Learning and Unlearning: A Journey of Self Acceptance
by Melodi Cowan
A teacher of mine once said, “Don’t show up as the person you think you are. Show up as the person you want to be.” A powerful statement, but I didn’t know who I wanted to be. Even if I did, I wasn’t sure if I could pull it off.
I knew who I didn’t want to be: self-critical, self-conscious and always focusing on my shortcomings. I wanted to learn how to get out of my own way.
For a long time, I thought improving my external situation by becoming richer, thinner, and smarter meant that I was learning. Not to say that accomplishing those things isn’t learning. However, in that cycle I wasn’t learning, but repeating the same story.
I kept trying to get from A to Z by pushing myself and always expected my results to meet my expectations. And the vicious cycle continued. I thought I’m not good enough; I’m pathetic and I’ll never get it right.
Ironically, my desire to learn continued to work against me.
It only brought me further from what I wanted. I now realize how necessary it was for me to relinquish control and create space for something other than my neurosis.
Today, I’m learning about integral awareness—taking in information on all levels, mind, body and spirit. Not resisting, not expecting, not judging, but allowing; removing previous ideas about who I am. I have come to realize that true learning is unlearning.
Another word I associate with learning is deprogramming.
In other words, one must begin by emptying one’s cup.
Bruce Lee once said, “Empty your cup so that it may be filled; become devoid to gain totality.” By emptying my cup, I am making room for new experiences in my life instead of allowing myself to repeat toxic patterns.
In the process of unlearning and letting go, I have experienced some dramatic changes in several areas:
5 Ways to Find Your Balance
by Janeen Paul
The yoga class I attended yesterday included a number of balances, from simple tree pose to a “floating” ardha chandrasana. I am not certain why, but I was struggling to find a steady balance on one side.
I arrived late feeling flustered, and my mind was spinning and worrying as we worked our way into the flow. I had to struggle to make my gaze steady, and I was starting to beat myself up for the wobbling on my left leg.
Then I had a realization: This is really the whole point of balancing poses, if not yoga itself. The point is simply to be with yourself, no matter where you are at that moment. Or, as Thich Nhat Hanh said: “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.”
Later, I thought a lot about balance, and how we are always trying to find it in our lives. I talk with patients about it almost every day, and no one seems to feel they have it under control.
It’s easy to get caught up in the busy-ness of daily life, and forget to find time for relaxation, or even self-care. We get stuck in our heads planning the future or dissecting the past rather than meeting this moment.
I know when I don’t take time to balance the doing with the being, the stuff for everyone else with the stuff just for me, I get flustered and tense. I feel off-center, and it’s hard to catch my breath. Life easily gets unsteady, the way I felt at the beginning of class.
Here is my list of 5 ways to find your balance. While it certainly applies to asana, I see ways to apply these off the mat, too.
On Fearing Change: When It’s Time to Take a Leap of Faith
by Jeanelle Rabadam
“Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.” ~Unknown
There are two basic human emotions that are the driving force behind each thought, each daily inspiration and that rare but pivotal new-chapter, life-changing decision. The first is fear and the second, love.
The funny thing, however, is that they are intertwining forces. In order to feel passionately about something, fear and love must coexist.
One year ago I made what some people would consider an irrational decision. I had a great job, a flexible boss with rainbow colored work walls to boot.
I had a circle of close-knit, happy-hour-loving girlfriends who brought overflowing amounts of joy and adventure to my life. Together we’d paint Los Angeles red, fly to Chicago on a “girls’ trip” whim, and celebrate one another’s birthdays in Las Vegas.
Within our friendly beachside neighborhood were my favorite Thai restaurant, faithful yoga studio and the best omelet breakfast spot within a 5 miles radius of each other. My adoring family was a short one-hour Southwest flight away, so I could always access TLC from Mom and Dad.
I was comfortable, I was happy, but most of all I was where everyone wants to be—safe.
Halfway through the best year of my life to date I decided to make a monumental move. I quit my rainbow-walled job and applied to graduate schools abroad.
Skimming potential programs I narrowed my choices to three well-known major metropolitan cities: London, Paris and Barcelona. After much deliberation I decided that while London is bubbling with energy and the French have the most delicious buttery croissants I’ve ever tasted, Barcelona was my true calling.
A California water-loving girl at heart, I can never be far from warm sunshine or the familiar stretch of sandy beaches.
Upon arrival and the few months following, the unexpected feeling of homesickness hit me like a mid-summer tidal wave in the South Pacific. I was alone in this foreign place, aching in my heart and missing my safe life.
As we oftentimes do when it comes to big decisions, career changes or new mortgages; I doubted myself and the choice I had made.
While waist deep in fear and doubt, strangely enough I was also on an exhilarated high. Each morning run was an adventure; each trip to the market, something new.
How to Deal with Criticism Well: 25 Reasons to Embrace It
by Founder Lori Deschene
“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle
At the end of the day, when I feel completely exhausted, oftentimes it has nothing to do with all the things I’ve done.
