell me I have to satisfy for someone I’m not feeling any desire or attraction at all.

I think my mom is my best therapist. She tells me that my wish for relationship and family is valid, and I don’t have to feel completley happy if that wish is curently unfulfilled, but that I still have that time and don’t have to worry. That things change, and until that happens, I have many other nice things to enjoy. Dad says that too. They were actually my saviours, and I’m really happy to have them. And they changed a lot trough years, they are now much more relaxed than that used to be. So they helped a lot.

Thankfully summer is coming and many places are opening here so I hope it will be better.

Hope I wasn’t too harsh in my post.

@Rhaenys I feel so sad reading your post. I’m sorry if I personally made you feel excluded. It is no reflection of you whatsoever. I can’t speak for @Jay2023 or @Dannydan

I think it’s just I generally gel better with men. That’s why my bond with Tim, Jay, Danny has been the strongest and I got invested in their lives. I think irl my bestie is such a presence , no other women match up to her. I’ve only made in the past 5 years one new female friend. She was a newbie and lovely girl in the office who was amazing during my initial stages of the break up with the ex. So please don’t take anything as negative.

I try my hardest to not exclude anyone and reply to everyone’s post. I would be happy to offer you any advice whenever.

It’s so important to be sincere when anonymous otherwise what’s the point? You’ll end up creating more turmoil inside yourself pretending online too! Just be open, so people can genuinely help you.

It can be really tough when all your age bracket seem loved up and settled and there you are on your own. It’s important to not get distracted by others timeline, your journey and timing is your own. I think being a woman the ticking clock doesn’t help, I think you’re at a crossroad and it requires acceptance. On one hand you are desperate to be with baby and husband and other hand you are determined to feel that attraction and have someone who meets your needs and wants.

So you need to decide and weigh up which ones more important. If you think you’re running out of time and children are paramount then I’m afraid you will need to compromise somewhere realistically to make it happen sooner but will this lead to resentment further down the line when you realise you rushed it then inevitably be driven to seek comfort or something elsewhere?

If you want someone who really sees you, someone you feel attraction on many levels and gets your essence then are you willing to run the risk of being patient and waiting whilst knowing you might miss out on children?

It comes down to what will make you feel fulfilled. Many people settle and rush into marriages to not feel alone, this is always a mistake in the end as they end up with someone they can’t be 100% real with and feeling more alone inside the relationship.

My advice your mum and dad are wise. Don’t rush it you’ll make the wrong choice, it will happen when it’s meant to. Look around you and you’ll see there is so much more that can make you happy than a relationship.

I think when we are single we are desperate to be committed and when committed we want to be single. Humans are never satisfied unless they find peace and happiness in other things including themselves.

I hope that helps x

Thank you @Jay2024 for your kind words and for faith, that means a lot to me. Yes, you are right, seems like plenty of time, but sometimes, especially after relationships with guys afraid of commitment, fear and anxiety kicks.

Oh @Sammy1, don’t feel bad, I explained I also tended to run and don’t post more than to bond, so how can I bond if I don’t post and just read. But I read all the time since last summer.

I don’t think I really have a choice @Sammy1. I just can’t have a relationship with a person that I don’t find interesting because of his character and attractive. And with “attractive” I don’t mean only looks, sometimes person grows on you when you get close. But a spark of attractivnes has to exist, and while it’s not just based because of looks, it depends on that too. Or I can’t kiss him, not even mentioning everything else. So I don’t like when people say to me that “he just has to be good” because that’s not true. I have good male friends, that even liked me, but I can’t be with them, I would be miserable. That’s a friends, not a partner.

But I also want partner who will be my support, with whom I can talk and we can share our deepest fears and dreams, someone who will take effort to meet me and understand me and I will do that for him. Maybe that’s why I’m “too much” for someone. I realize now those are not my kind of people. And sometimes it takes time to see if you can do that with someone. I thought I could do that with my last ex, but it turned our I can’t. So that’s what I mean when I say “interesting”. I used to mean “similar or many interests and intelectually smart” but now I think something else.

