@Sammy good to hear from you mate. No news from my homie @Kkasxo, I do hope Covid hasn’t taken its toll!

Thanks for the appreciation! Men rarely hear it but I’m learning to accept it ever since being with ‘B’ – one of the things I now love the most she isn’t afraid to express her appreciation of me and reaffirm my achievements.

I have a good vibe about this new relationship for you. You’ve done the self work mate that’s the hardest part now reap the rewards and continue building on that, don’t let fears undo it all.

I think with your new potential the desire is definitely there especially if you are feeling you can’t keep your hands off him. Feeling that feeling again is exciting in itself!

Sometimes what we need has always been right there but we avoid realising it due to our reinforced toxic relationship patterns. It often takes real self healing and inner work to realise what is good for us. So I don’t find it strange at all that you see him now as potential romantically.

I’d take the delayed gratification approach which will help you both develop a bond or union that’s based on a stronger foundation not lust. By that I don’t mean be cruel, work him up and blow him off to test him but explain your concerns that you want to be exclusive (giving him security you are serious) pbut slow so you don’t crash and burn, if a man is serious in return he will understand and work with you. Not rush or push you. That will naturally heighten the original attraction itself ten folds because you’ll both know where you stand (no anxiety ruining it) and you’ll just focus on the moments and naturally growing the relationship together.

Slow and steady really does win the race. For me it’s been an excellent exercise in self control!

I got to return to work but thought I’d give you a quick reply. Go for it!

@Sammy mate, understand the attachment you describe. I think when you just vibe or someone has gone to lengths to help you, you can’t help but be invested in returning that favour or checking they’re progressing. It’s a good trait shows you care so don’t lose it. Just be cautious that it doesn’t hurt you in anyway that’s why a little detachment is good for us all.

Which brings me to my next point. I think I’ve served this thread as much as I can at this point. @NBC seems quiet so that I hope is a positive sign that she is moving her life forward. @Kkasxo I too hope is healing and taken the reins to do what’s best for her. @Tim1 I hope is excited about the impending birth or enjoying fatherhood. @Shelbyville the OG , hope she has found her one. Is stable and one day comes back to conclude her story.

I think you are very smart, self aware and I wish you the very best in this new adventure. Seize the moment and just let go of your fears. Ultimately if he is good for you, you’ll not need to question it for long or worry about attraction fading. Allow it to develop, feel the change, you’ll see you are stepping up, growing and spurred to be a better person each day. There will be a positive effect on your life in all areas; relationships, work , productivity, spiritually. Thats a healthy relationship.

If at any stage you get overwhelmed, you can @ me and I’ll respond to the notification. But for now I don’t have the time to leisurely check in like I have been.

Thank you for all your encouragement and support in helping me become a better human. Thank you for being fair and balanced always.

Wishing you happiness and positive vibes!

@Dannydan and @Sammy1

Sorry for the silence. I reread your responses several times and several times I didn’t find anything to say. Everything is true, you are all right.

And then – as usual with me – a confluence of events happened. First, a married friend of mine ran an errand for me and left a bouquet of flowers. Just because. Very sweet.

Second, a disabled man, old enough to be my father, from an opendoor class that I attend, expressly offered me his assistance twice. He didn’t insist when I said that first, I’d like to figure things out on my own, but it was very sweet, too. Not creepy at all like with some other men before, just very sweet. And I remember how we locked our eyes for a split second. Wouldn’t be surprised if he is a little bit in love with me. Poor fellow! And poor me, old soul! I am afraid I really have to wait 20+ years before I find some old gentleman who will really “see” me…

Third, the day before yesterday was my Christian friend’s birthday. He is out of town at the moment, and I felt really well emailing him some local news.

And fourth, the day before yesterday, a strange mood came upon me. That the world is your oyster. And all of a sudden I decided to text B. I thought that nothing prevented me from visiting the place where he had studied on my trip in the autumn, if it came to be, even if we had talked before that.

