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I am quite happy that you are sharing your own feelings, thoughts and experiences. I appreciate the time and effort you have taken to discuss this with me.
I have been very lucky, to receive a lot of help. It is extremely difficult to manage these situations alone. The reason I shared these details with you is because I sensed the comparisons you were making. I wanted you to be aware that it was a matter of different circumstances and a support network in place. You did the best you could, given the lack of support and resources available.
I’m very sorry to hear that your mother threatened your life. That must have been terrifying.
I can confidently say that you have helped me Anita. Through our discussion I have been able to understand why some of my anxious thoughts / habits occur. Previously, I wasn’t aware of the links to specific themes. I believe this will help me better manage my anxiety.
Therapy taught me a tool to address flashbacks. I plan on using this to address when catastrophising occurs.
The tool is as follows:
I have a tendency to catastrophise and worry about worst case scenarios when stressed or overwhelmed due to previous abuse. Those experiences lead me to anticipate suffering or abandonment and believe that I deserve it for existing. This is not true!
This is 2022, I am safe at home with my pets and husband. I have many good people in my life and have had many good experiences that I deserve. I will have many more good experiences in the future.
Worst case is rarely accurate. What are some reasonable alternatives to the worst case scenarios? Practice deep breathing until anxiety stabilises and do something kind for myself.
Also, I identified that my habits of using anxiety to distract from physical pain are probably not very helpful as stress increases pain sensitivity. So I really should nip these habits in the bud.
I will do some reading about the effects of trauma bonding and consider returning to therapy. Thank you for your advice!
Hi HoneyBlossom!
I didn’t realise that skin cancer would be a side effect of global warming. It does make sense! Thank you for your sharing. I’m glad that you are taking steps to protect yourself.
In my area, food prices have increased, produce from the supermarket goes bad within a couple of days. This never used to happen, which leads me to believe that food is being stored to near the end of it’s shelf life before being delivered to stores. Often, the store runs out of chicken and brown bread. The food shortages are mild at the moment. Farmers are announcing that food prices will rise again as they rely on energy to farm.
Energy prices have doubled here, 1/3 of households are so poor they meet the definition of living in poverty and 1 in 10 people access food banks.
I think that growing your own produce is a great idea to manage difficulties. I have noticed that chickens are becoming very popular pets.
I have been learning about foraging. There are lots of plants that are edible, but classed as weeds. I was surprised to learn this. I live by the coast and I was curious one day. I thought the Japanese are fond of seaweed. I wonder if other varieties are edible. It turn out that some are if you learn to prepare them.
Hi Kamila
I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties. I too have experienced health issues and found TCM acupuncture very helpful. The most helpful part for me was electro acupuncture which is essentially a TENS machine. You can purchase TENS machines fairly cheaply for use at home.
If there is an acupuncture school near you, they my may offer acupuncture with supervised students at reduced rates. Some also offer student discounts.
I’m not sure if you have received herbal medicine from your acupuncturist. My experience is that the quality varies wildly from acupuncturist to acupuncturist. If you found the herbal medicine of a high quality and helpful it may be worth putting money towards that over the acupuncture itself. If you TCM doctor is willing to share your diagnosis and prescription with you, you may find the herbal medicine cheaper online.
Acupuncture is excellent at reducing stress and relaxation. These are things you can also work on at home. On YouTube there are forms of yoga designed for access for people with health conditions which I found particularly helpful.
My mother was institutionalised because she expressed a desire to harm myself and my brother to a doctor.
We were placed in short term care whilst she recovered in hospital. When she was released from hospital I refused to return to her “care” because of the abuse.
Initially, I gave the option of pursuing a relationship with my mother from a distance on the condition that she acknowledged her abusive behaviour and apologised. She apologised but claimed to not remember any of the abuse. This was not enough for me as she was refusing to acknowledge her abusive behaviour. So I chose to cut contact entirely.
The state provided free access to child therapy for the abuse at home. This probably explains why I able to insist on setting boundaries as a teenager.
Honestly, I was terrified of her. As a child I cried myself to sleep at night. There were moments of rest between her abuse, but the abuse far outweighed those moments. Saying she loved me was like offering crumbs to someone starving. I did everything I could as a child to limit the time I was around her to protect myself. Once school age, this was relatively easy.
I can say that I did love her despite the abuse, as children do. I longed for her to be able to love me. However, I was acutely aware that she was incapable of returning those feelings.
Whilst some parents are incapable of love, children are inherently bonded to their parents. As I have grow older, my definition of love has become more rigid. I believe that love is based on treating people with kindness and respect.
Many people are too damaged by their own experiences and trapped in repeating the cycle of abuse. It takes a great deal of strength to break out of.
Well done on establishing those boundaries and protecting yourself, congratulations on breaking the cycle of abuse Anita. The circumstances you were born into were not your fault. I’m sorry that your mother wasn’t able to treat you with the love and kindness you deserve. I see that you are kind person and have helped many people.
What is interesting about love is that we are all born worthy of it, just by existing.
