Dear Risha:

Before you make the significant move of leaving your job and country, why don’t you communicate with him just one more time and tell him that you do not forgive him, that he betrayed you and it is not your job to make him feel okay about it.

You can also add that saying words is easy, takes a few seconds (“I will always be in his heart.. blah blah blah”) and therefore their value is just that, the few seconds it took to say these words.

Then tell him that there will be no further communication between the two of you.

anita

Dear Risha:

I didn’t know you were very clear with him, “clearly told him not to try to reach me ever again and not to cross my path”. So basically, he is disrespecting your assertion by sending you an email after that clear communication on your part. He is not listening to you, not respecting what you want and what you have the right to demand.

Is there a way for you to  involve superiors in your workplace to take him into a meeting and make it very clear to him to not communicate with you in any way, shape or form?

Clearly, he needs someone who he does respect to tell him to stop contacting him. (In the U.S there is such a thing as a legal restraining order, a court order, aimed at stopping one person from communicating with another).

anita

Dear Risha:

You wrote: “He wants to start his new life with a peace of mind and with my blessings”. You also wrote: “I was a fool and gave him all what I had with open arms”. Well, you don’t have to be a fool anymore, and you don’t have to give him your blessings.

You wrote: “it took me 7 years to understand the real picture of him”. I wanted to look at the real picture of him myself, so I looked at page 1 of your thread. When you explained to him seven years ago or so, that his mother called you strongly disapproving of the relationship, he “didn’t let me go. He’s too sensitive and he told me that he would do something to himself if I leave him”.

Later, when you suggested to him that he marries you, he said “if anything happens to his mother since she’s too sensitive even he will not live”.

Maybe his mother is not too sensitive and neither is he. He dishonestly manipulated you by threatening that he will die if you leave him (first incident) and that his mother will die and then he will die (second incident). I think it wasn’t that he was too sensitive, but that he wanted what he wanted and said what he had to say to get what he wanted, which was at first you without marriage. Later he said what he needed to say so that you marry someone else. And most recently he said what he needed to say so that he can proceed and marry another woman with your blessing.

You wrote: “In my entire relationship he never let me associate with anybody at work. I was not allowed to talk to any boys if I do he use to accuse me a lot and then say he was trying to protect me… so I don’t mingle with anyone much. even at work he was the only person I associate with”-

I don’t think he was trying to protect you. I think he was trying to protect his self interest, wanting to possess you, but not in marriage. Yesterday you wrote about the past: “I can’t talk, smile or move with anyone at all he fights me uses abusive words.. I tolerated him so much because I loved him and I thought he was so protective towards me”-

You misunderstood his behavior as being protective toward you while in reality he was protective of his self interest in having you for himself, but not in marriage.

Later, “during the past few months he told me to find someone else and marry until I get married he too can’t get settled in life.. he keeps pressurizing me to get married to someone soon” –

After he already looked for another woman, since April, found one, looked for and received his parents’ approval, then he was no longer possessive of you, and pressured you to marry another man.

He told you he won’t “settle in life” before you get married, but he was at the time preparing to be settled and proceeding to settle/ get married without you getting married first.

One more thing, you wrote: “plenty of times where I hurt him by blocking him and ignoring his calls and messages but no matter what I do he tries to somehow reach me but this year April.. I shut him off entirely and he couldn’t contact me anyway”-

He is used to you ending contact with him, blocking him and then renewing contact with him. No wonder he is not respecting your current assertion to end contact and your current blocking him.

My thoughts this morning: be wise, no longer a fool (“I was a fool”). Don’t give him your blessing or your forgiveness, do not be submissive to him still, giving him all that you have and more, all that he wants (“I.. gave him all what I had with open arms”). Do not tolerate his abusive language as you did before. Don’t believe what he tells you to be the truth. See him as one motivated by his self interest, not your well being. See reality as it is.

Then, stop blocking him and unblocking him, asserting ending contact and then allowing contact. Stay true to your own word, your word to him and to everyone else.

You live with your mother, all your four siblings live overseas. You have little to no social life at work and outside work, as I understand it to be. You can choose to stay in Sri Lanka, continue your employment there, if you enjoy it and it is a great benefit to you, if you like living in your country. Or you can choose to proceed with the plan you mentioned, to send your mother to live with one of your siblings, and then move overseas yourself.

You can choose to look for a healthy, loving relationship with a man in your country, or overseas, choose to seek marriage, or not. If your age is less of a problem overseas, and since you look much younger (when not heartbroken), maybe you can have a healthy, loving relationship with a decent man overseas, after you settle there a bit.

You have choices to make. But first, see him the way he is, see you the way you are (no longer a fool), look at and see reality the way it is, and then choose.

anita

Dear Risha:

I read just a few words from your recent post because I am in a hurry. You are welcome and thank you for the appreciation and the hugs! I will be back in about sixteen hours to read and reply to you, Take good care of yourself!

anita

Hugs Risha,

Even though you are very sad and hurting right now,  I am so glad you are not with him (or his parents).  One day,  likely sooner than you think,  you will count your blessings tto be rid of him.   Now you can look forward to meeting somebody worthy of you.

He is a Baby Man,  still tied to his mothers apron strings.  I pity this girl who is with him.   He will treat her the same as he has treated you,  and it will be harder for her to be rid of him.

There is a better future ahead for you.