Dear Laven:

Again, I hope that you are feeling better, or soon will.

Having read your four posts in 3 threads, I am summarizing what you shared (with boldfaced quotes) in regard to your relationship with your close- proximity neighbor (from your house, you can see what is happening inside his house):

During the relationship, he expressed  to you that he thinks that you are “a nice person whose morals and virtues align with his, that he wants to eventually marry and start a family with“.

He wanted your company and hugs: “he’s always asking to spend more time with me…even if it’s a quick hug… We use to talk daily multiple times. Both initiated“.

But there was a pattern of disagreements and arguments between the two of you, with him apologizing after each disagreement: “When we would have disagreements sometimes, and would stop communicating for a few days.. due to differences of opinions… but he always ventured back to me often apologizing… when we got into disagreements and arguments, he was always apologizing profusely, telling me that he loved me and didn’t want to lose me. Begging me to stay. Ringing my phone a lot“.

He told you “that we never have to do anything that I don’t want to do. He’s never pressured me into having sex“. Sex happened twice in the relationship. The 1st time was six months ago, after which he ghosted you for 2 weeks, then apologized and “said that it was due to him feeling insecure and questioning his size, performance, and capabilities“, and he questioned you if you had been satisfied.

Following the reunion, there was no sexual activity for 5.5 months. At one point, you thought that you saw him with another woman, making out in his house, and he swore “that there are no other women“. But  during the visit before last with him, he told you that “he didn’t think it would work out between us and was pursuing other women on social media.. and was going to focus on that“.

Later on the same day (visit before last) he begged you “to forgive him and told me he was just saying that to make me jealous,  and to see if I was really interested and cared about him. That he felt uncared for by me. He said now that he knew how I felt, he wanted to make plans to spend the rest of our lives together.  That I was the only one for him“.

On the last visit you had with him, “we decided to have sex…and afterwards we talked a bit before him leaving. Before he left he swore he would call and see me the next day, told me he loved me.. and kissed me. I told him that we had to learn how to better communicate with one another, and not put  much space between us when there are disagreements…

“He agreed, and apologized profusely saying that he wouldn’t disappear anymore. That he often has trouble expressing his emotions. That he wouldn’t do that anymore. That he really loves and cares for me“, and that was the last communication you had with him.

“I feel like he fetishized me, and used me to experience someone from a different culture, country, and disabled.. who’s convenient and lonely. All the women he follows on social media (before I blocked him) are of the same culture as him, big boobs, in shape, feminine, nicely styled, head full of hair, nice clothes, nice teeth etc.… polar opposites of me. Maybe if I looked like them, and had an actual engaging life, he wouldn’t have dropped me“-

– I often feel better when I get a better understanding of situations that trouble me. Maybe a better understanding will help you to feel better..?

From what you shared, which I took a couple of hours to process this morning, it reads like he’s been sexually insecure, feeling sexually incompetent, and his interest in you from the very beginning and throughout the relationship was not sexual. So, I don’t see how you’d be a sexual fetish in his mind. I also don’t see how he’d be chasing “big boobs”, etc., when sex does not seem to be something he pursues..?

What I do see as the primary problem, possibly, is the pattern of disagreements and arguments between the two of you, followed by a cessation of communication, followed by him apologizing to you.

“when we got into disagreements and arguments, he was always apologizing profusely, telling me that he loved me and didn’t want to lose me. Begging me to stay. Ringing my phone a lot“- seems like following the disagreements and arguing, maybe you threatened to leave him, and that’s why he begged you to stay, ringing your phone a lot..?

anita

Dear Laven:

I will read and reply to you Sun morning. (It is Sat evening here). I am sorry that you feel badly and hope that soon, you feel better. Feelings change, and you wull feel better!

anita

April 6, 2024, Paradoxy to anita:  “I have a lot of patience and understanding, which you have still failed to realize despite how long we have been having this conversation. The very fact that I have not called you names is proof enough that you are wrong about assuming that I have uncontrolled anger and that I am verbally abusive. I argue because you are not getting the facts accurate… Look at the conversations that Tee and I have versus the conversations that you and I have, do you see the drastic difference between conversations with her versus you? Tee was able to understand the situation better than you could and show me exactly where the issues lie whereas you have not because you have not factored in the extra details that I stated to you in each of the arguments, such as the fact that my so-called verbal abuse only occurred after a fight has been going on for a LONG PERIOD OF TIME, which is evidence for how much patience I have, which also proves that this so-called verbal abuse is NOT something that happens all the time. Despite how much I appear to be arguing with Tee, it is more evident that I am learning more from the things she said compared to things you have said as she is able to understand the situation better than you. No disrespect but I don’t think I want a hug from someone who doesn’t even understand why they are even hugging. Paradoxy”.

anita to Paradoxy, April 6, 2024: reading the above makes me feel anxious, sad and angry, the many hours of my efforts to help you ending with your efforts to hurt me.

Nonetheless, I wish you healing and a life where you  get to Love and Be Loved in return. Goodbye.

anita

Dear Paradoxy:

“So basically, you are saying that I am indeed verbally abusive“- yes.

“But I want to understand, is it still verbally abusive if the things that are said are actually true?“- telling anyone that they are a “brick wall” is abusive no matter the IQ of the person. As a matter of fact, it is unintelligent of a person to call another dumb, a brick wall, etc., if one wants love and respect in return.

“Would calling her a brick wall be considered verbally abusive, when she is actually behaving like a brick wall by not listening to me“- she shouldn’t listen to anything you say for as long as what you say to her includes verbal abuse from time to time.

