luminary22,

I am sorry that you are suffering and struggling.  I believe we don’t heal by pushing though things.  It sounds like you learned from your upbringing that abusive/cheating men are normal if not unconsciously desirable.

I invite you to look into your parents (probably your dad especially) in understanding what sort of behavior they showed you about love, relationships, acceptable behavior.  This sets our unconscious belief system and drives what we are attracted to for relationships.

Once we understand where it is coming from then we can bring such consciousness to the surface.  Having outside help (therapy) is usually the way of reprogramming our beliefs into something more healthy.

Take care,

Mark

Rainbow,
I have not read this book but know of others who found it useful: The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You – Elaine N. Aron.

Mark

Kazuma,

Be honest not only with her but especially with yourself.

Say what you mean.  Mean what you say.

Be transparent with no hidden agenda.

Let your actions show her that you can be trusted.

Let go of being attached to the outcome.

Appreciate and enjoy her and the present moment.

Mark

Newlifestartsnow,

Your tinybuddha name tells me that you want to make changes in your life.  I wonder why you want to be friends who is out of integrity by using a handicap spot and being mad at you for refusing to do something that she is responsible for.

I would examine yourself on why you want to stay in relationship/friendship with such a person.

You already know that you are in the right on this.  You already asserted your boundaries on letting her know that you will not do her bidding anymore.

We can tell you what to do or not to do.  This is up to you to determine how much you value yourself, your values, your boundaries.

Mark

Anna,

You have been getting advice from everyone in your life including your therapist and you are here looking for something different?   It sounds like you want to keep asking until you hear what you want to hear.

It seems like you need to continue to get therapy for your self esteem and sense of worthiness.

Good luck,
Mark

Hi Zoe,

When I reach out when I am hurting, all I want is someone to listen without judgement and to be empathetic.

I am not looking for advice.  I sometimes would like validation and reassurance that I’m OK, that I matter.

I invite you to reassure and comfort yourself.  I cannot imagine what you and your mother can talk about that really “fixes” what ails you.

Yes, you are probably seeking love from her, to be reassured that you are loved.  You have experienced that seeking love from outside yourself does not work and is only temporary at best.

Love is an inside job.

Mark

Jasmine,

I am sorry you are confused and hurting.  It sounds like you two never really had a long term relationship with each other.  How long were you together in person?

It is tough when you felt a connection with someone and when you go through a rough patch he steps away.  I find that a good sign because it is best to know now rather than later.  I see this as a good test on how committed and steadfast someone is (whether a lover or a friend or a family member) for you when you are going through bad/rough times.

I know of several friends who got cancer and find that those people who they thought were close and deep friends run away from them.

You can love this guy from afar.  You cannot lose someone if you never really had him in the first place.  And you have no control over whether or not you have him anyway.  Move on.

Mark

dreaming715,

I have two brothers are like that. I know they love me. I can try to understand why but for me it is easier just to let that go and accept that this is how they are. They are kind and caring people. They just don’t put any effort to stay in touch or reach out to me.

I occasionally send out an email update on what is going in my life and make an explicit request on what is going on with them.

I feel no need to see my remaining family (parents are dead). I am happy when they have come and visit but that is for rare special occasions like when my son got married.

I understand that not having your parents not interested in you and your life is different. How old are you? Do you see this disinterest from them toward your siblings?

The best advice I can give is to accept what you cannot change and still keep in contact with no expectation any reciprocity. I always use the measure of what to do differently if I know I’ll be dead tomorrow. Or maybe in your case, if knowing your parents will be dead tomorrow.

Mark