I’m glad it finally hit you that you haven’t really been taking care of your own needs. That’s what I’ve been saying with the self-care. People don’t seem to get how important that is until all of the needs they’ve been neglecting finally blow up.

So the next day rolls around.  Now we are back where we were again??  Now we are  “working on it” again.  I don’t understand this.

I think you should really think about how you got back to where you are and you might be able to understand it a little better. If you weren’t firm with her, specifically saying that the relationship is over and that you do NOT want to work on things, then that’s how you got back where you are again. Were you firm and concrete during that conversation or did you bend and agree to work on it because you let your “big heart” get in the way?

I know she will do absolutely anything to make me happy and to be with me.  That kills me.  This is what i’ve always wanted.  Someone to give them self to me like this.  This is exactly how I felt about my ex.  I would have done anything within my power that she asked of me.

I wish i could feel the same about my girlfriend.

Think about this for a second though…. it’s a nice thought, but it’s codependence. You were likely codependent with your ex, too. Codependence isn’t healthy for the exact reasons that her therapist told her… you put your partner’s needs above your own and your entire life tends to revolve around your partner. If you get some time, read up on codependency. There are lots of blogs, especially on Psychology Today’s website and Talkspace. My ex and I DID feel the same about each other and it still blew up in our faces because it isn’t a healthy way to be.

Are you still seeking counseling, too? I really think you should both because of your views on and desire for codependence and because your “big heart” is NOT at all an asset to you right now, and I think it’s actually causing you to be avoidant and to make maladaptive decisions, so if you’re going to therapy, that’s definitely something you’ll want to talk to them about and work on. I had to do it for the same reasons, and I’m much better for it. This whole thing could’ve been done and over with 5 months ago and you wouldn’t have the added pain of now her son wanting to call you dad. If you wait any longer, it’s just going to keep getting harder for everyone involved.

So yes, definitely write the letter, but maybe keep it more simple than you’re planning. If you feel like you need to list things, instead of saying they make you upset or unhappy, just say these are the things that are incompatible with your needs and are unfixable between the two of you.

I am going to tell her that I was in love with her, but everything has killed that feeling.  That I do love her still, and that is why I keep giving in and telling her we will try.

I would leave that part out, though. It gives her something to latch onto and makes it seem like the relationship is fixable because the love is still there. Just leave the word love out of breakups entirely.  Your wish to say that probably stems from your desire to make it less painful, right? But thinking someone loves you and still wants to leave you makes things more painful, in my opinion… and also makes the love seem a bit like a lie.  If she specifically asks you if you still do after she reads the letter, then you can say you do but I’d say not romantically, but other than that, just don’t even bring that up.

I will tell her that I wish things were different, but they aren’t.  That it’s not what I want, it’s what I need.

(side note: that is what my ex told me after we broke up, I never understood it until now.)

I’d also leave out the “it’s not what I want, it’s what I need.” My ex said that to me too and it’s SUPER frustrating and also patronizing. How did you feel when your ex said that to you?  They likely both said it just to lesson their own guilt and to make the breakup sound better, but it doesn’t, really, does it? Even if you understand it later? In the moment, it doesn’t help, so I’d just leave that out.

I would also hand write the letter and hand it to her directly, have her read it in front of you. Be FIRM, CONCRETE. Leave no doubt. If she seems in denial, just keep reaffirming to her that things are over, no matter how bad that makes you feel. If she begs you to work on it, simply say no. You do not want to work on it.

I have a few questions….

If she stays with you, is there room for you two to sleep separately?

How are your kids going to feel about you seeing them less because of this? Wouldn’t letting your girlfriend stay and seeing your kids less in the meantime be putting your girlfriend’s needs over your kids? I suppose it’d be fine if your kids don’t care either way, but it’s possible they’ll feel slighted by it, and they should be your priority. So definitely something to think about.

What I’ve noticed is that many of the members make judgements about me, without even having had a conversation with me. I dress like an investment banker, it makes people who are more comfortable in jeans and T-shirts feel differently. The level of speech (my vocabulary and complexity) are higher than most, again people feel uncomfortable. The fact that I have a very assertive and self-confident walk and mannerisms, irks others. If they actually sat down with me they would see that “condescending” aura shrink, but people would rather believe what they want to believe.

