Vin,
It sounds like you are being consumed by being a mother where it can be physically and emotionally draining at times. You are using up your energy not only with your child but with your job and being a wife. I can understand why you feel a bit dead inside.

What brings you joy? It does not have to be a big thing. It could be listening to music or cooking or playing with your child. It is those moments, those present moments to notice and revel in.

A gratitude journal helps as well. It helps you focus on what is good in your life.. and what makes you happy.

Metta,
Mark

Dee,

I am sorry for the difficult places you’ve found yourself within, and can understand how difficult it becomes when we have spent so much of our time caring for others. Sometimes it goes on for so long, we don’t even recognize ourselves anymore. Sadly, this is often the tale of mothers, who set aside their needs for their children and family. In my eyes, they are tales of unsung heroes that have invested their light into nurturing and caring for the children of the planet.

That being said, there is of course the real challenge of developing your own happiness. Don’t despair, dear sister, because even though your spirit has been tangled by years of neglect, your heart has remained strong and fluid. Said differently, you have a deep and profound love in your heart, inspired by your children, and it is quite usual to feel unworthy of it yourself. Perhaps its not embarrassment that you feel as you look in the mirror, rather shame. As though you don’t really, truly deserve that love… and so you giggle or cry or avoid… anything to help make it more bearable. But, sister, mother, goddess, you are not only deserving of that love, you are its avatar in the world. Said differently, from the moment your children were born, you held them to your breast. When you needed sleep, you set aside that need to offer comfort and sleep to the babe. When you needed to be held, you set aside that need to hold your children. It happens, unfortunately, that habits of tossing aside the need can arise, which grow quite naturally into resentment and escape. Frustrated with the kids, the husband, yourself, the world… for your needs unmet, song unsung. But don’t come here acting like you are undeserving of the love you spent years and years giving. Of course you are, dear sister. Of course.

The thing is, there is simply no need for fear or shame to blossom for you. There is always guidance when we open to it, grace when we need it, and a house that is our own. Some nights seem darker than others, but have faith that the love you have grown in the world through your efforts as a mother will come back tenfold in radiance and wonder. This doesn’t happen through some magical outside force, rather, it is drawn into your life through the compassion and grace you have given to others.

The byproduct, perhaps still resting on your shoulders, is a dumb cycle of guilt and suppression. Perhaps you feel guilty for wanting things. You wanted some tender attention, so you sparked up some romance. You wanted some space, so you moved out of the marital bed. Instead of regarding these as signposts along your path of self knowing, perhaps you still feel ashamed of what you did. There is simply no need (as you noticed in my post earlier). Instead, those “mistakes” can become pure white information about what you like and don’t like. Said differently, the same heart that pushed you toward giving a ton of your time to nurture and grow your family pushed you toward the affair. Much like when we are stressed, sometimes our nerves act up and we get a twitch, a warning sign that things are seriously out of balance. Another way of looking at it is like water. You were perhaps like a woman in a life raft, dying of thirst (needing loving affection). It built and built until even though you knew it was salt water, you drank it deeply into you. Fell hard and fast, most likely, feeling alive again after so much thirst. As it digested, though, of course in cankered. A woman who gives up so much for her family doesn’t often sit well with feeling like they betrayed it. So, even that was just another excuse to beat yourself up, another on a long list of reasons why you are imperfect, a failure as a woman, mother, wife. Luckily, that’s total bullshit.

But here and now, there is still the woman, Dee, looking to rekindle that inner fire, the grace and song that she used to sing. I love where you’ve gone with saying you love yourself into the mirror. Consider a little different approach. Consider trying to look at yourself in the mirror. Don’t push, don’t prod. Theres been plenty of that. Consider instead a little gratitude. Look at the girl, the goddess, who gave up a lot in the name of love. Thank her! Thank her for making the world a better place by loving her children. Thank her for keeping clothes clean and food ready. For school lunches and after school stuff and the bazillion other needs that came up that you championed without hesitation. Sure, you fumbled a bunch of times, but you rose to it far more often. Then, perhaps slowly, gently, you could look upon yourself as one of your children. Your own precious jewel to tend, polish and see grow into wellness. Imagine what you might offer to your child, standing there beside you, feeling sorrowful for the life they have lead. But as you look with compassion for them, you see the blessing they have been, the whole of their life, and how little of their own beauty they saw. And even so, bereft of self knowing of their beauty, they kept going, for love of their children… because, well, of course! Can’t you see it, Dee? The beauty and wonder that you are?

