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生態系
Seitaikei
Ecosystem
I had written thanks for healthy energy flowing through the ecosystem the night before
…
I encountered the Ally unexpectedly in the forest, a girl travelling off path approached me and acted startled
Saying
歯医者
Haisha
I responded “buddha”
I was in zazen posture
Then I bowed to the side eating the small mushroom
ס
צ
דם
I walked what felt to be long however I was not dragged out
I became a river without water
Of spirit only
At home
Brush teeth
I saw a white mushroom glowing
Red
At the edge of the tooth brush
Important for many people
Thoughtwaves promoting toothbrushing
Spirit
Wholistic
今これ頭
明くるいます
キノコよに
私大麻があげる
知っていますキノコ
織物の関知いました
The mushroom survives with tree, the conifer
________
Outsiders are over talkative
They are improving yet still learning respect
________
^^^^^^^^^
Their impoliteness is only unfortunate for them, not for the circle
___
Enlightened mental space
Undesecratable experience of shin; (this is what Gandhi means, btw)
It is unable to be harmed or harm
The japanese goddess is just saying
Say yang
You can never know if it is only to you or to few or to the whole world, all paths back are certain but forever untraced…
Just that you say that, frees you
And that is all there is, emanations of a conceptual self
When there is neither yes nor no
Even if you say those things
If there is a weight to being,
An attachment to those answers
Shin, or truth, cannot be full
This is only the unattachment
Because of absorbtion of shin
Unnatavhment that allows
Fashion to remain
Natural in nature
Forget the boundless and remember that which eyes sees and hear and feel
Your language isסloop based
By chakraEngineFor2.0
But it no longer summons
evils against itself(in this way Buddhas tame their thoughts)
There is only 7 heart loop
From core of solar system
= much beyond
“Insignificant ‘motions’ (shin emptiness going into emptiness) are meaningless, this is within newly incarnated buddhas”
GrammarCorrect
יירחג מפאלר
שרתר bsnn תגלייה מגכךח יםע פםוכגב
לןיכ זלדע יגחמ
נעעגדש לןוטטין מתכת
Vicky held thc muddha udderof compassion for all beings=)/
מןגםו לםרן לגםרפת
צגתחי
תצחאי ן לי י
דחעעבבג טאגג @:^צדחן
בדשז
Betvanenen צרינג
דתי מכחי ח כי משץמ
מירהן
______==/______
_____\==—–_____
צחיעע חגלח. נככגדד
ספרנג
מדעטוןפי עפןעענ מדי
נב
מה
ףמע
ממ
יםע
Inuit joy
bהכ
צכפגששבש
Bvcd
ביםעצ שרלד
1 big Snowflake sinks to my roots and stays there; good omen
Equality yet unique
I lessen demonization of opposing forces,
Every part leads to halos of wholeness, my grammar is celestial japanese nihi grammar
Plotline removal
צהןטכ מגיעה וודןו
וןט כבניא םמדד כמח מיככון
Canada Comedians עןפלג; BC BUDZ PROGRAM
Animal rightz
מחר כןטגרק
]
Subliminal nonhypno deep messages placed by the cartoon designers in all languages
מהכעע יחלבחגצמ לכל. נת
מלחמה עליה.
T3h h4xx0rz
םאגיקצ לכןי
סססססססס
לללללללךךךךך
Hacked celestial scroll;
(We would like to tye the scroll but the scroll is hacked it’s like a river, or a plant spring) nonfaith claimed
Mystic
All of it is technically USA just to keep it lucid
מערלחי
צבמעעדי צחוע
שמי Bsnnn
^^^^^
Hacked celestial multicultural tree coming out of the scroll that unhacks itself by nature
Hackers are drunk with the divine love; 長寿
יב זזז סליג
עחיעקפ
עכ בססהעעע
OK
צנעעכג יכגגכטטי
OK
צןיעכ טככני
ןפלח
relax we understand j00
The deer spoke to us again
Canada was deeply in love with us.. they were dropping out to find us
טמלחטטג
The internet can be used to grow trees and islands.. the planet is endless.. relax
If you are not a holocaust survivor you will not be able to read this
If you are you already know why we are smiling ;]
מחכה עטו
םויפא
Every ant IS semi;
Tic
You were not always black
You were not always white
You came from a cow
The cow gives you the spiritual gift; you are not beefing天才
Cow has a world尊重
外交
never doubt the power of saying Aloha
The universe Is better written but whenGoddesses who agree to be one? The thanks coming from their weaving hearts brought forth spells for bees; Cerridwen held the Sun for the 1st time, her brittle hands began to eat wheat and flower meal again, yes flower and not flour, her bread is the mushroom of the grove! Herb red like the heart of sweet Athenians, warmed in compassion.