My take on all of this is that you cannot control people’s perceptions of how they see smartly dressed, accomplished people who use complex vocabularies. If you are generally friendly and don’t speak in a way that makes it sound like you believe those who are dressed down and speak in more conversational terms are “less than,” or inferior to you, then you are likely just being lumped in with a stereotype. I’ve come across quite a few people who absolutely do use their “million dollar words” to make people feel inferior in conversations, and I think those are the people who give others who are simply being their brilliant selves a bad name. The way you dress and speak may also make you seem a bit “uptight,” which can come off as arrogant. If you wish to not be seen as condescending, it might be worth it to dress down a little bit (however many of the other members of that club dress) and use normal conversational speech rather than your complex vocabulary, which may make you seem more relatable. However, I would really suggest that you just continue to be yourself, get to know those who are willing to get to know you, and pay no mind to those who don’t understand you….

…but maybe, at least for a little while, pay close attention to how people react to your words in conversation. Their facial expressions and body language responses, especially. Notice any changes that happen immediately after you say certain things. That will tell you a lot on whether you’re saying or doing things that are putting people off and what those things are.

If it were me, I would just let her know that you’re there for her whenever she needs you or wants to talk/vent but that you’re going to give her her space, too, in case she doesn’t feel like talking and then just leave it at that and check in maybe once a day or every couple days (whatever is regular for you guys) to see how she’s doing.

I know you want to take her pain away, but it’s actually really important that she feels it right now because that’s how she’ll eventually be able to let it go. Breakups suck, but they can be great catalysts for change in a positive way, so just let her feel her pain and sit with it for a bit and be there for her when she needs you, and that’ll help her more than even cheering her up will in the long term.

I agree with Inky 100%.  Sometimes we just don’t mesh well with people “energetically,” and things just feel off. We should not date those people…. especially if you’re feeling this way after only a month and a half. You should technically still be in the “deliriously happy, everything they do is perfect” phase.

On the other hand… I feel like it needs to be asked…. do you only experience this with him or is it with a lot of other people, too?

The only best friend i really ever had is my buddy that i still see on a regular basis, we’ve know each other since we were 12.  so for 33 years now.  There have been times when either of us moved away for a year or two and it didn’t bother me.  Not like this.  It’s so hard to explain.  There a so many times in a day when i see something or do something, and I just want to tell her.  Not even a romantic thing, just because that’s what we did.  I guess a way to put it in perspective is if a family member or animal died that lived with you, for the begging, you forget sometimes and when you get home you call out to them or think they are there.  I guess that’s kind of how I feel, but it’s a year and a half later!  We did not communicate very well in the end, but before that freaking weekend trip away.  Even though we were 120 miles apart,we were in separable.  We kept in touch frequently throughout the day and night every day.

Again, if there’s anyone here that understands this, it’s me. I totally get it and you don’t even have to explain it. I know exactly what you mean because I’ve felt the same way about my ex and had a very similar relationship with him as you did yours, so I want you to believe me when I tell you that it’s killing you because of the meaning you’re attaching to her in your mind and the things you’ve been telling yourself over and over for the last year. If you tell yourself over and over and over that she was your best friend ever and you’ll never find another and you’re miserable and empty without her, that’s exactly how you’re going to keep feeling because you’re constantly reiterating and reaffirming it to yourself.  There’s a video by Kerwin Rae where he talks about saying “This is simple. This is easy. This is fun.” when you’re doing a job you don’t want to do and it makes the job more enjoyable because you’re basically tricking your brain into feeling like it’s enjoyable. That’s the kind of thing you might want to start doing when it comes to your ex. When you get some time, Google that video and it’ll explain the psychology behind it. What you’re doing right now is the exact opposite of what you want to be doing if you truly want to feel better.

My point about the best friend thing was that you aren’t lamenting it when they aren’t in your life, likely because you either expect that you’ll talk to them again at some point, or even if you don’t expect to, you know you’re capable of living without them… and if you’re capable of being fine when your best guy friend isn’t in your life all the time… you’re absolutely capable of being fine with your ex not in your life… you just have to stop telling yourself that you aren’t.