“Even you probably thought of me as a brick wall when I appeared to be too stubborn to listen to your advice even though I was listening to your advice“- I don’t think that you listened to my advice in this 5- page thread, not yet.

“I am more than willing to take responsibility for my mistake but at least be fair when judging me“- you didn’t yet take responsibility for verbally abusing her, you’ve spoken from both sides of your mouth in this regard: saying that you were abusive and then saying that if she is a brick wall, then calling her a brick wall is not abusive.

“Honestly Anita, how do you expect me to react when she sleeps with another man and then blames me for it? Like how? How would YOU react if your OWN PARTNER slept with another woman and then BLAMES YOU for it, saying that it is YOUR FAULT for making them feel abandoned, YOUR FAULT for making them sleep with another woman?“- if I called my partner names, dumb, a brick wall, etc., and repeatedly, if I was arrogant, dismissive and abusive to him, I wouldn’t expect him to be loyal to me.

“Please understand the amount of anger that I was feeling in this situation and other similar situations“- uncontrolled anger is behind much of interpersonal abuse and crime, crimes of passion, it’s called.

“I always speak the truth, even if it is the harsh truth… All I have been doing is pouring out love to her“- the second part of this quote is one of the times that you have taken an exception to speaking the truth.

“Some people just forget all the good things that someone has done when they do something bad one time“- this is an accusation some abusive people make on a regular basis, accusing the abused of paying too much/ disproportional attention to the abuse. It’s a false accusation.

Let’s look at what you shared back in March 2020, when you were 15, way before you knew that B existed in the world:

“I feel hollow inside…. I felt like a burden to others. But I never got angry… I created a pressurized vessel that I tried to blow on myself so I would die but it just injured my arm and I became known in my school as an expert in bombs… I have this weird pain in my chest that wouldn’t go away… My parents… have called me things in my main language which I cannot translate. Their insults made me so upset that sometimes I felt as if death was the only solution and they would only understand my value once I die. But for some reason, I kept forgiving and forgetting… There happened to be an incident where my neighbor threatened my parents that they would call social services since they saw how I was being treated… I love and care for my parents even if they mistreat me… I laugh when I see someone die in movies (especially gory deaths) while everyone else is horrified or sad. But I still don’t care… I laugh at gory deaths cause I think it’s funny how the person dies (For example: In the movie Final Destination 2, I laughed when I saw a girl being shot to death through the head with a nail gun by accident)“.

B brought her past to the troubled, on and off, fight-filled relationship with you. You brought your past to the relationship. What I see in your past (quotes right above) is severe verbal abuse perpetrated on you by your parents, abuse severe enough for a neighbor to notice and threaten to call social services. I see you minimizing their abuse. I see you suppressing your anger at your parents and expressing it at yourself.. and at a woman in a movie, enjoying the portrayal of her violent death.

I just noticed that you submitted a post for me a few moments ago, you wrote: “Dear Anita, Where did you see me indicating that I love to hate her? If she was as perfect as can be, there would not be any hate to direct in the first place.”-

– the hate predated you meeting B, she did not create your hate.

You did a lot of fighting within the relationship with B (“I only entered the verbally abusive phase after fighting for HOURS, or DAYS, or WEEKS, nonstop“, April 5, 2024), and you do a lot of fighting on your thread, arguing a lot. Good thing you don’t call your responders names (I suppose that you know that it’s against website regulations). But you argue and argue. It’s like you are addicted to arguing and fighting.

I wish I could reach you virtually with a motherly hug, and hush your anger, hush your distress, so that you can relax and be calm and have peace within you.

anita

Dear Sunny:

“We both have shared that after fighting, sometimes it’s hard to just bounce back to normalcy“- this is why the best policy is to not fight, but to resolve conflicts through a negotiation. Of course, when there’s anger, it’s okay to responsibly express it, but not to escalate it.

“He stated that I prioritized the wrong emotions and that I should have been there for him on his first day of work… I was trying to release tension between us which is why I felt like I wasn’t prioritizing the wrong emotions here. I was only trying to make things better between us. Is that so much of a bad thing?“- I suppose timing is an important issue here: if you confronted him with what you confronted him after his first day of work, that would’ve been better timing, wouldn’t it?

“Is there any advice you can give? I am struggling here.“- reconsider the situation, see if his complaints are more valid than you thought so far. If they are, then sincerely apologize, letting him know specifically what you are apologizing for.

You are welcome to describe what happened before his first day at work, if you would like more specific input from me.

anita

Dear Cosmo:

I had to look up ENM: “Consensual non-monogamy, also known as ethical non-monogamy, is an umbrella term for relationships in which all partners give explicit consent to engage in romantic, intimate, and/or sexual relationships”.

“I actually have thought about ENM a while ago. But… I decided to deny the thoughts of non-monogamous relationship at all. Not to mention its very taboo in my country’s moral compass. Its like not me and how I’ve been living my life. Also, if I am ENM, I wouldn’t think I be this devastated“-

– I need to understand better. Please answer the following if you feel comfortable doing so:

(1) What motivated you to cheat?

(2) What thoughts go through your mind when you feel shame and guilt in regard to your cheating within the relationship?

(3) What was the state of your parents’ marriage when you were growing up, and how was your childhood experience like?

anita

Dear antarkala:

You are very welcome, Antarkala, thank you for the note.  I hope that you feel better soon, and looking forward to reading from you!

anita

Like I said before, you love to hate her. If you had a girlfriend who was as perfect as can be, where would you direct all this hate that’s inside you?

anita