So I don’t think I really have a choice . And I don’t want a perfect person, just a real one, but who will want the same goals (children and family) and will be willing to put effort if it gets hard. I realize communication is really important, so I want someone I can talk with.

Do I want too much? heheh. I don’t think I can’t be with a guy if I don’t think he has a potential for both.

So I’m not sorry I ended with tinder guy, as he didn’t really put much effort at the end or respected my time.

Thank you for understanding me @Sammy1 , that means a lot.

@Sammy1, I agree with @Jay2023. I think you can enjoy your time with bf, and give him a reasonable time to see if he is ready for next steps that show commitment. You are not together for much, so maybe it is a bit too early for him. If he still have you support and understanding and didn’t just shut down but reassured you, that is wonderful.

@Rhaenys

I understand now, you don’t like to communicate too much because you bond then form attachment? I used to feel scared of that too, so pushed people away. When you bond that person then has an expectation, you form expectations. Expectations can lead to hurt. So we put up barriers and push away but still feel hurt lol.

The way around this is to allow things to just develop naturally without holding yourself back and letting insecurities and fears run the show. This applies to any type of relationships! You forgot to include yourself @Rhaenys alongside me, @Jay2023 and @Dannydan. You also give back so are a lovely person.

I’ve said this so many times on this thread there’s a fine line between friends and lovers and that’s sexual attraction. If you don’t feel like touching , kissing or more than they remain friends lol. Big but though my current partner was in my life for a while so it wasn’t an instant spark but I just remember feeling this intense desire all of a sudden to be with him. So sparks can grow it requires a deeper type of intimacy and bond. It requires the right set of circumstances and time too.

He’s my best friend , I can lean on him not feel judged, talk to him effortlessly for hours. Sometimes he avoids replying at work now because we get caught up in back and forth texts and then find it hard to quit. Lol. I thinks that’s so important in a relationship to have that kind of communication beyond the honeymoon phase where there’s always a chase so to be able to sustain it shows a deep emotional connect. So you’re not asking for too much at all.  I think finding someone on your same communication wavelength is what creates lasting relationships. Some couples are content not having deep conversations or banter exchanged etc and it works for them, but if it is something you need and it isn’t met by your partner then you will not be happy and will get resentful so don’t settle. Just wait I believe the right person is out there for you x

@Jay2023

We are all human, each one of us has fears and moments of feeling unsteady. It’s just remembering you have the tools, have the strength and everything will pass. It’s in those wobbles, a bit of morale boost can do wonders. So thank you Jay!

I love that about him, he sees that it’s okay to do what’s right for him and also cares to still reassure me. My ex would do whatever was best for him every single time and then put up a wall and not see how I felt. He stayed for two nights and we also enjoyed the football and dinner. I just miss him when he’s not there but I just need to take it slowly,  there will be a time I’m sure I will be wishing he wasn’t in my space all the time! Typical human nature.

I’m in awe of your new attitude. You sound like a new man! I know therapy hasn’t come yet but to do it on your own indicates how strong you are. The good stuff is doing its job and you’ve really put the effort in to divert any negative thoughts.

How is your time off? I hope you enjoy the downtime! Are you drinking again now socially?

@Rhaenys

Don’t let what the world thinks of you beat you down. It can be such a horrible spiral into self loathing and shaming. From what I’ve read from you I think you’re great! I also think you need to love yourself more. When you’re happy with the human you are even if someone doesn’t like you as you want,  it will never weigh on you and you can continue to be you. That’s what is important. Sometimes you gel with certain people more than others but that’s just a natural soul tie or connection.

You’ll find what you need and want but don’t settle out of desperation. It’s really not worth it. It almost always leads to more unhappiness in the long run. Dont force yourself to kiss friends either lol. It is either there or not. Sometimes the attraction can hit you all of a sudden but if its not there and you don’t feel the desire to lips then don’t force it to create something that’s just silly.

I’m here if you need a girly chat x

If you focus on you and other things you already have that are good, you’ll stop thinking negatively and pessimistically that you’ll be childless. Its timing, you have to trust it and in the meantime enjoy things that make you happy, having a child is a huge responsibility. Enjoy your singledom whilst you have it! It will happen.