Dear Nichole:

“Very true, the stability from my job and consistency of where I have been living have helped get me back in a better place. I had not recently thought about the correlation between the moving around I was doing and my childhood. Growing up we moved around quite a bit. Finances were not stable.  I can still get really anxious when something unexpected happens. I fear the worse. I’ll be homeless and unable to provide for myself“- this is an excellent testimony to how important STABILITY and CONSISTENCY are for a person’s mental (and physical) health. Experiencing instability and inconsistency as a child translates to excess anxiety in childhood and in adulthood.

C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S   for creating stability and consistency in your life!

“With the work I have been doing I know this to be untrue. I have, even at my most fearful, always provided for myself. In the future I would like to better my relationship with money. I would like to thrive. Nonetheless,  I am grateful for what I do have“- I remember that I was concerned, in the past, about you giving your money away to family members, such as to your younger brother. I wanted you to take better care of yourself!

“Yes, past relationships and even the most recent one created turmoil. This last man was really just a distraction from dealing with where my life was. But I was also craving male attention as I still do… I still believe in my heart that I was born to be a Mom and wife. My lifelong dream! I am 35 now, will it ever be? I have juggled with maybe it won’t. and I will have to live with that. I really just struggle to make friends or relationships. It is the trust issue. I hide myself a lot“- like I wrote above, instability and inconsistency in childhood translate to excess anxiety in adulthood, and with that excess anxiety, we are afraid to trust, we struggle to maintain relationships… and we hide.

I hope that within the next few years, you will manage to be a good wife to a good husband and a good Mom!

“I also attract similar patterns in people, but now, more than ever I feel so much more self aware about this“- awareness makes changes possible in what and who you attract and .. what and whom you are attracted to.

“Last week I started back into my new role after my voluntary demotion. It has been peaceful. I learned so much in leadership. I learned that I lead well. I lead with my heart and soul. My team loved me and I loved them… Most times I gave way too much of myself. I look forward to spending the rest of this year treating work as just work and creating a life outside of it“- imagine giving more to yourself, and then, to the right man.. and then, to your child, creating stability and consistency in your family of choice!

“Bringing me to my family.. You’re always spot on Anita! I can easily go into a nostalgic place with family. I do believe we had some wonderful times. My Father came in June, and it was great! We spent five days together. I knew better than to get attached. He struggles with alcohol and drug addiction. I know too well. He loves me when he can but he will most likely always return to his ways. I am coming to peace with this“- you knew better than to get attached to him because he loves you when he can, you wrote, meaning that his love is not stable and not consistent: it’s there at times, gone at other times.

“As for my brother, it is just simple texts. I just want peace with them. I know they cannot provide the family environment I craved for so long“- you craved for stable consistent love in your family of origin, a craving unsatisfied.

“But with my niece, this relationship is important to me. I know that she will need me in her life. She is 15 now. She will soon be heading for life’s ups and downs, as well all do as we grow up, and I want to be a wise person in her life. I love her so much. I am so happy to be in touch with her. I would love to go see her this summer“- true love of an aunt for her niece, the love of a woman for the girl you once were..?

“Yes, I wish I would have been able to apply your wonderful advice on relationships in a better way back then. I do believe I can function this way now. Mindfulness can be hard for me some times but I am starting to slow down more. I really would like to create connections that are stimulating and balanced.  I know that it begins with me. If I give/offer to much of me too fast I will likely attract people that will take quicker than I give. I look forward to slowing down. Paying attention to people and just having fun if I can. I just need the motivation to do it. I think talking about it is a start!“- you express yourself so well, I am positively impressed with your state of mind, awareness, insight and maturity!

And again, thank you for your kind words.. You are an amazing person, Nichole, thank you for being you!!!

anita

Let’s see if I can change the format of the above:

Dear Seaturtle:

“And it was this moment my mom revealed to me that she had slept that that guy a year ago that was suppose to meet me for a date..“- this is giving my saying a literal meaning (a blushing and sad face emoji

“Family really has the power to bring you higher or lower and why they choose lower, I have no idea“- so to bring themselves higher. In the above example, I am guessing that your mother told you because she was afraid at the time that someone else will tell you, she felt anxious about it, and so to feel better herself, to feel calmer, she told you. The result: she felt calmer (higher) and you felt somewhat distressed (lower), I imagine.

