Hi Ali,

Long distance relationships are difficult. Don’t be surprised if you experience The Great Turkey Dump. Thanksgiving is the classic time when college students reevaluate their long distance relationships. My son went through this. He literally had no time for the girl and she was taking it personally.

In the meantime, stop texting him altogether. Tell him that if he wants to reach you, he needs to give you intentional attention (no putting you on hold, stopping it short, etc.). In the meantime (for the rest of the month) casually let HIM contact YOU knowing those clear instructions. Don’t you contact him for a while. You’re teaching him how to treat you.

And to answer your question, no, you’re not toxic!

Best,

Inky

Hi Charly,

YOU move. While he’s at work (or out for a long time) quietly and quickly move your clothes, computer and papers so when he comes home all he’ll see are empty closets. Big ticket items like furniture, appliances and wall art leave if need be. He will either destroy them or move out himself when the lease is up. Have NO way for him to contact you. Have your landlord tell you when he has truly moved out so you can get any remaining things he does not take with him. The giving up of the stuff is The Guilt Ransom you can pay. But you are now in a Hostage Situation. Leave.

Best,

Inky

Hi Meg678,

There will always be noises! I suggest calming classical music, soothing substances (i.e. chamomile tea, drugs, melatonin) and a Comfort Blanket.

Comfort Blankets you can find online or even in some Bed and Bath stores. They are weighted blankets that help with anxiety.

Tapestries and rugs are good too. Anything that muffles sound. Noise cancelling headphones.

And this sounds counterintuitive: Can you befriend the neighbors and…”accidentally” crash on their couch? Maybe if you associate that room with a good nights sleep you will “own” it in your mind?

Best,

Inky

Hi Kat,

It sounds like your family is Pre-Grieving the immanent death of your grandmother. So your mother has no time or bandwidth to emotionally or physically take care of you. Thus the getting your life together comment. What, does she expect you to be married with a career by now? For everything to be “fine”?

It also looks like you had quite a few missed connections in Spain. Keep in mind that people romanticize the past! Was it really your spiritual home? Or was it the bittersweet emotions of all those guys? Be honest with yourself.

Don’t be surprised to find that after you meet those qualifications you will have outgrown Spain.

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer.

This reminds me of me and Vermont! Oh, Vermont! Oh, driving all that way from Maine to see my first love who was so not worthy of me! Now it’s merely a great place to ski. (Some winters.)

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Inky.

Hi Peck,

Wow, she must think her mate value is way above yours for her to make so many off handed comments. After twenty years she is that secure that you would never leave, eh?

Buy some new expensive clothes and shoes. Read GQ. Read Men’s Health. Wear Aviator sunglasses. Go to the gym. Train for a run a marathon. Eat Keto. Put cologne on every morning. Make that New Years Resolution TODAY.

She will think that you’ve met somebody. Of course, swear up and down that you haven’t, but keep the reason for your sudden upgrade vague. Mention every other month or so that another person at the gym wondered if you were that celebrity (or another!!) from afar or from the back. “Which person?” “Oh some girl in my spin class.”

I PROMISE you that you will suddenly (!!) be deemed attractive.

My favorite love anecdote is when a woman was asked if her partner was attractive she paused, thought about it, and said, “I don’t know!!”

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Inky.

Hi faber castell,

Well, meeting people for the first time would give anyone anxiety LOL.

I say if you’re unsure, let the other person make the suggestion whether to meet again.

Then after the third date if you’re not feeling it, then dump them. It doesn’t matter how polite and nice they are.

And obviously if they are rude, gross, off, etc. get rid of them.

If you’re talking about people you’ve known a while… I would suggest thinking about people you KNOW you ALREADY like rather than wondering if random guys will fill that relationship role.

Best,

Inky

Hi Vesper,

This is a classic dynamic as old as time. Guy and girl become friends. Guys and girl get so close one of two things will happen: They will either become Lovers or Siblings. You have been virtual siblings for so many years. He is your obvious mate, but you wouldn’t sleep with your brother, would you? And yet, he’s not your brother!

He is feeling exactly the same way. You two fight because since you can’t make passionate love, the passion comes out through fights!

Confess your feelings, one of you! Of course, the relationship will never be the same, but something different WOULD be preferable at this point.

Good Luck!

Inky

Hi Grenada,

Good for you!!

The last time I decided to go off social media, I checked it “one last time”. Well, that was how I found out my friend’s son died as it was happening!!! If it weren’t for FB, I wouldn’t have been there for her for perhaps days later!! So, to me, social media is a necessary evil.

I’m a lurker. I don’t post a lot, but am still in the know.

The good news though, is people are using FB less and less. Soon people will be using, say, Instagram less and less. The problem will really take care of itself if you do nothing. They’ll move on to the next big thing.

If you do go off social media, you will be confronted. Just say, “Oh, I’m not really on FB/Instagram/whatever anymore”.

As for that person, you can Hide him/her maybe?

Just Being Honest and Wish I Could Do It,

Inky