Anita,

I hope you are doing well this week.

It has been a difficult week for me.

In regards to my fear of being powerful, i don’t mean it in the sense of controlling others or having status. I mean it in the sense of of a fear of feeling like I matter or have worth.

This week has been a rollercoaster I meant to post here sooner in the week. I am meeting up with my mentor (old therapist) today for some tea. Hopefully i can get some guidance on where to go from here.

As soon as i got in my car after my last client this week, i immediately burst into tears, and remained in a triggered state for a about 2 hours that night. Despite my clients actually making big improvements, and expressing gratitude for the service i provide, I felt awful hearing about their good fortune. The main trigger for me at work is discussions of money. Some of my clients make 2x-4x more money than me, yet I can barely afford to pay my bills each month on my therapist income. I didn’t take a single week off work last year, and I cant say enough just how exhausted i feel. Hearing about people who make double my income by sitting at a desk and sending emails all day is making me bitter.

I’m starting to have regrets about choosing this career path, and im beginning to become jealous of other’s peoples good fortune, which leads me to ask myself questions like “what am i doing wrong? why don’t i deserve to have a saftey net? am i stupid? it must be because im worthless?” So this week has been a real challenge to remind myself my value as a human being is not determined by dollar signs.

The other thing i haven’t really talked about is dating. I met this wonderful girl about three months ago with the intention of just being friends since she is polyamarous. We have spent alot of time together and she is genuinely a kind, vulnerable, and empathetic person. I told her last friday when i seen her that i wasn’t exactly feeling an attachment to her, but i really like spending time with her and hanging out. Sunday she told me she had covid, which is okay she’s doing alright, but i’m going out of town next week and she’s leaving for California soon. When it hit me that i wasn’t going to be able to see her i became very sad realizing i do have an attachment to her and will miss her. It also sparked up some jealousy, since she lives with her partner (whom i’ve met) and they get to see her where i wont.

All this to say i’m quite a mess of a person right now. From my basic needs to my needs for love everything’s fucked. I’m so tired.

On the bright side i have been very intentional in trying to soothe myself when these negative beliefs and heavy emotions are overwhelming me. There’s a real battle going on inside of a part of me that does not want to grow past the safety of telling myself i’m worthless and the mature part of me that knows i’m worthy and lovable. I need support at this point for the latter part.

When i’m in these mood swings/emotional breakdowns i have been talking to the hurt parts of myself from the inner parent in me, saying things like “there’s nothing wrong with you, you are lovable, you are worth more than any amount of money, etc” all while having rapid flashbacks of painful memories. I swear I am trying, as bad as things may feel for me right now, i keep reminding myself i am leaps and bounds from the person i was just 5 years ago, i don’t cut anymore and i’m way more self aware, and i’m trying my best most days.

I’m also wondering if cutting back from alcohol, porn, and weed while increasing the frequency of my meditation and journaling practices has anything to do with the intensity of the emotions i’m experiencing right now. I don’t feel numb at the moment, i actually feel very present with every inkling of feeling/thought/sensation that arises in me. I do feel like i need some kind of break although the next two weeks are packed for me, with a training and then taking my licensure exam the week after.

Dear anita

Yup it will be a in-person dinner gathering at my home town. I have tinted sunscreen that might helps in covering so it shouldn’t be an issue, thanks for the suggestion, I shall bring along the concealer that bought not long ago too just in case. This morning I’ve been start preparing for documents needed to cross country, finger crossed everything will be going smooth next week.

