Forum Replies Created
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AuthorPosts
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MarkParticipantEmma,
I am sorry you got raped again. I hope you are checking for STI and pregnancy. I suggest going to a rape counselor or center or a hotline for I would think this is a pretty traumatic experience.
Take care,
Mark,
MarkParticipantFate,
Funny thing about what people say that they won’t settle for or are n0n-negotiables and I have seen them throwing that out the window when the chemistry kicks in.
What are your 10 items that you refuse to compromise on?
I also know that we cannot know everything about the person until we get to know them under different circumstances over time. That is what dating is about. We show each other different parts of ourselves.
I have just started a relationship. My initial criteria is that she has to be self-aware and kind with us having chemistry. The rest will reveal itself as it goes along. I use my experience and judgment of course but those “non-negotiables” have to be in place in order for us to even start.
Mark
MarkParticipantWorried Partner,
It’s like the old saw: Put your oxygen mask on first before your child, i.e. take care of yourself before trying to help others.
Hopefully this guy will get professional help. You are not his therapist. There is a national suicide hotline.
You still can be in his life as a friend but you are setting yourself up if you play the role as the person he leans on for his depression and anxiety. You cannot fix him.
If you cannot handle him walking in and out of your life when he feels up to it then you walk away to take care of yourself.
Mark
MarkParticipantJezz,
…but I still feel like im walking away from a possibly a good man IF he changes.
But he WON’T CHANGE.
Find an abused women’s support group to get support about staying strong and helping yourself through this.
Mark
MarkParticipantRose,
Go find things that you like to do that involve other people. Church. Meetup.com. Clubs/sports/activities. Take classes. Forget about dating for now. Get comfortable with yourself and being social.
Mark
MarkParticipantTom,
Is this the only area you overthink?
It sounds like it is about worrying about the future. You know you cannot control it. This is where mindfulness and being in the present moment helps. Do you practice that?
Plus it is about being attached to the outcome. The Buddhists talk about the source of suffering is attachment.
It’s a practice. No easy shortcuts.
Mark
MarkParticipantPeaches,
If the relationship is unbalanced where you are doing more emotionally than your boyfriend then it can be difficult to be open and vulnerable with him. I believe is what you see is what you get and trying to change someone is a losing proposition.
You have communicated clearly several times what you need out of the relationship and he is not stepping up to meet your needs.
It sounds like that is not an acceptable relationship for you to have. You want someone you can be emotionally intimate with and be able to trust. You want that closeness, connection and support from your romantic partner.
You are not getting that from him.
How to communicate that you want to move on? I always believe in direct and honest communication. That is the most compassionate way of letting someone know about what is going on. There is less chance of misunderstanding. People worry about hurting the other’s feelings. I say BS on that. We are responsible for how we feel. If we come from the place of compassion and not of malice then it is up to the other person deal with the message.
You know what you need and you are not getting that from this relationship. Honor yourself, your needs.
Mark
MarkParticipantKatie,
It is a losing proposition if you depend on others to validate you. If you measure your worth by who likes you, who goes after you, etc. then there is no Self, there is no self love.
If you want to feel good about yourself then do what anita suggests and enjoy who you are. Look at what great qualities you have and celebrate that.
Mark
MarkParticipantMinnivei,
It sounds like you don’t have practice in relationships or dating. That is crucial first step(s) before falling in love/loving someone. Have you done that? You said you never dated. Try dating casually without the focus or intention of falling in love. Have you made friends with the opposite sex, i.e. platonic friends/activity friends?
I would start with that rather than having a goal of falling in love. Enjoy the process of creating friendships and learning about each other.
Mark
MarkParticipantBlessedInThe603,
What best friend would be so controlling? She is selfish and does not want you to spend time with your family. If that is the person you want to get back together in a close, romantic relationship then do so with your eyes wide open. Otherwise you can reconnect with her as a friend, which means each of you have your own life and not enmeshed/intertwined with family and not in a romantic/sexual way.
Mark
MarkParticipantSurving30,
I am confused. A few years ago, you got involved with a man who sexually assaulted you? Now you are involved with this loving man for the last 11 months but cannot stop thinking about your ex husband? Or you cannot stop thinking about the man who assaulted you?
If it is the ex husband, how long have you been divorced and not been in contact with him?
If it is the abusive boyfriend then how long has it been since you been in contact him?
For either case, my guess is that you never really been emotionally out on your own since your marriage. You jumped right into this abusive guy and now with this loving guy.
You don’t know how to be able to stand on your own two emotional feet without a man. I think that whatever the attraction this abusive man is for you, it is a piece that needs to be examined within yourself. What about this ex that you miss? What qualities does he have that you long for and that your current boyfriend does not have?
Mark
April 15, 2018 at 2:38 pm in reply to: why is this happening,isnt this too much,just weird in my opinion #202545MarkParticipantalexa05,
So why can’t he stay with one of two friends or mother?
I would not worry about whether or not he makes you look like a fool. I would be more concerned if you are speaking your truth or not, that you two have good communication, that you are able to do so without worrying about drama.
Talk to him. Tell him your concerns. This is part of having a mature relationship. You don’t need to bring in “drama” i.e. blaming, yelling. You can do so in a calm way that honestly express your real feelings.
Mark
MarkParticipantMay,
You labelled your post as “Dying Relationship.” This is telling in how you think of what is going on.
You want to fix your relationship and communication. Does your boyfriend? It is hard to do that if he does not think it is a problem or that he does not want to make it better.
You two might want to check out Marshall Rosenburg’s Non-Violent Communication process. It is a simple process which helps in communication.
You might want to read what the Tiny Buddha website has to offer as well…
Mark
MarkParticipantVicki,
You are staying away from this toxic man by not going back to the pub. You still have close friends that you trust and stick by you. You have a supportive and loving husband.
I would embrace that. Start a daily gratitude journal and focus on the positives in your life.
Mark
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