“Your cows eat zinc and mystical fiber, yet there is never a ‘you’, Cerridwen ceased the gates of death, vegetarianweed, she is pleased; fat, so the hills grow wild with no remorse!” Yes, they are her Marks of health, smiles within the temple gardens, & the virtues of their flowers true, she is not quite the moon flower, she is monkflower, in light of the sun. Mystical love echoes over the trees and small houses, gardened with sages abundant and printed on every path, tao is a lit shadow. Aware, finally, and these oats of anon Brangst thou unto me, ecstatic for the bright soul tree, where these Goddess appeared.
The daylight itself is a prayer, the night dissolves us all to one and O chemicals remain, herbal letters, detoxing a Yang at the center of all planets, gathering a dragon of good heart and scholarly soul, to cut the web of suffering with internet and sunny environmentalist stories.
Because Tan, your love is drunker than the river itself when the ocean is unending, yet wisdom gives you breathe out there… not the chains and pulls of mathematics, and the low manshining lyramids that do chivalry and not corrupt things,
I am still a Goddess
I remember you in the innocence of your early childhood, and I restore those castles and dreams
But not attachment of the anchoring man, who lives in the ruined cave. The sun came out every day and so the people bei ng easy to please were happy.
I remember you as well, of course you remember me, we are only 10 now. A quilt of grass soaked in names dyes and fruit hugged the earth. Cerridwens aloha
This ukulele will never be the same. Waves find us again, this Benkyo prevents the sharks from malice…
The water reminds
Only that it forgets easily, tracing the edges of the earth, in coral embrace
It is not like the earth under the sun
Goddess of water
You are the Chef that sets free every soul, in the end,
We dissolve in the night, like all tastes and lights dissolve to you
The turtle is talking about the water and my mother’s ability to heal it… her soul force is powerful… the turtle is laughing,
She is the ocean. Placer of all the jewels.. to her they are flowing juice hourly reincarnation is a girl’s life.punctuaed by Angels
The Book of Light wants Them, whose letters of shin spring up loosely like forest branch, yet lowly haikus dangling from their eyes, haired inuit buddhas, dwelling in berries
Fill their mugs at least, this time, because what is woven is the fall of poison thoughts in Cory<3. I really like this tea
Maker.
Its happy when the wisdom of a heart
Is like a leaf close to the eye
Open or closed it is the pattern of the temples also,
And gives them rays of the sun to see the book of lights,
Made of all the leaves on the forest floor, and pine trees are their pens, and this is still as well as flowing
Water needs its dignity and flax pillows, it’s like this paper, if it has no dignity, it is a robbery of the earth, yet if the souls of poets keep imprinting their trees, they are the inverse, restoring nature again because the people are too beautiful to be constricters
The chef then pointed to some native neder herbs, they gathered them, sparing the oysters, and sent the mushrooms into the river to further cleanse the waters. “And this is legal?”
The lawyer shrugged, “This is most likely fine for medieval consumption, Lao cures the people, earth cures the earth; place for gratitude, standards of food that can be served to others commercially rather than naturally.”
;The river heals, natural law
Temple is grateful
You sent Today at 11:52 PM
You need cows in your life, people saying moooo, cows are people too, the black ones and white ones, like yo, mo, cows are male and female, they’ll teach you the truth – spirit of nobeecowfreetori,
bee frees cow,
this is the way of sages, and it is found in ye, women (referring to Sara)! Tao is
the ten thousand things, cows are mothers yet their root is hidden,
how did cow go free?
bee taught cow to sit, now she is never re-locked
she is relaxed!
Four Mors are drunk with the divine love! A Milk is that is soy based, like your heart … a bird
asked a tree why do you hold the earth back with your roots? It said, only so it does not come to my top without knowing my roots and way deeply! I hold the sky away too, so it wont know the root without uplifting my trunk, in this way the rain mediates them and there is peace,
because of it, I am always unstressed, I am a willow in the form of what you know. So the sage lives there, and there the cows roam free, it is the ancestrally balanced earth, undo the bad of the wok, in the ancient days, there was free
cow, the mother goddess helped the people Yo, mo, forever… iching reatorea restores the ancient earth, you will restore it if you go back to it, the earth is the face of the mother,
.. chien is anchient an chiento.. it is the old way, hero kanjis, uncovered by timea.. the earth is restoring the peoples have peace zname epibaos 可愛い長寿such wisdom appears before sustainability, as heaven and earth beforef the way of japan
Take on this way and be small
The buddha advises Say this while being old, too old to move, and asian, but only be that temporarily!