So really, let the shame, the guilt, the self criticism go. Let it go! Your heart is strong and wise, let it bloom! Let that warmth inside spread to the ends of the earth, because you have tended the garden with your best song, and you deserve a life of joy. Namaste, sis, may your song bring peace to your precious heart.

With warmth,
Matt

Sia,

I’m sorry for the challenges and suffering you’re experiencing, and can understand why you’re looking for abundance. Sometimes when we’ve become really stressed, we wish for abundance so we can settle those spinning thoughts and feelings. If only we had rs 500000 in the bank, a partner that loved us, a wide circle of friends… then, finally, we could rest and enjoy the life we’re living. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that perhaps you’re experiencing exhaustion with signs of burnout. You run run run run run run. You push your body and mind well past tiredness, well past what is reasonable to do. This leaves us unable to find rest easily. Said differently, your body is running from here to there, and your mind runs even faster from past to future, fear and fantasy. Where is the resting? You’re even running in your dreams! Consider that almost anyone in your shoes would be the same… tired and looking for escape.

Don’t despair, dear sister, because there is always a path toward joy… and it is not like a task list of never ending needs that pushes you back under the blankets in the morning. Rather, its a matter of learning to let go and relax. Your body needs love, and you’ve been a little more like a task master. Its actually in the pushing and clinging that turns the world dark and stormy looking… when we are well rested, we can see the magic and beauty that flows through and around us.

That being said, its not as easy as wishing it into your life… or “feeling” abundant. You have to create the energy inside you. Its actually pretty easy! The first path is to bring the positive energy into your body. This done through self nurturing, such as taking a quiet bath, listening to soft music, or (especially) metta meditation. Some quiet space where you can set down the past, set down the future, and breathe, remember your divinity, and let go of the weight on your shoulders. Not husband, not career, not future, not past… sit and let those go, just for a time. Rest. Let the mind settle.

Next, one of my teachers showed me how the energy of joy is generosity. When we are chewing through our task list, we become exhausted, expend ourselves. When we are moving with curiosity, looking for ways to use our time to the benefit of ourselves and others, we become joyous and strong.

For instance, if you were to enter the room of someone who broke both her legs, you might see and experience two different views. One, the client is a task on the list, a series of actions you have to perform before the day is out. So you move around the room and do what is needed. By the end of the day, your body and mind are depleted, as you used up your energy on checking off tasks. The other view is seeing a sister on the bed, in a difficult predicament. As you see your sister suffering, your heart produces an abundance of inspiration and warmth, which you can open up to, use your moment to feel gratitude for your working legs, and give a little sparkle for your sister in need. Then, as you walk away, your heart is actually stronger, your peace deeper, because you both feel gratitude, both feel part of loving attention given to our family. Said differently, when we are dancing in joy and warmth, we do get tired, but we also get genuine rest, because the body is very satisfied in giving and sharing that warmth, that love.

If you need a kick start to your loving drive, consider searching YouTube for “guided metta meditation” and spend a half hour under their guidance and see what happens. Don’t be surprised if the warmth that arises fades quickly… with practice and time it stabalizes, especially when you use the warmth you find for the benefit of all beings. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Dear Matt,

I would like to give you an honorary peace award for your dedication towards helping me and so many Tiny Buddha community members find their way through this forum.

I could never thank you enough for all the support and words of wisdom you have given me. I have copied and pasted your responses so that I can have them as a reference – weeks, months and years from now. They are like receiving a reassurance from the universe that everything’s going to be okay. A comforting hand on my shoulder. 🙂

A deep bow of gratitude towards you, Matt! THANK YOU!

I’m sorry that you’re going through this pain. It can be easy to get wrapped up in the things you are lacking in life. Maybe you are right, perhaps an attitude change would be good for you. Try to focus on the good things in your life and practice being grateful every day. Gratitude feels good so I think it will help you. Your parents love you but they may not express it the way you want them to and that’s okay. They’re only human. Try to accept them for who they are.