I try not to think about blushing and other reaction, I need some self confidence, probably will write some gratitude journal later

Dear Anita

Ever since I experienced betrayal and painful breakup from past relationship, I became paranoia and its hard to trust people anymore. It somehow affects me till now. This current guy friend has been an artist with lots of fans, sometimes when I see fans commented on his photo that he’s cute I felt jealous. He is also friend of other artists and there is one talented pretty lady who is successful in her art career that I often compared myself with, and felt envy. When he doesn’t text me in long hour, i guess he’s been texting with many others people, and that’s where the anxiety stems.

it is possible that he prefers a long-distance almost-relationship over a committed, in-person relationship

From my understanding of his past relationship, it started from him getting close with his ex girlfriend as a coworker -> it leads to more texting -> eventually they got together after getting closer. So I worried this would happen in his new working place too. By the way I finally able to go back hometown soon (2 weeks later) and will be staying there for one month. Will see how we progress from there.

I wonder how a gratitude journal can help your sense of self/ self-esteem?

I’m not too sure as this has just started for the 3rd day, I’m trying to acknowledge and appreciate every action taken by myself that helps in self growth.

 Is there no way for you to socialize in-person with people?

Sometimes I socialize with other tenant of the same household, but the interaction is minimal. Once every two months (in average) I meet up with friends too. Aside from that, I have video call one a week with parents. Most of the time, I’m alone when going out for movies or grocery shopping. I’m still looking for ways to meet more new friends, and recently looking up for yoga classes hoping it would fill up my time a little.

Dear Anita

Thank you again for taking effort to look back previous post, much appreciated

And you’re right that what happened between Dec 2020-Feb 2021 is occurring again this time, its just the same timing and same reason! I understands its not realistic to expect the same texting frequency as previously since the ‘relationship’ is not as new as before, but sometimes its still nerve wracking thinking that he might lost interest and now he got a new working environment that he will meet new colleagues/friends.

He has spent lots and lots of time communicating with you daily for close to two years, so I figure that he is emotionally attached to you and is likely to increase the communication current communication frequency after he completes his personal project

The fact that during Jun-Dec of 2021 we have been texting a lot, to the point he sacrifice sleeping time just to have the night talk, almost everyday. I’m utterly grateful for that. And then we slowly run out of topic, and in mid Dec 2021 he mentioned he has to focus on personal project, and that was when the frequency starting to drop.

//

 it is possible that he prefers a long-distance almost-relationship over a committed, in-person relationship.

It might be true because he mentioned he needs lots of personal space before. Currently I’m suffering from loneliness after working from home for 2 years, most of the time there is nobody I can talk to, I’m socially deprived and has no life. Which can contribute to my neediness towards him.

//

What about the online therapy you mentioned last year?

It’s still on-going since March 2021 till now, the therapist thinks that he has been quite consistent and stable, its mostly my overthinking and low self-esteem that causes so much suffering. I’ve been practising CBT for the past month, sometimes it helps. And now I’m just getting started on practicing writing gratitude journal, hope it helps in improving my sense of self/self-esteem.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by Notebookb6.

Hi TeaK,

Thank you for checking up on me. Also thank you for the suggestion, I’m watching right now and I appreciate it so much.

I’m not doing that well. It’s been difficult to deal with my anxiety at school, it holds me back from my studies and making friends. So I’ve been feeling a bit lonely recently.

There is something that bothers me almost every day. I’m not sure what it is, so I’m wondering if you know.

I feel I care a lot about other people, more than I actually should. Now I’m not just talking about caring about what they think of me, which stems from my anxiety, but I care about them and want to connect with them. I feel this way with almost everyone I see, every single stranger I wonder how they are and spend so much time thinking about their life. Basically, I empathize with everyone super easily.

I think this might stem from the fact that I crave a deep emotional connection with people. And also because I so badly want to feel fully understood and loved unconditionally. I’m not saying I am not understood and loved, I am! It’s just that I crave a super deep connection with people in hopes of being understood by them and also understanding them. I think this is because of my lack of self-worth and self-love. I know that no matter how hard I look, I’ll never find someone that fully understands me. Because it’s impossible to understand someone completely! I think I’m looking for this connection with myself.

