Hi Jamie

Your posts are well written and articulate. It seems to me that within your writing are also your answers? “I enjoy writing” that could be a great place to explore?

Happiness, one of those words with so many associations, something we so badly want to grasp and cling to, where the grasping and clink transforms it into something else… usually not happiness.   The word certainly comes with a lot of baggage let alone when we add the word ‘BUT’.  I want to be happy, but….

I’ve often used that phrase in the past. I want to be happy… but… but I’m afraid to be… but I don’t think I deserve to… but life isn’t how it should be, could be, if only (ego, control)… but I don’t want to be disappointed when the moment of happiness passes….. Have you ever wondered about this one?  I want to be happy… but what if I’m happiest when I’m unhappy?

We are complex simple creatures.  Of course all these notions are stories, perhaps at some level illusions of our own creation. Stories we tell because at some time they are/were useful to us but perhaps now are habit. (A practice of meditation and contemplation can help detach from our habit of thought.)

The task, as you are engaged in, is to look past the stories and words to get to a place where you are (you are never not thier), and from that place find a way to say YES. Yes to yourself, your situation, your emotions, your thoughts, non of which are you. Those are just things you get to experience. The good and the bad, experiences with labels that don’t exist in a world that is non-dual and everything is connected.

If I may a comment on your statement: ” We don’t need to be kind and loving to toxic people, to people who abuse us and put us down. Instead, we need to set boundaries with them. Likewise, we don’t need to be kind to selfish, self-centered people, who only care about themselves. You can be kind and loving, but wisely, with boundaries.”

Just something I noticed  with your conclusion “You can be kind and loving, but wisely, with boundaries”.  Implies that creating healthy (wise) boundaries is a act of love and kindness for oneself and the other even those that have hurt us (the other is also ourselves) to which I agree and suggest a path  to become unstuck from your question? To set healthy boundaries with your thoughts, your past, your hopes… is a loving act you can gift yourself? ( Boundaries that don’t require labeling, if only’s , should of, could of… toxic, selfish…. One can set healthy boundaries without labeling)

Happiness I think, like Joy, isn’t something we create but a  something in a moment we get to sometimes experience and if we are wise express our gratitude for, breath in, breath out…

Happiness not something we want (desire) but create space for, no but’s… a extra place setting at the table if you will.

I hope you keep writing

Dear Quant

I note you describe this lady as kind, easy going but also  a liar & flirty diva. You are also  spoke of the emotions of jealousy & hate  aroused  around her “gifts” & lack of gratitude of them.  Do you envy lots of people & their situations or just her?

One set of advice is to look back and see if you have been obsessive about anything else in your life ie a favorite toy or book and now years later that particular object no longer holds your attention and so this too will pass especially if you turn your attention to doing something worthwhile like volunteering.

Another advice to help bring her down off the pedestal that you have put her on  is the phrase” just like me …… she experiences tiredness. sadness. hunger, loneliness & will experience sickness old age & death.

Hi Sprteflower – I like that username – what led you chose that, and did you intentionally leave out the i – sprite  – a small being, human in form, playful and having magical powers? (I wonder if its not time to embrace a little of the sprite in only to see what ‘powers’ such play might revel?)

We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality. – Seneca

Thanks for sharing your story.

Your post reminded me of something I read long ago

If you have a nagging feeling that you do no measure up to the person you imagine you ought to be, the generic label for what you feel i shame. We have shame when we persistently feel that we are not acceptable, maybe unworthy, and are less than the good person we are supposed to be. Shame is a vague undefined heaviness that presses on our spirit, dampens our gratitude for the goodness of life, and slackens the free flow of joy. Shame is a primal feeling, the kind that seeps into and discolors all our other feelings, primarily about ourselves but about almost everyone and everything else in our life as well. 

Shame can get us in touch with the most beautiful part of ourselves, a warning we that we are becoming a person we do not want to be, But shame is often an unhealthy feeling of un-worth that is distorted, exaggerated, and utterly out of touch with our reality. Most of us carry both kinds of shame – shame we deserve and shame we don’t deserve.  – L B Smedes

Reading through your post I suspect the shame your experienced is undeserved yet in holding on to this undeserved shame it is also a warning that it is this holding onto this undeserved shame that is leading you into being the  person you do not want to be.  The irony of being caught in a loop of being ashamed about being ashamed, trap I can relate to.

You mention – My path has been successful from the outside – suggesting that you have overcome the objective experiences of your past, a indication that you will continue to do so and to which you should give your self more credit. It seems it is the inner stories you are telling yourself that you can’t get past. In other words its possible that its language that is keeping you stuck in undeserved shame.

