Last spring doesn’t seem so long ago; don’t beat yourself up too much about “not letting go of this ancient drama”. It’s fairly recent, imho! Big crises need big time to move by. You say you “shouldn’t be so angry and cared”, yet you feel the way you feel and you are the way you are. Imho, that’s a-ok. You have the intention to move on; that’s great imho.

One useful thing (sometimes, in great emotion, I forget this!) is to write a gratitude list out, or mentally create one. A daily gratitude journal, if you don’t already have one, could be one key to help you move on in the way that you wish to.

Good luck! Bonne chance!

Hey Tinyzebra,

Going through the same… very much the same… only we were together for about a year and a half. It was long distance at first, and things were wonderful when we would see each other, (about 2 weekends a month) and when I moved closer, (not necessarily to be with him, but for school..) things were good at first, but I realized since I was in a new city, I depended on him a lot, I was so vulnerable and homesick that I think it turned him off. He goes through bouts of darkness, as do I, but I think his is worse. I at least do what i can to work on myself, (meditate, write, etc)… and he holds it in and it creates a monster out of him at times. I never wanted to change him, he is a strong person, but when he goes through that darkness, no one can take him out of it, certainly not me. I had already accepted him, with all his faults and flaws, I know all too well that you can’t “change” anyone. But what I failed to realize, is all the “red flags” all throughout. Sometimes he would be more distant than other times. He would only want to see me when he was in a good mood. He would go through moments where he was very vulnerable and warm with me, and then all of a sudden he would turn ice cold and distant. At first I thought it was cause he’s a gemini (dumb, i know!) but then I realized, he’s just messed up,.. and not even I can do much to help him get out of that darkness. So now… it’s been 3 weeks since I decided that I needed to move on with my life. He has been distant with me, so I have been just as distant with him. He asked to see me but then changed his mind… (not sure what that’s all about.) But, I can’t afford my sanity to worry about him, when I really just be directing the energy towards myself. So… if I’ve learned anything these last three weeks it is,
1) Open up to your friends. While they can’t tell you what to do, the reflection aspect of opening up allows you to hear your situation aloud and makes you see things for what they are.
2) Do things that make you happy! (I have been taking dance classes and going out to dance & enjoying the music & arts scene in my city.)
3) Write what you feel, but also write what you want for yourself! Be optimistic. This will pass. There is someone so wonderful out there for you that you just have to believe it and manifest it into your life.
4) Practice gratitude. Yes, be grateful for your experience, it is teaching you many lessons. For me, it is teaching me that I am stronger than I thought, and that I do have great coping skills.
5) Cry if you need to, but once you do, more forward.
6) MEDITATE! It has been my SAVING GRACE!

Okay. Keep your head up! I am going through the same right now… so far, no-contact has been the best option for me. Smile. Do you. Love yourself! You are enough!

Best wishes!

Tinyzebra, I can relate so much! And let me tell you, I felt a surge of admiration for you when you noted that you deserve more than you were getting from this relationship. What strength you have! In my experience, what you are feeling is quite “common” as far as wishing he’d call and then beating yourself up for wishing that in the first place. I think it’s important to keep in mind the things that troubled you while you were in the relationship. And yes, it was a relationship, whether you officially defined it as such or not. While you don’t want to dwell on negativity, sometimes it helps to keep a realistic perspective instead of focusing on those happy moments you had with him. My relationship ended in December, though it was a very painful last year+ before that. For my birthday in April 2013, my partner gave me a journal. I was excited to have a forum to write my hopes, dreams, daily gratitude. To express my creativity. Instead, it turned into a 160 page catalog of all the pain, sorrow, anxiety, frustration and disappointment I experienced in that relationship. I had it right before my eyes, this relationship was ALL WRONG. Yet it’s taken me the last six months to feel even remotely “normal” where I’m not crying every day, obsessively checking my phone to see if he’s texted, hoping each email will be from him, etc. I, too, wanted that grand apology. But I think you get a pretty good sense of who a person is and how they operate in a relationship after the amount of time you spent with him. I don’t think people change that dramatically, at least not without tremendous work on their part. So even if he were to call and say he made a mistake, would you just be setting yourself up for more of the same if you went back?

You may find this link helpful: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/should-i-give-him-a-second-chance-or-a-3rd-4th-20th/ Everything on the Baggage Reclaim site is really great. Though I am trying to limit my time on there and even on this message board because while I think it’s good to commisserate and relate to have my feelings validated, I don’t want to miss out on the joy of life right before me while I spin my wheels in my head about my relationship and my ex.

Hang in there. It DOES get easier, I promise.