It’s not a consequence of juggling multiple responsibilities and projects. It’s not my body’s way of punishing me for becoming a late-life jogger after a period of cardiovascular laziness. It’s not even about getting too little sleep.
When I’m exhausted, you can be sure I’ve bent over backwards trying to win everyone’s approval. I’ve obsessed over what people think of me, I’ve assigned speculative and usually inaccurate meanings to feedback I’ve received, and I’ve lost myself in negative thoughts about criticism and its merit.
I work at minimizing this type of behavior—and I’ve had success for the most part—but admittedly it’s not easy.
I remember back in college, taking a summer acting class, when I actually made the people around me uncomfortable with my defensiveness. This one time, the teacher was giving me feedback after a scene in front of the whole class. She couldn’t get through a single sentence without me offering some type of argument.
After a couple minutes of verbal sparring, one of my peers actually said, “Stop talking. You’re embarrassing yourself.”
Looking back, I cut myself a little slack. You’re vulnerable in the spotlight and the student’s reaction was kind of harsh. But I know I needed to hear it. Because I was desperately afraid of being judged, I took everything, from everyone as condemnation.
I realize criticism doesn’t always come gently from someone legitimately trying to help. A lot of the feedback we receive is unsolicited and doesn’t come from teachers—or maybe all of it does.
We can’t control what other people will say to us, whether they’ll approve or form opinions and share them. But we can control how we internalize it, respond to it, and learn from it, and when we release it and move on.
If you’ve been having a hard time dealing with criticism lately, it may help to remember the following:
60 Things to Be Grateful For In Life
by Contributor Celestine Chua
“We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.” ~Cynthia Ozick
How often do you pause to appreciate what you have in life?
When I was young, I sort of took things for granted. I believe many other kids did so, too. After all, we were young and we didn’t know what life could be like on the other side.
One thing we took for granted was education. In my country, it’s compulsory for all kids to go to school, so it was a given. We never thought about how lucky we were to be educated.
Another thing we took for granted was our teachers. We never thought about how lucky we were to have teachers who cared for our growth so much, and poured their heart and soul in their lessons.
Then slowly as I grew up, I began to appreciate things around me more. As I saw more and more of the world out there, I realized all the things I’d been given are not rights, but privileges.
I realized that being literate is a not a right, but a gift. I realized there is a lot of war and violence in the world, and I’m lucky to live in a country where it’s safe and peaceful. I realized there are people out there who don’t have their five senses, and to have mine is a gift.
I realized the world is so beautiful, and we’re lucky to live in such an amazing world.
Sometimes it’s easy to feel bad because you’re going through a tough time in life. However, remember no matter how bad your situation may seem, there are tens of thousands of things to be grateful for in life.
Below is a simple list of 60 things that I’m grateful for in my life. Most of the items, if not all, will apply to you too. I’m sure as you read this list, you’ll think of many more things to be grateful for. Feel free to add on in the comments box below. I would love to read them.
Punished By Anger
by Contributor Sam Russell
“You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.” ~Buddha
I went camping recently, something that I was really looking forward to, but I didn’t last long. Due to health conditions, my friend and I had to abandon camp at 3 AM on the first night because the cold go to me in a big way.
This awful experience has left me feeling dejected and rather ashamed of myself. Who the hell can’t manage a couple of nights camping? I’m being too hard on myself, but the point is I’m feeling angry.
You know what that whole anger thing is like:
Your kid goes over the other side of town with friends when you’ve asked them not to because you don’t want them to get hurt. Your sister borrows your favourite top and spills wine down it, then hides it back in your wardrobe. Your best friend nails that promotion after saying she wouldn’t apply because she knew you were desperate for it.
There are countless situations in our lives that can give rise to anger. It’s up to us to recognize them and do something about it before it gets out of hand.
I admit it: I am an angry person. How angry you ask?
Why It’s Hard to Trust Our Instincts and How to Start
by Sonya Derian
A couple weeks ago, I was talking to a friend of mine. I was telling her how I always know when it’s time for me to move. She asked me, “How do you know? What makes you aware that you ‘know’ this?”
It was a reasonable question: What is the actual sign that indicates that you “know” to do anything?
“You just know,” I told her.
“But how?” she was curious.
I didn’t really have a good answer for her at the time, but it stuck with me.
After thinking about it for awhile, I realized it’s not in the “knowing” that we get stuck. We always know. It is in how well we trust what we know, and whether we’re willing to trust it enough to act upon it.
So, how do you know that you “know” something?
Well let me ask you this: How did you know that you were going to marry the person you married, or take the job you were offered, or go see the new doctor you read about?
What made you decide that this was the right decision for you? What made you “know” that the house you bought was the right one for you, or the apartment you chose to rent was the perfect spot for you?
It’s intangible, isn’t it? It’s a feeling. You know, and then you “know” that you know.