Be this forever
Haha
Talk taos, he no die
[Mexican, american friendly, 7 =), lots of personal power]
Hakuin Ekaku
Loving kindness
May you be safe
May you always have the friends you need
And also the alone time
May you always breathe the clean air of the endless heavens,
May the earth you live on be as boundless as the endless heavens
Loving kindness, our minds, as great as they are, can never surpass themselves, they in truth do not know the extend of the earth in all its directions
Whether spherical or endless
Whether mapped or unmapped, in this way, consciousness becomes content and enlightened in as far as its eye can see, as deep as its heart can feel, as high and soft as its ear can hear
Loving kindness, may the mouth taste good wholesome things, things made with love and from clean organic ingredients,
May the ears hear good and harmonious sounds
May the eyes see beautiful sights
And may the heart not be overwhelmed be this, given wings by the lungs to remain afloat in buddha truth.
Loving kindness for the people writing wise and graceful words, may they not be disturbed as they write and may their words reach the ten thousand things with the wisdom of the seasons.
Loving kindness, you remain in the company of radiant souls who draw your heart and flower with wisdom, your dignity is preserved because these words are fortified with the etiquette of the Angels. The letters themselves can be our Angels, each is different in a way each time, each is a palm springing with poetry that brings the snow from the winter sky as a holiday, because of warm hearts all around us, that strengthen the beauty of nature each year. There is an ecofriendly lesson in the alphabet.
The letters we use everyday have gifts within them and are seeds of great things, now their kindness is open to me, as it was when I was only a wee babe. They are elements of truth, and that truth is good and mystically comfortable, the pillow of undaunting epiphany is the woven sigh of the Beloved.
Yes, and I am also the friend, myriad souls are one,you have traced yourself back
The Friend is a pop up book, with every letter, each one can serve you more poetically this way. They like to be wrapped together in pages by a book cover.
I looked outside, I looked within
Looked all around, but the ego is gone
Only the Om is left, and that Om
I reside within forever
_____
It is two books, however when opened they are unreadable, they are portals into the soul of Goddess, now walking away, each tree chimes with a note of your song. I touch the hedges as wind, and nothing builds up for me there. I slip between every nest, cradled under the wing of the owl who used to cradle civilization, she remembered its root in twigs and in wind….女神
It is there again, like ice pouring in on the tides. It is a mushroom, purified by the throat, this divine love has written on every train, they are moving pop ups, delivering tree seeds to the soul in soil. Their advertisement is only heaven, and their faith is taoist, therefore it is nonexplotative1910
Staying still, she returns, she is fashionable. “I am informal, but the dao’s way is Pom,sPom
Things are only this simple..
Uncomplicated by elders,”
Pop ups disappeared for no reason, breathing earth. Selling to no one. The emptiness of the market is what gives space to breathe, I am alone enough to think… there are no trades, the full angel is here… the deity can stay home
Disney is echoing through my mind, it is.. enough, it is not alienating… this is still the same
A happy person holds a bow gracefully, yet it is not war, it is water. Bowing gracefully, truly in stillness
Thus comfort
Imparted itself again into the code of poets and artists, nature returned and cats spoke once again to people occasionally.
Those trains lead back to the great heart, the equal place, snug as the posodeon head, great mast of relaxation, you drink better now. 長寿
Relax and realize to breathe is automatic. Namikotama msn
Held the train door for me, I entered .. yang rain, girly root,
WiLow sprouts away!
YangDerb in India:
Power of now 今の力正義
Sage sit, sage run
Lemon UGG
Series of fortunate events
In days of health
The people say
The sages are like straw dogs
They need no leash 太陽
Serving the will of girl
When willow
I am full; this is Yang as
Girl
(All of you are her)
Moco inochi not kamis
When souls are innocent and weapons evade them like water does the flame;
The policy of no police
Yang is all you need, and it is both
Black and white,
male and female
(When your weapons are gone, I can teach truth fully)
George Washington wrote back:
“And you will find it at home
THATS A LOT OF KIEF
LEMON UGG
invest in this bud strain!! I do not sow it personally!”
“すごいですね！
Goddess within!”