So I sent a casual text saying that I’d like to meet him in person.

As usual, his reply came in quick enough and as usual, was confusing. “Of course. I love in Z.” Typical because he rushed and hadn’t read it before hitting send. Confusing because he meant to say ‘live.’ But why did he put ‘love’? I even tested the prompts – would if offer ‘live’ or ‘love’ first? Or did ‘love’ came up for him because he had been using it often? True, he usually says “I’d love to” rather than “I’d like to.” Or was it because he had used it in “I love you’s”?

Anyway.

I responded with when and where I’d like to meet.

And as before, after his first response, nothing came in all evening. Nor did he reply during the night. So I texted again in the morning.

To my surprise, he did reply.

And we even met.

And he chose not to wear a mask (we met in a park). But he wore sunglasses and the sun was shining at a 90-degree angle, so I don’t know if he had ever blushed during our conversation.

In short, I really wish we, women, were deaf and blind. Deaf so that we wouldn’t be able to hear the sweet nothings that men utter. And blind so we wouldn’t be able to read all the nonsense they write to us.

So that we can judge the men solely by their actions.

And if you have doubts, then it is the proverbial “He is just not that into you.” If a man wants to be with you, he will move heaven and earth to achieve it. It is another story for how long you’ll be together. And there are all sorts of stories about married men divorcing for somebody else, marrying the new love at once or not at all at once and similarly all sorts of outcomes, from a life together till the very end to a divorce in one year’s time. So who knows what would have happened had he divorced then, right when in one chat he said that we wouldn’t drag anything out back in 2015?

I never told you the reason for his divorce. In 2010, he fell in love with somebody else. I don’t know who it was, how far they went, how long it lasted, why they split. His wife tried to repair the damage more or less single-handedly for ten years. Never worked out. I have no idea why he didn’t divorce his wife of 20 years for that girl because in 2015 he mentioned in passing that he was still thinking about her.

@Sammy1, @Dannydan, I know, I know – one more reason not to regret that we are not together.

But back to our conversation.

He did glance me up and down. I think he liked the way I looked, but of course, I wouldn’t know. Because of that sun and those glasses.

Recognised my car, noticed a not-so-fresh dent in it, which wasn’t there five years ago.

Had texted me a map of how to get to the park after I had texted that I was not sure I’d find the right entrance.

He put on weight. Not enough to put me off (I have liked all sorts of men in my life), but more on my feelings below.

I didn’t prepare a speech. I just wanted to make three points:

• Thanks for coming.

As I described our texting mode after him pulling away, I was ready for anything.

• What was it that made you communicate with me so intensely and then pull away? Was I right thinking that there was some deep connection?

To a degree. He liked me, he still does. But at some point (oh men – and here again I call on @Dannydan with his male mind), he decided we were not a good match. That is when he pulled away.

(Interesting that at some point (before) he had mentioned that he was one of those men who don’t experience the extremes feeling-wise. He neither experiences acute joy or deep sorrow. I am not sure how this correlates with his apparent rashness in some things. But it turned out he was right in 2015 – that he would divorce his wife. It did take them some more time and at least one more reunion (when I think he pulled away from me), but he did divorce her. I also have reason to suspect that he can be very passive aggressive and that is how he behaved towards her.)

He also said that 2016 was the year when he got divorced. I am not sure I believe him there. Or maybe he didn’t word his thoughts carefully. I know that two months after he stopped writing to me, he put his wedding ring back on and wore it for three or four months. He went on a holiday alone that year right before retiring. And his wife removed their picture together from FB only in the middle of 2017. And he moved out only in the beginning of 2019 – when his daughter had turned 18. And sometime in 2020, his wife put “single” as her status. So I am not at all sure about “divorce in 2016.” Furthermore, when he texted me in late 2016 and then replied to my confession in June 2017, he mentioned both times that it was still a mess with his wife.

But I don’t doubt his words that that was his most difficult year. I also wonder if he somehow associates me with that challenging period in his life and so buried it in his memory and was over and done with it?