First of all..You are doing the right thing by getting professional help..when you think it’s beyond the control of your mind to correct your blues, please seek outside help…I just finished writing a reply to another person, might help your situation…I have been in those dark alleys where you feel very helpless..trust me….you have a long life ahead of you and there will be many instances in your life where you will look back and laugh at what you are thinking about yourself right now..It’s all going to be fine in the end, and if it is not fine, then it’s definitely not the end!..Hang tight..this has happened to you because the universe has much better plans for you in the future, long lasting love that will stay with you forever!

here is my way of coping when you feel worthless, alone, lost and sometimes even pathetic –

Close your eyes and imagine yourself in a time machine, you press a button and the machine takes you back in time into the concentration camps in nazi Germany..there you see thousands of people being subjected to the worst conditions and hardships humans could possibly endure, millions of people being executed just because they belonged to a particular race or religion…and yet people in those camps kept on living and surviving with the hope that one day, the madness will end..now open your eyes..aren’t you in much better situation than being in an concentration camp ? You may not have happiness or peace, but you have your freedom..isn’t that worth experiencing? we take our freedom so granted that we have forgotten that countless servicemen sacrifice their lives each day to keep our country free..close your eyes again and imagine yourself being in the world trade center when the planes hit..desperately trying to reach their loved ones, hoping to tell them one last time that they love them..or imagine yourself to be in the shoes of a cancer patient who has a few weeks to live…open your eyes..don’t you feel lucky that you have all the time in the world to express love and gratitude towards all the people that care for you?

When you feel really low and depressed, think of all the people who have/had worse than you..and automatically you will feel grateful for the gift of life that you have..and all you have to do is be grateful for it and live it to the best of what you can make it..as Antony Chektov said – “Any idiot can face a crisis – it’s day to day living that wears you out.”

Hang tight..you will feel better!

My heart goes out to you..there have been numerous occasions where I have felt the same..or asked myself what is the purpose of my existence..as Andrea said, this is a phase..it will pass..everyone goes through it sometime or the other in their lives..here is my way of coping when you feel worthless, alone lost and sometimes even pathetic –

Close your eyes and imagine yourself in a time machine, you press a button and the machine takes you back in time into the concentration camps in nazi Germany..there you see thousands of people being subjected to the worst conditions and hardships humans could possibly endure, millions of people being executed just because they belonged to a particular race or religion…and yet people in those camps kept on living and surviving with the hope that one day, the madness will end..now open your eyes..aren’t you in much better situation than being in an concentration camp ? You may not have happiness or peace, but you have your freedom..isn’t that worth experiencing? we take our freedom so granted that we have forgotten that countless servicemen sacrifice their lives each day to keep our country free..close your eyes again and imagine yourself being in the world trade center when the planes hit..desperately trying to reach their loved ones, hoping to tell them one last time that they love them..or imagine yourself to be in the shoes of a cancer patient who has a few weeks to live…open your eyes..don’t you feel lucky that you have all the time in the world to express love and gratitude towards all the people that care for you?

When you feel really low and depressed, think of all the people who have/had worse than you..and automatically you will feel grateful for the gift of life that you have..and all you have to do is be grateful for it and live it to the best of what you can make it..as Antony Chektov said – “Any idiot can face a crisis – it’s day to day living that wears you out.”

Hang tight..you will feel better!

Dear V,

Thanks for sharing your story. Please make it a habit to talk to people about your problems instead of internalize it. Having the possibility to say it out loud and get nurtured can take you a long way. Talking about your problems can be tough but right now you are experiencing the alternative – How does that make you feel?

If I was in your situation I would try to make a list of all the things in life I appreciate. Make a list of gratitude. Often times we are too busy telling ourselves what we are missing in our lives and forget to focus on the precious and lovely things we do have. I assume you can hear, see, run and talk? Most deaf, blind and handicapped people would almost die for those opportunities.

Make it a habit to read some positive and inspirational blogs every day. Give mine a read or find something you like. You will experience a lot of other people facing same troubles and challenges as you do today. You are the only one who decides the quality of your life. Determine that you are no longer going to drink, no longer going to be harsh on yourself and start developing healthy habits. I know it takes time and can be hard to do but look at the alternative my friend. You do not want to stay miserable like this.

