@Dannydan (tagged you properly so you read this – no reply necessary)

You didn’t owe anyone anything but to return their kindness and give your time shows how far you’ve come. It marks your appreciation for others.

Thanks for sticking around for me when it wasn’t necessary but I’ve learned an awful lot from this thread and from you too.

You did the work by taking the feedback which at times was confronting and you changed your bad habits and made amends. I hope your nuptials with ‘B’ cement what sounds like a beautiful beautiful union. I hope one day to read your ending or beginning even.. Wishing you both a very bright future and happiness. So thankful that there are men who can overcome their egos and evolve against all odds, who take accountability and address emotions. You inspired me to find love again, you inspired me not to become bitter by my past. You and Tim restored my faith in men. ❤

Good luck Danny in finding your forever home together and I hope your nuptials are just as magical as your proposal!

You’ve all been great and I have no choice but to check out. (I don’t wish to reach the heights of madness – talking to myself Lol)

I do hope everyone is doing as well as can be in their lives, some time soon to read your progress as you touched my life. Sending you all warmth and positivity @Shelbyville @Kkasxo @Tim1 @Luciel @Rhaenys @Aiyanahenderson @Mute @Adelaide1 @Michelle @Anita @Genie xxx

You have a very analytical mind @NBC, I completely get that because I’m the same.

From personal experience, I think you need some tough love.

Danny has given you some very good advice but you like to dissect each part to understand the why’s? This will just lead to more and more questions and a spiral. I was the same until I decided to confront my ex and it gave me the peace I needed. So snap yourself out of it or you’ll find yourself wasting yet more of your precious time.

Sometimes analysis is good to prevent mistakes or grow. However there comes a point where you have to stop, where you have to accept you’ll never know why certain things happened. Essentially all you solidly know are your own intentions. It would be amazing if everyone in life could give us honest feedback and accountability for their actions unfortunately very very few people are honest, genuine and transparent enough to do that.

That guy in between who took you on a magical date knowing you were leaving, may have had several reasons but that doesn’t matter, the main thing is you enjoyed it, it prodded you to experience relationships again. You didn’t harm him, that’s your take away from that.

You have not gained acceptance for the chapter with B. If pride is not an issue, you believe it had more legs then the only thing like Danny suggested is to confront him.

With every man if they really want you they will not pass the opportunity again when they know it’s now or never.

You could wind up wasting your time on someone who doesn’t even think about you.

Or you could end up marrying this man, who knows? The thing is unless you actively take the steps forward you will never know.

The worst case scenario will be be like you said an illusion brought to naught but the silver lining is you can actually really begin the process of moving on and then really opening up your mind and heart to someone new because if you just keep entertaining hope with B, you’ll never find space for someone new. You’ll compare and ruin all your future relationships.

Get yourself out of this cycle , as soon as you can. Once these musings become a habit, you will cry and fall and resolve , yet go back to it the next second. It’s all in you mind.

Betting on potential wasted many precious years of my life,yes in the end the very thing I desperately wanted over the years happened, he wanted to fight for me. But by then I had grown resentment for him. It wasn’t healthy and too much water under the bridge to even start afresh.

@Dannydan ‘s relationship and @Tim1 ‘s only worked out because they hadn’t got too deep. So the mistakes made although unfair on their partners were forgivable and fixable, thus allowed space to create a healthy new relationship.

@Kkasxo and mine were over years and in the end taught us what love wasn’t.

@Shelbyville finally saw that her ex was also toxic, the on/off nature meant they couldn’t sustain a healthy relationship even if she loved her ex.

You don’t seem to have been so enmeshed with B, so there’s that small chance, also you obviously can’t reach closure on your own so it’s time to just confront this finally.

Yes. I’m scared of being intimate again. Scared of if the physical connection I experienced with my ex will ever be experienced again but Danny is right i just need to take it slow and not compare.

@Dannydan thanks for your sage advice, I’m doing ok. Swamped with work and finding a new place but happy to be moving my life forward. Your advice is helpful and appreciated don’t ever feel like it’s going unheard!

It’s was curious because @Shelbyville always wanted that physical connection again, so wondering how she dealt with it and found it again with her new partner.

I’ve never been one for ONS and do want a longterm relationship.
That’s why I will not enter anything without being sure, I respect him too much to lead him on.

I always have needed an emotional connection to even want to kiss a man. I like @NBC find kissing very intimate and could only do it with someone I was attracted to and wanted more with.