A meditation practice I like is creating space and stillness as I remind myself that I am not my thoughts, there are thoughts, I am not my memories, their are memories, I am not my emotions, thier are emotions, I am not my past, the past has past, I am not the words I use to tell my stories, there are words. The map is  not the territory, and words are not the things they can only point to, there is no requirement that I hold on the them.

<p lang=”en-US”>“You likely have parts of your own history you’d rather forget, same as I do. But when I actually wrote these things down, when I got up close and personal with them—yes, there was pain, and yes, there was hurt—by giving them a name, I stripped them of their power. And what I learned is that lies (undeserved shame) will always be worth fighting against. Because what you’re left fighting for is the truth, and that is the most freeing thing in the world.”
― Joanna Gaines, The Stories We Tell: Every Piece of Your Story Matters</p>

Hi Dave,

Work hard on those things she’s concerned about: 1) your negativity…get to the bottom of why you’re negative and fix that, 2) your tendency to allow her to take the lead on things…time to correct this too. 3) communication issues 4) not having independent interests/hobbies, 5) your defensiveness…maybe she’s looking for you to take ownership of some things.

It’s like you said, decide to be the best version of you that you can be. Individual therapy can help you achieve this.  Make the big changes in yourself! Decide to become a genuinely more more positive person (a gratitude journal can help), have your own healthy hobby that you do independently from her, communicate effectively with her, start taking the lead on things, be less defensive. It takes time. Be patient. Work on improving yourself every single day. Show her how important she is to you.

B

Hi Lorn

Hang tight! I know the perfect person to ask for advice about this. They’ve overcome their issues with desires. I’m sure they’ll be able to give some feedback tomorrow.

It sounds like the habit is pretty engrained and deeply associated with sleep. It would probably take a lot of time and effort to adapt to a new bedtime routine. Please be patient with yourself.

I would suggest reading some information about sleep hygiene and developing a routine that suits you.

Anxiety was a problem for me at bedtime. Over the years I’ve used different techniques.

Meditation might be better used at night once you’re more confident in your practice. It might be an idea to meditate during the day while developing the skill.

Non-repetitive music and melatonin (careful not to overdo this one though) helped me during periods of insomnia. Eventually, I developed an anxiety reducing routine. Lighting a scented candle, music on, grab a soft toy to cuddle. But anything that helps you relax and / or reduces anxiety could be helpful in a sleep hygiene routine. Nowadays, I do progressive muscle relaxation, a gratitude journal and meditation. For difficult nights, I find audiobooks helpful.

Hi Eric

When there are no special occasions you can always ask her out on a date and perhaps do some activities.

Realistically, this is your first relationship and it might end. But it is just the way these things are. Very few people stay with their first partner forever. This is an opportunity to learn about relationships and enjoy your time together. You may have other relationships afterwards, or you never know you could grow old together.

The issue is that in your anxiety you blame yourself. Instead of it being a normal part of life. It sounds like there is a belief that any hypothetical break up would be your fault. As you put it, for not being good enough.

I can understand this, I’ve also dealt with my own feelings of insecurity in relationships.

I don’t know about stopping the anxiety. But learning to live with it and manage it, so it causes you less pain are more achievable goals. These things do take time, so you will have to be patient with yourself and these feelings.

It would be possible to change the way anxiety expresses itself. For example, I used to be afraid that my partner would leave me and blame myself similarly. But now I don’t blame myself it has turned into a less frequent less painful thought that one day we might not be together for some kind of inexplicable reason.

How I changed was by regularly writing down the ways that I’m a good person until my beliefs about not being good enough changed. I worked on changing myself and becoming someone that I actually like. I learned to treat myself kindly as opposed to blaming myself all the time which is a form of self abuse. Meditation was extremely helpful too because it helped me learn to quieten my thoughts. Practicing gratitude helped me to develop a more positive attitude.

Would you like to try writing a list about what makes you a good boyfriend? You could write down anything you do with the intent of nurturing the relationship.

I can start you off with some examples.

You are thoughtful and plan ways to develop the relationship and maintain interest.

You communicate regularly with her.

You invite her to special occasions.

Hi SereneWolf

I’m glad that you find meditation helpful. Journalling for an hour is a lot of writing! That sounds very productive.

I find that I get stuck if I think over things I’ve had difficulty with. Unless it’s particularly bad and I can’t move past it without processing I don’t tend to journal about these things.

I love the idea of a gratitude prayer. I hope you don’t mind if I borrow that idea? I’m excited about the idea of writing my own personal gratitude prayer.

Wishing you all the best 🙏

Hi Rob

I’m glad that you’ve found liberation in Buddhism. Gratitude for the positive, acceptance of the negative and being. It’s all we can ask for.

I had a similar experience recently with meditation. I realised that thoughts are just stories we tell ourselves repeatedly and it was time for me to put some of those stories away.

