I very much agree with what Mark said. You might feel like you’re bad at confrontation, but writing something in an email and leaving it at that is just going to give her a whole bunch of questions that you won’t be there to answer. If it’s that you stumble and don’t say everything, then Mark’s solution is perfect for that. Write a very clear, concise letter and read it to her, then answer her questions and give her closer. Make it concrete and final. Breaking up through email or any text is a coward’s way to end things, so please don’t do that to her.

I told her that my daughters are unhappy and my oldest doesn’t even want to come over anymore.  I said we are all unhappy.  I mean everyone.  and that because of things i have done(talking to my ex repeatedly behind her back) that I don’t think i can ever show her the love she needs and I don’t think she will ever not have some doubt and insecurity with me.  I pretty much said that I don’t think we are compatible as a family and such.   Well, she was hurt and all, but then in denial again.  It’s been two days and she’s still thinking we are going to be together forever.

When you talked to her and said all of those things, did you come out and flat-out say “I think we should break up” ? If you didn’t, I don’t even know if you really need a letter because it sounds like you said it all there aside from the most important words that finalize it… you just need to be firm and concrete with your wording…. “I have decided that we aren’t good together in a romantic relationship and I want to break up.”  That leaves little room for doubt or denial.

And when she says things about finding a place or that she should probably move out, just to hopefully get you to tell her to stay… instead of staying quiet… AGREE with her. Vocally agree that, yes, she should find a place. She will get how you feel that way but staying quiet leaves room for interpretation.

 The world is a cruel and ironic place that is for sure.  classic saying”  If i would have known then what I know now…”  I would of know to leave my ex completely alone, when she first showed signs, I should of just walked away, swallowed my pride and hurt and just left.  To be completely honest, that is what she needed.

That’s the thing about relationships… they teach us lessons. This was a good one for you to learn, and I’m sure you won’t make that mistake again, right? So it wasn’t all for nothing at least. It’s just preparing you for the BEST relationship.

of coarse because this whole thing has really made me understand what went wrong with my last relationship and how I caused the end because of how I acted and behaved.

You also can’t know that you caused the end because of how you acted and behaved. That’s technically a thought error called “mind reading.” You truly have no way of knowing what your ex was thinking or feeling or whether or not your relationship would’ve been saved if you’d done anything differently. She might’ve had a foot out the door and would’ve left no matter what you did. There’s no way of knowing… but honestly she probably did because it was the feeling of her pulling away that caused you to act like that, right?

But, yes, the lesson you learned is still a good one and it’s better to not do the things you did, BUT that doesn’t mean those things had any actual influence on the breakup…. just like your girlfriend’s actions now aren’t really the cause of you wanting to break up with her. You’ve been thinking of ending things since at least October. 

Hi, B.

I agree with what Anita said.

Also, even though you’re finding it hard to move on, just remind yourself that it takes time. You have an attachment to him that you need to break, and not having anything at all will help you to break it, but it will take time. So be gentle with yourself, keep your distance, and give yourself time. Keep yourself free and open to meet someone who will treat you right.

I think it’s okay to feel like you’re meant to be together too, though, but just make sure you’re keeping your options open… like you want her or someone better.

 I know ” if we connected so deeply, then why couldn’t we communicate?”

Honestly, that doesn’t really make any sense anyway. Just because you’re connected doesn’t mean either one of you have exceptional communication skills. That’s why you hear sometimes of people breaking up and then getting back together years later and it working so much better because they’ve grown and learned to communicate better in the time they were apart.  Also, from what you’ve said, you were very much focused on how you were feeling at the time, and it’s hard to communicate effectively when that happens.

She was your best friend… but have you ever had a different best friend (girl or guy) in your life that you don’t talk to much now? I know I have, and it sucked to lose them at first, but eventually you stop missing them so much. If you’ve had that experience, take this as the same as that, even if the feelings are stronger or different with her. It still doesn’t mean she was the best you’ll ever get.

I think counseling will really help, too, and it’s a good idea that you’re planning on trying it again. There are several really good books on detaching and also healing from breakups. What do you think about reading books with advice on how to heal from heartbreak?

No, you’re not wrong to not want to show him your phone. You’re right in that you’ve set a boundary of trust and it should be respected. This guy does not sound like he was any good for you at all. It’s likely you can’t stop thinking about him because you just broke up a few days ago and you still feel the attachment to him. Give yourself some time… like several months’ worth of time. The attachment will likely fade, your thoughts of him will decrease, and I’m sure you’ll feel much better for not having to deal with someone who treats you in this way.

I hope you feel proud of yourself for choosing not to tolerate this kind of treatment, because the fact that you chose to leave an abusive relationship is definitely something to be proud of. A lot of people stay when they shouldn’t.