I do feel like I want to touch my besties bro, hold his hand etc but at same time I am petrified as I know once it feels real I’ll get carried away and what if he decides he doesn’t feel the same anymore and not wanting something longterm? Guess it’s old rejection fears

I have always liked him and it’s funny how he’s always been there, we have always had great banter and chemistry but it wasn’t until recently I started to see him in a romantic light and feel desire for him.

I can imagine undressing him when I’m around him now and it’s weirdly exhilarating when we flirt and petrifying.

Who thought almost a year on I’d find the courage to begin a new. I’m so glad of the work I’ve done on myself before considering someone new. I know I will not hurt him because I haven’t rushed it to fill a void.

I’m so happy and excited for you Danny. Very proud of you too!! You’ve grown and come a long way. I hope your union keeps going from strength to strength!
I do look forward to reading how you feel once the union is cemented in more than one way 😉

@NBC

No problemo, I have the ability of whatever I read if I want it to can make it stick.

I’m pretty sure @Shelbyville is with 1 of the 2 guys she began dating at the same time. But I was surprised with the way he commited in the end based on what we had read prior, just goes to show we only know the snippets.

I can’t really comment much further just on what I’ve read. I hope @Shelbyville gets back to you, I could use some of her advice too.

Funny you mentioned Dreaming715 thread. Something that’s really worrying me now is being intimate again and I really wanted @Shelbyville advice on it.

I would hate to be in that situation where my fiancé was kind but our intimacy began to concern me. Actually @Danny how did you deal with this from your perspective even though your situation seems to be different?

@NBC talking to my ex gave me so much clarity. I stopped caring about how it made me look ( I was the dumpee) in the end it healed me. Had I wanted we could have tried again but I realised 4/5 years was enough to prove he wasn’t right for me.
You will not find anyone whilst having unresolved feelings for someone else. The only way of finding out who your person is, is by taking control and asking. It might be B or it might be someone else..

@Danny my previous place is sold, it is why I’ve been awol. Had to go back and pack up my belonging move them temporarily to my parents and storage. So it’s been stressful but exciting too.
How are you and your planning going?

My hearts always been big enough to forgive so I will care for the ex but I’ve learned to have greater care towards myself.

I’m definitely over the ex, I just seem to have developed new fears like intimacy. So I’ve told my besties bro that I like what we have right now, he is so understanding and not pushing. But I don’t want him to think I don’t like him and I’m leading him on. Quite the opposite, I can really see he’s someone who would be good for me, my bestie is supportive and I’m just petrified if I go for it fully, I’ll ruin it.

Urgh why is it so difficult , I just want to skip to the part I wake up next to my husband and a dog or and not have to worry about the rest!!!

I don’t think you’ll get an answer from @Shelbyville any time soon :(…She really needed a break. It’s a shame because I know you relate to her.

I’ve read all this thread, so can give you an approx timeline to reach her current guy based on what she stated. Maybe it will help you?

I don’t know if there was more in between. It might give you hope @NBC

Sept/Oct 2018 – she split up with her first ex

Jan 19 – a rebound from years ago got in touch with her and Shelby was advised not to entertain it, she went out with him to the cinema as a “friend” and it just reminded her of her ex. Don’t think anything happened.

She then tried dating websites- no one matched up with her ex.

March-May 19 – she reunited with her ex. It ended x3.

Aug 19 – before her travels she chatted with some guy back and forth with some flirty exchange. Bit of game playing he made it out it was just friends, she wasn’t happy with him controlling the pace and realised she didn’t want him in that way anymore – roll your eyes at kind of guy, I remember reading and I think they did hang out.

Sept/Oct 19 – After travels she referenced a guy who had been in the background but mentioned he was a sensitive guy so I doubt it was the same man above but not sure 🤷‍♀️ . She dated this sensitive man, spoke well of him, she started something and stopped- because she was still thinking of her ex still and they took a break for a few weeks.

Jan 20 – they became very close friends she described him glowingly (like Danny describes B) and he helped her during a difficult time. So we all assumed he was someone she was afraid of admitting feelings for, like Danny was with B.

Summer 2020– she said during lockdown she found herself wondering if she had feelings for him but in the end decided lockdown was just amplifying them. Things ended, some lines were drawn and turns out she felt no attraction to him and he was a flake. So we were wrong.

Aug 20 she mentioned dating apps, which she saw her ex on then the anger came. She then started dating 2 guys as distraction. 1st guy beat her to it and called time, she was upset. The 2nd guy was hot or cold at first but she really wanted him after they got intimate.