Hi Kennisha,

One thing that helped me when I was really down was to name something or someone that I’m grateful for. It could be having a bed and a place to stay, a good meal, a book, sunshine, dogs, a smile from a stranger…. Or maybe something about me. I’m a good worker, I make a good cup of coffee, I like children, I have a good sense of humor…. In other words, name some of the good stuff in your life. There’s gotta be some good stuff. Make a list. If it’s people on the list, could you take a moment and tell them you are grateful to know them? If you have a charity that is near and dear to you then you can go help them. If you are able to help them, express gratitude to them back for letting you help them and I’ll guess they said thank you – that was thoughtful.

You say you can’t win. Just placing in life is a podium finish. Maybe you have an interesting story to write. About the real world struggles you are having.

Another assignment besides naming something you’re grateful for: ask people questions. Ask followup questions.

If I may, I want to say thank you to you Kennisha for letting me share a little about me to help you.

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Big blue.
• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Big blue.
• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Big blue.

Thanks everyone.

Hi Rose Lynn

Thanks for asking some wonderful questions. As I was sipping my yumm and aromatic Kopi O, a “light bulb” moment occurred and I knew exactly how to approach your questions. Pls note that I am still a work in progress and may not have the “answers” that will satisfy your logic mind to the dot but I will try my best. And no, I am not in Singapore but would love to be there right this moment ;).

Everyone has opinions but those opinions that do not do us well are the ones that we should try and ditch. So how do you know if an opinion or a personal belief is serving you well or not ? Well, you experience it for yourself. If an opinion brings fear, guilt, unhappiness, discontentment, discrimination, resentment, non-acceptance etc into your life, it is not a useful belief to hang on to. However, if an opinion brings happiness, bliss, acceptance, peace and forgiveness into yours or someone else’s life, it is not a negative belief. I will let you figure out as to which of your opinions or beliefs about anything and everything are positive or negative.

When people form opinions about things or other people without going through a certain experience or being in that persons shoes, it creates a lot of confusion and disharmony. For example, you ask how do you know when someone is content or in denial ? I can answer that perfectly as I have experienced both. A feeling of content makes you vibrate at high frequencies of positivity – life is good, peaceful, happy and the emotion you feel is love. When you are in denial, everything feels confusing, fearful, resentful, envious or doubtful and the emotion you feel is fear. When we feel the emotion of fear, we are vibrating mostly at low frequencies of negativity. See the difference ? In general Universal energy terms, like energy attracts like. Positivity attracts more positivity and negativity attracts more of the same. You may not be familiar with this at this point but I can go deeper into this later if you wish.

You may ask so what determines our vibrating frequency ? Our thoughts. What affects our thoughts – everything !!

When we are critical (you can call it other things as I do not have any issues with terminology) of ourselves, other people or things around us on a consistent basis for whatever reasons, we are thinking negative thoughts, which gives rise to negative energy. You send this energy out into the Universe and what do you get in return – more of the same. Think about this for a little while and see if it resonates with you ? When we send out positive energy in the form of gratitude, selfless service, helping hand, random act of kindness, smiles, happy gestures at home or work, we get more of the same in one form or another. If you do not believe me, try it out for yourself. There is nothing better than experiencing it first hand.

Now coming back to your same sex relationship. If you have accepted yourself and your partner fully for who you both are and believe in, why do opinions of others matter so much to you ? There appears to be a conflict here and it is not an external conflict but an internal one. I wont be able to assist here but I will share my insight. When we are not able to accept ourselves for who we are, we often look for reasons that can shift the blame to the outside world. Why do we look to point fingers at environment outside of us ? Because it is the easiest thing to do and it makes us feel special and valued in our own eyes. To work on self is a lot of hard work and you need to constantly fight your logic or egoistic mind, which is not pleasant. This is where inner self journey comes into play.

Some bizarre questions to get you thinking outside of the square: does the Sun refuse to provide sunlight into your home because you are a homosexual couple ? Does the air you breathe in ask you if you are a female before it lets you inhale it ? Do the vegetables or meat that you buy question your competence before you can take them home ? What about the money exchanges that occur on a daily basis – do the bills or coins question if you are a foreigner or a local before it will go in to your wallet ? If you needed blood for whatever reasons, do you question if that blood is coming from a christian, buddhist, Muslim, homo sexual etc. I can ask many such questions and the list is endless.

What it is all getting to is that nature or things do not discriminate. We humans do. Like yourself, every other human has the capacity to discriminate, form unhelpful judgments or opinions. So can we do our bit to stop it ? Yes, of course. We all have a choice that we can use to better our and everyone else’s lives around us and bring more happiness into it !! How :
– by choosing positive thoughts over negative;
– by having a high self-esteem, which comes from working on self rather than others;
– by having respect for other individuals regardless of what their attitudes or issues are – everyone is doing the best they can in their given circumstances. We cannot be them and they cannot be us just for one simple reason being that we are as unique as it gets; and
– by being grateful for everything that you have and do not have 🙂

Time to go and eat some laksa now. Have an awesome weekend and hope Joshua and Inkrid can provide their valuable insights.