Joe, when people say you’re good looking, please believe them. Do yourself that favor. I’m sure they wouldn’t say it if they didn’t mean it.

There is also good reason why you don’t like yourself in pictures…. lots of people don’t… because the image is flipped from what you see in the mirror. The mirror image of you is the one you see in your head. Pictures of you look different than the mirror version of you because everything is at opposite angles from what you’re used to seeing.  So it looks really weird and not anything like you’re used to, so it’s understandable that you wouldn’t like it. Does that make sense?

I also want to say it’s normal to feel insecure, too, especially when you’re younger and that it generally starts to get better as you get older. I think just about everyone is insecure about some part of their bodies and has the feelings that you do, where sometimes they feel like they look good and sometimes not so much. It can take effort to appreciate your features more often than not, but remember that your bad view about how you look is just an opinion, and those can be changed.

Maybe saying some self-affirmations in the mirror would help?  It might feel silly or awkward when you start doing them, but they’ve been shown to improve mood and mindset.  Have you ever watched any of Kerwin Rae’s videos? He has one where he teaches people to say “This is simple. This is easy. This is fun” when they’re doing a task/job they hate, and repeating that phrase changes their mindset about their job to where it’s more enjoyable. He explains the psychology behind that in the video, but it’s basically tricking your mind into seeing what you’re doing in a different way.  I think the same would go for your feelings about your appearance. If you look at yourself and say “dang, I look good today,” “I have a great, masculine nose,” or whatever you want to say… no matter whether you feel you do or not, but repeat it until you mean it and you can feel your mood lift, it’s quite possible that could improve your opinion of yourself.

There is also something else that I want to talk about, ( and it annoys because I feel like im rumating), but I think I should acknowledge the fact that I have been very insecure about my nose since freshmen year. Back then it was not that bad, because I would just notice a hump (which was probably cause by playing rugby)  through a certain angle in photos.

If it helps you any, I was insecure about my nose when I was your age, too. Mine is very small but is what I call “ski slopey.” I have a bump at the bridge that slopes down and then the tip of my nose turns up a little bit at the end but it’s quite noticeable from my profile because of the bump. I felt weird about it…. but then I had 2 kids who both have my nose and I love it now because I think their noses are cute on them… so  that means mine probably doesn’t look so bad on me either.  It just goes to show how we can see things on ourselves that we don’t like but when we see the same things on other people, we realize they’re actually not as bad as we thought…. so it’s probably not your nose that’s the problem, it’s just the way you’re viewing your nose.

During junior year I was insecure about it, but at the same time I knew girls thought I was pretty good looking, but this year I’m barely attracting any girls and feel like I became uglier.

It’s likely the girls are sensing your insecurities rather than anything about your facial features. I’m sure your physical attractiveness hasn’t changed much in that time, but confidence is emotionally attractive, so if you can get back to feeling like you look good and you like what you see and how you feel, I’m sure you’ll experience a turn-around when it comes to attracting the ladies.

Mark, I just simply plan on telling her that i don’t think we are compatible.  Not as families or lovers.  That the amount that we fight and disagree and have issues with our children and our children having issues with each other is too much.  That in fact it is reversed.  What i mean by that is that for the amount of time we fight or have problems is the amount of time that we should be happy and all getting along and vise versa.  I’m going to tell her that I’m just not happy like I should be and my girls are not happy either.  That we need to be on our own.  That I need significant time to also rebuild my relationship with my girls.  That I just can’t do this anymore.  Feeling guilty and responsible for her happiness and wellbeing.

Just jumping in to say that this sounds good. Solid reasons.

Also, I know you’re feeling guilty, but guiltiness implies a responsibility for a specific wrongdoing, and you are not the only person at fault for the downfall of this relationship or for her feeling hurt. You both contributed in your own ways. Although it’s totally understandable to feel sad or down, try to reframe it in your mind so that you know you aren’t the “guilty” party, she is not the victim, and that blame is shared quite equally in this case. People feeling hurt is a natural byproduct of situations like this and no one is technically at fault for that either. You both have hurt each other so no one is specifically to blame. It’s both of you. It might help you with your resolve to actually go through with the breakup this weekend if you’re able to get over that guilty feeling a bit.

Really, there’s no point in trying to understand why narcissists are the way they are. It’s a legitimate personality disorder that is unlikely to change… and lots of times, I’m noticing that they have at least one parent that is very enabling. Sounds like his mom is his enabler. That’s also unlikely to change because neither one sees anything wrong with his behavior.

You just need to stop letting yourself get sucked in. You know better at this point, right?  No matter what you feel for him, you know your life is better off without him in it, so that is a boundary you must set for yourself and stick to it. Push HIM out before he pushes you out.