“and hope I do not do that to them..“- keep your 3rd eye chakra open and your crown chakra working (with approved breaks and sleep time, of course), and you will continue to not elevate/ help yourself by lowering/ hurting them.

Dear alette:

So good to read that you feel better (at least, you did 5 hours ago, when you submitted your recent post)! There will be ups and downs, but as long as there is an overall progress in how you feel, that’s a good thing. You are welcome to post again anytime you feel like it, and I will continue to give you feedback.

anita

Dear  Ada:

I am thrilled to read from you and thank you for your appreciation and kind words, it made my evening reading from you! I want to re-read our communication and reply to you further in the morning.

anita

Dear Nichole:

Thank you so much for your kind words, means a lot to me! I want to attentively read and reply to you Tues morning (it is now 1:27 pm here, 4:27 pm your time).

anita

Dear allette/ reader:

These are quotes from posts submitted in this thread through time, in regard to reasons for people breaking up:

“I just felt that something was missing.. He is the type of guy I should feel thrilled to marry, and I know that he would be an amazing husband and father, but I just knew it wasn’t fair to him that I wasn’t feeling it 100%… as much as I wanted to be happy in a relationship, I just wasn’t. I started feeling claustrophobic and wanting freedom” (M, June, 2014)

“I thought about breaking up with him for a long, long time but could never get the guts to do it until yesterday, when something in me just clicked, I felt like such a chicken sh*t for not being able to say that I did not want him anymore, so I just said it, and it was horrible. I feel like the worst person ever, especially because it was also a holiday and he brought me a gift and flowers” (Ariana m, March 2015).

“For the past 6 months, he has been detached and passive about the relationship. I tried everything in my power to revive him from what I thought was a phase. I asked him numerous times whether he knew why he was acting that way and if there was anything I needed to know, or that I could do to which he always replied that he didn’t/there isn’t. I eventually.. confronted him about not wanting to be in the relationship and that although he hasn’t expressly told me, his actions show me so. He couldn’t pretend anymore and finally admitted it. He said that he hadn’t known how to tell me but he doesn’t want to be in any relationship right now… It turns out that he’s known that he did not want to be in the relationship any longer for 6 months but could not communicate that to me out of fear of disappointing me… He simply withdrew emotionally from the relationship and left me to connect the dots on my own” (Bonni_mor, May 2015)

“It was extremely hard for me to take the decision to break up with someone I love. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I knew that this relationship was not the best one for me nor for her. She suffers from depression… we had to face very difficult moments due to her depression. It was very hard for me… I am very sensible to her problems (and often made them my own tough I shouldn’t), made me understand that this wasn’t the right relationship for me. The spark was gone, and I didn’t want to stay with her out of pity.. I still love her dearly, but fell out of love” (John, April 2016)

“Breaking up with him was the hardest thing I’d ever done, but I’d been feeling for 1.5 years that things weren’t right and fell out of love the last few months. Because we’re both extremely conflict averse… we never talked about our problems even though they were obvious from my behavior (I stopped initiating affection, saying ‘I love you’, making him a priority or even looking forward to seeing him)” (bee, Sept 2016)

“I settled for him because he treated me with so much respect, love and kindness- why would you not want to stay with someone so lovely? The spark was missing. No matter how hard I tried in the last 9 months of our relationship, I could not rekindle that spark I used to feel when I was with him… In our relationship, I had always been the ‘pants’…He would leave me to make every decision, to lead every conversation and when we would fight-even if I was clearly in the wrong- he would be the one apologising. Sooner or later, I began to find his inability to stand up for himself unattractive, as I started to feel like I was becoming his mother, not his girlfriend” (Nessie, Sept 2016)

“The reason I ended it was because for over a year I’d been begging him to get his life sorted. He didn’t have a job and spent his days either with me or when I was working, playing video games. I was mothering him so much, that all my friends joked that he should have got me a mothers day card! By the end my feelings of being in love were fading, I felt like I tried so hard. He also lives an hour away and doesn’t drive, so I was forever travelling up there” (H, July 2018)

