I am sorry for your pain ainka.

I offer a suggestion to let this person go as the first step toward your healing.
I have done releasing ceremonies to let go of things I do not want in my life anymoe.
Write down your pain. Let your emotions out on paper. Pour out all your suffering, resentment, anger, betrayal, and lost love.
Then crumple up that paper and take it to a place where it has some meaning for you. Perhaps it is a quiet place by the lake or a tree or where you have your altar.
Say a prayer of thanks and love and then burn the paper.

And then, step-by-step, love yourself.
Do what it takes to nurture and love yourself day-by-day.
Each morning when you arise, look into the mirror, directly into your eyes and say I Love You.
Each day commit on doing one thing that will make you smile.
In your daily meditation, sit with whatever emotions that you have and BE with it however painful.
Be conscious of doing something good for another. Look outside yourself and perform an act of kindness.
Put this into your daily gratitude journal.

Let us know how you are doing.

Metta,
Mark

Dear Smita,
First a big hug. Know that you are not alone. Start a gratitude journal…every day write down one or two things that have brought you joy…good tea, bird singing, blue sky, a song, seeing a child smile. What comforts you? Make a list of what you like to do, a list of what you want to try and where you’d like to go. Don’t give your negative thoughts a voice…which is not to say you shouldn’t grieve your losses, but put them in their place…don’t give your power away to them.

If you want to, allow yourself to get counseling, visit with your Dr. and have an honest discussion about what’s going on. I’m starting over at 55, having lost everything…spouse, house, sense of place and community, that I thought would carry me into old age. I had to get help because deep down inside I wanted to survive…but I needed a life line. I got the proper medication and am getting counseling so that hopefully I can get off the meds, but they bought me time, time to sleep, time to cope. There’s no shame in that.

Treat yourself as your best friend…what would a best friend say to you? That you will be ok, that they are they for you, what can they do to help? Be that person for yourself if there truly is no one else. Eat well, sleep if you want to, cry if you need to. Try to go for at least a little walk outside. Coddle yourself, your heart is sick and that is valid!

You have been given the chance to recraft your whole life…you are free to go in any direction. Seize the opportunity to live the life you want and dream of. Nothing is holding you back but you.

Peace and blessings on your journey.

Hi Craig, As a 60 year old man who has found his passion (finally) of helping people as a life coach I can relate about how life can feel empty.

I look to that great Dalai Lama quote: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” That says to me is to focus on our gratitudes and being in service to others (i.e. get out of yourself). Having a gratitude journal kept up daily would be good regardless. Volunteering would be good as well to be in service to others.

Sometimes you just need to sit. Don’t just do something, sit there! I believe we can hear our wisdom better when we are quiet. Do you meditate? That would be a good thing for you regardless.

Other times you need to move, even a step at a time regardless of the direction. Sticking to something, even if it is a small something can get the energy flowing. It does not have to be a big thing like working out cycling during the winter. Chop wood, carry water may be enough.

Let us know how you are doing!

Metta,
Mark

Dear Lily,

You’ve shown such strength already and of course it hurts. It’s ok to feel pain, you are a human being and when something touches you, you feel life running through you.

What has helped me in the past, and still does now, is to focus on what I do have. Basically it’s an exercise in gratitude. Keep a list of what you’re most grateful for and focus on that, make it a daily habit, I assure you, you will start to love your life even more.

When I tell myself stories, like The Ruminant also pointed out, I try to ask myself what can I gain from this experience? What has it taught me, what would I like to do different if it happens again and what will I need to be able to do that.
Confidence, self-respect, self-love, mildness, the ability to not take every little thing personal – that’s what I needed and that’s what I’ve been working on. Change your focus, it will help.

You said that this is not about you. And you’re right. He didn’t do this to hurt you, he made choices based on what he thought would make him happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.

So what makes you happy? Do you choose happiness?

