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There are some great blogs about journaling on the site (google tinybudda journaling)
Hi! I will try to keep this as short as I can.
THE CURRENT RELATIONSHIP:
I (28F) have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend (33M) for about 3 months. We are very compatible and both are empathetic, sensitive people looking for a long-term relationship leading to marriage and a family. We have known each other for many years as acquaintances and finally decided to date. We have shared interests and some similar life experiences. He is really nice to me and he makes me a priority in his life. He makes my family a priority (family is very important to me). We spend a lot of time together – almost every day. We are supportive of each other becoming the best versions of ourselves. We have said I love you and have both met each other’s families. He is much more passive and sensitive than men I am used to dating, but he treats me well. I care about him deeply and I want to be with him.
THE LAST RELATIONSHIP:
I was in a 7-year relationship with my ex (33M), living together for 6 years. For the last year or so of our relationship, I began to feel depressed, as I really wanted to get married and although he had said he eventually wanted to get married as well, he was not ready to take that step and wasn’t sure if/when he would ever be. Our relationship deteriorated with frequent fights about our differing levels of commitment and in July 2017 he broke up with me via text message and told me I had days to leave the shared homes I had lived in for 6 years (we had a city apartment and country cabin I had lived in for 6 years that both legally belonged to him). As a common-law partner, I had no property rights and I had to leave everything of the life I knew quite abruptly, except our dog, which I kept. Despite the arguing prior to the break-up, it was still shocking to me and to both our families.
My friends were for the most part glad we broke up – they said I had been depressed for a long time because he was not able to provide me with the level of commitment that I desired. They also felt that he did not make me as much of a priority as I made him and that he did not treat me as well as I treated him (he would name call, yell at me, and could be controlling). In hindsight, I agree that for at least a year I had felt very unappreciated, I made a lot of sacrifices for the relationship, and that he was not the right person for me because if he was then we would not have broken up. In addition to losing my home, I feel that I lost a part of myself in the relationship, losing some friends along the way as I (stupidly) prioritized the relationship I thought would last the rest of my life.
THE PROBLEM:
In the past few weeks, strong feelings of missing my old life have been coming up. I should mention that I had been volunteering in other parts of the world after the break up and have only been back in my hometown for two months, so there are definitely environmental and physical triggers for these feelings. FYI, I started dating my current partner while we were both overseas in the same country, and he returned a few weeks before I did.
I rationally know that my current guy treats me very well and on paper we are perfect together. I rationally know that my ex was not the right guy for me and had flaws (as everyone does). Although I rationally know both these things, I cannot stop the feelings of missing my old life from coming up. I believe part of this is missing qualities about my ex – for example, my ex was very confident in himself, assertive, charming, health-oriented and ambitious (but also stubborn and insensitive – I haven’t forgotten that the bad qualities exist). My current guy is very kind, but also quite passive, less ambitious than I am, cannot financially support himself, isn’t very into health and wellness, and can be extremely sensitive and moody. On the other hand, he treats me well and has the qualities that I did not have in my previous relationship (empathy, compassion, desire for serious commitment). I don’t know if I got so traumatized by the break up that I swung the opposite way completely or if I am just not used to being in a healthier relationship. I am a fairly passive and nurturing female that typically goes for a strong male to balance that (think typical supportive “beta” female with typical “alpha” male to protect and provide – I know these are very outdated terms, but I think most people will understand the general qualities I am talking about). I also know that a large part is me missing my old life in general – I miss my old home (currently living with my parents as I cannot afford rent here even with working full-time – I have not lived with them since I was 16 and it is a big blow to my self-esteem), I miss the feeling of being taken care of by my partner, I especially miss my old cabin where I had planned on moving for the rest of my life – it was an extremely private property where I grew all my vegetables and did a lot of hiking, meditating, swimming, etc. My happiest memories are there. I am having a really tough time letting go. I have communicated that I have feelings of grief coming up regarding my old life to my current partner and he is being sensitive towards this, but I am worried about the effect this will have on him, as he does not seem to have much self-confidence. I do love my current partner and I know to some extent these feelings are natural as I am being exposed to these physical reminders of my old life. I really do want to make things work and I am trying to be as open as possible while also working on myself.
I have tried to cope with this in the following ways:
-Eliminating alcohol and junk food from my diet for 3 months and focused on introducing healthy habits into my life. I did yoga and meditation for about 3 hours a day. I volunteered every day. I spent a lot of time with my family. I met new people and I tried new activities. I also went to counselling for CBT and EFT, and I was put on anti-depressants, as I became extremely depressed. I am still keeping up many of these healthy habits.
-Journaling about my feelings, writing down positive affirmations, writing a gratitude journal.
-Listing the reasons the past relationship failed and listing what I want in a new partner (qualities like empathy, patience, understanding – coincidentally, all qualities that my current partner has!).
