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Posts tagged with “people-pleasing”

How My Dad’s Advice to Let Someone Else Shine Created My Fear of Success

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“Sometimes what you’re most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.” ~Robert Tew

Everyone has fears. It is not an emotion that is only for a chosen few. One’s fear may seem irrational to the outside world, but I guarantee to that person it is debilitating. So much so, that it shapes their perspective and how they see the world. My fear is of success.

I know what you’re thinking. “That doesn’t make sense at all. Who doesn’t want to be successful?” Well, let me explain what I mean.

You see, I am an …

Why Belonging Is So Difficult for Survivors of Domestic Abuse

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“Our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” ~Brené Brown

Sitting there watching The Greatest Showman, with tears pouring down my face, I asked myself why does this song, in fact this whole film, make me cry so much? Why does it evoke so much emotion in me?

“I am brave,

I am bruised,

I am who I’m meant to be.

This is ME.”

“Look out cos here I come,

And I’m marching on to the beat I drum,

I’m not scared to be seen,

I make no apologies.

This is ME.”

I …

How I’ve Stopped Attracting One-Sided Relationships That Leave Me Feeling Empty

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“Curiosity will save your soul.” ~Danielle LaPorte

When I was a young girl, about age five, my mother volunteered weekly at a nursing home. Because she was a stay-at-home mom, I was required to tag along with her.

While she would wheel all the residents into the front room and sing prayers and read devotionals, I simply couldn’t sit still for 2.5 seconds. I was a busy girl with an agenda. I had people to see and things to do.

Weekly, I would pop in and out of residents’ rooms while my mom banged on the piano down the hall. …

3 Reasons Why It’s Hard to Set Boundaries and What to Do About It

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“Care what other people think, and you will forever be their prisoner.” ~Lao Tzu

I love this quote because it is such truth. But I also recognize the difficulty and the uncomfortable feelings that arise when working toward living this quote.

There’s a reason why it feels so hard to set healthy boundaries, and that is what this article is going to show you.

Discovery #1: Understanding our hard wiring

Our minds were not created to care about healthy boundaries. Say what? Let me explain.

From the beginning of time, we humans were hard wired for connection. We are …

How I Stopped Worrying All the Time and Started Feeling Good About Life

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“We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are.” ~Anais Nin

When I was young, I used to stare out into the big, blue sky and ask, “Is this really the right place?” “Did they drop me off on the wrong planet?” I wondered.

It felt like I didn’t fit in or belong. Things seemed so much easier for others. They moved forward with ease even when something was painful, while I felt an arrow pierce my heart every time a loved one was in pain, or a difficult situation arose.

When I looked around, I …

5 Tips to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other People

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“No matter what you do, someone won’t be pleased. Someone will think your choices are wrong. And someone will tell you what you should do instead. No matter which path you take, someone will seem to be doing better. Someone will have more than you. And someone else’s life may look more impressive on paper. If you’re being true to yourself, none of that will matter because you’ll have something more satisfying than approval and the illusion of “success”: a life that feels right for you, based on your own wants, needs, values, and priorities.” ~Lori Deschene

Have you ever …

Why We Need to Put Ourselves First and Prioritize Our Own Happiness

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“Putting yourself first is not selfish. Quite the opposite. You must put your happiness and health first before you can be of use to anyone else.” ~Simon Sinek

If you’re someone who cares deeply for the people in your life, you may want to do anything you can for them. This devotion isn’t always reciprocated. Not to say we should only think of things in a transactional nature, but sometimes we can selflessly give ourselves away to people who are careless with our own needs.

It often leaves us feeling like we’re being taken advantage of.

It often leaves …

3 Questions Every People-Pleaser Should Ask Before Making a Decision

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“The one thing you learn is when you can step out of your comfort zone and be uncomfortable, you see what you’re made of and who you are.” ~Sue Bird

I am a recovering people-pleaser.

I grew up in a hardworking, blue-collar house, nestled in a humble, rural, blue-collar town. I was instructed, both consciously and unconsciously, on how to fit in and play my part.

My entire decision-making process revolved around what I was supposed to do, how my actions made others feel, and the impact I would have on the status-quo. I became a teacher because that …

How I’m Healing from Codependency After Growing Up with an Alcoholic Parent

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“The only person you can now or ever change is yourself. The only person that it is your business to control is yourself.” ~Melody Beattie

In 2019, I decided to leave my marriage and start over. Although my relationship with my ex-husband brought deep pain and many months of suffering, I felt content with my decision.

In a short time, I began to feel great. I developed a healthy routine, exercised regularly, began meditating every day, spent time in nature, maintained healthy and deep connections with people, and tried to focus on the positive.

For a few months, it …

Why I Couldn’t Find Love and What Helped Me (That Might Help You Too)

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“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start from where you are and change the end.” ~C.S. Lewis 

It was a dark January day in 2008 when my auntie called with the news “He did it.”

I felt so confused. “Did he try? Or did he succeed?” I asked as my body moved into shock.

“He succeeded,” she said. And in that moment my whole life changed.

This was a moment I often wished for—my dad was gone.

Dad had taken his life on January 8th, 2008, two days after my twenty-sixth birthday. He …

How Beating Cancer Helped Me Stop Being a People-Pleaser

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“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chadron

The hardest part of hearing the words, “I’m sorry, but you have cancer” at the age of thirty was knowing I had to tell my mother and my husband.

Why?

Not because I was afraid of their reaction, although it would be especially heightened since my father had died of cancer three years prior, but because I was going to take on a role I had never experienced before: a patient.

For me, being a patient equaled being dependent. Someone who was needy and …

Why Rest is the Ultimate Protective Gear in a Busy, Chaotic World

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“The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.” ~Sydney J. Harris

No matter what airline you fly, there are safety instructions at the start of every flight that the flight crew goes over with everyone on the plane.

The important ones are also listed out on a card or brochure located in the seat back pocket in front of you. Besides letting you know where the exits are, there is always some version of the following statement: “In the event of a change in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will automatically drop from the ceiling. Put your …

Afraid of What People Think? Free Yourself by Realizing How Unimportant You Are

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“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

It’s natural to think that we’re always in the spotlight.

We think that people care about the way we dress, but they don’t.

We think that people notice our nervous habits, when in reality, they’re worried about whether people are noticing their own.

We tend to go through life as if our every move is being watched, judged, and evaluated on a moment-to-moment basis by the people around us. Here’s a reality check—you’re not that important.

I don’t mean that …

Why It’s Not Your Fault You’re in a Toxic Relationship

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I remember the first time it dawned on me that I was in an unhealthy relationship. Not just one that was difficult and annoying but one that could actually be described as “toxic.”

It was at a training event for a sexual abuse charity I worked for. I immediately felt like a fraud!

How could I be working there, helping other women get out of their unhealthy relationships and process their pain and trauma, but not realize how unhealthy my own relationship was?

How did I not know?

Typically, as I had always done, I beat myself up over …

How to Trust Yourself After the Trauma of Being Dismissed and Invalidated

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“Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become.” ~Steve Jobs

I was a sensitive child growing up, and I felt everything deeply. Unfortunately, my childhood home was dominated by chronic tension, fear, and anger—not an ideal environment for anyone, let alone a perceptive and empathic child.

My father was rather authoritative and controlling, and he disciplined us harshly. I was raised to obey without questioning and punished for mistakes or not falling in line.

Love was only assumed but never shared, and so I grew up feeling alone, unsupported, …

What No One Tells You About Setting Boundaries: The Good, Bad, and Ugly

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“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ~Rumi

Three years back was the first time I dared to set a boundary and be assertive in a friendship, and guess what? She blocked me on her phone, and we stopped being friends.

It came as a rude shock because I was quite invested in the friendship. Not only did we have good times together, but I had helped her search for and find a job and even babysat her kid for a long while free of charge. I …

How I Stopped Putting Everyone Else’s Needs Above My Own

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“Never feel sorry for choosing yourself.” ~Unknown

I was eleven years old, possibly twelve, the day I first discovered my mother’s betrayal. I assume she didn’t hear me when I walked in the door after school. The distant voices in the finished basement room of our home drew me in. My mother’s voice was soft as she spoke to her friend. What was she hiding that she didn’t want me to hear?

I leaned in a little bit closer to the opening of the stairs… She was talking about a man she’d met. Her voice changed when she spoke of …

How I Developed Self-Worth After Being Sexually Harassed and Fired

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“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” ~Unknown

In my early twenties, I was a food and beverage manager at a nice hotel in Portland, Maine. About a month after I started working there, they hired our department director, a man twice my age whom I would report to.

At the end of his first week, we went out for a “get to know each other” drink at a loud and busy bar. As we drank and chatted, he was physically very close to me. I told myself it was because of the noise.

His …

I Was Addicted to Helping People – Here’s Why It Made Me Miserable

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“As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.” ~Maya Angelou

Growing up in Africa, I was told that the virtue and worth of a woman lies in her ability to take care of everyone around her; that a woman was considered good or worthy when everyone around her was happy and pleased with her. I took this advice to heart, especially since I watched my mother meet this standard to a T. Putting everyone else, including strangers, above herself.

Most of the Things We Learn as Kids

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Surviving a Dysfunctional Relationship: What I Wish I Knew and Did Sooner

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“No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow.” ~Alice Walker

When I was a child and in my early teenage years, I was a free bird. I laughed easily, loved life, never worried, and dreamed big. I thought the best of others, the glass was always full. I never dreamed others would hurt me, and I had a joyful and playful attitude toward life.

That was a long time ago.

My breakdown started gradually and slowly with judgments from a very close and trusted family member I dare not name. This person, though …