Or, how do you know when it’s time to end a relationship? Or when it’s time to move on from a friendship that is no longer serving you? Even if it’s been one you’ve been with for a long time?
I’m going to say it: usually, you know.
Most often, it’s not the “knowing” that is the case. It’s the trusting.
Trusting that our assessment is accurate, that our feelings are valid, that our observations are not all in our head. Trusting that we know what is true for us.
And then trusting that we have enough courage to take action on what we know.
7 Ways to Deal with Uncertainty to be Happier and Less Anxious
by Lori Deschene
In three weeks, my boyfriend and I might move from the Bay area to LA; or we might move in here with roommates if he decides not pursue a film career.
I am starting a new work-from-home writing gig to pay my bills while I write my book. It might be something I can do in under two days a week, or it may require more time. It may provide enough money, or I might need to get some other work to supplement.
If we move, I might enjoy LA; I might not. I might balance everything well; I might feel overwhelmed. I might make new friends easily in my new area; it might take me a while to find like-minded people.
My world is a towering stack of mights right now. Though I’m dealing with a lot more change than usual, the reality is that most days start and end with uncertainty.
Even when you think you’ve curled into a cozy cocoon of predictability, anything could change in a heartbeat.
The only constant in life is that it will involve change–and try as you may to control the future, sometimes all you can do is trust that whatever happens, you can adapt and make the best of it.
Since I am straddling familiarity and the unknown, waiting to form some type of expectations for my future, I’ve been thinking a lot about dealing with uncertainty well. Though I’ve written before about embracing an uncertain future, I have a few more ideas to add to the mix:
1. Replace expectations with plans.
When you form expectations, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. You can guide your tomorrow, but you can’t control the exact outcome. If you expect the worst, you’ll probably feel too negative and closed-minded to notice and seize opportunities. If you expect the best, you’ll create a vision that’s hard to live up to.
Instead of expecting the future to give you something specific, focus on what you’ll do to create what you want to experience. I might be lonely in LA; or I might move into an apartment building full of yogis who enjoy Scrabble. None of that is in my hands right now. What is in my hands is what I plan–what I will actively do when I get there to meet friends, find balance and live the life I want.
4 Life Changing Lessons I’ve Learned from Running Tiny Buddha
by Lori Deschene
“Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love.” ~Rumi
I have been working on Tiny Buddha for over two years, and yet I’ve rarely written about my experiences running it.
I haven’t told you anything about my own challenges, opportunities, and lessons and it occurred to me today that that might be valuable information.
You probably have a Tiny Buddha in your own life—something you created that you’re absolutely in love with. Or maybe you haven’t found it yet, but you want to build something that drives you like nothing else.
Tiny Buddha has been that for me, and I’d like to share with you a few of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned along the way:
1. The past got you to where you are—so every step was valuable.
At times I’ve looked back and wondered if perhaps I made mistakes in this journey. For instance, I did everything anonymously until earlier this year.
Tiny Buddha was originally just a daily quote on Twitter. I was hesitant to put my name there because it’s never been about me. It’s about ideas that relate to all of our lives, regardless of our age, background, geography or even religious affiliation.
It seemed to make sense to go into this site the same way. I didn’t want my perspective to be the foundation with guest contributors lending occasional support. I wanted the community to be the foundation, with my voice a part of the collective.
In deciding early on to put the focus on the community, I forgot that you can’t build a community unless you’re willing to be part of it.
When I think about the types of interactions I am having with people about Tiny Buddha today, I sometimes wonder how amazing it could have been to have facilitated that sooner. Then I remember: today wouldn’t be happening without yesterday, and I can only enjoy today fully if let go of ideas about the past.
I needed to be where I was in each place before I could get to the next step.
We’re always looking for the fast-track in life—for the bigger better thing as soon as possible. The learning takes place in the small things, in their own time as they need to unravel.
Writing Your Story: 5 Ways to Discover Your World
by Cat Li Stevenson
“The future is completely open, and we are writing it moment to moment.” ~Pema Chodron
This past year has been one of tremendous self-discovery. One day, I suddenly realized after 9 years of a very straight finance paved path that I no longer wanted to be a corporate banker.
Instead, I wanted to wake up each morning with a bigger purpose—a brand of who I was, and what I stood for outside of this corporate lifestyle.
Since that day, I seemed to be on a tiresome pursuit in finding my story. I even seriously debated moving out of the country to build character and expand my journey.
While my own story is still one that remains on the preface page, I have realized in several months of contemplation that discovering our personal novel is not formed by rushing the process or constant over analyzing.
It is, instead, a compilation of daily experiences, perspective, and the wisdom we receive from these that shapes our meaning.
We all have a truly unique story, but we don’t have to be in a hurry to write it or create it. When we start living life, instead of always trying to figure it out, our story—our meaning, our purpose—will present itself in amazing ways.
Here are five activities I have found helpful in discovering my world:
