MissUnderstood,

Did he tell you why he took her home?  Would those be the same reasons on why he will cheat again? If so then how can he guarantee that he won’t do it again?

I remember a story of a wife who told her husband that the next time he cheated that he would have to give up his most prized possession.  This way he would think twice before considering doing it again.  I think it was his boat.  You might come to an agreement with that in mind.

Mark

I am sorry for your pain Claudia.

My rule-of-thumb is to never be involved with someone who is in relationship, separated or just out of a long term relationship. They need to process, heal and learn to be on their own in order to be emotionally available for a relationship… period. I don’t care what they say how they were totally “done” with their relationship. I don’t trust their perception of themselves.

Good for you for bettering yourself. You cannot lose for doing that for yourself. Keep focusing on yourself for that is what you need to do regardless of who you have in your life.

He’s moved on. Time for you to move on.
Mark

Heartbroken Man,

I can only guess as a good approach in how to get back together with her.

What I would do is to write a hand written letter (2 pages maximum) on what you have learned and changed about yourself.   Tell her about those little lies and the other things you have mentioned here.

Then end it telling her that you will leave her alone (all those messages you sent her is excessive, extreme, and needy) but would like to leave the door open to start over again based on what you have owned up about yourself.  Say that if she wishes to try again then contact you but you promise never to contact her again.

Then truly leave her alone and move on.  Use that time to work on yourself, to be a better person, to heal.

Mark

Heartbroken Man,

I am sorry for such a heart break.  Buddhism talks about being attached causes suffering (see the Four Noble Truths).  You are experiencing this attachment pain.  Buddhism has a “prescription” on how to deal with this universal cause of suffering.  There are plenty of resources to learn more.

When you are able, I suggest you look at your role in this breakup.  Examine what things you can and want to change for yourself and for the next partner.  You said you did “a lot of things wrong” in that relationship.  Write them down.  What things were because of you and what things were because you two are not a match.

What is the reason why she did not trust you?  Did you lie?  Were you not authentic, i.e. saying things that are out of alignment of who you are and what  you believed in?  Did you not keep your agreements?  Why do you think people think that this relationship was unhealthy for her?

Those are places to examine for yourself.  You need to start with yourself first in order to have any sort of healthy relationship

You can look at this as an opportunity.  This woman is giving you a gift.  You can examine yourself and become more self aware.  You can learn from this.

Mark

koko vega,

Change is a pretty big and generic term.  You have not specified what changes you feel that you have to make or what is being demanded of you by your partner.

Regardless, the point is that you are feeling on the short end of the stick, that the relationship is not balanced or fair.  Are you two seeing a counselor about this?  Is this something you two can talk about?

The bigger issue is how you and he can accept and support each other.

Mark

Kay,

How old are you?  You say that you are missing your ex more often.  Is this the same ex that is going to trial for domestic abuse against you?

You want to move past this but I suspect until the trial is over with then you cannot move past this anger, resentment, and pain.

I wonder what your therapist is advising?

Mark

Joshua,

Good for you for working on yourself and reaching out for help.

1. Embracing what you are feeling rather than trying to push them away or distract yourself from them is healthy.  Continue to honor what you are feeling.  The more you sit with them, the faster you will be able to move through them.  Healing comes from that.

2. Sitting with what you are feeling (see #1) even if it is loneliness is ultimately good for you.  Journaling is good way to process things and to reflect on your life.

Mark

MariTapatia,

I don’t believe any of us can protect our hearts and truly live a full, heart-centered life.  I do believe that we can be cautious and discerning with people whom we have knowledge about their past behavior.

I would not discount being “just friends” for that can be more meaningful and deeper than lovers.

You say you have deep feelings for him.  You say it is not “love” and not a “deep regard” either.  I would put aside labels and practice being authentic along with honoring your heart and head.

What would change if you two became more than friends?  You two would be sexual?  Anything else that would change?

You are expressing fear for continuing to deepen your friendship/relationship because it may end up going “nowhere.”  I say that your relationship is not nowhere.  Even if you did not become lovers/romantic partners, you already experienced a wonderful friendship.

Make sense?
Mark