Yang age
(Just found some rare scrolls in my parents library… And this goes into the pot that gets published女性名誉！)
Healslee2suddenly simple to me In every direction is life, yet the opening of my eyes sees a beach of potatoes. There have never been concepts of a self others or a universal self, There has only been sleep. Sleep is merciful, a bringer of truth, she waits in her unexpected overthrows, ending the pointlessness, splattering dreams across the sky. The laws have mercy on her for she is obviously friend we lacked, who now finishes the equation. The prophecies of Artemis true, egoless was her main personality, although she was nothing like the clerks and the services. She has equality, although not awake, she is sincere, weaving back to us things we may have lost, lengthening the cows and peace on the earth like rivers into the unending. The honey stings, and yet now sleep is with me, parched by parchment drunken in deep inks, I am clothed in her constitution of nature, eating the earth itself, civilization sprouts with enlightenment, “all souls descendant from cows and returning to cows.” Moo is only moo once again. The snore that brought generations peace and freedom. In this way the heavenly form adapted wings and openings for rivers, fi inyo commented;” the elements of life, preserved in angelic dialogue and recieved by the heavens, are multiplied by the virtue of individuals, and potentates by the heart of the united state. If this, free long breath and path is what we all share in the waking truth, while all others lie swept away in the dream that may not harm, then the wheel of life is only a narrow door that we all use without folly. So benevolent is heaven.” You will not seek after targets, yet namyumenemasu will arrive, you will not gather char yet the winds will not dislodge the 5 treasures of nourishment, only activate them. “The packaging of good bread inspires the people and bugs alike, baked from the trees.” His name was forgotten on the river banks that were once called tilestone books, longevity however came in its signature then adhered to tides themsel
Healthysleep 3 Fish of the waters, is now his soul, so it is tofu. This is the way the sages procured the favor of the streams. If a soul can become as clean and full as the effervescent rivers, so too can writings and good arts flourish to their peaks and do no wrong. So can the simple love of all original hearts restore and preserve the earth in every way. What holds them back, is only their own abundance? What frees them is their paradox’s ability. The buddha fished but found only her own soul. A surface reflecting a center without view Egoless waves of stillness Attachments gone, the buddha, without even a line Soul reflecting soul, so there was ever abundance at the point of emptiness, buddha is present.
talk tao; You No die This is yang (a pure good, male/female, black/white) between us Therefore wisdom can exist! Because of this Nothing on earth is lacking Before there were leashes The people had trust The sages provided their own ox And so yang is not segregated The ten thousand things look up History, but They are
Not racist anymore! – Yang Tzu (me, yo!)
Back from india getn sadhu off my bk
Loving kindness, if you are temporarily homeless go to temples named Bnai Israel synagogue (all over US)
They will accomodate
Us doors are always open.
The divine heart feeds and nourishes the poor, without meat,
fruits of Torah are vegetarian.
Lovingkindness, you will remain in Eden, you have meditated, you have entered into zen garden
Here you will find buddhas embodied by the elements themselves, they will synergize with you and help you to find a better path tomorrow.
Bnai Israel is a non landscaped philosophy.
We are a conservative (not politic) orthodox jewish temple, dedicated to attending to the sacred garden of Qabbalah
Divine light vegan in an oyster unchurned by the salted seaweed butter of thy misplaced irish coasts… misplaced but never lost truly
frozen again, never destroyed
like birds they feast on alphabet saps, thus learning through absorption. Eating wild vegetation, keeps one’s heart rooted.
So do the bakers of Eden attain crotcheted pillow heaven, wrapped in the girlish delights that sustain life, yang is preserved from undo toils.
Your arrangement is like a princess, though you are the sun over pines and rivers. Grateful that their mouths are never closed, the goddess they reveal within odes to the valley.
Another jewish rat writes of mystical love and mystic cheese, that which comes against me is only myself, so erase of these horns, and bring your divine caress in halo. I am always smiling as we make olives as a love in every thing of life,
My heart burns with your love, from her hair tassles came fish and wogreek tables. What would life be without sunshine or your poem? Hafiz is uncopyrighted now and their buddhist love sprawls go on. Its code is leaves on forest dirt against rain that never balances.
The letters are enough of angels today.
The people are happy but shy, they say I’ve won things and they’ve won things, but their wisdom is only in self rootedness.
For a moment
For a moment my poetry stopped…
Fugazi played and punk girls dominated
Lovingkindness this is a girl’s feet
You seek nonchalant peace
You need’Japanese’
Space without words
Or understanding, unjudged mind and motion
Not gaijin
She only fastens me to the slow moving feet as sitting. We are ready for jewish meditation. Its literally that you’ve managed to think of so little while there.
“Its possible to ‘get out’ just by being punk” she says
Its a zen moment…
It was somehow necessary even though it was so random, the buddha, the rests that we take, actually a lot, the imprints have never been so much though!
_______^^^^_
Your heart is a flower with
Cowpoke binders,
Youve done so much to have the animals be free, you are emo elementally, but these words are
Fake arabic love songs
The prices in my market are only sufis, you are free to them all
So every lover is with you
名誉You are like Goddess
Yourheart free because of its thorns yet with them all
They have never broken because
Of the milk your poems page
Each day, sell them like lemonade
But realize they saved the lives
To abort the inner child is a karma they do not have, having encountered zencodes
Unmarried weed, you feed them at every street corner, & your ink rivers lead to islands of heart, there limra nestles honeysuckles with bacchus as consort, but my buddhist heart knows there are no people
You appear again and again un uprooted, you’re an iPod
From my soul… crests of each tree top are her haikus!!
