Disclaimer: My advice (above) is NOT popular, but it DOES work a lot of the time!

Your other option is to tell him, “It’s not working”.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Inky.

Hi TheDayDreamer,

Here are my thoughts:

1. It sounds like your BF and his ex are really good friends and do have this certain easy going rapport. If it were me and my friends, this is how I would interpret it:

“Not without a reward” = “Why should I do a big azz favor for you” (while also making reference to the time they were together)
“I’m not a slut” = “In your dreams, buddy!”
“And I’m not a bimbo” = “I really think you’re a dumb girl and I wouldn’t do anything anyway. But stop asking me for favors!”

I interpreted it as he knows she’s taking advantage of their friendship, and he wouldn’t go there. HOWEVER they feel SO comfortable having these kind of fun exchanges.

2. He lies to you because he wants this easy going friendship with no drama.

3. If it were me, my solution could either solve the situation or ultimately head for a breakup. I would say, “When you visit her, you have to bring me.” What a bummer, right?? However, I would also paradoxically invite her over. The more she sees you two as a couple, the more any fantasies are eradicated and the more she associates him with you. The next time she asks for help, YOU show up, or YOU show up FIRST and say, “Well, here I am!!” ready to help her put furniture/whatever together. LOL

4. Go on Instagram and Like and Comment on things she and your BF post! Same with FB. Once a week so you are in their circle. Same with everything. Mark your territory, girl! At the same time, DON’T act upset or like “she’s” a big deal around your BF.

5. Say “We” a lot, around your BF and to this girl. Post pics of the two of you and the awesome gifts he gives you on birthday/Xmas/V-Day. And of vacation posts. Don’t overdo this. One a month. You’re aiming for subtle but powerful.

OK, Good Luck!

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
• This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Inky.

Hi Jack,

Exercise is great for getting strong and toned. However, it is secondary to weight loss. Diet is 80% of it. What I do is eat impeccably at home, and then eat “normally” if there’s an event or you have to eat out or are invited to a friend’s house.

For food I rate Veggies, Fruit and Nuts as “Best”. Meat and Eggs as “Good”. Milk and Cheese as “OK”. Grains as “Worse”. And Sugar as “Worst”. At home I choose the veggies first and go down the list if I have to. Hope that helps!!

Best,

Inky

Hi confusedandsuspicious,

Well, I’ll number my thoughts…

1. When people lie it’s because they think the other person can’t handle the truth. Or that the histrionics of the other person isn’t worth the trouble. That lying would be so much easier. Yes, it’s even worse being caught in a lie, but the overall trade off day by day must be worth it!

2. TBH, I didn’t understand nor think too much about the online stuff you wrote above. I’m not dim, but the passwords, the timing, the contact, the this and the that didn’t send any red flags. Not really.

3. Online I only go on a dozen sites. Yet I have FB Friends who clearly know me, and I clearly knew them when I Accepted them, but I have NO idea now how I know them IRL! Are you sure some of the stuff isn’t unconscious or innocent? I would totally believe in the business contact. Nor would I like someone cracking into my passwords. I’ve had my email password changed. I wasn’t angry. Nothing was going on, but I understand why a partner would do that in an insecure moment. And by the way, if you’re doing that, you BET he won’t write ANYTHING incriminating online EVER!

4. That being said, you must be picking up on something in the ethers. I don’t think your Partner is having an affair. Are there people out there that are or were sniffing around him? Probably, considering you’ve been together 20 years and he travels for business. Heck, I get hit on shopping at the store! It happens.

5. Why aren’t you two married? You might as well be and would be better financially and for next of kin issues. Call me old fashioned, but it’s time. And it will change the spiritual energy of the relationship.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Inky.

Hi marvelgirl,

I’m going to say that you guys did things backwards. For some reason it’s difficult to get into romantic relationship mode after you do passionate mode first. You miss the getting to know you, the will-he-won’t-he, the butterflies. And he does too, by the way! Men are geared to pursue what they want and if it’s just handed to them, they focus on other things.

I’m not sure how you can turn this around. You guys being with each other seems like a habit. You are default go-to buddies.

If it were me I’d say, “Let’s have dinner and a movie OUT.” And not have sex that night but do have cuddling. Dress up for him. Somehow change the script. Say, “Now that you are special to me I want to make this special. If you don’t feel the same way now, you now know that I’m looking for a relationship, and maybe it will work out one day if I’m not with someone.”

If he says “No” say “Goodbye my Friend” and don’t have hookups with him again.

If he says “Yes”, great!

Good Luck,

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Inky.

Hi thisismeagan,

One possible explanation is that he must feel shame. Shame and guilt for being in jail and for the lost years. Someone told me once that it gets to the point where the time has been so long that the person thinks it’s TOO long to ever make going back an option.

If you’re up for it ~ and it’s TOTALLY optional! ~ find out where he lives now (a private investigator can help you with that). And contact/Visit him. Also visit and contact your siblings. Don’t worry, despite what people say, their lives won’t be “ruined”. He did after all, bring it on himself. You do exist. You Do!!

Now, after you visit these people, if they act like anything less than family ~ at least you tried. Then you can leave ~ on YOUR terms!

Blessings,

Inky

Hi Brian,

While trying Anita’s advice, I would also get wall to wall carpeting, drapes, heavy tapestries on the wall, and lots of pillows. These will reduce the sudden, loud, tinny sounds to muffled, subtle thumps.

It DOES make a difference!!

Best,

Inky