Posts tagged with “abuse”
Why Stability Feels Unsettling When You Grew Up Around Chaos
“Refuse to inherit dysfunction. Learn new ways of living instead of repeating what you lived through.” ~Thema Davis
For anybody that experienced a chaotic childhood, stability in adulthood is unfamiliar territory.
When you grow up in an environment where shouting is the norm, unstable relationships are all you observe, and moods are determined by others in your household, it’s hard to ever feel relaxed.
As an adult dealing with the long-term effects of childhood instability and chaos, I jump at the slightest sound now.
And I know I’m not alone when I say instability is all I have experienced.
I …
Dear Everyone Who Tells Me I Should Reconcile with My Parents
“You are allowed to terminate your relationship with toxic family members. You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself.” ~Unknown
You might think I’m a monster because I don’t have a relationship with my parents. I don’t spend holidays with them; I don’t call them and reminisce; they don’t know pertinent details about my life, my friends, my family, my work, or even the person I have become. Do these facts shock you?
It is possible that you have only known loving, supportive parents. Parents who …
How I Healed My Mother Wound and My Daughters Are Healing Theirs
“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself… You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow…” ~Kahlil Gibran
Now that my daughters are in therapy trying to heal their relationship with me, I have more compassion than ever for my mom. I haven’t felt angry at her in years. But when I was a teen, I earnestly desired to kill her more than once.
I …
My Mother’s Abuse and the Two Things That Have Helped Me Heal
“I love when people that have been through hell walk out of the flames carrying buckets of water for those still consumed by the fire.” ~Stephanie Sparkles
I have a tattoo on my back of Charles Bukowski’s quote “What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.” It spoke to me as I had been walking, often crawling, through a fire for much of my life.
At times, I took different paths, skipping through fields of flowers, but eventually I would find my way back to what I knew, which gave me a strange sense of comfort—the fire …
Abuse is Like an Iceberg: The Cruelty and Pain You Never See
“What we see is only a fractional part of what really is.” ~Unknown
On the surface, in the public eye, it can seem trivial. It might look like the seemingly harmless teasing of a child or romantic partner, joking about words they have mispronounced or silly mistakes they have made. Inane mistakes like putting on a shirt backward, burning something in the oven, or losing their keys. Mistakes that everyone makes.
Abuse might sound like judgmental comments that appear to come from a place of compassion. Comments like:
My daughter doesn’t apply herself; she’s lazy, and I wish she …
If You’re Afraid to Ask for Help Because You Don’t Trust People
“Ask for help. Not because you are weak. But because you want to remain strong.” ~Les Brown
I sat in the doctor’s office, waiting—linen gown hanging off me, half exposed—while going through the checklist in my mind of what I needed help with. I felt my breathing go shallow as I mentally sorted through the aches and pains I couldn’t seem to control.
Fierce independence and learning to not rely on others are two of the side effects of my particular trauma wounds, stemming from early childhood neglect and abandonment. During times of heightened stress, my default state is …
How I Stopped Feeling Sorry for Myself and Shifted from Victim to Survivor
“When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending.” ~Brené Brown
There was a time when I felt really sorry for myself. I had good reason to be. My life had been grim. There had been so much tragedy in my life from a young age. I had lost all my grandparents young, lived in a home with alcoholism and domestic abuse, and to top it all off, my dad killed himself.
I could write you a long list of how life did me wrong. I threw myself …
What Is Stress-Induced Illness? How Trauma Can Cause Physical Pain
“Wisdom is merely the movement from fighting life to embracing it.” ~Rasheed Ogunlaru
Three years ago, I fell into the blind spot of medicine: America’s unknown epidemic.
After numerous tests, scans, scopes, and too many doctors to count, modern medicine could not find anything seriously wrong with me. I also consented to have my gallbladder removed. My first and only surgery at age forty, an “experiment” of sorts.
Six months into the worst nightmare of my life, my spiraling health started to take a huge toll on me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I didn’t want to live anymore, but …
Why Other People’s Comments Hurt Us and How to Let Them Go
“It’s not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean.” ~Tony Robbins
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Wow. That one takes me waaay back. All the way to the elementary school playground. A place where I attempted to use it as a shield. As juvenile as this saying is, I would search for comfort in its words for years to come.
In the end, it doesn’t matter how old we get. It’s good to feel a part of something, to be understood, and …
How I Overcame Shame from Sexual Assault and Began to Love Myself
“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.
It was Saturday, August 29th, 2020, when I admitted to myself, for the very first time, that I was a victim of sexual assault as a child.
Twenty-five years of complete denial that this ever happened, and suddenly all I could think of was the fact that my innocence was taken at the age of five. “Why now?” I wondered. “Why does it suddenly matter? Was I so resentful of my trauma that I denied its existence altogether?”