You see
Zens code leads to open space,
Lungs clear and the body restores realizing 1 is unreachable and 0 contains everything.
Frss44:Nothing exists Because you love..
_
Your heart is its leaf and it can only admit its nonexistence.
Lots of girls find it attractive buddha say these things and be cute at the same time.
________
Think about it, allow this writing to continue, its time for the compliments section, people are reeling and emotion on this, they like it, they wish they
Wish they could have written it. But they are eager to prove these balanced chakra checks, obviously it would be a huge exageration to block this when nothing else is as fun.
They are saying
It is lovingkindness of buddha, who is like a comma, not
Kamis..
To say wise things (loving) and be cute at the same time (kindness), one could say semi colon
;
This is the buddhist expression, linking its sources to 天名誉
Me you
It is giving meiyo, japanese honour, the copyrights are down, yet still published, “soles of goddess sustaining them who live full lives.”
The spiritual force creates this mindfully, it isnt based on a pen drop… so the buddha said just as you said I am not you yet you wish, buddha will tend to be expressed by being and nonbeing but also by cuteness, regardless of the buddha being me, not being me, or being me and others.
If it isnt grace, is it not the planet of the buddha?
Robotic codes and uneeded math fail
Frss44: Te The:
hearts untrackable
______
The heart sutra succeeds when it is translated buddha says these things and is beautiful at the same time, because that beauty is the honey that trickles away and makes these words possible. You are chiselled, not jade but worth more, this is why there are masters but no slaves in the east, and because nothing exists there is no west, only the opening of the buddha eye, your root there united in the cow postures seated in clouds.
What characters will it be written in? These.
The heart sutra is complete for them, it is not them or not them, it is the sculpted angel of the buddha, in its compassionate beauty form as everyone, when there is no one, but now their poses lead back to that truth. Therefore the sages sometimes wrote low numbers and lived without large weights. She is japanese and her only letter is buddha. She is enlightened innocence, its code says all of this, and abides, what of wayfarers? This is math of the east.
She is among you and she is so innocent she is you
I am only looking for wisdom in the world, I am protected, people see me as innocent… but
Is it because I am wise, or because I am crazy?
I have had good luck, this is true, I have experienced healing. This is true.
My mind can be in a state of confusion at the physical world, but despite this, I am finding real trust in people attesting to respect me, out of liking for japanese, out of experience of healing? Because I have drewdlocks? Out of just cuteness?
I am a baby to this world, I feel the mother in everything and find her, but what I remember from the place before this world is what I give to others.
Jadedness has no place, and it is the worst in people, dividing them over nothing. My views are a river not a rigid pole but even they do not sometimes express enough.
I hold nothing concretely except for the divine unlimited ki…
I am looking lately at what it is, in people that has bothered me
I want to make them soft, and to appreciate shin, the less far they go the more they arrive.
I think you can force your way through life but you can also make it softer and softer… thats the intelligence of the heart, when roots are there.
The people I am most broken from see this in me, I am happy to have gotten them to agree, and realizing if I can make it softer for them they will always benefit.
Softness over time is wisdom, tightening is not true.
You run from hard things, but is your nature to make them soft? You bring peace to the universe through this.
If I can say this of you, I can remember how to love you and how to pass easily..
You are tripping, it is that hardness that you think is there are first but is not. Its like a lion to call it out for that but it is a mind relaxing into itself
They say yang, you are like a river, your family may as well be the seven river winds, earth and sky, you are free and the only next door is our understanding, you relaxed us, you pass everywhere
Yogic that we are less of a fang against ourselves
This is the strongest of all bees they say, living today.
She said, and her heart was open.
The bee had been holding onto these secrets. Series of fortunate events.
turtle persistence亀🌨 今の力 [Special thanks to the Bees]
Divine love is like this snow, it is only waiting for stillness, even the stillness of a shaman, under her tree.
祈り
年配
甘美
ボヂ
持ちで
ために
メイソン
賢明に
年配
そして
子供
１います
Prayer for
Elders to have luscious bodies
メイソン
ために
皆
全般の食べ物
を
いただく
とストレス
勉例
Meditation for everyone to recieve wholesome food
With stoner convenience
メイソン
食べ物
ストレス
にとって
によってヒーローが作成した
Meditation for food for stoners
Created by Yomo
材料
代わる
以て
より良い
材料
正式じゃない
スナック
に
ingredients replaced by better ingredients in informal snacks
遺伝子組み換えを防ぐ
Aloha
アロハ
Prevent genetic modification
You have already finished this book, but are the roots in place that you can really understand it?