-I waited a few months until dating again (only once I stopped feeling depressed and once I felt I had let go), and when I did I made sure that I saw people that shared values and life goals with me.
-I am trying to focus on pushing myself in a positive direction – taking courses, joining new activities, getting very healthy, talking and letting feelings out.
I am still struggling with moving forward. I want to mention that when I got into my current relationship I didn’t feel this way – I truly felt that I had moved on and these feelings have only come up in the past two weeks or so. I don’t want to give up on my current relationship. I am at a stage in my life where I am looking for someone compatible who is also looking for marriage and a family, as I am nearing 30 and I know I would like to settle down soon. I know that my past is holding me back and I don’t want it to take any more of my life than it already has. Please help me. What can I do that I am not already doing? How do I stop making these unhelpful comparisons and cultivate positive feelings? I would appreciate if the advice could be constructive rather than critical – I really am doing my best and am feeling so badly about this situation.
hello was having issues posting all morning so I tested it out earlier. Here is what I wrote to you after I read your morning post.
Good morning Anita,
Thank you for thinking of me early in your morning, I too have thought of you, and all you said since last night. I did not post as I was working on some guided journaling. I was able to reflect on what you said, and also find some more truths. All of which point to exactly what you said.
I have been feeling differently since this last weekend, and since you and I have spoken more in depth of these truths and her abuse, and my true suffering (greater than HERS – what a concept). I have been feeling as though my trauma and pain is stuck in my body (body aches, tension, headaches) and no amount of running, yoga, lifestyle changes will release it unless I work on “emotional trauma release.” What does that mean exactly?
Sounds to me it consists of first, allowing myself to even release. give myself permission to say: i don’t need to feel like a walking stress ball corpse everyday. why? because I am a human being put on this earth – and I deserve happiness just like anyone else (despite who I was born to).
“For you to not hold her responsible, while you are both alive, for what she did to you; to continue to submit to her abuse, is a violation of justice and a meaningless sacrifice of your life.”
-I never thought about this as a violation of justice, as you know I feel that this is “just my life.” Because I am born to this family, this mother, this is my burden to bear. It is true, as a result there is a sacrifice of my life. I am breathing and “functioning” but I am not living. And I feel it boiling inside me recently – I feel this strong feeling that I want to explode – strong tension in my upper back, my body screaming.
I know I am getting closer Anita. I am not there yet – but I am closer.
I was in a fellowship a year and a half ago, in a difficult field that requires a lot of focus. I never allowed myself this focus, the fact that I am a good doctor now is a result of my ability to “push through” the emotional suffering and rise above and function. I had such bad headaches and neck pain that I had an MRI. I knew of course there wasn’t anything “wrong with me” but I just could not find relief. My body was feeling all of the trauma to an extreme sense, some of the worst pains I have had in my life. I thought this morning how everyday would be screaming on the phone and tears. Then finally they got what they wanted (we got engaged and they were able to show off and throw a party) – but a day later it started again – about something else.
poor me. yes I can say it – poor little me – I don’t deserve it.
I think about me in the next few years when I am ready to have children. I have this visual: I am overall okay, but feeling sick and tired and fatigued. My mother is either on the phone or at the bed side driving me so crazy I am in tears and having a severe migraine. The nurse/or my husband has to ask her to leave for my health. I see her go and I think, yes, but these are not guards in my life. The nurse can ask her to go for now, but what about after when I am home, she will be back.
I then fast forward to having a child. I have a puppy (that is not a human) but extremely smart and receptive to emotions – so I have a beginning understanding of what it is like to be a caretaker (but of course no where close). I like to use my dog Bodhi (named for the Buddhist term Bodhi to find enlightenment) as a “pretend child” in my head as it is easier for me to conceptualize.
So I see this, young (human) Bodhi sees mom crying – he says mommy why are you always crying after you talk to grandma – I have no words. Bodhi starts to absorb this behavior and find it to be normal. Bodhi sees me have to go lay down all the time when grandma is over. He hears me getting angry. I snap at him when I am amidst an emotional breakdown.
This is what Bodhi sees. This is who I am to him. More importantly, he sees all this as normal. This is his known.
That cannot be.
I go back to my real Bodhi, and I think what if I said to you – hey Bodhi why are you whining so much today, after all I rescued you from that bad place and gave you a 5 star home, aren’t you grateful?but mom i was just saying I don’t like this food that’s all —sure it’s just food to you, but other kids would be so happy to even have this experience.
Bodhi I brought you all the way to the park, and all you wanted to do is sit and not play with anyone? –but mom..I just didn’t feel like playing today….Oh you ungrateful child, mom had to rush home and do all this, and this is how you show appreciation?
you know Bodhi you used to run so fast and be so playful, everyone used to say wow Bodhi is the best at the park, he could be an athlete, what happened to you?! oh mom I dunno I don’t really like running anymore… Well if you’re just going to be so lazy so young nothing good is going to happen to you, you better think about that…
Wow – it took me less than 1 minute to type all the above, it flowed from my fingers because this is mine and my sister’s real life…when I think about saying this to Bodhi I think: he’s a sweet little baby, and finding what he likes, and is developing his own self – I want to nurture that – not squash it with my personal misery. It brings tears to my eyes!