Between the ages of …
Why Belonging Is So Difficult for Survivors of Domestic Abuse
“Our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” ~Brené Brown
Sitting there watching The Greatest Showman, with tears pouring down my face, I asked myself why does this song, in fact this whole film, make me cry so much? Why does it evoke so much emotion in me?
“I am brave,
I am bruised,
I am who I’m meant to be.
This is ME.”
“Look out cos here I come,
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum,
I’m not scared to be seen,
I make no apologies.
This is ME.”
I …
How Our Parents Impact Us: The Childhood Wounds That Shape Our Lives
“The way we treat our children directly impacts what they believe about themselves.” ~Ariadne Brill
Growing up, I always felt odd. I often wondered what was wrong with me. I compared myself to my friends and always thought they had a better life than me. They had both parents still together, went on family vacations. It was not that I was jealous or bitter, it was just that they seemed to be ‘normal’ and happy. Whatever that means.
I never remember my parents being together. My parents divorced when I was two. I lived with my mother and older …
Dear Mom and Dad, Thank You for the Years of Trauma
“When you finally learn that a person’s behavior has more to do with their own internal struggle than you, you learn grace.” ~Allison Aars
I’m writing this to say thank you for the trauma you caused me since I was born. You might be thinking that I’m being sarcastic, but that’s far from the truth.
Let me explain why I have such gratitude for the pain and trauma you created in my life. Also, please understand that I forgive you.
Dad, I want to start with you because you’re no longer living. I know you’re now able to see the …
When a Mother Fails to Love: What’s Helped Me Move On
“You keep meeting the same person in different bodies until you learn the lesson.” ~Brandon Tarot
Like most girls in junior high school, I tried out for all the cheerleading squads every time tryouts came around—basketball, football, even wrestling. And like 95% of the girls, I never made the squad.
My kicks weren’t high enough, my splits weren’t split enough, my arms weren’t board-straight enough, I couldn’t jump high enough—and, let’s be real here: I wasn’t pretty enough and I wasn’t popular enough. After all, we are talking about junior high school.
But eventually, the one tryout came around that …
Ending My Toxic Relationship with My Mother Was an Act of Self-Love
“It’s okay to let go of those who couldn’t love you. Those who didn’t know how to. Those who failed to even try. It’s okay to outgrow them, because that means you filled the empty space in you with self-love instead. You’re outgrowing them because you’re growing into you. And that’s more than okay, that’s something to celebrate.” ~Angelica Moone
I was taught to love my family and to just accept the love they give. With the passage of time and the dawning of maturity, I began to doubt this kind of unquestioning love. The chronic emotional and mental stress …
Why I Felt Broken and Unworthy of Love and What Changed Everything
“How people treat other people is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves.” ~Paulo Coelho
He used to tell me no one else would love me because I’m damaged goods.
And I believed him.
Because I received messages for most of my life that there was something wrong with me.
I wasn’t good enough. Too sensitive. Too weak. Too sickly. Too different.
I realize now those messages were passed on to me by concerned parents who saw in me parts of themselves they didn’t fully accept.
And those messages were from parents whose own parents had used criticism …
Breaking the Toxic Cycle: My Family Dysfunction Stops with Me
TRIGGER WARNING: This post references physical abuse and may be triggering to some people.
“Forgive yourself for not knowing better at the time. Forgive yourself for giving away your power. Forgive yourself for past behaviors. Forgive yourself for the survival patterns and traits you picked up while enduring trauma. Forgive yourself for being who you needed to be.” ~Audrey Kitching
I will never forget, when I was twelve years old, I went to sit on my father’s lap and he told me, “No! You’re too heavy to sit on my lap!” What does an adolescent girl do with a comment …
Who Are You Protecting? Why Telling Your Story Is Powerful
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ~Maya Angelou
Throughout my childhood experiences I did what every child does and rejected parts of myself. It makes sense because kids depend on adults for survival, so I was in no position to reject my parents. But as an adult I feel it is now my job to reclaim those parts of myself.
While I had two parents that loved me and what I’d describe as a normal childhood, nonetheless I became hyper-attuned to others, over-sensitive to criticism, and a perfectionist, particularly under stress. It led to …
How I’m Healing from Codependency After Growing Up with an Alcoholic Parent
“The only person you can now or ever change is yourself. The only person that it is your business to control is yourself.” ~Melody Beattie
In 2019, I decided to leave my marriage and start over. Although my relationship with my ex-husband brought deep pain and many months of suffering, I felt content with my decision.
In a short time, I began to feel great. I developed a healthy routine, exercised regularly, began meditating every day, spent time in nature, maintained healthy and deep connections with people, and tried to focus on the positive.
For a few months, it …