Jasmine

Hi Rose Lynn,

One quote that always stuck with me is “The grass is greener where you water it.” it can be hard not to be jealous of your friends. I’ve experienced this feeling too, and it can get crippling very fast.

You seem to already be aware that your friends life isn’t that great. Yes, she has a house, but that doesn’t mean she will be able to keep it if she keeps showing up late to work. You will see by stepping into her shoes that although she has a house other aspects of her life are less desirable.

It does seem that you have some limiting beliefs about yourself. Don’t look at it as a bad thing though because everyone has at least one limiting belief in their life, even if they aren’t ready to admit it. Once you are able to recognize the negative self talk and limiting beliefs you can start to see the light that the future holds.

I agree with Inkrid that a good way to move to a better frame of mind is through gratitude and appreciation. Look around you and be thankful for everything you have. You have your health, you are in a country where opportunities are in abundance, you have a partner in life, and regardless of how much you don’t get paid–you have a job, which is better than not having one.

If I may suggest, create a list of everything that you are grateful for in your life, no matter how small, and each morning when you wake up, browse over the list. You will see that it makes an amazing difference on your view of life.

Hi Parul!

I may be the absolute worst person to give advice on this subject as I am 48 and am still looking for my right career! However, you and I have similar interests , and perhaps something I have to say will make you think.

1 – We have the power to help others in any job by the way we do our work with pride and honor and by the way we treat our coworkers and customers. Truly giving to others is a matter of who you are, not what you do.
2 – No job is going to be 100% perfect! Often we feel that if only I can find the right job, I will be 100% happy! It’s not true! No job will make you totally happy. Shoot for something that feels like at least 60% of the time you will be enjoying your daily tasks. Also, being so obsessed with finding the perfect job is pretty much the opposite of living with acceptance and gratitude.
3 – I actually earned my master’s degree in counseling. I really thought I wanted to be a counselor, but I found out that good counselors make connections with others easily, and that is not me. I only truly connect with a very few people, and the clients I worked with sensed this. I also realized that what drew me to counseling was probably more a desire to understand and heal myself than really help others. I wanted to help others, but when it came to being in a room with someone I could not relate to, it just didn’t work. That being said, studying counseling has helped me understand people a lot better, which has helped me in my other pursuits. Of course, you might be someone who connects easily with others. If so, this may be the career for you!
4 – We can never know for sure which path is the best path for us. We can quiet our mind, try to be 100% honest with ourselves, but in the end making a choice will always involve some risk. At some point you have to say, I feel good about this and I’m going to go for it even though I’m not 100% sure! If you end up less happy than you had hoped to be, perhaps you felt drawn to the choice because you needed to learn something from it that will eventually take you to your place of peace.
5 – Some things you might want to consider as you explore your options more:
What is it about me that prevented me from finding a fulfilling job in human resources? Is just switching careers the answer, or do I need to learn something from my HR experience first?
What daily tasks does the career I’m considering involve? Is this really how I want to spend 40 hours per week?
What has always come naturally to me in life? What activities in life seem to bring me the most joy? Does my career choice involve these things?

Maybe some of these ideas will help you. I hope so!

One more idea: Did you consider finding a job in employee wellness? Perhaps in a job like that you could use your existing degree and still help people.

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by iamone.

Thanks Cameron for your post. I was meditating on a similar idea today for someone else. I would like to share my insight if you do not mind 🙂

I hope that Al @simpleal will share his insight as well as he has offered very useful solutions to Dee in an another post. Matt @amatt , need your help here again, pls.

First of all Cameron, congrats for entering the third decade of your existence on this planet and commencing your spiritual journey. You are an extremely insightful soul but I feel that you may not be aware of this. You actually know whats causing your suffering: attachment to a want. A need for a family, kid and husband is causing you grief rather than happiness as you are unable to fulfil this at present moment.

Look, I do not have a crystal ball to say when you will have your own future family but I do know you will. As soon as you let go of the want, it should happen. Every want, which is hard to fulfil comes with an underlying lesson. In your case, I think you need to prove to yourself that your happiness is not dependent on getting a husband, kid or having a family. You are complete and whole on your own. When you let go of this attachment, you will become a much more fulfilled being.

How do you let go ? Have faith that all is happening for your highest good and will continue to do so. Trust your higher self to provide the right environment for your want to be fulfilled in the future. Continue with the meditation as it will help with letting go and aid you in becoming detached to this want. Meditation will also prepare you for the journey that you are going to undertake in the near future :). How awesome !!

