Hi Hurting,

It sounds like she ghosted you last year, but still expects you to be there.

You have a couple choices:

1. You can drop the rope, hold onto her valuables, date other people and not tell her, and let her come to you for her things or to rebuild the relationship. You can even go back to your estranged wife! Why tell her? She’ll find out, what, five years later from friends in town and feel betrayed and hurt?

2. You can give her one last text that simply says, “I just want to let you know that I’m dating other people. If you want to date exclusively, please let me know.” This way you are direct and it frees you out of limbo land. Her expecting you to be loyal to her yet keep your distance for months and months on end is unrealistic no matter what she has going on. You can also drop off a key to a safety deposit box with her things and text her the box number. Then you are free from stuff!

She needs help that you can’t give her. Right now she views you as an irritant even though you could be a lifesaver. It also sounds like no matter what you do you will be chalked up to yet another man who let her down. Again, she needs a professional. Nothing you can do.

Good Luck,

Inky

Hi JC,

I would leave her alone. Let her take the lead. And don’t meet her kids.

I’m serious. The kids don’t need a new “daddy” or even an “uncle”. Especially now.

Let the woman breathe!

Best,

Inky

Hi Z,

I know money is tight, but I would see a doctor about your depression. You may need medication or to change any medication you’re on.

And I get it about showing weakness. I am being “monitored” by certain people on social media. So I don’t post anything that shows weakness. I don’t post! And if I “Unfriend” or “Block” they’ll know they’ve gotten to me. I read an article that says FaceBook is filled with vestigial friends (frienemies, people you met at a party eight years ago, relatives, high school people, etc.)

I encourage you to acquire more friends, so instead of these two being in your core friend group they are more in the periphery.

Love has a way of finding us when we’re not looking.

Only your mom can help your mom. And it’s good of you to watch your niece. Make sure the family isn’t taking advantage of you though.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Inky.

Hi Ariana,

It sounds like you’re already handling this super well, honestly.

Use The Broken Record Technique: Say the exact same thing when they do this. i.e. “I’m staying out of it, go talk with each other”. If you unfailingly do this, say, 132 times, on the 133rd/ time they will move on and you will have broken the dynamic. As far as you’re concerned, at least. The trick is to be utterly boring with that one phrase.

Good Luck!

Inky

Hi Exur,

I know this is scary, but I want you to collect every scrap of important document you have: Social security card, birth certificate, drivers license. On your way to work get a safety deposit box and store them there. Then go to a women’s shelter. You are an abused woman. Also, and this part is optional… make arrangements to MAYBE stay with (AND TELL) your best friend and/or boyfriend.

You have your own bank account, yes? While you are in your safe space, quit your old job and find a new job. This will make it harder to find you. Also get your own car as soon as you’re able.

If/When your parents find you, remember, YOU have power over Mr. Creep. You can say, “Do you want to tell Mom, or should I?” That should safely shut him up. Tell your mother you are a grown azz woman and it’s NORMAL to be independent and out of the house. (I would tell her myself. In fact, I did blow the whistle on my uncle, The Creep. Was I the black sheep? Yes. Am I still the black sheep? You bet. But for me, it was totally worth it.)

Stay Strong!

Inky

Hi coconut,

Forgive me for saying so, but I think you’ve been together with your boyfriend for too long. Let me get this straight… if another guy (co-worker) didn’t have chemistry with you (or vice-versa) he would never have moved in with you? Moving in with him (or anyone) is, in my opinion, a mistake! Then he makes passive aggressive digs at you?

He’s not worth the panic attacks.

Best,

Inky

Hi Janice,

When you remember the time(s) he called you stupid, just remember… breaking up with him was the smartest thing you could have done.

When you remember the time(s) he said he loves you but wouldn’t marry you, just remember… you wouldn’t marry him either because you deserve a quality husband.

When you remember the time(s) he called you dirty and impure, just remember… you belong to no one and have a clean, pure heart, and he’s the one with an unclean mind from the ancient world. P.S. In the ancient world, he couldn’t have you either. You’d be married off to a quality person.

The Phone: He doesn’t deserve to see your phone. The price of admission is a nice boy who apologizes when he’s wrong, and who treats you with respect.

If he gives you any more trouble, show him what I wrote, please.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Inky.

Hi TTK,

I think you should move away from him.

Of course, this will exacerbate his feelings that you are cheating on him.

But firstly, you’ve been together for eight years, long enough to snipe at each other. Who needs that?

Number two, he is not your husband, so technically you ARE a single woman (hint: he can change that if you say yes).

Lastly, you have a toddler. Who carries on a sordid affair with a toddler in tow? Bonus for him! She’s getting to that unfiltered age where she can babble about the nice uncles that come around during nap time.

I think the relationship has run its course and you need to be co-parents.

Best,

Inky