I can’t really blame him for not really remembering the events of 2015-2016. I for one tend to forget painful details, remembering only the lesson, i. e. don’t approach XYZ and that’s it.

When I said that I had felt him avoiding me, blushing and cutting my attempts to communicate short later on, he didn’t deny. So I was right there.

He said sorry. He also said that he was a terrible communicator.  And that I had always been very vocal about my intentions and likes.

I am wondering though if his analytical male mind told him I am not a good match because he could tell I was falling for him and he was still married? A case of male chauvinism? He was married himself, still living with his wife, albeit saying that he was “separated.” Even as we communicated, he moved in and out of their family house to a hotel at least two times… Went on a retreat as a “last-ditch attempt” (his words)? And then half a year later, put his ring back on again. Isn’t he to blame as much as myself for looking for a distraction, an escape during hard times?

He also mentioned – yes, @Dannydan, men are not stupid – that he had a girlfriend now. Just in case I was going to confess my love for him, I think. Which I wasn’t. I think he also thought I was going to confess at the beginning when I said I didn’t know where to start and had a hard time getting control of my voice for a second.

I am not sure whether he still thinks now that the meeting is over that I was still under his spell. I said that I was doing the “cleanup,” soul-searching, and everyone to whom I related the story (with no names, of course), told me to make use of the opportunity and talk to him in person, since he was still in the area.

I do wonder though whether it is that girl that he had fallen in love with 10 years ago? Just curious, but won’t lose my sleep over that.

So to summarise, again, I was right that he was a mess at the point. And I was right proceeding very cautiously. Only it lasted long enough for me to get attached. And I wanted to get attached. The wound from A’s betrayal was very raw. However, didn’t I try to go slowly? And aren’t there successful stories immediately following breakups?… The story with B did get more blunt as time went on, after he pulled away. I don’t think I’ll be far from the truth if I said that yes, his Twitter became just a habit, but I was getting tired of it and it was not difficult to quit at all, eventually. Tbh, at some point at the end of 2020, I also became afraid of learning that he was in relationship. All the more reason to quit.

• My third point was that if it had been a play, not to do it.

It wasn’t a play, he was messed up, but he did end up hurting me. Not HURTING, but hurting. That’s what I said. I implored him to be more open, with his girlfriend and others, if applicable.

Funny that he remembered a lot of things despite him being a mess at the time. He reiterated that he hadn’t pulled away because of having been bored with my confessions/revelations. He remembered the book I had given him for his birthday. He remembered some things that I had wanted to do. Hey, he even remembered the news I had told him in our little chit-chat from last year when he forwarded me the job offer!

If you ask me what I was feeling for him at the moment and what I am feeling as I type, I don’t really know what to say. I feel like in a fog and a huge void. I think the void was there before because of his communication here and there, his rashness, him being wishy-washy. Because of these features, which I didn’t ignore, my intelligent mind thought it was unlikely that he would be thinking about me and refraining from communication for that long, especially now that he was officially divorced.

But yes, as I wrote to @Sammy1, the line is drawn under my disillusionment. My deep-seated hope was that he was physically attracted to me and felt that intellectual and emotional connection. He was, sort of, but not to a degree that would make him want to have me in his life.

Quite painful to see one “maybe”, tucked away deep inside, go away.

And yes, at the same time, also rationally, I can say that it is not a given that his relationship with the girlfriend will last.

@Dannydan was right supposing that ‘B’ hadn’t done any homework. I am not sure about him ‘jumping’ into a new relationship – as said, I don’t even know who the girl is or how long they have been together, only that she is coming to stay in two weeks. Which is why I thought of the one he had met on a business trip in 2010, but I can only guess.

You know, as we talked, in the back of my mind, I tried to decide two things: Is he still the same? And am I still attracted to him?

He hasn’t probably changed.

