Hi Kat,

One way to wake up his attraction for you is to TELL him about all these guys. He may not believe it. He may believe they must have a fetish. Those would be coming from places of denial. But one thing’s for sure. We are attracted to whatever/whoever someone else is attracted to. It’s human nature.

Another way to perk his curiosity is to suddenly wake up at five in the morning happily singing Rogers and Hammerstein songs, wearing a sundress, say you’ll be back by noon, be out all day, then the next day be at the gym all day after professionally washing your car. Well that’s just me. My husband would say, “WHAT’S GOING ON HERE??” convinced there was someone in the background. And flowers everywhere. And new items in the house you would never buy for yourself.

I know you (probably) won’t do all that. But doing one or two is fun. It’s GOOD your husband sees some sort of mystique about you.

Maybe the problem isn’t you. Maybe he has low sex drive, is asexual, has ED.

If there is no physical problem on his end, has he truly been faithful to you? If not, why feel bad? Indulge in the attention! Tell him you want an Open Marriage. Why deny yourselves?

Good Luck!

Inky

Hi greenshade,

I think you should view this person as a learning experience. I’m not crazy about long distance relationships in general, so I won’t make the case to be with him. What I do think is that you should date a local person who treats you with the dignity, honor and respect you deserve.

Best,

Inky

P.S. No, don’t meet her!

Hi Koala,

Nothing creates distance like distance. If you live in the same town, move. If you live within an hour of each other, move. I know that’s not fair, but you will find your mental health improve in a dramatic way if you do.

Phone calls/texts: Limit how often you talk or respond. For one of my friends I s-l-o-w-l-y cut back to seeing that person once a year, talking on the phone once a month and responding to texts (limited one word/emoji answers!!) to once a week. Of course, you don’t tell them you’re doing this, and you don’t do this all at once. And yes, they hate it. And yes, there will be an eventual extinction burst where they act horridly horrid. But it’s totally worth it!!

Holidays: Break the family tradition and go away!! They will hate that, there will be guilt on all sides, but the first year is the hardest.

Read the classic book Boundaries by Townsend (I believe). It’s all about Assertiveness.

Best,

Inky

Hi Darren,

It sounds like your wife is already out of the marriage, it just isn’t legal yet. I think it’s noble and commendable you both want to be married for the sake of your daughter. Right now that is actually the right decision by her. But as she gets older, can you really live in limbo land like this?

Best,

Inky

Hi Nancy,

It’s amazing that you admit you’re no angel to them either. Most people wouldn’t admit that or even realize that.

There’s a saying, “Seek sanctuary in politeness”. Meaning the more you go over there and are utterly polite, neutral, keep your mouth shut, are easy breezy, the situation should get better by small degrees.

Winnie-the-Pooh meme: “What do you say when someone gives you an empty honey pot and a popped balloon?”

Answer: “Thank You.”

Best,

Inky

Hi Katie,

Didn’t you write that she had texted you asking if you could continue being friends… and you ignored her?

The girl made one mistake and everyone dropped her. Even, seemingly, you.

Some time has passed, but she could still be very defensive and feels judged by the world. She also associates you with that group, her mistake, and that time in her life. Her distance is her giving herself a little bit of dignity.

Give it time.

Best,

Inky

Hi Aprilgirl,

I would date youthful men in their fifties. They are mature, have had their kids (who are now grown) or will never have kids. At fifty a lot of them are in great shape and still look good. They will treat you better as they’re now wise enough to realize YOU are the catch.

I agree with looking outside the box for employment. Worst case scenario can you go back to India and live with your mom, or is that too much?

I’m sorry life is tough now. It’s helpful to think of life as a nonpersonal entity like the weather. It just is. It has nothing to do with your goodness or badness, worthiness or unworthiness. That’s what I do and it seems to piss life off even more that I shrug it off, but hey, you gotta laugh at it right?

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Inky.