After some turbulence she is very happy and in love with the 2nd guy who really spoils, tells her he loves her. They’ve been dating 3/4months and she wanted a future with him before she took her break.

There was a mention of a journeymate to Danny. I don’t know who Shelbyville hurt like Danny.

Reading your situation @NBC my advice is confront your emotions. It is not healthy for your emotional wellbeing to be in this limbo. You don’t want the years to pass you by and regret not taking action and control sooner x

@Danny Wowww!

I’m sure if @Kkasxo, @Tim and @Shelbyville ever read your post they too will be so happy for you and proud!

Have you seen Daphne and Simon on Bridgerton (Netflix) your relationship resembles them two in my mind! Lol ❤

Your speech was heartwarming. It inspires me to find someone who makes me feel like I’m his best friend and home too.

I want to add don’t underestimate yourself. The growth you undertook was remarkable. You should commend yourself and always remember YOU fulfilled that potential within you and you do DESERVE her. Never question it, let your mistakes stay firmly in the past, don’t ever let them make you doubt yourself, she forgave you, you’ve made amends and you will go from strength to strength if you keep focusing on what you’ve both created right now.

Who would have thought…but you are such a romantic! You know I think most women don’t want the proposal to be extravagant with helicopters and flash mobs. The emphasis on recreating your pinnacle moments and falling in love was really beautiful and I’m sure ‘B’ must have felt completely blown away by it all. She’s a lucky woman too, you really stepped up Danny! I hope you continue in this vain.

It’s not easy making changes and compromising you’ve matured so much, that moment between you will now be extra special and something to look forward to! I really wish you both a long, happy and beautiful marriage together.

I think the type of connection you’ve invested in is going to serve you well. Having a friendship as the foundation can only lead to your love growing. Continue to be this best version of you and shine bright!

In terms of me, I know I can compartmentalise. It’s what led me to overindulging in alcohol using it as a crutch and that spiral.

I’m not too sure if that’s what may be happening again if I’m being honest, food for thought.

Over Christmas and NYs, I actually felt bit sombre because I was torn. I wanted to message his family, they were such a big part of my life. I don’t know if they would have messaged themselves but I changed my number before coming to my parents. I am finding it hard to let go of them completely but I know its for the best if I’m ever to move forward.

I knew they all adored and admired me, it gave me validation. The on/off nature of our relationship wore away at my self esteem. I do wonder if I feel the need to cling to the love of his family because it vicariously or indirectly allows me to feel loved by him as he is their son.

He did have an awakening of sorts after I contacted him for closure but in the end I knew based on the many years together it was empty promises and too late. You’re incredibly lucky that you and ‘B’ didn’t become so deeply involved and left space for a new relationship to work.

Maybe deep down I’m still holding onto something and hence by taking bold actions I feel it will speed up the process of fully healing rather than dealing with what I’m actually feeling? I don’t know, i need to reflect. But what I do know is that I don’t want to drag my past into a new relationship.

That would be incredibly cruel to figure out my shit whilst with someone. They’ll most likely fall for me with hot and cold behaviour. I know firsthand how easy it is to fall into that trap as that’s what my ex effectively did to me. It makes you want the person more but in long run leads to a toxic relationship.

I want to fully heal, that will allow me then to give my all to someone new and not potentially cock up something special.

Hey @Rhaenys

Happy new year to you too. I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel excluded. I do try my best to respond to all posts addressed to me or anyone new.

The new year in UK has brought another lockdown and plenty of time to utilise to begin a new chapter. I’m looking to sell my place I lived with my ex because I did much of my adulting with him. I want a completely fresh beginning.

How are you? I’m sure @Shelbyville will not mind you posting whilst she’s on a break.

@Danny what’s happening? I hope your engagement proposal went well.

@Kkasxo how are you coping? Did Mr A take his leave to give you peace?

Hope you all had a great start to the new year xxx

@Shelbyville nice to hear from you. Rest assured although I enjoy receiving correspondence to what I input (because it’s an investment of time and effort to respond to someone’s woes) I’ve grown up I don’t feel like I once did… Initially I know I was very reliant on yours and @Tim’s post. And tuning out was hard but I realised my mistakes.

Anyway you do you 😊 I’m happy you are prioritising yourself. I wish you a very merry Christmas. May the anxiety in your life ease and burdens halve now you have a BF by your side. All the best!!!

@All If anyone specifically needs my input or help please just tag me and I’ll reply..other than that I will let you all continue your journeys xxxx

• This reply was modified 4 years ago by Sammy.