I will share an example of a personal friend who was so desperate to have a husband, family and kids that she went through all odds to find a partner. As soon as she gave birth to her son in the 2nd year of marriage, husband fell sick with a simple pneumonia. Unfortunately, for unknown reasons, he became more unwell and died in an ICU a month later from various complications. She was devastated. Took her a few years to get over this but her want for a husband didn’t end. She got married the second time and unfortunately, got divorced in less than a 6 months due to some personal reasons. After 9 years of suffering, I think she must have had enough so she took up meditation to find her answers. Now after a year of practicing, she is content and living happily with her son (who unfortunately is mentally handicap). According to her, She has finally found her solace. Could she have avoided so much hardships and suffering ? I don’t know as I am not God as yet 😉 but, it seems the life lessons were staring her into the eyes for a long time even before she started her journey of suffering. I can share many such stories with you as I get to hear them first hand.

The moral of the story is to: enjoy what you have, offer gratitude for everything and if something is not happening as you want despite trying, let it be. Learn the lesson, which this experience is teaching you and flow freely with life. Do not be hard on yourself. When the time is right, things will happen and provide you with the happiness that you deserve. In the meantime, continue your attitude of gratitude and meditation. If you can do some selfless service such as feeding the needy or children that will be an icing on the cake.

Loads of positive energy coming your way and thanks for your update on higher self. Much appreciated.

Jasmine.

Hi Emma,
I also had a binge eating disorder when I went through college. I am sorry that you are struggling with this and good for you for seeking therapy. That helped me immensely. I understand that feeling that of being in a circle you can’t break where every solution to the problem is a problem – self acceptance means gaining weight which means more urge to binge. What helped me:
*Gratitude – strange as that sounds, it helped me to recognize that the eating disorder was a way for me to get through a difficult time. Sometimes, too, it means that you actually are the strong one in the family as it lets the family focus on you rather than more difficult issues they are unable or unwilling to address. I keep a journal by my bed now where I write 5 things I’m grateful for at the end of the day.
*Forgiveness for bingeing- realize that setbacks are part of the process. I considered it a check in to see if that’s really where I wanted to be. Everytime I realized it wasn’t where I wanted to be, my resolve to move forward strengthened. In an experiment by Peter Skillman, he found that multiple iterations almost always beat single minded focus around an idea. In “The Zigzag Principle” by Rich Christensen he found the road to success is never a straight line. In other words, we learn more and have greater success when we have “failure” as well as success.
*God doesn’t make junk! – This was from one of Marianne Williamson’s books. I don’t know if you believe in god or a higher power but when I heard this, it healed a part of me that thought I was a horrible, worthless person. I would recommend any of her books or CD’s.
*Explore ways to be self expressive (with compassion) – whether that’s making a vision board, writing, dancing, singing. I don’t know about you but sometimes this was hard for me because I wanted my creative expression to be perfect. In “The Up Side of Down: Why Failing is Key to Success” by Megan Mcardle she writes that there are two mindsets: Fixed Mindset where challenges are a dipstick to measure how high your ability is and a Growth Mindset where challenges are an opportunity to deepen your talents. I encourage you to embrace the Growth Mindset in your journey.

Do you realize how powerful you are? All that energy that is currently going towards this struggle means that you can do amazing things once you break free. You already have a tremendous amount of insight and a strong desire to move forward. It is possible to recover!

Lisa

Luna ~~~
Through your words I felt such a glorious warm feeling, much like the sun when it has remained hidden for a few days or a cozy wool blanket on a bitter cold evening. Cherish the wisdom and the strength you have growing within yourself and the desire to become the YOU, you once knew and loved. Relationships with a significant other seem to blossom for awhile, even go to extreme periods of estacy and then fizzle out for no real good reason, I know that empty feeling much too well. Allow your heart to sing within your chest like a songbird high above in the trees, love yourself and celebrate life to the fullest. Simple random acts of kindness are now the fuel for my soul, I do them recklessly without looking for any reward or an uttered word of gratitude. I share kindness for only two reasons: 1) There is never enough kindness in the world and 2) I enjoy the way it makes me feel deep inside, happy because I do it.

I totally admire how you have empowered yourself and broken free from the shackles of your past by moving forward. You chose to not become a roadside victim but a victorious young lady. You have discovered how the simple things that go unnoticed can bring joy to our hearts.

YOU have inspired me today and I appreciate your positive energy, it is contagious..

You are still a kid Yuvi. Enjoy life and don’t worry about what others are saying or doing. You just focus on your life, pls.

Forgiveness is a choice. If you are able to forgive people, you become free. If you hold on to resentment, you become a prisoner of your own emotions and logical mind. Life becomes a pain and full of miseries. If you can do one thing for yourself, start with a gratitude exercise each morning. Think of things, which are good in life and offer your gratitude. When we adopt an attitude of gratitude, everything becomes more beautiful with time.

But, hey no stress. Enjoy your youth. These days won’t come back.

J