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Posts tagged with “abuse”

How I Found Forgiveness and Compassion When I Felt Hurt and Betrayed

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“I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning.” ~Haruki Murakami

I’ve always felt like someone on the outside. Despite having these feelings I’ve been relatively successful at playing the game of life, and have survived through school, university, and the workplace—although, at times, working so hard to ’survive’ has impacted my emotional well-being.

I have been lucky enough to have healthy and supportive relationships with a few loved ones who have accepted me as I am (quirks and all). To anyone else I’ve come across, I suspect I’ve been perceived as inexplicably normal and inoffensive.

Like many …

I Don’t Know Who I Am: How I’m Finding Myself Again After the Abuse

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“When you turn the corner / And you run into yourself / Then you know that you have turned / All the corners that are left.” ~Langston Hughes

Nearly two years ago I left a long-term controlling and abusive relationship.

I didn’t know that I was in one. I just knew that I was desperate.

Abusers take everything away from you. I don’t just mean your money or your home or your children, although they take those as well. I mean everything, including your sense of self.

Toward the end of the relationship, I wrote in my journal: “I …

How I Claimed My Right to Belong While Dealing with Imposter Syndrome

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TRIGGER WARNING: This post briefly references sexual abuse.

“Never hold yourself back from trying something new just because you’re afraid you won’t be good enough. You’ll never get the opportunity to do your best work if you’re not willing to first do your worst and then let yourself learn and grow.” ~Lori Deschene

The year 2022 was the hardest of my life. And I survived a brain tumor before that.

My thirtieth year started off innocently enough. I was living with my then-boyfriend in Long Beach and had a nice ring on my finger. The relationship had developed quickly, but …

“But He Never Hit Me!” – How I Ignored My Abuse for 30 Years

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“People only see what they are prepared to see.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Abuse is a funny thing. I don’t mean humorous, of course.

I mean the other definition of funny: difficult to explain or understand.

Abuse shouldn’t be difficult to understand. If someone is mistreated, we should be able to clearly point a finger and proclaim, “That is wrong.”

But not all abuse is obvious or clear-cut.

I was abused for most of my adult life and didn’t know it.

Crazy, right?

Let me state it again: I was abused and didn’t know it.

I only saw what I …

Abandonment Wounds: How to Heal Them and Feel More at Ease in Relationships

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“I always wondered why it was so easy for people to leave. What I should have questioned was why I wanted so badly for them to stay.” ~Samantha King

Do you feel afraid to speak your truth or ask for what you want?

Do you tend to neglect your needs and people-please?

Do you have a hard time being alone?

Have you ever felt panic and/or anxiety when someone significant to you left your life or you felt like they were going to?

If so, please don’t blame yourself for being this way. Most likely it’s coming from an …

How I Stopped Being Everything I Hated About My Parents

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“The beautiful thing about life is that you always change, grow, and get better. You aren’t defined by your past. You aren’t your mistakes.” ~Unknown

When I was an angsty fourteen-year-old, I remember screaming at my parents that I never (ever!) wanted to become like either of them. And I meant it.

My dad was a workaholic who was never at home. When he was at home, he was emotionally unavailable, arguing with my mother, or he’d escape the stress of our house by going to the betting shop to gamble.

My mother had erratic mood swings, did not allow …

9 Things I Would Tell My Younger Self to Help Her Change Her Life

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“You are one decision away from a completely different life.” ~Mel Robbins

At twenty-six years old, I lost my dad to suicide. I was heartbroken and so angry.

My dad was not the best. Ever since I was little, he would criticize everything I did. I was never good enough for him, and I was a place he discharged his anger through emotional insults.

It never stopped, and I was always on high alert around him. Right until the moment he took his life.

He could also be loving, kind, funny, and warm, but my nervous system could never …

3 Key Benefits to Forgiving and Why I Thanked My Imperfect Parents

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TRIGGER WARNING: This post mentions physical abuse and may be triggered to some people.

“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” ~Marianne Williamson

The subject of forgiveness comes up often in conversation, but I find that when it comes to the details of what that truly entails, what that process feels like is not actually talked about.

Over the years, I’ve heard the following statements most often from people when the subject of forgiving someone came …

5 Surefire Signs You Grew Up with an Emotionally Immature Parent

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“There’s no such thing as a ‘bad kid’—just angry, hurt, tired, scared, confused, impulsive ones expressing their feelings and needs the only way they know how. We owe it to every single one of them to always remember that.” ~Dr. Jessica Stephens 

All children look up to their parents from the moment they enter this world. They have this beautiful, pure, unconditional love pouring out of them. Parents are on a pedestal. They are the ones who know what’s best! They are the grownups showing us how to do life!

We don’t think for one moment that they could be …

How I Knew It Was Emotional Abuse: The Subtle Signs I Almost Missed

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“I hope you find love, but more importantly, I hope you’re strong enough to walk away from what love isn’t.” ~Tiffany Tomiko

A few weeks after breaking up from what I thought was a loving relationship that in reality was sliding into an emotionally abusive one, I had a dream.