Do I exist? As much as anyone else.

It’s unique because we are made up of our experiences and the people we have spent time with. We also have our own unique natures and gifts. At any point different people think of you in different ways with their own nature reflected in their ideas.

I do think there are very limited choices though. Our actions. If we don’t like something we can change. We learn and we grow. Although I’ve seen enough of life to have experienced some ludicrous circumstances with ridiculous odds.

Hi SereneWolf!

It’s great that you have a healthy routine of meditation and walking. How are you finding meditation? I found it tough when I started a couple of years ago.

I also walk every day and meditate for 15 minutes twice a day. I like to do a 15 minute stretch routine I found on YouTube too. I find that all of these practices help to manage pain.

I’m being very careful with what I’m eating because I’ve been having stomach issues. I noticed that emotional difficulties pop up when I’m having difficulty digesting. The mind / body connection is very interesting!

I find that keeping a gratitude journal helps with my mental health. Before evening meditation I try and list a few small good things that happened during the day. This helps me sleep and develops a positive attitude.

Dear born2flow/Denis:

First, it is AMAZING that you replied to my Feb 2022 post, a post I submitted in an inactive Feb-March 2014 thread! It is amazing to receive a reply from a member who had not been active in the forums for almost 9 years (March 5, 2014 was your last post, next post was yesterday, January 10, 2023)!

I didn’t yet read your update, and before I do, I want to refresh my mind with what you shared almost 9 years ago (more than a year before I knew of the existence of tiny buddha), therefore I will summarize what you shared (with quotes) in early 2014:

You shared that you were “feeling kind of lost and searching for something, without knowing what it is“. Your parents divorced when you were 3, you were raised by a “very strict and demanding” mother, for example, in regards to your grades at school and in regard to not drinking alcohol. When you were 16, she left you in Russia while she worked and lived in Hungary for 3 months at a time. She left you in a big, 3-story house with minimal money (even though she was wealthy) so that you don’t party. At 17 or 18, you started to “go out with friends, have couple of beers, party, made house parties“, and to make money, you took on part-time jobs after school and on weekends, but that wasn’t enough money for your lifestyle, so you started selling drugs, mostly weed, eventually becoming “addicted to pot and smoked it daily and consumed extasy or speed every weekend at parties“, while all along being “the best student in class, won some chess cups” and  “had a lot of good friends“.

You graduated high school, went to university where you studied software engineering, rented a flat, moved out from home, and “got a beautiful loving girlfriend“, all along, still selling and taking drugs, smoking weed during the week and ding party drugs on weekends, and attending a part-time cover up job at a cinema. By the age of 24, you realized you were “good at selling drugs“, but “not really good at software engineering“, and that you had  “poor IT knowledge“. Next, you found a seasonal receptionist job in Greece. When you returned home to Russia, you finished your studies, reduced your drug dealings and took on jobs as a translator and a tourist guide.

Next, you and your girlfriend moved to Budapest, Hungary, and you found a job there with stable income, and celebrated your 5th year anniversary with a trip to Miami and the Bahamas, but sometime after your girlfriend broke up with you. When she broke up with you, you started to improve your life “in all areas at once: tried to stop smoking, doing sports, drinking less, consume less weed“, doing better for a couple of weeks but always relapsing: either smoking weed, tobacco and/ or drinking alcohol, having a roller-coaster emotional experience of life, “not sure if it’s over, but I’m feeling much better though.. Sometimes I feel really great, with a lot of energy and good mood. And sometimes, I am getting depressed“, you wrote in 2014. The main hold drugs and alcohol (mostly weed) had on you at the time was that they were the way you rewarded yourself “at the end of (a) productive day“, and you were afraid that if you got clean, if you abandoned drugs and alcohol, and delved into self-improvement and spirituality, your social relationships would suffer, particularly your relationships with girls whom you met “mainly in parties and I think these girls liked the old ‘badass’ me.. they will think I’m weird/ nerd“, you wrote back in 2014.

You also shared that at the beginning of January, 2014, your mother stayed with you in your flat, you “told her almost everything“, and she told that she regretted causing you pain. You told her the same, and the two of you “kind of rebuilt (the)  son-mother relationship… I felt like if I had thrown a 100 kg bag, which I was carrying all the time“.

This is it as far as my summary goes. In my Feb 2022 reply to you, I wrote to you: “this 100 kg bag indicates how important a mother is to her boy… From my experience, it is not that easy to remove such old, heavy weight off oneself, the relief is temporary and the weight returns. It takes much more than apologizing… It takes a process of healing which takes months or years of intentional, persistent and patient work and the weight very gradually lessens and lessens”.

And now, I will read and reply to your update part by part (how exciting and what a unique opportunity): you are very welcome and thank you for taking the time to post this update!

