Jeff,

We are all afraid of failing and being alone.  That’s part of the human condition.  I don’t know what happened in your marriage.  Instead of beating yourself up for failing, try asking what lessons you learned.  How have you grown as a person?  How has your marriage clarified for you what you really want in a partner/relationship?  What things did you do to help your marriage?  What things did you not do or need to change to help create a better relationship in the future?  How could you become a better partner this time around?  Dr. Randi Gunther has written about “12 Characteristics of a Keeper” (found in Psychology today) of qualities that she believes makes for a good partner.  I tend to agree with them.  How do you measure up to those?  Maybe that’s one “goal” that you can work on for yourself.  And it’s a good list to compare to potential partners.

As far as meditation, the “goal” is to help shut off the hamster wheel of thoughts.  To sit quietly every day starting small, 5-10 minutes, then slowly increasing to 50 min – 1 hour.  Hay House (Publishing company) Podcast has MANY options for meditations.  You have to sift through them to see which one feels right for you.  Wayne Dyer, Davidji, Sonia Choquette, Rebecca Campbell etc.  I’ve also been listening to the “Abraham Hicks” You Tube series.  Hundreds of hours of talks and meditations about Manifesting the Life that You Want, and to turn away from thinking about the things that you don’t want in your life.  “They” say that whatever you think about is drawn to you, both likes and dislikes.  So to change your point of attraction, you need to change your thoughts/ focus.  It’s really about learning to harness your “hamster wheel” of thoughts and redirect it to think about how you want your life to be, rather than thinking about how it is (in your unhappy state).  Imagining/feeling what it will be like when you have the things/relationships in your life that you desire.

I’m sorry that you think your relationship might not work out.  Again, what lessons have you learned from being in relationship with your girlfriend?  What things do you like?  Don’t like?  To help you clarify more of what you want in your life.  Maybe start journaling to help yourself get more clear about what you desire.  I’m not telling you to ignore your feelings.  Trying to sweep them away will only help prolong them being there.  You have to honor them and feel them and ask them what they’re trying to teach you.  I’m also just suggesting that you find small things to help you feel a little bit better, like talking to your kids, going for a run, cooking a healthy meal.  Changing your focus to what you appreciate in your life.  Or even just learning to appreciate the little things, like “Hey! I managed to get to work this morning.”  Or “Good for me!  I actually went for a run!”

ONE STEP AT A TIME.  You didn’t get this way overnight.  You probably won’t get out of it overnight either.  Just keep asking yourself, “What’s the next best thing to do?” in every moment.  Until hopefully, eventually, you’ll start feeling better and better, and looking forward to more of what you desire in your life.  I’m sorry that this is a difficult period in your life.  I hope it begins to improve very soon.

Blessings,

Dawn

Hi Saman,

I’m sorry I’m a little late in replying, I’m fairly new

on here and just now found this thread. I too suffer from depression, BPD..(although with intense therapy, CBT, DBT, and three 12 twelve step support programs) have been a Godsend to me. Since starting on DBT, I have not self-harmed since 1994.

My depression and anxiety, PTSD, and BPD at one point so bad, I was hospitalized 6 times in three months. Not alot of fun. Now, I am on great Psychiatric medication, Topamax for emotion regulation and medication to control my panic attacks and severe anxiety. I believe I inherited this from my mother. I think my Dad told me she had DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and she self medicated with Alcohol abuse.

I I think what might help is every time you worry or get an anxious thought (mine usually happens first thing in morning or before bed) I write it down. Journaling works wonders, because it gets it out of your head, and onto paper. I also learned how to stop self-harm in the hospital, and will help you with that if you would like. I hope you feel better soon. Remember, you are bigger than depression. You are the sky, depression are the clouds, just thoughts. Watch those thoughts, don’t judge them..observe them, but don’t become them. They lie. I always tell myself when I get depressed, “I made it through last time, I will make it through again”.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Eliana.