Thank you for clarifying your intent. Apologies for misinterpreting. I understand why you were holding up a mirror to Brian’s beliefs. I hope you can see that after discussion, Brian’s behaviour towards others has now softened.
Personally, I understand why those who are in pain reject others. That pain comes from a place of distrust because people expect to be treat how they have in the past.
From my perspective, showing someone who is distrustful that you are trustworthy can be helpful. This may lead to them giving others the opportunity to build trust and result in developing fulfilling relationships.
Hi Johanna
I think you already know that her behaviour is troubling.
Be honest with yourself. Do you think you will ever meet her in person? Do you think you would ever have a family with her?
You might have a lot of empathy for her because you see that she struggles with issues similar to you. When she isn’t behaving badly perhaps you even enjoy her company.
But this isn’t about her. It’s about you.
Why do you tolerate the abuse when she doesn’t even meet your needs and you have no real future? Are you afraid of being alone? How does being without her make you feel?
Hi Arie
Can you tell me how you feel when you are alone, without a partner? When was the first time you remember feeling afraid of being alone?
Ultimately, our partners are responsible for their own poor behaviour. However, we are responsible for selecting and setting boundaries with our partners. You have a habit of being extremely vulnerable and not protecting yourself enough when dating.
There and some bad people in the world, there are some good people in the world and there are many people who fall somewhere in the middle. It can take a long time and meeting many people to find a suitable partner.
The many people with bad behaviours are why it is important to be discerning and protect yourself when dating. The process of dating itself can slowly reveal an individual’s flaws. It is very easy for someone to pretend to be a good person for a small amount of time. People have more difficulty sustaining this over longer periods. The initial period of good behaviour also has the effect of creating caring feelings for the individual. This is beneficial for them as it makes you reluctant to leave the relationship when people treat you poorly. An open minded yet cynical approach to new relationships offers a lot of protection, should bad behaviour be revealed in the future. Which is why people have recommended that you guard your feelings and take new relationships more slowly.
If I were you I would be wary of any partners that encouraged you to emotionally attach very quickly. Whilst they might be kinder, there is a concern with dating younger men. They may be fine with dating you, but less interested in committing. At the end of the day, once their fun dating lifestyles are over they may have a desire to settle down and start a family. Young people may often deny this inevitable future in order to have fun dating you. On the other hand there are some individuals who may never want to have children.
Hi Arie
I’m very sorry for the pain you are going through. It might not seem like it right now, but this might be for the best. As he is a person who I would imagine regularly drops out of contact continuing this relationship would have been challenging. Someone who is able to be present would be a better fit.
It is a shame because it almost sounds like two different relationships. One where he was present and attentive. Another, where he drops out of contact with you, is depressed and grumpy when you do speak.
It is understandable to grieve the loss if the good parts of the relationship. I hope you are taking extra care of yourself during this difficult time?
Do you have any fears regarding being single? Or related to dating?
Thank you for your feedback. I’m sorry for the difficulties you experienced as a child. I’m glad you are in less pain now as an adult.
Fortunately, I haven’t been in contact with my mother since I was a teenager.
It seems the journey recovering from trauma is never ending. There is always more work to be done!
I wouldn’t say my experience as an adult is exactly the same as childhood, though there are still some adverse affects. Thankfully, my therapist helped me deal with a lot of the emotional pain and break the cycle of re-experiencing that abuse. What I experience now is a fraction of what I experienced as a child.
I’ve known that my mother didn’t love myself or my brother since I was a young child. I quickly realised that our home life was very different from others and there are some things that you don’t do if you care about someone. There is no polite way to describe the things she did.
When I was younger I wanted an explanation for why she behaved the way she did. I thought perhaps she was so disturbed by her mental health condition that might be causing it. My psychologist helped me see that it was her choice to behave that way. Many people with mental health issues take care not to abuse their children.
I would appreciate any advice you could give about processing my pain from the past regarding my mother seeing me as a mistake.
Hi Ivy!
I thought you fleshed out the characters well, they have very rich emotional backstories. I wondered if you identified with any of them?
I can’t wait to see the storyboard and see the story unfold!
Well done for you hard work on the plot, synopsis and summary. 👏
Thank you for understanding! It was a long time ago. I left home at the first available opportunity and never looked back. After many years of therapy, I feel that this was the first time I have been able to safely express anger about it. Thank you for giving me that opportunity. I’m not upset at the moment, but it was visceral a long time ago.
That’s a good question. I don’t know. Certainly, I have unresolved issues around the topic. It has indirectly been a theme of my anxious thoughts.
I have a tendency to catastophise and expect the worst. The pins set up by my mother were reinforced by further trauma as a young adult.
I came to expect pain and suffering in all walks of life. I have done some work on this. I know now this is not the case. There are good experiences to be had and kind people out there.
Still, it is often my first thought when I am feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Thank you for helping identify this as an area I need to work on. I’m not sure if it necessarily related to physical pain, but it is definitely how I respond to it. Specifically, jumping to the worst case by experiencing habitual thoughts of suicidal ideation when I feel severe physical pain.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 