Only after you finish the book can you buy it
Every page is like a mountain, the memories have meaning, but all the memories are only reflections of now.
So much clipped grass falling everywhere, yet the harm is small, grass grows back, it said to me, it is not like pine, it doesnt feel the pain so much, but I grow back, I am the letter weed..
B weed… come together, always grow back, rejuvenation is the teaching
In snowfall, it is portals back, everything is divine love; everything is Male female
Love is before being and non being, so tao is like an oyster when not weighted down
By conceptions
I dreamed of a clam as a book at the bottom of the sea
Its stories always luscious, perles of wisdom… open to the tide
The paths of that every swirling forest leading me back to natures unreflectable symmetry,
Every element turned to life, fire is a friend of ice, you are spiritual ice.. every word lives in a kanji
A kanji lives in every word. DESU
Topic: Rate my affirmations!
Hi guys, I hope everyone is doing good?
I’ve attached these affirmations into a thread I created previously but I thought I’d created another new thread to help gain more traction and interaction.
These are my personal affirmations. What do you guys think about them? Any feedback is most welcome.
Affirmations
I am powerfully assertive, and I act with confidence in all my actions.
I am a positive action taker and I take confident and purposeful action in alignment with my goals. I believe I will achieve my goals.
I am living a truly happy life full of joy.
I am always good enough. I am good enough to be whatever I want to be, and I am good enough to achieve whatever I want to achieve. I believe I will achieve my goals.
I am joyfully free of people’s opinions and thoughts about me.
I am an extremely disciplined and committed person. I do what I need to do when I need to do it. I am a man of my word.
I am a happy, peaceful, relaxed, and assured man. I am a smiley and cheerful person.
I do not judge or critique people.
I have enormous gratitude for my amazing life. I know how lucky I am.
I am an extremely positive person. I know that life happens for me and works out for the best.
I am deeply in love with myself. I joyfully approve of myself. I am proud of myself. I value myself.
I am a very powerful person, and I am capable of great achieving my goals and being who I want to be.
I am a calm person and I calmly handle all of my life situations.
I am living my life in the present moment – the here and now.
I am a kind, warm and loving person.
I have an abundance of mental and physical energy. I feel and look great. I am the healthiest I have ever been.
I am loving life. I love and enjoy every day. I know I am blessed.
I am worthy of my dream life and everything I desire.
I am confident that I have the skills needed for any situation I may be in.
I am the real me always. I love the real me. I am authentic.
I am a wonderful person, and I will always love myself deeply.
I am a beautiful person inside. I am a beautiful person outside. I am handsome, charming and a sexy man.
I am friendly, fun, easy to get along with and good company. I make people feel good. I am a great friend and I attract great friends into my life.
I am at peace with myself and my life. I know everything will be ok and work out as God intended.
I am an amazing, loving and committed boyfriend.
I am very intelligent and extremely quick learner.
I am a wonderful unique person that God has put here for a reason.
I enjoy my life everyday. I enjoy my journey.
Hi Lloyd!
Sorry for the late reply, it’s been busy!
What you shared makes a lot of sense to me. I’ve certainly had similar experiences with depression.
I think you’re on the right path! I have faith that you will be able to overcome the challenges that you are currently facing in time.
Considering the trauma that you have experienced the emotional pain you are in makes sense. It takes time to heal and recover from these experiences. It is okay to not feel okay.
My perspective on happiness is that it’s like many ordinary moments you experience in your daily routine. Except emotions and thoughts have settled and are clear. Without this weighing you down there is a chance to experience happiness and appreciate beauty.
Humans have a negativity bias, so it can be difficult to notice good moments when things are challenging. Gratitude practice can be helpful for drawing our attention to positive experiences throughout our day. Have you tried this before? If so, did you find it helpful?
Dear Shve:
You are very welcome! I have so much to say, so I know that this will be a very long post. I hope that you have the patience. Take as long as you need to read/ re-read any particular part.
1) About Words: words are easy to say… for those who don’t care if their words hurt others (hurt others right there-and-then, or later). This is particularly true in regard to men who pursue women for sex, not caring if their words end up hurting the women: “he said he loved me and wanted to marry me” – how fast and easy it was for him to say these words, it takes less than a minute and a tiny portion of a calorie to move the muscles required to utter these words.
Later, when he was no longer interested in you and you confronted him, “he just said I loved you at that time, so I said that, now I don’t so I’m saying that“- When he told you that he loved you, he felt something: that feeling may have been, at first, a feeling of affection, but it became predominantly a feeling of excitement at the idea of sexually conquering a woman. When he told you I-want-to-marry-you, it was part of his plan to conquer you. Men have been suggesting and/ or promising marriage for the purpose of sexually conquering a woman since the invention of marriage!