“The problem is, I’m so unsure of what I want in life…he makes me feel like a princess, he makes me feel safe, and he absolutely makes me feel so loved. I felt like I wanted to explore the world more, I wanted to be young and careless and have fun…I have struggled with severe depression all my life… I don’t know if I’m really unsure about him, or if it’s just my whole life I’m unsure about” (Sage, Aug 2018)

“Just broke up with my boyfriend. We were together for 4 years and 8 months. At first, everything was wonderful… After about two years, I started to lose feelings for him… Whenever he would mention about moving in or getting married, I would feel terrified and claustrophobic… I said, I love you but the feelings weren’t there… What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just move in or get married like other people. Why do I feel like I do?” (Racquel, May 2020).

anita

Dear alette:

“When he said no it’s not, it was the talk that he didn’t want… avoiding it… And the main reason, why he wants us to break up, he does not give it clearly“-

From relationship hero/ blog/ sudden breakup without explanation: “Being broken up with…  can be extremely heartbreaking but also very confusing. This confusion often gets even worse if your ex didn’t give any reason for breaking up – no reason, no explanation. You’re left in a state of confusion and anxiety, constantly stuck trying to analyze and figure out why the breakup happened. It can even make the person angry about not getting a proper resolution from their ex…

“Sometimes people don’t or can’t give a reason because they can’t bring themselves to be completely honest. They’re worried that they might hurt you or that it might cause a blowup that they’d just rather avoid. Breakups are often messy after all. If you ever noticed in the past that they had a slightly avoidant nature, that may have also carried over to the breakup conversation. The important takeaway is that they do have a reason, it’s just not being expressed.
<p class=”P-dZAPMR enaUMN”>”They don’t want the breakup to be any more painful than it already is. So they avoid sharing their real reason. Conversely, this can make things more difficult for the other person, because it creates a lack of closure. It’s understandable that one feels angry at their ex for not properly explaining their reasons behind breaking up. Some would even call it unfair…</p>
“Pushing them to explain their reason(s) will not help to win them back or even reconnect with them. If they’re unable to talk about how they feel, that is just how it is. They may not fully understand it themselves. Everyone has their own emotions and conditioning that drives their behavior, and it’s often not done with complete awareness. Pushing your ex for the clarity will only drive them further away. In this situation, we recommend a no contact period. Give them space from whatever triggered the breakup, and time for you to focus on you.
<p class=”P-dZAPMR enaUMN”>”During this time, it’s important to maintain focus on you and not on what motivated them to break up in the first place. Staying fixated on the ‘why’ will not help you, and will most likely just hurt your progress. This isn’t to say that one shouldn’t try to figure out why the breakup happened. Especially if the goal is to reconnect with them or to try and win them back. But it’s important to not fixate on it and especially important to not pressure the ex for an explanation.”-</p>
– This reads like valuable advice to me, is it to you?

Back to what you shared: “Our arguments have never been serious and we usually resolve immediately and they were rare, we have only argued like 4 times in our two year relationship. We had this thing that we should not go to bed while angry at each other“- do you think, having known him for so long, that he generally avoids conflict with people, in which case, maybe it’s not that arguments were resolved on his end, but rather avoided?

anita

Dear Lunaryogini:

I thought maybe I’d share this with you: part of my c-PTSD consisted of endless sessions where my mother accused me of lying to her, even though I didn’t lie to her. She’d take any kind of (normal) inconsistency in what I said as proof to me lying for the purpose of hurting her feelings.

Fast forward to today: in my first reply to you, I wrote that I read your June 2023 posts, and asked you about suggesting a polygraph test to your boyfriend. In my 2nd post, I wrote that I didn’t read the part of your June 2023 post where you wrote that he offered to take a polygraph test. In my mind, a voice screamed: she’d think that I lied! And I was distressed over it.

I will explain the inconsistency here: I read parts of your 2023 posts. I didn’t read all of the two posts this morning. I read it all back in June last year. I have been a participant in the forums since May 2015, but deleted my account Feb 2023 and returned under a different account later in 2023. During my deleted time, I read all posts submitted, including yours.

My mind is still trying to prevent my mother’s next accusatory and shaming session by locating where I was not consistent and trying to be exact in my wording. But no one, when speaking or typing away can be exact all the time or even much of the time, considering all interpretations and possible misinterpretations and like a lawyer, cover all possibilities in no uncertain terms.

anita