Am I attracted to him? Don’t know. Too much time has passed. As said, he put on weight. We had a really good talk, only he couldn’t say much except that at some point he decided there was no future for us. (I can’t remember the exact phrase he used – not “no future,” not “not a match,” not “not going anywhere,” but something like this.) He couldn’t explain why. And I didn’t push for it – after all, I wanted to know if he had felt something on par with me or not. Looks like I was wrong, it was not that meaningful for him. He is just not that into you – golden words (he didn’t say that).

I am not sure whether I am still attracted to him. Too much time has passed. If he wanted me, if he wooed me, I probably could start having him on my mind as I used to.

But now I am too tired. Exhausted even. I don’t care.

I wonder if I have changed?

I am definitely much more mature now.

I wonder what he felt about me after the meeting? Did he feel attracted to the new me? Could his old self be attracted to a new me? If he had changed (nay, I don’t think that), could he be attracted to me now? Would I want somebody like him to be attracted by me? Like really attracted to call me his girlfriend like he called that girl? I don’t know.

I will probably never know what he thought or felt. In fact, I don’t think he will be analysing this meeting as seriously as I am doing, with your help, @Dannydan and @Sammy1. If he suddenly decides he wants me, at any point in time, parts with his girlfriend, we’ll have to start from scratch. I guess like Danny and ‘B’.

But as before, as before this meeting (before I posted here on Tiny Buddha), I am not reaching out to him again.

I know that he hasn’t forgotten me. He just wasn’t that much into me when the time came. Again, don’t know if he felt different now. We said bye and parted our ways.

I don’t know if it was a good thing that we talked. It probably was. Thank you, @Sammy1 and @Dannydan for pushing me to do it.

I am back to thinking again that I am such an old soul, so different from everybody that I’ll never find a matching partner. Especially given how few men I meet for whom I feel that sexual desire and who I know are good for me, who are attracted to me, who are not in a relationship and with whom there is future. For now, I have been filtering out about 95% of ‘bad guys,’ but the 5% still got in. (And of course, ‘good girls’ are seldom attracted to ‘good boys’.) I let go of my fears, dive straight in – and hit a cement floor.

@Dannydan, looking forward to your comments, if any, so that I can wish you all the best! Please don’t leave me here now that I am turning this ‘B’ leaf over!!! (Or am I?)

Thank you all!!!

Wow @NBC that’s a lot of analysis your mind has done.

The fact of the matter is, like many intelligent women, you at some point went against your instincts, the red flags, and got caught up in his emotional woes wanting to probably do what women do instinctively “fix”, which in the end blinded you and lead to you becoming attached. Once those feelings arise it can make it very difficult to let go.

Whereas he like a typical man was able to compartmentalise. He took advantage of the best of both worlds. He didn’t stop to think of the implications it would have on you by sharing such deep things. This is normally done in intimate relationships.

So no I don’t think you were wrong you did have a deep meaningful experience but that was because you were being sincere in your intentions whereas he was insincere so couldn’t.

He led you on and as noted earlier, he awakened feelings in you knowing that it was going no where, he took full advantage of your support and embarked on an emotional affair whilst still married. He should never have been looking if he had unresolved issues because like I said you can never really give to someone new if you’re stuck in the past.

It’s awful and bad enough when a man who is hung up on his ex does it but he did it whilst actively married!!!

That shows his character, he was not worthy of your precious time and attention.

The meeting was the best thing you did for yourself, we could have told you several times but you hearing it for yourself was needed.

Who cares if he thinks you’re under his spell, as long as you did this for your own healing.

If his ego is that big he is assuming that you are under his spell, rather than reflecting on what hurt and damage he caused by his actions then that’s another reason for you being well rid!!

Learning an ex is in a new relationship goes a few ways; if you genuinely care you’re happy for them or you feel jealousy it wasn’t you or you reach a point of indifference and don’t give AF!

All three responses are normal so I’m not surprised you’re curious but honestly don’t worry about it. He’s not your person so your person is out there pour energy into finding him if a relationship is what you seek.