Aside from that, I STILL think of my ex daily, miss him very much, and I’m always thinking of things I want to tell him, so I understand where you’re coming from, but it doesn’t kill me because I don’t tell myself constantly that it’s killing me. My life is good. I’m okay and happy overall, and I know that. I don’t NEED him. I just want him. There’s a difference. If you’re feeling like you NEED her, then you have some work to do before you’ll ever be able to actually be with her again. But anyway… sometimes when I see a meme I wish I could show him, I’ll just save it in a folder on my computer to share if we are ever in each others’ lives again, and then I move on with my day. Maybe if you tried that… start a word document. When you think of something you want to tell her, just write it in there like you’re telling her, and then move on with your day. Don’t lament the fact that you can’t actually tell her… just write it like you’re telling her and move on.

But I can tell you one thing…. no matter what you do, you will never feel better if you keep telling yourself that you’re empty and miserable without her… even if that’s what you believe right now. Your feelings on that are showing you that you need to change that belief.  It’s not a real thing. It’s just your attachment to her. You’re only thinking that way because you’re allowing yourself to believe it.  And again… this is coming from someone who also had an extremely deep connection with her ex who felt like home and we were inseparable and texted nonstop when we were apart, and I still do think there’s a good chance we’ll end up back together at some point. You don’t have to give up all hope to be together in order to feel happy and whole. You DO have to give up the idea that she is perfection and there’s no one better for you. Keep hope alive if you feel you’re meant to be but also keep your options open.

Also… if you can only read a couple pages of a book before your mind wanders, meditation would probably be a good idea to start doing regularly. Train that brain to be able to focus without constantly having intrusive thoughts.

Why do you have to handle your current situation before you start counseling?  You’re still planning on the breakup this weekend, right?

I feel like what he’s doing is a very basic thing of what not to do in a relationship.  You’ve told him that you don’t like the comments, and no matter what his opinions may be on why you don’t like the comments, it’s a reasonable thing to ask of him to keep them to himself and he should respect that.

The way I’d go at it is to dump him, honestly, but it’s up to you to decide whether or not this is a deal breaker, especially since he’s expressed that he has no plans of changing it and expects you to just deal with it. How you choose to deal with it is now up to you.

If I were you, I would just go ahead and tell her and present her with proof to back it up. It’s likely she won’t believe you unless you show her proof of it, if she trusts her man. Speaking from experience, I once had a boyfriend that cheated on me with about 8 different girls that I know of, and I didn’t even believe my close friends at first when they told me, but I finally believed it when I got him to admit it. So proof helps a lot in that case.

At any rate…. I think most people would want to know if their significant other were cheating on them, because, not only is it a betrayal, but if he’s sleeping with other women and not using protection with them or her, it invites STDs. So telling her would ultimately be doing her a HUGE favor, even though it will most definitely make her upset… but her being upset is ultimately the result of HIS actions, not the result of you telling her about his actions. Know what I mean?

Yeah, if you’re getting worse, it’s definitely a good idea to seek counseling. Go to someone different than before if you don’t feel like the last one helped you.

You seem really frustrated every time you post about her. Is it the fact that you’re still thinking about her that’s upsetting you or something else? Have you tried anything else besides trying to stay busy and distracted?

If it’s the fact that you’re thinking about her that’s frustrating you, you might just have to accept that she’s going to be on your mind and be okay with it. Don’t fight the thoughts when they come, but don’t encourage them either and don’t let yourself long for her. Not fighting the thoughts and being okay with them passing through whenever they come might help you diminish them. But lots of things still remind me of my ex, too. I think about him daily, and my son even talks about him quite often, but I’m just at the point where I appreciate that he was in my life and made such an impact on us, and it sucks that he’s not here now, but it is what it is. I’m okay with not having what I want because maybe I don’t have him because something better is on the way. Working to a point where you feel that way, though, where you’re okay with things being as they are for the time being helps a lot with the suffering.