So yes Anita – with my mother in my life, my future kids will be affected severely.
My husband said while we were away this weekend (exploring a place that we may move to) – he said he doesn’t know how much more of this he can take. I said I am surprised (since reading a lot about what you wrote – and he knows about you and our talks) that he didn’t just “tell them off” a long time ago. He says he thought about it so many times, but what would be the point. If I don’t talk to my parents, they will harass my sister and drive her insane and inflict all on her – it’s all a lose lose…there’s no winning while they are alive. i said even after they leave this earth (the mother voice) will be remain – but limiting or going NC as Anita says will at least begin the healing process.
what do you think about his comment about if I go NC they will then harm and harass my sister more?
Hello~
I’ll try to bring everything up to speed…7 years I was with my boyfriend. We went through it all: losing jobs, mental/emotional abuse/growing pains, becoming pregnant/losing the child, severe family intrusion (his family), copious drinking on his side that evolved into a DUI. After many promises, that were never kept, continuous drinking, and being around him and his emotionally sucking vampire-family, I finally HAD ENOUGH. I was lonely, so I cheated. I didn’t seek out sex initially, but of course the tryst evolved into such. I felt bad when my boyfriend found out because of HOW he found out – and it embarrassed him. All around crappy situation – which ended. Today, over a year and half later, my same boyfriend of 7 years and I decided to marry. We recognize we both fell on our faces – HARD. And it was up to ourselves to put on our bootstraps and make sh*t right again – as best as we could. I went back to school FT for a completely different career, he is doing a lot better in his career and doesn’t drink nearly at all. There is no more lying, sneaking, or bs’ing each other. Well, almost…
I am sad. Even more than before. My (now) husband’s family still sucks my spirit and soul dry, whether I am near or far from them. I am tired of repeating this crap, but I feel lost, stuck, alone, without a voice, like I do not matter, and overall low emotionally. I’ve known my spouse and his family most of my life and I am “not the one” – according to them. After 8 years, I’ve received 2 “happy birthday” text messages. Every year, we celebrate everyone’s birthday (sometimes twice), via dinner, parties, etc etc. I am aware that I have several nicknames, courtesy of my MIL: leech, dumb, trash, garbage, b*tch, chicken-sh*t, fly in the sugar bowl, nothing, manipulator, immoral, dumb-donuts, stupid, liar, hypocrite, Godless. I have attempted suicide and starved myself in the past. I am worried because the once gone self-loathing and deprecating negative talk is returning even worse than before. I have written emails (letters), sent texts to BOTH of my spouses parents to try and connect. I respond like an adult when spoken to, and I more than cordial, and I fear it’s an easy “in” for his Mother to be even worse to me. I am constantly torn which way to go: Be vulnerable and honest with them to be able to “walk through a new door” OR shut that door because it’ll slam in my face like it has ALWAYS done in the past.
When I said I felt bad about how my Husband found out about me cheating – this is true. And crappy of me, I know I know. No need to tell me – I know. But, I finally felt FREE from being left behind, forgotten, ridiculed, laughed about/at by his Mom (mostly), his sibling, his friends, even him occasionally. I was tired of being ostracized for not being a “child of God” (I am Catholic – therefore my family and I are backwards heathens according to his Christian family). When I do/did good, it was looked over and ignored completely, if I did bad, it was the end of the world and he should get rid of “that leech!” All of this mental, spiritual, emotional abuse drained me and I wanted to take my life. It hurt MY family because they could see and hear this nonsense but wouldn’t step up and speak because they know me to be frank, strong, independent but private too. I understand them doing so. However, 8 years, and the SAME OLE’ CRAP is STILL happening.
I want to leave – for good. I think about divorce – a lot. He would hate me. But, I hate me. I was finally emotionally free over a year ago. I was moving to another state, I chose a different avenue in work, I was finally truly HAPPY!! But, I decided to come back and I feel dull, vanilla, fake, a shell of a shell of a shell. I have tried a counselor, medications, journaling, fervent exercise to exhaust my brain, my heart and my body. But, at the end of the day, the tears are ready to fall. I cried for almost 7 years, finally grew a pair (yes, from a bad experience/choice) and set myself free. I turned my brain back on!! Found my spine – and I stopped crying. What a relief that was!!!
I do not know who to talk to or even if it’s worse sharing here. But, I do know there is something that needs to GET OUT. I feel suffocated. My head pounds and the tears are pushed out – unwillingly. I do not share this with my husband because he gets angry and it hurts him. So, I share it here.
This is lengthy, I apologize.
“Raven”
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.