Dear Maria:

To leave a relationship with minimized emotional pain and distress to you and to him:

* leave it just once- make it final. If you end it and then re-start it only to end it again, and re-start it … that would cause unnecessary pain to both parties.

* when you explain to him why you are leaving, make your explanation honest, simple to understand, and short. No lies, no “it’s me, not you” and such.

* expect discomfort and distress for yourself (and for him) following the breakup and be prepared for it, form a plan of action. As far as your expected distress you can plan daily exercise, getting together with a friend weekly… journaling (maybe here, on this thread), etc. As far as his expected distress, plan if and how you will respond to future emails/ texts, phone calls and such. Plan on what you will write to him. That way you will be less likely to respond impulsively to his efforts (if there will be), to re-connect. Plan how you will react to lack of efforts on his part. Plan for the possibility that he will get a new girlfriend soon after (however you think it is unlikely).

anita

Yes, absolutely physical exercise. It’s the best way to get out of your head, make you feel better about yourself, and help you sleep better at night afterward. You can also throw yourself into a project – cook a big meal, start a jigsaw puzzle, do some home improvement, clean your closet…

I also find listening to podcasts is good. Try Dear Sugar Radio if you want some advice and commiseration, or Radiolab for something more educational.

Therapy helps if you can afford it and it’s accessible to you. Talking to friends/family helps but it’s not quite the same as having a professional you pay to listen to you and who won’t get tired of you. I’ve found that if I complain too much to friends or family and they start to burn out on me then I feel even worse. They also don’t always give the best advice.

Journaling helps – schedule 30 minutes every day to write out all your thoughts and feelings. If thoughts come up outside that window you can tell yourself you need to wait until the scheduled time.

Also you can try to write a letter to your ex who you are hung up on (don’t send it!!). Get everything out that you wish you could say to him/her. Say what hurts, what you’re confused about, good memories you shared, lessons you learned. Then burn the letter or throw it out.

First off, I am so sorry about the breakup, those are always tough. My best advice I can give you is to stop comparing yourself to other people as nothing positive can come from it (this is something i struggle with!). People may look like they have the perfect life from the outside, but everyone is on their own journey and at some point in the past, future, or present they have dealt with hard times. Also, 34 is very young! I know a lot of people who would kill to be 34 again (haha), it’s NEVER too late to “start over”! I have found that true love/happiness doesn’t come when you’re searching for it, you have to be happy with who you are as a person, alone, first and stop worrying about the future. Just focus on the present, let go of expectations, maybe try meditating and journaling (i have started writing down things i am grateful for each day, it really helps), and be happy with who you are, “baggage” and all. You are a beautiful soul and someone will be very lucky to be your significant other one day. When that day will be, dont worry about it!! Enjoy the journey, best of luck to you.

Hey Nina! Im still in the middle of my biggest challenge and I dont think I will ever be out of it. My biggest challenge is more of a goal I have set for myself and it is to stay grounded and in touch with reality no matter how anxious or depressed I feel (I suffer from both anxiety and depression and my coping mechanisms involve escaping my reality thru various non substance related means). Meditation has helped, journaling has helped. My anxiety often gets the better of me, and accepting that that is going to happen sometimes has helped too.

Hi there Jen,
The problem is not that you have difficulty selecting a career path, it’s the self discipline that you lack. The career path is just an “extra” addition in your life and the lack of self discipline adds to or complicates it. I would go back to your first post and after rereading it, suggest journaling ALL your thoughts and feelings regarding both Chinese and Digital Design. It’s obvious from your first post that you enjoy language and culture. Not to mention that you already know a language from the nation that has been and will continue to be heavily involved with both the economic and political sectors of the world. With the culture career, you placed outside/external barriers to succeeding. With the Digital Design, you don’t even enjoy it.How do I know? You just told us. I would do some more self digging when it comes to a career in language/culture with your background in Chinese and DEEPLY analyze yourself in both the culture career and digital design career. As well working on your self discipline is your 1st key step and if you can afford it, maybe hire a life coach.
Thank You and Take Care
-AP85