“I must say that you are right – I was naive thinking that all the pain, and neglect, which I experienced in my childhood, would be solved by one deep conversation“- that would have been wonderful, if that was possible. It is way, way easier and faster to destroy a person’s well-being than it is to restore it. This is why the Buddhist principle of no-harm, or do-no-harm makes so much sense.

“It was just the beginning of a long and still ongoing work. I had to get back to this topic at different points of my life“- I find this work never-ending, but not in a bad way: there’s always more to learn. I find these two verbs synonymous: to learn and to heal.

“I found out that I suppressed my negative emotions toward my mother. I felt like I kind of ‘must’ love her and whatever she did – was with the purpose of giving us the best living conditions“- the latter, the thought that whatever a mother does is with her best intention is called convenient thinking, that is: thinking what feels good to think. But it is thinking that is true to reality that promotes healing.

In regard to your negative emotions/ anger toward your mother: little boys and little girls feel guilty about feeling anger toward their mothers. This guilt says: a good boy never feels angry at his mother. We carry this guilt into adulthood and it stands in the way of healing.

“I wanted to feel that we have a good, strong, loving family. I wanted to avoid/ignore the fact, that my father does not reach out to me (while I missed him), I wanted to feel a loving connection to my mother (while our relationship was rather rational, with a lot of fear on my side)“- as children (we don’t have a choice on the matter), we twist our thinking any which way, aka convenient thinking, so to feel better. We ignore what feels badly, and we think what feels good. Convenient thinking helps us survive difficult childhoods, but in adulthood- it maintains sickness.

“At different points of my life, I was visiting psychologists and also a psychodrama group. The goal was varying: to address my addictive behaviors, another time a burn-out at work – but it was just the surface and a lot of work was actually done dealing with my childhood“- we keep re-living our childhoods in the different context of adult life circumstances and behaviors.

“It was quite painful and the process is not over yet (although I am having a pause right now) – first I was feeling really sorry for my little self, kind of felt the unfulfilled childhood need for love, intimacy and safety. Then I got really angry at her and whenever we met, I felt very-very annoyed with her small actions“- I was angry at my mother for so long… it overwhelmed me and distressed me to  no end,  to feel so much anger and yet to hold most of it in. I wasn’t able to not feel angry at her. After my first significant therapy work, I felt even angrier at her. In my mind, it was either her or me in my life, can’t have both.

“I believe that she also tried the best she could (but not what I needed the most) – but it’s rather a very rational level“- most mothers don’t try their best for their children. To think that they do is .. convenient thinking and a myth.

“Now I feel kind of sad about it, as I am not sure about the next step. I always want to be there for her and support her throughout her life“- you want to be there for her and support her throughout her life, but she did not want to be there for you and support you when you were growing up.. she didn’t really have to work in Hungary, did she? And she could have- if she tried her best- to be kinder to you.

“On emotional level I don’t feel that true love and connection.. I neither feel gratitude and feel that I should – but it’s fake“- if you removed the convenient thinking from your thinking, you wouldn’t feel the guilt. You would be free from a false sense of debt and obligation.

“I was thinking if we should have another deep talk about it – but I’m afraid to reveal my thoughts and that I will hurt her and she is going through a very rough period for a while now“- you are afraid to hurt her; when you were growing up, she was not afraid to hurt you. If she was afraid to hurt you.. she wouldn’t have, time and time again.

“I was thinking to accept that this is how our relationship looks like and just keep supporting her in the way I can, hoping that I’ll gain more positive feelings towards her eventually“- I tried so hard to accept my mother in my life and I failed again and again. In order to maintain a relationship with her, I had to accept what she thought of me (little) and what she felt for me (frequent disdain). How could I possibly be mentally healthy while maintaining these beliefs about myself?

I last saw my mother in May 2012… two years before you posted on tiny buddha. I knew then that I couldn’t have her in my life and heal. I knew that the cost of keeping her in my life, was keeping my sickness as well. I chose then to never see her again, and on March 2013 I chose to never talk to her again (on the phone).

Interestingly, before ending contact with her, I thought that she will feel terribly hurt and suffer because of my decision, and chase me so to resume contact (I still believed, conveniently, that she loved me; that I meant a lot to her). Surprisingly to me, at the time, it was not a big loss to her and she never even asked me to resume contact. Thinking now what is true to reality (not what was convenient to think before), it is not at all surprising: she didn’t really love me; I was not something or someone that made her happy when I lived with her/near her all these years..  why would it be a significant loss for her not to have me in her life?

“This is where I stand at the moment. Will come back with another update in 8 years.. Thanks again for your post, which triggered me to reflect. All the best, Denis“- thank you, Denis, and all my best to you!

anita