It’s really hard dealing with these thoughts because not a day goes by where I’m excessively empathizing with random strangers, without even saying a word to them. I just wonder how their life is, how they’re feeling, just based on actions. I get so caught up that I forget to take care of myself and think for myself! It’s almost like I get so immersed into their lives, I feel myself becoming them. This also happens unconsciously, I don’t mean to daydream and think about it, but I slip into one anyway.

I’m not sure what this is and where it comes from exactly. I’ve tried looking it up and seeing if other people feel this same way. When I notice myself getting lost in someone’s life, I try to ground myself and think for myself. But it feels weird doing that, (maybe because I’m not used to it), or because I’m afraid to be alone. I’m not sure. I don’t mind being alone and by myself with my thoughts, I just want to feel appreciated and understood while I am alone. Similar to how my ex appreciated me. Sorry if this is confusing, I don’t know how to exactly explain it. Some nights I feel so much joy in my heart that I am basking in unconditional love and acceptance. This happens at night, when I am by myself, sometimes after meditating. I feel so much gratitude in my heart and everything makes sense. But lately, nothing has been making sense. Especially during the day, because I have to go outside and it’s frightening. So these thoughts all mix up and bother me every day.

I’ve been trying to look for some resources and someone to talk to. It’s been so hard, I can’t afford a therapist and I’m looking for a counsellor that I can speak to that can empathize with me and just support me. Honestly, all I’m looking for is a strong support system. It’s been difficult so that’s why I’ve been feeling a bit lonely. To add on, I feel like some people in this world get so caught up with themselves and their lives that they forget how to empathize and be compassionate towards others. Some of my past counsellors were like this, as well as teachers, and it was disheartening for me because I realized the world is a cruel place sometimes.

It’s hard feeling safe in public, I feel afraid and alone. It’s scary. This does not make me feel normal 🙁 because I feel like I’m the only anxious person in my entire classroom.

I just need someone to empathize with me and understand me. It’s really scary doing that by yourself, I feel afraid talking to myself because I don’t know if those thoughts are mine or not.

Sorry if this was messy, this was just a thought dump because this has been on my mind for ages. It’s hard to put these into words. Again, thank you for checking up on me. I had not responded because I was very busy with classes.

Hi Anita,  I dont understand life, i dont get it. Im older now, i should have the opportunity to give support and guidance to younger people because ive made it. like my parents (except not like them) just to have the opportunity to say, here is what is going to happen! I think i always thought, if i just work harder, if i just put more effort in it will pay off. If im just nice and patient and believe that everything good happens to all of us and sometimes there are bad times, if i try harder, if i just try to squeeze myself into a certain personality maybe the guy wont leave, maybe the boss will treat me with respect, maybe the colleague wont be jealous. My dad raised me to not rock the boat, to keep my head down…it doesnt work, the jerks are out there laughing always.

Lately, ive put so many hours in that i cant do more…its like the wolves are circling and salivating, its crazy right now. Im not the kind of person to react my emotions but im suffering for it..people just being abusive.

For example: Im overrun with multiple clients, on top of that we are expected to bring in listings for new properties but there is no time, also to manage the sales process which can be over months. One client ive been helping has been SO much work that i honestly think my brain is being picked so that they can start their own business…at the same time i cant say that for sure but they wont make a decision, they want certainty in THEIR decision from me and i cant give it. Its stupid. Ive spent almost a month working with him, he brings a friend along and she scrutinizes everything i say, they ask me questions about my life, she was even leaning over my shoulder to see what i was texting on my phone during a visit, non of her business!!

Another is an owner of a house, i am responsible for their contract which i fought hard to get but they are very arrogant, i warned my colleagues to be quick with feedback, seeing what kind of people they were and unfortunately one agent upset them so much that they called me and yelled down the phone that not only my colleague but I was unprofessional and that i had ALSO not been working well with them and they had had enough. They spoke to our manager who i was not able to warn in time because she would not answer her phone. After they finished yelling at everyone…i got a call some days later, much calmer and subdued asking to work with us again, but ONLY with me.  In other words, i now have to be available to take clients of my colleagues. This means i will still be the punching bag and my colleagues now dont want to send clients there in case i get paid something.

