Hi Annabelle,

Your sister is choosing an incarcerated child rapist over her family. She is essentially saying that a convicted sexual abuser is more important than her nieces/nephews (and the child he abused). By contacting these types of low lifes in front of them, that sends a bad message. Abusers of any sort do not come before your family.

You simply cannot allow her to be in your home in contact with your children. This will send a powerful signal to her and your parents what is normal and acceptable. That the safety of your children and emotional wholesomeness come first.

There is no room for drama. Let her rage elsewhere. When your children ask what ever happened to auntie, say that “she has problems”.

Best,

Inky

Hi Alex,

Yesterday they were in high school and today they are engaged. What are they, nineteen? I guarantee the marriage wouldn’t work out. They are too young. Don’t be jealous of a doomed union. He couldn’t even handle being a good high school boyfriend, how would he be a good husband? By repeating history? By trying to have an affair with a single girl who doesn’t want him while having an actual one with a married woman?

You dodged a bullet, Alex! Celebrate!

Inky

Hi dreaming715,

This is what I did:

I said “This is my ring size” with a smile and a wink. And I didn’t say anything more about it.

I also never lived with him. If you are living together, move. I’m not kidding. Unspoken pressure (that you can leave anytime) is better than spoken pressure.

This is what his friend did (unprompted my me, it just happened):

He said “If you don’t marry her you’re crazy. This is the one. You know her ring size. Go to Tiffany’s. You can’t go wrong picking out any ring from there.”

Also, two years is long enough. He knows you don’t just want to get married. He knows that you want the proposal itself to be romantic. For some reason he is withholding that from you.  Just say, “Here’s my ring size. I’m moving in with my friends for a while. This has to come from you. No pressure.” And say it with a smile and a bounce to your step as if some other guy was shopping at Tiffany’s as you speak.

Good Luck!

Inky

• This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Inky.

Hi Edie,

My advice is to stop reaching out. And, if she does break down and try to contact you, for you not to respond.

Wait until school is out (I know this is hard), then maybe, just maybe, see if she’s matured any. Without the context of school and other people around in a few months, she could be in a place to be respectful towards you. AFTER you show her that you are not an emotional doormat.

I also suggest you temporarily deactivate your social media accounts. (Say you’re doing a Technology/Media Cleanse if anyone asks.) Then she can’t do that passive aggressive posting and will have to deal (or not deal) with you In Real Life. Teach her not to hide behind a screen.

Good Luck!

Inky

Hi Surviving30,

This will get better. It will take a long time (a LONG time!!) but I promise you.. when your username is “Survived40” you will look back on this man and feel bad for him and sorry for him. Or be shocked that you ever fell for someone like him. Or shocked that he is uglier, sadder, more entrenched in his abusive personality, sick or even in jail.

And the new man in your life (whoever that is at the time) will simply look better and better. And you two will go through your OWN traumas together, and victories, and life experiences. So that you will say THANK GOD for blessing you with what a good nice partner is supposed to look like!

Blessings,

Inky

Hi Kathleen,

Your parents don’t talk to you, you are a student, you work full time to support yourself and you volunteer (add gardening on top of that??). It’s like you’re feeling guilty for wanting to have a relationship because you keep writing that you are happy within yourself. You are so busy, it’s like you’re doing penance for having to support yourself, if that makes sense.

I say simplify your life, if possible.

No, it is not wrong to fall for someone ten years your senior. I did at nineteen. It didn’t work out because the guy felt more weird about it than I did at the time. (Ten years later he married someone my age who looked eerily like me, so that’s how he finally worked THAT out! LOL).

You are bisexual. Your parents couldn’t deal with it. Now you find a person you like. I think you are way overthinking it because subconsciously you don’t want to disappoint your disappointing parents (again)!

I say “Go for it!” It may not work out, but at least you tried.

Inky

Hi Christy,

Don’t blame your drinking problem on him. He’s not that powerful.

Don’t blame you not eating or sleeping on him either. Again, he’s not that powerful.

He’s really not.

You broke up with him. Relish in your power to make that You affirming decision.

The power to stop drinking. The power to eat well and get a good night’s sleep.

The power to go on a fabulous vacation. The power to make new friends and to reconnect with old friends and family. The power to take up an amazing new hobby.

The power to find someone better.

Best,

Inky