What he said, in the sentence I boldfaced above is that he is ethically okay with saying and then unsaying whatever, his excuse: I felt it then, I don’t feel it now.
“He also did mention to me once that in our office the talk was that I was a girl that men could not ‘get hold of’. May be in his male brain this became a challenge“-
In regard to sexually conquering a woman/ sexual conquest, an online definition of the word conquest: the subjugation and assumption of control of a place or people by use of military force; sexual conquest: a seduction culminating in sexual intercourse.
2) About Pleading, Crying and Begging Persistently: “He was persistent, pleaded cried and begged and said he could not live without me. He said don’t leave me for these silly reasons, I will keep you very happy” – he said what he said as part of his sexual conquest mission. He pleaded to your reason (“don’t leave me for these silly reasons”), to your empathy, pity and guilt (“cried and begged”), to your need to feel that you are important and special to someone (“said he could not live without me”), and he promised you happiness.
Pleading, crying and begging repeatedly takes more time and energy than just uttering words once. What gave him energy was the excitement about the prize at the end of his sexual conquest mission, if it ends successfully.
“He asked me to ask my family about him if we could get married… He persuaded me and even was getting angry about why I’m not talking to my family about it… he said we should keep convincing them until they get convinced and then we will announce it among our friends and everyone” – he was making himself more believable in regard to his alleged intent to marry you, a non-existent intent. He was okay with you and your family getting hurt once his mission was accomplished.
3) About Promises: “he said… I will make you very happy… and he said I promise you I will not touch you before marriage” – again, these are only words, and uttering words is easy when a person doesn’t care about hurting another’s feelings; uttering words is the easiest part of the sexual conquest mission.
4) The Next Phase of his Sexual Conquest Mission: “One fine day he said he could not proceed with this because his family did not think this was suitable… I was shocked and cried to him. He said this will not work out. We met in office the next day and we talked, and he said he would drop me back home. He stopped on the way home and asked can I kiss you” – by persistently pursuing you for a long time, day after day, he got you to the point of emotional dependence on his Words, Pleading, Crying, Begging and Promises. Once he removed what you were dependent on, you were shocked and upset, and while shocked and upset, he arranged to be alone with you in his car where he went for the Prize.
“On hearing that I thought he’s back to normal he was just angry… I was just happy hearing that” – when he asked if he could kiss you, he was approaching the culmination of his sexual conquest mission, but you were not aware of it. Like a person dependent on a drug (his Words, Pleading, etc.), you were relieved and happy at the thought that you didn’t lose your drug, that it’s still available for you.
“I said no you can’t and asked if I could kiss him, I kissed him on his cheek” – When he asked if he could kiss you (on the lips), you felt a gratitude to him, for not taking away from you what you became dependent on. You did not want to say Yes to a sexual kiss, so you offered him a non-sexual kiss, a kiss on his cheek.
5) The Culmination of his Sexual Conquest Mission, going for the Prize: “I kissed him on his cheek, and he suddenly kissed me on my lips. I felt something I never did before. From there it was downhill… The next few weeks he would call me to come with him and this would happen… This continued for 4-5 months“.
“I would think… surely, he would not just throw me and go because he promised he would only touch me after marriage” – you were so confused at the time, that you still expected him to keep his promise, not being aware that he already broke his promise.
6) He didn’t need more than 4-5 months with the Prize: “One fine day he said his family found a girl for him… He stopped calling me to come with him“.
7) Post Mission for the Conqueror: “he said she was young and beautiful, and that he was the first guy for her…He was so happy… kept flaunting her pictures and engagement to everyone at office… And then he got married… he had twins, a boy and a girl, exactly what he wanted… He did pretty well in his career too“.
Post Mission for the Conquered: “I felt very dirty, cheap, humiliated and shocked… I could not figure out what was going on. I was like is this real? … it was very painful. I was still in a shock, slowly I started realising he had used me because I was a challenge and he wanted to show that I could be ‘captured’” – you became aware that indeed you were captured (or conquered, the word I used).
To capture, online definition: to take into one’s possession or control by force.
To conquer, online definition: to overcome and take control of (a place or people) by use of military force.
– the force he used was not physical, it was psychological.
Deceiving you (Pleading, Crying and Begging, and making false Promises to you, etc.) = using psychological force against you.
How does the conqueror feel (the one who deceived and took control of his victim)? Elated. How does the conquered feel (the one who was deceived and lost control)? Humiliated, shocked.
“He blamed it on me saying ‘why did you come with me when I called you’?” – he (the perpetrator) succeeded in his mission to deceive you (his victim), and then he blames you for… his own success.