In it, I was hiding from a group of dangerous people, but could see the footsteps of one of them coming toward me. Suddenly they saw me, and I pleaded to them, “Please, don’t kill me,” and they turned and left. When I emerged, I could see the victims all …

4 Things I Needed to Accept to Let Go and Heal After Trauma

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TRIGGER WARNING: This post references sexual abuse and may be triggered to some people.

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ~Steve Maraboli

My family immigrated to the U.S. from India when I was sixteen. Being Indian, my traditional family expected me to have an arranged marriage.

At twenty-two, as a graduate music student, I fell in love with an American man. When my family found out about our secret relationship, they took me back to India and …

I Cheated on Him with My Higher Self (and We’re Still Going Strong)

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“It’s okay to let go of those who couldn’t love you. Those who didn’t know how to. Those who failed to even try. It’s okay to outgrow them, because that means you filled the empty space in you with self-love instead. You’re outgrowing them because you’re growing into you. And that’s more than okay, that’s something to celebrate.” ~Angelica Moone

“How could you do this to me? It’s obvious you’re with someone else.”

That was the third and final message I received from my partner of nearly three years, several weeks after we had finally decided to break up. I …

10 Ways to Calm Anxious Thoughts and Soothe Your Nervous System

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“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” ~Jack Canfield

Freezing in fear is something I have done since I was a child.

My first home was an unsafe one, living with my alcoholic granddad. Once upon a time I didn’t know life without fear.

I learned young to scan for danger. How were everyone’s moods? Were the adults okay today? I would freeze and be still and quiet in an attempt to keep myself safe and control an eruption.

Unknown to me, between the ages of conception and seven years old my nervous system was being programmed. …

Why I Had to Stop Judging Myself to Start Healing from Childhood Trauma

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“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” ~Brené Brown

A few years ago, when I began recovering from childhood trauma, the first thing I learned was that I needed to master the skill of self-awareness.

However, becoming aware came with some pretty hard truths about who I was, what I did, and how I acted because of what had happened to me.

Although I eventually found the courage to face some challenging experiences from my past, I wasn’t ready to forgive and accept myself.

When …

Why Codependents Don’t Trust Themselves to Make Decisions and How to Start

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“Slow, soulful living is all about coming back to your truth, the only guidance you’ll ever need. When you rush, you have the tendency to follow others. When you bring in mindfulness, you have the power to align with yourself.” ~Kris Franken

Codependency previously created a lot of pain and agony in my life. One of the ways it manifested was in my inability to trust myself. I would overthink decisions to death, fearful that I would choose the “wrong one” or upset someone if they didn’t agree or were disappointed by my choice.

I was terrified of “making a …

After the Assault: What I Now Know About Repressed Trauma

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TRIGGER WARNING: This article details an account of sexual assault and may be triggering to some people.

The small park down the street from my childhood home: friends and I spent many evenings there as teenagers. We’d watch movies on each other’s MP3 players and eat from a bag of microwave popcorn while owls hooted from the trees above.

Twigs lightly poked against our backs. Fallen leaves graced skin. Crickets hummed in the darkness. The stars shone bright through the branches of the redwoods.

Eight years later at a park in Montevideo, Uruguay, darkness again surrounded me. Leaves and twigs …

You Can Be the Cycle Breaker: 9 Ways to Heal After Childhood Trauma

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“It’s up to us to break generational curses. When they say, ‘It runs in the family,’ you tell them, ‘This is where it runs out.’” ~Unknown

I never even knew what I experienced was trauma. It was my normal. I was born into a world where I had to walk on eggshells, always on high alert for danger.

I held my breath and always did my best to be good and to not cause an eruption of my dad’s temper. He literally controlled my every move through fear. I agreed to anything just to feel safe and to please him.…

5 Ways to Start Healing from the Grief of Betrayal and Domestic Abuse

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“If your heart hurts a little after letting go of someone or something, that’s okay. It just means that your feelings were genuine. No one likes ends. And no one likes pain. But sometimes we have to put things that were once good to an end after they turn toxic to our well-being. Not every new beginning is meant to last forever. And not every person who walks into your life is meant to stay.” ~Najwa Zebian

It’s hard to describe what betrayal feels like. Unless you’ve experienced it, I mean, in which case you’ll know. You’ll know that moment—the …

How My Trauma Led Me to the Sex Industry and What’s Helping Me Heal

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“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ~Rumi

The hardest battle I’ve fought is an ongoing one. It’s an all-consuming shadow of dread that never leaves, only resting long enough for me to catch my breath.

I know what it feels like to be depressed. I know the feeling of pain and hopelessness so well it almost feels like home.

I remember being around eleven years old and thinking, wow, this all seems so meaningless. I had become awakened by my consciousness and overwhelmed by emptiness. I knew then that there was more to life than …

How I Stopped Chasing Men Who Hurt Me and Found Healthy Love

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“There are two things you should never waste your time on: things that don’t matter and people who think that you don’t matter.” ~Ziad K. Abdelnour  

“What is wrong with me?” I asked myself. Crying in the dark of the night. “Why doesn’t he love me?”

I’d tried to fold myself in all the ways I could to be loved and accepted, but it was never enough. I found myself repeating patterns of chasing men who just didn’t want me. Same cry in the night, different men.

The more I chased them, the more they ran away, and the deeper …