Dear Henry Alec McLoud,

Life is actually many shades of grey, filled with subtle, ever changing colors! How do you view words that by definition are opposites of itself? For example, “Bittersweet” and the phrase “Tough Love”. You have to get over that black and white thinking of yours and live in the nuanced world we actually live in! Yes, focus on yourself ~ first. Complete your school work and your chores. Then see where you are.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi Elisabeth,

In a normal person (and yes, you are normal!) the feeling of anger is a signal that something is wrong. And believe me, your father is wrong! I have written a couple of posts about my own emotionally absent narcissistic father if you want to go in my forum history here. I have gotten many amazing responses!

What I tell myself is this: “Wow. He missed out on so much.” Reframing the situation in this way has helped.

And also the decision (for me) to be the Good Daughter and visit him on or around his birthday and holidays.

He is such a narcissist I know he loves the attention, but it would never cross his mind (even randomly) to call me. Six visits/phone calls to him a year I can live with.

And guess what? All the other people who feed his narcissism? He doesn’t call them either. And they know it. If they dropped the rope you think he would contact them? Nope!

And lastly, I act as if I am beloved. I literally imagine God as my real father. I have a visualization where an angel hands my dad a letter written in gold saying that I am God’s child now and that dad gets to see me on certain days of the year. And that on other days he needs to get special permission to see me. My dad sputters in narcissistic rage but is too afraid of the angel to act on it.

Remember, we aren’t set aside, we’re set apart.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi Harleen Bajwa,

Is there anything you want to know?

Best,

Inky

Hi pussycatlover,

People like having sub-worlds where it’s like the other parts of their lives don’t exist for that one moment and place in time. The computer is perfect for this! So what you had WAS real ~ in the context of your website. If you met him IRL, what would that look like? He probably lives prohibitively far away, and I bet he’s fat, bald, old and/or unemployed ~ no matter what his profile pictures might “tell” you.

Let it go or accept it at face value for what it is. There is a name for what you two are. They call it “friends”.

Best,

Inky

Hi Rich,

If you wait until you are 100% before you start a relationship, you will never have a relationship LOL.

As for being black/Hispanic, there are plenty of attractive white women with black husbands. We have had quantum leaps in our society, even in the past decade, regarding inter-racial couples. On TV commercials and in movies I’m seeing more and more of it being portrayed. This is HUGE. When you are represented in the cultural narrative it is affirming and gives other people permission to be themselves.

Don’t be afraid to express interest in women you like. And if you find something in a woman you don’t like, that too is a blessing because it solidifies in your mind what you DO want.

Blessings to You,

Inky

• This reply was modified 7 years, 12 months ago by Inky.

Hi Heartbrokengurl,

I know this is hard, but don’t wish him happy birthday. If he brings it up, of course, say, “Happy birthday!” but don’t go out of your way. An ex is an ex for a reason. And an ex shouldn’t be a good friend in an active way. You don’t want to give him hope that you’ll get back together and you also don’t want to be a downer either. And yes, an ex contacting you on your birthday is a bummer.

Good Luck,

Inky

Poppyxo,

If you have a lot of people around you that love you, that’s a good sign. The good sign is that you appear to be naturally likable and that people are drawn to you. No need to go on dating sites or actively look for someone. I bet that someone will enter your life naturally. Just let it happen. No seeking, just receiving.

Best,

Inky

Hi Brayden,

I just thought of an additional meaning. Have you heard the term “Backseat Driver”? In the dream you were the one (the backseat driver) who told your dad to look at something, inadvertently causing a car crash.

So, IRL, your dad is metaphorically driving the FAMILY car. But IRL do you ever give your dad advice? What would happen if he followed it? Do you fear eventually being the head of the family? And yet don’t fully trust your dad to do the job? And is your mom in the symbolic passenger side and is just “along for the ride”?

Fascinating dream!

Inky