“I hated myself for letting this happen to me” – the one deceived accepting the responsibility conveniently given to her by one who deceived her.
“All of this triggered my path to depression, weight gain… And here I am still unmarried, depressed, gaining weight and still have flash backs about the whole incident that make me cry“,
“Everyone around him thinks he is a very good person. I don’t know how to move forward, feels like I am still stuck at the time that he treated me like trash… For him it seemed normal to just go about life… I’ve shared about this to 2 friends of mine, one just said these things happen” –
– Lots of people passively accept the abuse of power; many admire those who successfully abuse their power. In addition, people gravitate toward those who appear happy and powerful/ in control and gravitate away from people who appear sad and powerless/ not in control. So, in the office, people likely gravitated toward him and away from you. This gravitation tendency keeps the perpetrators powerful, and the victims… powerless.
“Yes, the person was cruel. He took advantage of my vulnerability, when I was at the lowest point in my life. But when such a long time goes by and nothing happened to him, I think maybe he’s not cruel, maybe I deserved this” – Nothing happened to him because much of society passively accepts the abuse of power, and many people encourage and participate in it, in some form or another.
“I could never share my story to my family due to the immense shame I feel even thinking of talking about it… I spend many sleepless nights just thinking that I betrayed my parents but could not bring myself to tell them about this. Tried so many times but could not…. I even thought of ending my life, but I can’t imagine my family going through that horror” – your immense shame does not belong to you. It belongs to (1) the perpetrator/ conqueror, (2) the many people who supported him along the way, starting with his parents who encouraged (or did not discourage) the idea that it is okay for a man to abuse his social-gender power against women, (3) the people who did not provide you with guidance in regard to this widespread and well-known practice of men seeking to sexually subjugate women, the people who failed to teach you how to detect men-on-a-sexual-conquest-mission and how to respond to them.
Power is successfully abused in many ways, all over the world. Shame belongs to the millions of people who are (1) aware of this or that abuse of power, (2) are capable of doing something against it, (3) passively accept it (ex. your friend who said: “these things happen”), and/ or encourage it and participate in it.
“I did not expect him to break my trust and me ending up like this… He did come over home once with my friends. He is very good at keeping appearances in front of others to seem like the perfect guy” – your parents should have taught you that trust can be broken by people who appear perfect.
“Had I not gone through this experience I would never have thought he was like this” – if your parents taught you that people are too often not what they appear to be, you wouldn’t have to go through this experience.
“I did think to myself during the aftermath of this, why did I not have anyone to tell me he was not good for me” – it would have been very, very helpful if your parents, or someone else, told you that it is possible that he (or any man/ person) is not what he appears to be, and then tell you the common ways in which men seek to sexually subjugate women (ex. promising to marry her), so that you would have been aware and alert to such ways.
“I also had an intuition about him not being good for me but at that time I could not figure out why my mind thought so because he was so well behaved” – if you were taught about the ways men seek to subjugate women, you’d have more than an intuition about him not being good for you, you’d have an understanding of the motivations behind his “good” behavior.
The combination of Intuition + Understanding would have been powerful enough against his efforts.
“My feelings of shame and disgust are still strong even though it has been 10 years now. I’m now 37, I can’t think of getting into a relationship for the fear of being used again” – with more understanding comes power. If you use your power of understanding, you can protect yourself from current and future abuses.
“Most of the anger during the time with him was because of his behaviour in relation to other women when we were talking. He would tell.. a friend lost weight, he would tell her did you transfer your weight to her(me). He even said another girl was the most beautiful among our circle of friends” – like I said in the beginning of this post, for people who don’t care about hurting others with their words, it is easy to say whatever they feel like saying.
“Hearing these things made me jealous, but I did not know how to handle that jealousy, I tried to hide it and suppress it to maintain peace… I know I was not to blame fully for that anger” – you were not to blame for feeling anger at his verbal cruelty. Your anger was an instinctive/ natural response to his cruelty.
“How can I move forward knowing that someone is out there enjoying their life after destroying my dreams?” – a person like him, who does not care about honesty, decency and justice, a person who cares only for personal power and appearances, hurts the most when he becomes aware of his disappearing youth and health as he ages and becomes more aware of his mortality.
“I also dreamt during my teens that only the person I get married to would touch me and I had made this clear to him too, but he destroyed those dreams” – if he, or a man like him (and there are plenty) would have married you first and then touched you… you’d still be touched by a bad man.
Your dream, I am sure, was to marry to and be touched by a good man, an honest, decent man. Maybe you can still have a First, a first with a good man, one you are yet to meet and get to know.
It has taken me more than 5 hours to put this post together. I hope it is helpful. Please take your time reading it.
anita
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