I wish you lots of wisdom and mildness for yourself,
Karin

I would personally approach the situation first from a feeling perspective and only after that try to figure out how to communicate that feeling to others, if necessary. Words are a tool to express yourself, not to limit your experiences. To me it’s not about what I’m supposed to feel, but just to recognize when something might be a bit off and try to steer things towards a healthier approach. I would also say that both words “hope” and “expectation” puts to much emphasis on external things and gives more power to random happenings over yourself. So I wouldn’t really focus on either.

I’ve noticed that when I am at my most healthiest and happiest, I derive joy from my current situation and I trust and look forward to the future. The focus is not on what’s going to happen, but I just know that it’s going to be something great. It’s kind of like feeling gratitude for where I am and where I will be in the same time. Excitement and enthusiasm about life and about being me. When I look back at days when I was not that healthy (I believe the correct term would be “a total mess”), it’s harder to describe, because I was not quite aware of myself. I have realized that in those times I always wanted to escape the current situation and was either scared about the future or didn’t see it clearly at all.

I’ve also realized that trust towards other people and the world and the universe in general is directly linked with the trust that you feel towards yourself. If you trust your own abilities and you know you’re doing the best you can, then you know that no matter what external situations might arise, you’ll always have yourself and you can count on yourself. It’s also easier to respond to unexpected events when you know what you can and can not do.

When you don’t have a good command of your own abilities and you’re not quite in charge of yourself, then the world seems like a much scarier place, because there’s the feeling of loss of control. That’s when people start to try to control their surroundings to have some sense of safety, when in fact, they would gain that feeling just by focusing on getting a good command of their own mind and body.

I know this didn’t exactly answer your question, but I’m a rebel like that 🙂

Dear Aimee,

My dear lovely girl – you are so very, very unique that the world would not be the same without you. Ask you family, ask the people in your life. Ask yourself because you have show such maturity and strength in getting past all that and standing strong. Im sorry that your life has been difficult but man, are you resilient or what?!Please know that as hard as all this if for you right now, life will get better AND you will grow stronger and stronger. You will look back at your life in a couple of years and be super proud of everything you have achieved.

Im sorry uni in Melbourne didnt work out for you but perhaps you are meant to stay there in Adelaide for a reason that you dont know yet? Everytime something doesnt work out, KNOW for a fact that it’ll lead to something bigger, a lesson or an experience that will bring greater character. And if you want to go to France, DO IT! You wont know if it is for you until you go there and do it. You may hate it and come back in 3 months (highly unlikely) or it’ll be the BEST experience of your life! 🙂

For now, slow your self down..sloooooow. Try to make a list of 3 things each day that you are grateful for – it can be as simple as ‘a latte in the morning’ or ‘pair of $5 Rubi shoes’ or something deeper like the health of the people you love. Do it everyday before bed and you’ll see that inspite of all of the things that isnt going well, so many many things are perfectly in place (I do the same thing everyday as I pray).

And lovely, the world wants you and like the previous poster said, NEEDS YOU! And you will (WILL WILL WILL) be surprised at how things pan out. Just hang in there, be kind to yourself, be around people who love you, practice gratitude and you’ll be there in no time.

Big hugs, let us know how you go.

Cheers from Melbourne (Oh and you will SO TOTALLY be here someday soon!)
Lily.

Hi Eishita,
Welcome to this forum/site. I suspect mood swings are partially the product of your age and the associated changes that are happening with your body and mind.

I have learned that it takes time to change our thinking and behavior. I would say hang in there. Note and celebrate the good times. When you get your lows, go to your gratitude journal and take note of what is good about you and your life.

Be gentle with yourself and acknowledge what is special about you.

Metta,
Mark

I look for cultural immersion, a different language to broaden my linguistic ability and preferably a beach. Somewhere that’s not too lively but still has a nightlife of sorts. Oh, and of course beautiful scenery that really puts everything into perspective and heightens my gratitude to be here. 🙂

Clare,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how empty the world around us can look sometimes. Sometimes when we don’t have many heartfelt connections, our sense of isolation and purposelessness becomes overwhelming, and it feels like there is no hope. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance of how to find balance and peace. We’re born with a few instincts, but the rest we have to learn from our parents and teachers. So we get a mix of helpful and unhelpful patterns, views, strategies. Said differently, there is no shame in a full blown hands in the air “what in the world is happening, what is wrong, what do I do?” because finding a path to happiness tricky.

