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Posts tagged with “relationships”

Being Shy Made Me Strong, and It Can Do the Same for You

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“Never assume that loud is strong and quiet is weak.” ~Unknown

This quote seems counterintuitive, right?

For many years, I, too, scoffed at the idea.

Having dealt with crippling shyness throughout my life, I know firsthand what it’s like to feel weak, powerless, and trapped because of it.

As a child, I remember clinging to my mom’s leg and using her body to hide from strangers. Then, as I got older, this shy behavior manifested into a fear of speaking my mind, interacting with others, putting myself out there, and so on and so forth.

My quiet and timid nature …

The Power of Saying No (Even to People You Love)

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“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” ~Paulo Coelho

“Yes, of course.”

“Yes, that’s no trouble at all.”

“Yes, I can do that.”

“Yes, I’d love to help.”

Yes, yes, yes. “Yes” seemed to be the key word in my relationships with partners, family, friends, and colleagues.

I wanted to be helpful, kind, and thoughtful; I wanted to be there when people needed me. I didn’t want to let them down or disappoint or displease them. I spent a lot of my time devoted to my self-image as a capable, nice …

Confrontation Can Be Hard, But It’s Worth It

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“When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.” ~Fred Rogers

I was immediately uncomfortable when the older gentleman rode up on his bike and loudly told us that our kids shouldn’t be riding their bikes on the velodrome; it was against the rules.

If it had been just me and my daughter, I would have said no problem and left the area, maybe even apologized. But I wasn’t alone, I was with my friend and her son, and my friend doesn’t back down from confrontation like I do.

Instead of saying okay …

10 Ways to Give the Gift of Your Presence (The Best Gift You Can Give)

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A couple weeks back I shared a quote on Facebook that really spoke to me:

“A child is going to remember who was there, not what you spent on them. Kids outgrow toys and outfits, but they never outgrow time and love.”

I love this quote because it puts things in perspective, and it’s true not only for kids but for all of us. Sure, shiny things are nice and appreciated, but what we all really want is love, and time with the people who mean most to us.

For those of us who are fortunate, the holidays are all …

13 Insights About Relationships That Could Save You A Lot of Pain

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“It’s amazing how quickly someone can become a stranger; it’s even more amazing how quickly someone can become a treasured friend.” ~Unknown

The past six months have been unbelievably difficult for me.

My “normal” life turned upside down and inside out, as my beautiful daughter continues to fight a complex pain condition, which took us all by surprise one bright and sunny Monday afternoon. And literally, in a single heartbeat, just like that, instead of a regular routine day of school, work and afternoon activities, our time was consumed with juggling doctors, hospitals, tests, and specialists—all of us fully devoted …

How I Stopped Feeling Guilty About Doing What’s Best for Me

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“A good rule of thumb is that any environment that consistently leaves you feeling bad about who you are is the wrong environment.” ~Laurie Helgoe

Do you ever worry that if you fulfill your needs you will disappoint others? Do you ever feel guilty for doing what’s best for you?

For years, I felt guilty about taking time for myself. I thought that being alone, away from the rest of the world, meant being selfish. This was especially true in one toxic relationship that kept dragging me down because I was afraid to make a change. As a peaceful, …

How I Learned to Trust Others by Learning to Trust Myself

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“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.” ~Frank Crane

I’ve had trust issues for as long as I can remember, but didn’t realize it until after my divorce.

Divorce can be a traumatic experience, and in this case, it made me begin to take stock of my life. I began to reflect on my failed romantic relationships and why this was a repeat pattern for me.

I realized then that I never let people in for fear they will let me down, belittle or make me feel …

Why I Can’t Always Be the “Strong One” and What I Do Now Instead

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“She was strong and weak and brave and broken… all at the same time.” ~Unknown

My mom was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder when I was seven years old. It’s a chronic condition that doctors say can be managed but not cured. The symptoms included manic high energy, depression, delusions, hearing voices, reduced need for sleep, and loss of touch with reality.

There were many times of stability for her, when she was on the right medication, taking it routinely, and attending regular psychotherapy. But if any of these elements were missing, those moments were often short-lived.

She was the …

The Difference Between Love, Lust, and Attachment: Why We Have It All Wrong

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“Try not to confuse attachment with love. Attachment is about fear and dependency and has more to do with love of self than love of another.” ~Yasmin Mogahed

The feelings we get when meeting someone new are hard to understand at times. We have biopsychosocial and even spiritual responses and interactions with people we come into contact with.

We’ve all met someone and felt like we just want to be around them. They make us nervous (butterflies), we can’t think straight, we’re self-conscious, we just feel an overwhelming… pull toward them.

I have (like many before me) spent my life …

What Heartbreak Taught Me About Creating My Own Happiness

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“We accept the love we think we deserve.” ~Stephen Chbosky

A few years ago I was completely heartbroken, and I thought I would never find love. I’d gone through a string of painful breakups over a number of years, but I thought I’d finally met someone I could be with for the long haul. I’d been dating this guy for a few months, and everything seemed to be going smoothly, until one day he stopped calling. Just like that, he disappeared from my life. It was as if we had never met.

What was worse, he didn’t tell me why …

Why No One Else Can Make Me Feel Insignificant

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“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Significance.

A phenomenon most of us only notice once we lose it.

If you’re like me, you’ve had (and could still have) a love/hate relationship with significance. Simply because it often seemed so elusive. Just out of reach.

Our journey together started as far back as I can remember.

As the youngest of three siblings, I often felt unheard. Overlooked. Ignored. Insignificant.

I thought it was normal. Didn’t all little sisters bear the same cross? Apparently not…

As a young adult, I looked to my friends to …

The Top 7 Reasons We Stay in Bad Relationships

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“Some of us think that holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” ~Hermann Hesse

She knew it sooner than I did. And more intensely than I did.

I, on the other hand, may have considered our differences but never thought of them as deal-breakers. I tried to justify the many struggles we had between us and believed that our marriage could work despite the challenges.

I had this feeling things would get better and stayed hopeful no matter how bad our relationship got.

I told myself that her extraverted personality and my more introversion could …

The Past May Have Shaped Us, But We Have the Power to Change

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“If you want to fly, you have to give up the things that weigh you down.” ~Toni Morrison

Our very first relationship is the one we develop with ourselves. However, even that one is shaped by outside forces.

You may or may not believe that we choose our family. Regardless of your position regarding how your soul made it to your parents’ household, the truth is that the environment we are born into determines a great deal of the rest of our lives. This is especially true about the way we relate with ourselves and others.

We learn by observing …

What Annoys Us About Others Can Teach Us About Ourselves

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“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ~Carl Jung

When my wife and I had children, little did we know that we’d be creating little bundles of nerves. Between my wife’s depression and my own anxiety, we created two anxiety-ridden, depressed balls of mess, and then some.

Don’t get me wrong, we love our two girls to death, and we are very proud of them. They are both very strong and beautiful young ladies. Occasionally we like hanging out with them too.

While the two girls have similar interests, their personalities couldn’t be …

What to Do When You Want to Feel Closer to Your Partner

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“By letting our deep longing for love and connectedness be exposed…[we are] opening up the channel through which love can enter.” ~John Welwood

When we feel disconnected from our romantic partner what we often want most is to genuinely feel their love again, to feel connected. And yet, it can be so difficult to simply share that longing.

So instead of explaining or asking for what we want in a loving way, we complain about what is wrong, about how our partner isn’t showing up for us. Or we simply withdraw.

This is especially true for sensitive souls like …

The 10 Most Important Things We Can Do for the People We Love

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People. Life is all about people.

We don’t have to have a ton of relationships, but we all need people in our lives who get us. Who’ve seen our freak flag countless times and love when it comes out.

People who tag us on memes that capture our spirit, or Tasty videos they know we’d drool over. People who text us with random pictures of bumper stickers or book covers or bath mats or beard accessories with a note that reads “Saw this and thought of you.”

We all need these kind of close connections to feel a sense of …

Why Anger Isn’t “Bad” and How I Learned to Hear Its Hidden Message

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“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.” ~Maya Angelou

I’ve always had a complex relationship with anger.

When I was young, I used to think I was somehow above anger. I would brag to people that I never got mad. Sure, I’d admit, I hated some people, but at least I wasn’t angry.

When I began therapy in my mid-twenties to deal with persistent depression and panic attacks, I started to see the feebleness of that particular story. I did get angry, it turned out, quite …

Highs and Lows Are Part of Growth and It All Makes Us Stronger

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“Just like a muscle needs to tear to grow stronger, sometimes we need to wade into our own darkness to find a brighter light.” ~Lori Deschene

Sometimes we need to journey into the deepest, darkest, scariest, most painful places inside in order to reach the next level.

This is what happened to me earlier this year.

When I was younger, I was in an abusive relationship that created a lot of stories in my head. These stories became beliefs that I carried around for a long time. Beliefs like, “I’m not good enough,” “Relationships are painful,” “I don’t …

friends in the fall

Don’t Lose Sight of the Big Picture: Spend Time with People You Truly Enjoy

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“Even if you are on the right track you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” ~Will Rogers

 How is this happening again?

Lying in bed watching The Mentalist at 8 P.M. on a Saturday night, my mind begins to wander.

A year ago I was so happy. I spent almost every night hanging out with amazing friends and now I’m here, alone watching TV.

As my heart sank into my stomach, I shook my head, suppressed my feelings, and pushed play to start the next episode.

A few years earlier I moved to Santa Fe, NM, a state …

Self-Love Means Never Saying “You Complete Me”

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“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

A popular topic in the glossy magazines, learning to “love yourself” always seemed to me to be a self-indulgent first-world pastime.

It seemed obvious that the commonly-repeated mantra “love yourself first” was just a sign of the times in a world where something like half of all marriages end in divorce. …