So, my small wins.

My gratitude today…if that is all there is for me in the world, was that an associate we work with a lot, “sort of” stood up for me today when i was chewed out by the latest angry, arrogant and greedy client who was “unhappy with the service”, he was furious almost out of nowhere…and i smell an unjustified complaint in order not to pay us..People are real slimebags that way.  Im supposed to be on holiday now but that doesnt matter.

We were standing with the client and he was complaining. The associate said to me not to leave just yet then said to me in her language (which the client cant understand) that he was an A** and that she had so many difficulties with him, that it was almost over and repeated i was NOT to worry about what he was saying. Maybe she could tell i was worked half to death and couldnt take more. He stood to the side of us and i could tell he realised she was on my side. On the other hand, when speaking to him she didnt defend me, she just said the issues were not a problem. To me she said basically she had enough of him too and not to worry about it.

When people are kind like this its such a shock.

What is interesting about this person is that many years ago, i had made an amazing sale, possibly the highest our agency has made in the last 6 years, and just as the contracts were signed and everything was certain and i of course worked my ass off as everyone sulked and looked jealous..my boss decided to give this associate a bit more money, which meant i had to receive less.  This was local politics or whatever, this woman asked and my boss agreed. I never forgot that, after that point my view of my boss changed, at that point i knew, i was part of the hamster wheel not a wonderful colleague.

Today, as i felt weak and defeated and grateful this woman had said these things, all i could think about was, that this was a payout for that previous damage…..

But yeah, small handouts of sympathy…do they lead to happy ever after? or just cover the wounds.

Speaking of laughing jerks..while i wrote this, some of my esteemed colleagues were on whatsapp making veiled comments about my friends´success. It was obvious they were jealous and making little stabs at her, she reacted..not too strongly but made it known their comments were weird…its this kind of lack of support, lack of team and mean little comments that we both hate. The others are much more typical sales people…like men in a lockerroom (one is a woman). This by the way was way after working hours. Our boss´reaction? to say that we can expect adverse people in our environment and to keep believing in ourselves. While thats really a nice thought…if you SEE and HEAR bullying in your office, how would you deal with it? i think i would deal with it directly.

Dear Anita

Thank you for your meaningfully truthful message to me. You have this gift of clarity and getting to the guts of things.  I really like that!

It is true that she could abuse us when we were kids as no one held her accountable. We were little and utterly vulnerable. No way to defend ourselves. Therefore easy for her to exploit within the walls of our house. Cane marks were hidden and I used to go to school with elastoplast in several parts of my arms to hide those bruises. She hit us to vent her anger – not to help us be better humans. Perhaps she did not understand how else to release her own frustration.

Yes, what love is – in the bible – was not what we received then, and neither is that what we receive now.

I think we continue to care for her – because of a sense of obligation and guilt. And also, forgiveness? Aren’t we meant to forgive someone?

My 2 siblings (brothers) are looking after my mother now. They are in the same country. My twin brother lives with her and deals with her everyday.  I am the ony girl. And the youngest.  Hence, hugely disappointing for my mum that I now live a life independent of her.  And I have, in the past, told her what I thought about her abuse and affair with the married man.  I could do this as leaving her – to study and work in another country – has enabled me to look more objectively at our childhood. It is hard to comprehend how selfish she was as a mother – to abuse her children the way she did, and then to allow a man to further abuse her children.

I have withdrawn “somewhat” emotionally from her since a few years ago after she did some unkind or cruel things to deliberately hurt me.

It was then that I delved deeper into this abusive narc thing. So, I am fortunate that I did that – and at least, called a moderate halt to her abuse, albeit temporarily. I grew!