This is especially difficult when we’ve had a parent that uses shame as a punishment. We all make mistakes, and when a trusted loved one makes us feel bad for making mistakes, it can lead us to think of ourselves as flawed. As though something is inherently wrong with us or the world, and nothing can make it right. Luckily, that is bullshit. We’re learning and growing, and making mistakes is part of the process. Even big ones, sometimes.

But what to do in the here and now? Perhaps we find some acceptance of where we are, who we are, but we still have a whole life to navigate… some strategy to use, apply. So, what do we do?

Clare, you have an incredible amount of passion. Right now it perhaps seems like you’re lethargic, desireless, or aimless, but that’s because you’ve been suppressing your passion. Consider that you LOVE people, and wish to have deep heartfelt connections with them. That is such a blessing, dear sister, because your dreams are of connection, sharing… not diamonds and fans. But, because you’re in an environment where no one seems to be making the first move, instead of acting on that desire to connect, you choke it down. It doesn’t feel safe to just open up, and so you stay bottled up, perhaps lonely and hoping that you’ll be seen.

Buddha taught that the sangha (community) was one of the pillars of growth, for exactly the reason you’re voicing. If we don’t have anyone to share our vision with, our passion, our hopes and dreams… then we can begin to lose them, give up on them. When we were kids, playing with a doll or truck alone soon got boring, but if we had a playmate, the creativity would bounce back and forth and keep the story fresh and moving. Said differently, its no wonder you’re feeling ishy about your path, perhaps you’ve been playing alone for a long time.

To break free is quite simple, but takes practice. You become the light you’re seeking. Instead of looking and wishing (“no one cares about each other, wah wah wah”) we blossom and jump. Said differently, when you feel like your parents or siblings or friends aren’t caring, be the caring one. Be open, heartfelt, light. You see the potential, see how they maybe don’t see it, and try to help them see it through your example. For instance, say your mother calls you and talks about some empty gossipy thing. Instead of being agitated that she isn’t hearing you or seeing you, and is lost in some story, consider asking her to hear you, or say something to her from the heart. Gratitude and love often glow brightly for us, so if mom is chit chatting about nothing, and you retell some story from your childhood that shares how much you appreciate her, it could help steer the conversation to warmer, heartfelt things. With friends, often times the first step is in listening to them closely, letting their words connect to you, to matter to you. As we open our heart to them in this way, it often goes a long way to helping the relationship grow from acquaintances to friends. You don’t have to delve into deep secrets and so on if you don’t feel trusting, but you can be warm, friendly, open. Doing these kind of things can really help us remain open and passionate with people.

You might say that doing that requires a lot of strength, a lot of passion. Consider for a moment that perhaps the negativity you’re experiencing is actually your bottled up passion. You wish for heartfelt connection, dont act on it, and instead stuff the desire down. Then, the resentment you feel, the negativity, mirrors the strength of your wanting to connect. Said differently, perhaps the resentment comes from your needs going unmet, your passion staying bottled. If you uncorked it, not only could all that momentum put some spring in your step, but the negativity will decrease as the pressure releases. For instance, if you had 10 heartfelt moments with people, then one “meh” moment, it would be easier to get back up, smile, and feel content that you tried your best. Its harder when its 100 “meh” for every one heartfelt moment.

Finally, consider taking up a metta meditation practice. Metta is a loving, friendly warmth that arises in the chest, and is the earnest wish for people to be happy, safe and loved. It grows a deep heartfelt connection to yourself, and helps increase the glow of our compassion and joy. Consider that when we spend time thinking about happiness, we help produce happiness in the body. First we think the thoughts, then we feel the feelings. So, as we envision ourselves happy, other people happy, our emotions follow along and we feel peaceful, smooth and happy. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” if interested.

Remember, the family at tiny buddha can offer a spark, but it is your tender fingers that must grow your light. Namaste, sister, may you find peace.

With warmth,
Matt