The meeting will have made all your emotions raw and it is human to hurt after realising he really wasn’t into you yet gladly used you. I felt very much the same with my ex. But I guarantee you it will give you closure and in time you’ll realise you are 100% better off without that immature selfish man.

Move on and close that chapter with him for good. Don’t waste anymore time analysing it. If he comes back, don’t entertain it. Work on you and your own needs.

You deserve more, he will never be happy deep down unless he does major work and I doubt he has. He seems to be relationship hopping trying to fill whatever emptiness is within him by any means. Tbh most men are incapable of undertaking the growth @Tim1 and @Dannydan did.

I’m sorry he didn’t offer you a truer apology in person or accountability like they did. However he offered you insight into what he was and is – he isn’t worthy of you.

You deserve a man who knows what he wants and will move heaven and earth for you and vice versa. Anything less is not worth it.

You can equally be fulfilled and content without a man. It’s not the be all or end all so don’t compare to others. Many people are never really happy within and think relationships will fill that void but they just find they are unhappy still.

If you need any other advice let me know but I’m not frequenting TB as I was but happy to always support anyone x

@Sammy1

The fact of the matter is, like many intelligent women, you at some point went against your instincts, the red flags, and got caught up in his emotional woes wanting to probably do what women do instinctively “fix”, which in the end blinded you and lead to you becoming attached. Once those feelings arise it can make it very difficult to let go.

I am not sure I wanted to “fix” him, but it was sure nice to have him as a friend, and I thought I could stick to the fine line of being a friend without getting involved too much, at least until he had figured his “separated” vs “divorced” status. Life proved me wrong.

But I did get a lot out of it. It was my consolation in the end – when he pulled away for good – that we were even. He was a very good listener to my breakup story with ‘A’. I think I mentioned before that I credit him with being a therapist for me. He did move my focus from ‘A’ to himself like a therapist would, but since he was no therapist, he couldn’t do anything to dissipate that new focus. The good news is that we never became involved too deeply, no sex took place, so it was not too hard to let go (compared to a full-fledged invested relationship).

Whereas he like a typical man was able to compartmentalise. He took advantage of the best of both worlds. He didn’t stop to think of the implications it would have on you by sharing such deep things. This is normally done in intimate relationships.

Excellent point! He is sure great at compartmentalising.

When we cuddled, he shared that he had only been intimate with two women in his life – his wife and that girl in 2010. I thought it was a good thing, him being so selective and restrained. Of course, he could have lied.

I shared that ‘A’ had been my only sexual partner so far, and I had only kissed two other men in my life before him. These other two men and I went further than kissing, but not so far as having sex. I don’t know if he thought I was promiscuous? With two men kissed on the lips and one intimate with in all the 30 years of my life at the time?

Who cares if he thinks you’re under his spell, as long as you did this for your own healing.

If his ego is that big he is assuming that you are under his spell, rather than reflecting on what hurt and damage he caused by his actions then that’s another reason for you being well rid!!

At the beginning, he expressed surprise that I had wanted to meet in person. He said he thought I wanted a letter of recommendation from him or something like that.

And when I started talking about our intense communication five years ago, I felt the vibes of something along the lines of “Oh, that’s what it is! I wonder if she still can’t get over that case!?! Couldn’t she really have been hung up on me for these five years???”

One more note. When he recalled the news I let him know last year, it was about a coworker of ours who had recently given birth. He had worked much more with her than with me – and he struggled to recall her name! On the one hand, I was flattered that he remembered so much about me and “us.” On the other hand, I also recalled how in 2015, he, probably wanting to establish a better rapport, had tried to convince me that he and I had had a big project together, which in fact we didn’t. I corrected him right away then. That was a red flag for me, too. I think he knew that he was bringing this up wanting to look good, but it didn’t look good. People-pleaser? Also, the reason for him giving in to his wife and friends’ admonitions to make up?

When he mentioned that coworker, he kind of nodded towards me, sort of “And what about you? In a relationship? Kids?” But he didn’t say anything.

Have no idea what he thought in the end. I might have been just as well clearing my mental space because it was in the way of a new relationship, might I have not?

I felt that he was intently watching for my reaction when he mentioned his girlfriend. I am glad I had my sunglasses on. I didn’t flinch, just nodded and shrugged as if it was totally expected and I didn’t care in the least.

I thought it was also funny that he seemed to be genuinely interested in how things were going in our organisation, covid and all. I thought he would ask just one question and maybe a follow-up as small talk, but he asked quite a lot. I had the impression that it was actually me who was more impatient to get to the reason for our meeting than he was.

Learning an ex is in a new relationship goes a few ways; if you genuinely care you’re happy for them or you feel jealousy it wasn’t you or you reach a point of indifference and don’t give AF!

Great point! I am 80% indifferent and the rest is split between very light jealousy (mingled with uncertainty about what I would be feeling if I were with him – possibly lots of anxiety, but I am not sure, I am in sort of turpor right now) and curiosity as to who the girl is. Wouldn’t it be Hollywood-like if it were the one from 2010? Albeit with lots of direct damage (his wife, his daughter who was only 6 or 7 at the time) and collateral (for instance, me).

The meeting will have made all your emotions raw and it is human to hurt after realising he really wasn’t into you yet gladly used you.

I suppose it was more the fact of rejection. For a day or so, I had the same feeling I had had when one of the guys from a quasi-relationship said he didn’t want me and when A announced that he was now in love with another woman and couldn’t care less about me.

It is much better now. It definitely helps that we never went too far and that it has been almost exactly five years since he went MIA for good.

Tbh most men are incapable of undertaking the growth @Tim1 and @Dannydan did.

This is what concerns me a lot. There are already more women than men. Women are generally more self-aware than men. So the chances to find somebody like @Tim1 and @Dannydan are tending towards zero.

I’m sorry he didn’t offer you a truer apology in person or accountability like they did.

This is true, he didn’t. He apologised just because it was polite to apologise. I doubt he is going to think back about what he had done and decide he also needed some soul-searching – like @Dannydan. But who knows?…

However he offered you insight into what he was and is – he isn’t worthy of you.

Agree.

Another thought came across. He said I had been vocal about what I wanted, he had told me right away that he didn’t want to marry.  He reiterated when we met now three days ago that it was never his intention to marry.  Copped out of any potential responsibility when sensing I was falling for him by saying “I just can’t have a serious relationship now”.

Which prompted a few questions from me back then in 2015.

You see, everywhere – in forums, articles, even in a similar Tiny Buddha thread, people use the phrase “I don’t want to be in a relationship.” He used “can’t have” and “now.” Which made me ask whether these were the key words. And he didn’t reply to it.

The thought is that, in addition to yet one more attempt to reconcile, he may have thought I was not the one because he wasn’t ready for anything serious, wanted casual and could see that I was strictly relationship material?

I couldn’t help but think about the vibes I was getting from him during our meeting and before when our paths had crossed after he had pulled away.

When we met a couple of times in the autumn of 2016, half a year since our meeting before that and about half a year after he had ghosted me, why would he approach me and then avoid me and blush and fidget when talking to me if he had decided I was not the one? He didn’t protest when I said I had noticed it this week.

Can’t tell about blushing this week, no fidgeting, but as I look back, I realise that he was standing erect and immobile as a statue, never shifting weight from one leg to another or crossing his arms or hiding his arms behind his back as I was doing. And we talked for 30-40 minutes.

He was just as serious as he was when we cuddled and talked, not a single joke cracked.

Again, it may be wishful thinking and even if it is, it is not more wishful thinking after this meeting than it was before when I had already started to forget him, but I have a feeling now that I am back on his list of potential partners. You know, like they say that every man has a list of women he turns to when he is single. Not for comfort, but to see whether they would fit as a new partner. Like they suggest not to forget one’s friends, especially single ones, to look around in one’s already established circles of friends and acquaintances.

He has a highly analytical mathematical mind. He probably agrees now that he is not the mess he was in 2015-2016 (he may be a different mess, but that’s a different story). And I am not the mess I was back then. He definitely liked my appearance. He had always been attracted to me. If it is a serious relationship he wants now and if he and his girlfriend don’t work out, I wouldn’t be surprised if he contacts me.

At least, I did jog his memory (not that he had forgotten about me, but he probably brushed me aside – “nope, not that one”) and made him see me in a new light.

This is my main takeaway. Our meeting helped me to see him the way he is now (also with me) and he could see and check the perception that he had conserved of me against me in 2021.

Again, need @Dannydan here – men hardly ever fall in love at first sight, do they? It happens gradually.

If his mind tells him I am worth pursuing, he may as well try that and see how it develops this time.

Goes without saying that I am no more expecting him to contact me at any time in the future than I was before the meeting.

And goes without saying that I will have to put him through a lot if he does.

If you need any other advice let me know but I’m not frequenting TB as I was but happy to always support anyone x

@Sammy1, I am about to be done with this situationship, but if you come up with any other comments, I’d be grateful. You are terribly insightful and give very good advice that makes a lot of sense.

I am also looking forward to @Dannydan’s comments from a male’s perspective, so that I can wrap it up for good.

@NBC we can’t control what emotions surface for us, but we can control how we act. Yes, your action of trying to be a friend whilst he was ‘lost’, hurt you in the end. It is something you chose so that at least can’t be blamed on him even though the rest of what he did was wrong.

So we have to take ownership and not allowing ourselves to remain in situations for longer than we should. Learning when to quit is actually a really good tool to possess. I learned that the hard way through my alcohol addiction and my on/off past with the ex. I wish I had left and taken a stance and shown myself respect and love sooner.

I’m glad you feel it was even in the end. I didn’t which made me feel more unworthy but again I’ve learned not to expect back in return and set boundaries. Something I had no concept of before. I just poured and poured until I lost myself.

I agree with Danny you haven’t let go fully but you definitely are now making movements. Once you let go fully there’s no need to rake over it. But you take your time to heal, I’m just impatient when it comes to being miserable or in a rut. I feel an urge to move my life forward in a meaningful way, staying like that can just make you spiral downwards and develop more bad habits.

Double standards sadly exist, unfortunately I see where you’re coming from, men do get hypocritical when it comes to body count but why on earth would he think you’re promiscuous just for kissing??

I think he was a mess, needed an escape, found you but ended up connecting emotionally. Men do not go deep with people they just want to shag. There was a deeper connection there that’s why he is able to recall you and thinks about you. Otherwise if it was a cheap fling he wouldn’t recall your name let alone the content of your conversations 5 years ago.

Like Danny said men are deprived and he even though he knew you were not what he was looking for at the moment did what most immature men do, took advantage.

Don’t allow this one man to steal your future happiness. Do it for yourself. Love yourself enough to believe something better is out there.
Treat him like a radio he’s playing somewhere but tune out of this frequency and tune into a new frequency, go discover a new soundtrack. You may find a hit!

Never ever take this man back even if he calls around and you’re still single or feeling lonely.. UNLESS real growth has occured and is demonstrated,  that would mean taking accountabilty foremost and being mature enough to express it. Otherwise trust me when I say you’ll regret going back to only find out he’s the same person.

But he doesn’t seem to want marriage as he’s stated, I’m sure you do. That’s a deal breaker so find a guy who’ll treat you and show you how much he wants it with you too! They are out there.

Honestly once you learn to be okay with being by yourself and loving your self. You no longer NEED a relationship. You will want one only if the right man steps up.

Danny thanks for that perspective, good on you for not being misogynistic. I know if I go out with my besties bro to not to cut back on that tlc you men crave, hopefully if he’s the right one he will appreciate me for it.

@NBC here if you need further advice x

Hi all, new to this thread, I have read through from the start and I must say what an amazing community, other forums do not get near the amount of empathy this does and have found them unsympathetic, after reading through and being able to mirror a lot of the trauma and feelings it has been comforting to know I’m not the only one feeling this way and also to see the success in people getting over them to a happy place in life.

I was a little disappointed to see the thread has died down now as I go to the end as it seems most people have resolved the issues they had and are in better places now so not sure of it is worthwhile me posting my story now for peoples views, opions etc.

In case I would like to say I appreciated the thread as it has been insightful and helpful all the same

@NBC I’m super glad my advice has helped. Yes,  it’s time to let go.

I don’t believe he was just after sex. I think he was after an escape and the benefits of a relationship. Emotional understanding, the warmth, the cuddles all the things he was deprived of in his actual relationship. When shit hit the fan he knew he had you. He was cold enough to use you in that way. He like many men didn’t understand that for majority of women spending that quality time causes them to feel more attached and fall. Whereas men can compartmentalise and remove themselves and go back to playing happy families. He clearly never had any intent of commitment to you. You were just an escape and he was able to live out his fantasies.

Him asking you are you his, was probably empty words and breadcrumbs to fluff you up.

The old saying goes why buy the cow if you can milk it for free. He used you. He took advantage of you and was opportunistic. He knew you’d offer him a place to sleep etc.

I do think you can learn to set stricter boundaries and never get caught up in a triangle. It always will end up with you hurt.

Can I ask just out of curiosity and no judgement, did the fact he was married still and not officially divorced not send red flags and deter you?

You were a single agent but he embarked on emotional affair cheating on his wife. In essence emotionally cheating on you too everytime he would think or be with his wife.

Can you see that this is not healthy. That you deserve so much more than to be an afterthought, an option.
I’m glad you knew for yourself you wouldn’t have sex with a married man. Even if you wanted to. Its just not worth it for a few minutes of lust.

What worries me is the fact you said you supposedly gave green lights by offering him a space to say. Always remember consent!!! He has no right to assume you will have sex until he has gained consent. I.e. if you have a Netflix and chill date doesn’t mean sex is guaranteed, if you go for dinner he pays doesn’t mean sex is guaranteed for him. If you kiss and cuddle doesn’t mean he can automatically assume you will give him sex. Any man you are with if a gentleman will gain consent.

If he was of sane mind as he claims or self aware enough to know what he was doing and knew you weren’t the right one but continued anyway then that’s wrong on so many levels, he is ROYALLY MESSED UP.
That’s cold, cruel and calculated. If you have room in your heart, you can forgive for your own healing but you should never let that happen again or trust him.

Yes an authority does exist that can tell you if NBC version 21 is different. That’s you. Have you changed? Grown? Made improvements for YOURSELF? You are in control of your self worth and esteem. Don’t seek validation from others.

Don’t rush your process but do make positive movements towards change. Staying stuck in hopes of the past are never healthy or good. I hope this interaction with your B makes the interest wane and you move on to find your next adventure.

The fact you are questioning why he can’t turn to you for an ego boost shows how little value you have for yourself. Come on you deserve so much better than that! You deserve to be chosen.

The reason why you didn’t call him out entirely for your pain and tell him you were hurt is because a part of you didn’t want to rock the boat, you still had or have that glimmer of hope that you didn’t want to dash. You didn’t want to give him a reason.

He is by the sounds of it a coward who can’t admit his accountability by himself. He is the type of guy who doesn’t ever leave you when he knows he doesn’t want you long term, and in the end offers the typical “you deserve better” to just look like the good guy.

He hurt you. I’m sorry you got hurt. But you know what you are in control of how you let that hurt define you. You can let it cut you deep and wallow in self pity or be determined to never let someone hurt you again by loving yourself and moving on.

I’m sorry if a lot of what I said is very blunt but I think sometimes the hard truths are what push us to level up and better our own lives and selves x