The last time I visited her (about 2 years ago), she cooked me a fish knowing that I was allergic to it. She could have killed me. I was sick for a few days. I confronted her on that and she said that she “forgot” although a few days before that, she reminded me of my allergy to that very fish. I never know if she did that accidentally or deliberately. I am not in her head. My twin brother said that she never fed them that fish for years and it was only when I was back that she cooked that particular fish. The evidence points to her deliberately doing that – but maybe it was pure accident. It is utterly confusing Anita. I wonder if you have any thoughts on that?

It is hard to see my mother objectively – so many mixed emotions, early conditioning, and the tether to my other family members that I love.

With gratitude

DC

Dear Anita

Thank you again – v v much – for your care and kind advice! You are a saint!

Yes, you are right about what you said about injustice – thank you for correcting me!

Also, thank you for sharing with me your own experience with your abusive mother.  I appreciate that v much!

I look forward to reading your thoughtful messages Anita despite how tough they are. They force me to reflect deeply while reliving my rocky experiences with my mother. You have really helped me probe into my childhood and its effects on the adult me. No one has ever cared so much! You are a truly kind and generous person!

Anita, what you have said is all so true. However I find it next to impossible to go no-contact with my mum. Sorry to disappoint. Instead, I think that I will write her messages to show that I still love her. She needs the assurances as she is now frail and elderly – and has health issues. She keeps wanting assurance from me that I still love her. She says that she prays for me every night and hopes that I return to being a Catholic – I was brought up as one but no longer believe.

Perhaps she does love me in her own selfish way. Or perhaps I really want to believe that. While there are tiny moments of love or kindness towards me, they are largely swamped by her abuse.

Each time she does the nasty on me, I would go no-contact and she would apologise. Although I realise that her apologies are her way of getting me back into her realm. And when I do, she starts being abusive again.

She is like that, perhaps because of her own childhood and biology. I don’t know that it is her fault. She is unaware and has this inflated and false sense of herself. Hence I want to be a little compassionate – while protecting myself from her abuse.

Given my now heightened sense of awareness (because of you!), I have my guard up and will be very calm and unemotional when I speak to her. Following on from what you wrote to me, I have been listening to a few videos/podcasts on narcs. They cannot change. They may not be bad people. They just can’t help being the way they are.

With gratitude,

DC

Dear @TeaK,

Thank you for your detailed input. I highly appreciate that.

Actually, I think he did find me like his mother but he has a lot of trauma attached to her. She had a brain injury when he was 13 and since then she is totally dependent on his father. She struggles with short term memory and gets annoyed when people don’t entertain her. His family struggles a lot because of that and all the kids are truly traumatised. So that explains his annoyance when I was weak and needy, maybe it triggered him.

He did tell me last year Nov (5 months after the breakup) that he thinks there is no one as kind, forgiving and wonderful as me. He said he thinks I am close to Jesus as a spiritual being and I am the most important person in his life. To be fair, he also had just asked me if I would allow him to have phone sex with a girl he met on Facebook. It was quite confusing. I felt like I am being tested. I said I have no right to say yes or no coz we aren’t together but he did not let go till I replied to him. I know he would not have been able to be calm if I was seeing someone (he accepted that) but he was quite jealous since the beginning. So I didn’t question that behaviour.

I will go through the questions you asked now.

 

“I felt really guilty when I didn’t get the job and he said No too.”

I didn’t understand this: did he say No to you moving with him to his new location once you didn’t get the job you wanted?

He said he did not mind me saying no to moving with him since I was caught in the moment. I was about to get a job I was dreaming of for a long time. He did feel unimportant but he would ask me to shut up every time I will apologise. That is the reason I told him to accept the job in the Middle East coz I was guilty of doing that to him.

 

“I tried to talk to him about it so many times but he said he doesn’t care and it doesn’t matter. He said he had forgiven me”

I don’t think he has forgiven you, and it has shown in his reluctance to talk about marriage and your future together. Also, he reluctantly followed you to Berlin, only to leave 20 days after you’ve arrived.