If you would like me to assist you I would love to listen to your challenges and give you some guidance and opinions.

Best of luck,
Anders Hasselstrøm
http://www.andershasselstrom.com

Hello Paula…really sorry that you are in this place in your life. But hey cut yourself some slack, you made the first move and MOVED, for that my friend you need a really big pat on your back. And a reward as well just for you. Go out an dget yourself a new dress or a spa day…start investing in you.

I know it feels like you are making no headway yet you are… you have taken yourself and your kids out of the drama and to a place of serenity….did you expect it to be easy, for spending 17 years with your partner was after all 17 years…and with that is a life you both built..
Paula…try to start looking at the little things you have in your life, and begin with gratitude. The universe will align all like towards you and give you the strength to take the next steps that you need. And you dont know what those are… I speak from experience having been there myself, in a similiar situation, and know how tough it was….3 years later I have recovered and am in a state of peace and know that the only person in control of my life is ME…
I would love for you to keep your control and that can mean shutting off at times, and for now, going COLD TURKEY…believe me, it works…

Its all about you Paula…ONLY YOU CAN MAKE THE DIFFERENCE….and you have and be proud of your choices and stop feeding the energy of the past….the future awaits YOU….

Good luck dear

Kylie,

I am well, thanks for asking. The grief for my daughter (Aura) is a distant scar at this point, but its also 13 years later. The love is there, the sorrow is there… but its a small ache compared to the gratitude I feel for what she brought, what she helped awaken in me and her mother.

As for the life that is here and now for me, things are going really well. My love for everyone is growing, and as I connect to people I am continually inspired by their love, courage, tenacity and wisdom. Like yours! For instance, I know you see loss and pain, which I see too, and cry a little alongside you. But I also see an incredible mom and woman, who despite a tumultuous background has a heart that beats strong and true. How awesome is that! 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Daria,

You aren’t lost, you are just unaware of where you are. 🙂

How did I do it? Please keep in mind I am still doing it. I am a work in progress. I still make mistakes, I still treat myself without love and compassion and get caught up in my fears but I seem to have developed the ability, something I never had or even realized I was missing, to eventually sort through it all. I pretty much had lived under the idea of “I felt it therefore it was”. I realized how very wrong that was.

The number one thing I started doing was praying at night in bed. At first it was desperate, I was literally begging for help and strength. As I threw my energy out night after night I started to feel differently. A bit of clarity came in. I started to feel the urge to pray for the person who had harmed me the most. I began to see him differently. I see him differently now. I realize what he did had nothing to do with me. To be able to honestly hope that someone who had harmed me so much would find peace and happiness was something I cannot describe. I know with all my heart that the road to peace and happiness is one of compassion and love towards others. Even if those others have deeply harmed you.

I also started trying to create a quiet mind where I could draw in the positive and let the negative pass me by. This was huge for me. I still struggle with this but I am getting better. At first I was just a woman sitting quietly full of loudness. My emotions, my fears, my inner self created a music that was nothing but ear shattering. In time, it started to calm down and I could start to see the pieces of the hellish melody. I started to choose what I kept and what I let go.

I also started reading happy things. I stopped reading the morning news that is so full of heartache. I started to read here quite a bit and Tiny Buddha is the number one part of my morning routine to love myself. Never do I step away without feeling better. Never do I step away without a piece of wisdom that I can put in my toolbox. Gratitude somehow started to fill me.

What should you do? Know that what a person does is their karma. It has nothing to do with us. Also know how we choose to respond to a person’s actions is our karma. We do have control, quite a bit of it, but only over ourselves.

Start loving yourself. Do things that fill you with peace and happiness. Know that loving yourself is the best way to love others. If you are not in a good place, you cannot really be good for anyone else.

How will you know what are your fears and what is your inner self? You just will. The fears start to become clear and you will see they can be dismissed. What resonates from your inner self cannot. Your inner self is not a whim, it is not a reaction to the moment, it is a steady hum that is with you always.

I am heavy with the thought I have provided no answers and only have created more questions. Your answers are out there. Matt touched upon so much that both of us should embrace. My love is with you Daria. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since your first post and you have someone who prays for your peace and happiness. You are so very deserving of it. It will be yours and then you can share it with the world. How could anything be more wonderful than that?