Berlin was his plan. When he was about to come to visit me in my home country he made me write on a sheet that we will move to Berlin and we will have a wonderful life and pay my gratitude for that. But you are right, maybe he was reluctant and angry with me. I asked him so many times. I even asked him if we should see a couple’s therapist so that he could talk but he refused it. I was worried he might resent me but he didn’t want to talk about it.

“It was the most devastating thing ever but he promised he will take short term opportunities and he will keep berlin his home base. I agreed but then he started keeping away from him since I was angry. I was angry that he left me alone in a place that was supposed to be home.”

Here you sort of “betrayed” him again, because you agreed for him to take short-term jobs abroad, but then you felt angry at him. But I guess you were angry not because he left, but because he wouldn’t make any commitments regarding your future. You felt his hesitancy and it hurt you: ‘For someone who constantly kept talking about wanting to have a family with me, he was very hesitant about getting engaged.’

I am sorry I made a mistake. He started ignoring me since he thought I would spoil his joy and that made me angry. I was mostly annoyed that he did not want to discuss our future. He wouldn’t even talk about how long did he want to work abroad. I would have appreciated it if he said I am going to be there for 2 years but he never had an answer. He would say is this not enough that I say I am committed. Tbh it is but then he made promises for starting a farm in Italy or work on a farm. Now I guess I was supposed to do it alone and he would come there for vacations. That was not what I signed up for. So yes it hurt me. You are spot on.

“He used to come to visit me every 1.5 months for 5 days, in the house I set up for us and he would be enamoured by it saying that he loves that we have a home.

He wanted me to build a home for him.”

It’s like he saw you as the strong, capable mother, who’ll build a nice home for him. He appreciated the house in Berlin, but he still resented you. I think it shows that he saw you primarily as his care-taker and provider, and not as an equal partner. He loved that he has a home base, from where he can go out into the world and explore. You were a safety net for him, not an equal partner. And he didn’t want to get married to you, I suppose, because he resented you all along for being dependent on you so much.

I don’t know if he resented me for being so dependent on me. He resented me when I would not like to do things his way. He always wanted to do everything together. He wanted me to be part of everything he did. Go to places he goes to, listen to songs he listens to, watch what he is watching. I explained to him a lot that it’s not bad that I do not enjoy doing everything with him but he was very stubborn about that. So I am still unsure about why did he resent me but you could be right. When he started pulling away his first statement was ” I don’t need you” to my statement I love you, need you and want you. I didn’t mean the word ‘need’ the same way he did but I was shocked at his response. Two weeks before this happened he was writing to me about how he is very lonely and wants to talk to me, while I was busy with my sister’s wedding.

You are on point with the rest of the points. It brought a smile to my face. I guess it is the truth, I didn’t want to accept that he was expressing everything he resented me for. I am normally attracted to guys who are reserved. My ex was not that, he was different. He approached me when normally I am the one who would approach the guy. He was so sensitive and vulnerable it was refreshing. He would also tell me I am quite beautiful. In my past dating history, the guys would tell me I have a charming personality but they only fell in love with me once I started talking :). I do tend to put them on a pedestal and take the caretaker role. This one is a lesson too. I have only learned more about me after every relationship but I am also exhausted now. I mean will this self-improvement through relationship project ever stop. Anyway, I know it’s silly to say so. We keep growing and evolving as human beings but I tend to always look for my forever person and fail miserably. I need to let go of this idea and start to get out of this scarcity mentality.

Only recently, I came to the conclusion that my ex did not love me. The breakup made me feel rejected. There was also a lot of gaslighting and that makes you question your existence when you are vulnerable. I feel I have better boundaries now and I would be able to make better choices.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my long post. You made my day with this honest breakdown.

Hugs,

Akansha