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Posts tagged with “judgment”

My Secret to Overcoming the Painful Trap of Perfectionism

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“A meaningful life is not being rich, being popular, or being perfect. It’s about being real, being humble, being able to share ourselves and touch the lives of others.” ~Unknown

Hello, I’m Kortney, and I’m a recovering perfectionist.

Like so many of us, I spent the greater part of my life believing that unless something was perfect, it wasn’t good at all. There was really no in-between. If it wasn’t perfect, it was a failure.

One of the problems with perfectionism is that it’s common to believe it’s a positive thing. In our society, people tend to value it. If …

Why I Now Believe Everyone Is Doing the Best They Can

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“You just never know what someone is dealing with behind closed doors. No matter how happy someone looks, how loud their laugh is, how big their smile is, there can still be a level of hurt that is indescribable. So be kind. Even when others are not, choose to be kind.” ~Andrea Russett 

Everyone is doing the best they can. When they can do better, they will.

“I disagree,” you say. “I see people who are not doing their best all the time!”

Before the year 2006, I had a ton of complaints about the world and the people around …

When You Struggle with Being Yourself, Remember This

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“Make the most of yourself… for that is all there is of you.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Every day, it was more or less the same. I presented an edited version of myself to the world. I felt a deep level of discomfort with the idea of letting myself go. Could I? Should I? The answer was “no” every time, even if it wasn’t always a conscious decision.

It felt wrong to be myself in a society where we’re conditioned to believe that we have to look and be a certain way to fit in. I believed that no one …

8 Ways to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think of You

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“You can’t force anyone to value, respect, understand, or support you, but you can choose to spend your time around people who do.” ~Lori Deschene

It can be paralyzing.

The worry about what other people think about you, I mean. That worry can hinder you from pursuing your dreams. It can stop you from expressing your true nature and stand in the way of the life you so badly want to create.

This worry can easily get your mind wandering to dark places and trigger feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and self-doubt. When it has a grip on you, you …

If You Expect a Lot and You’re Tired of Being Disappointed

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“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything—anger, anxiety, or possessions—we cannot be free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Almost universally, many of the problems we face in life are tied to our own expectations.  Expectations of ourselves. Expectations of others. Expectations of situations. Expectations of the world at large.

We may expect ourselves to be perfect and successful in all our pursuits. We may expect to feel constantly happy with our lives. We may expect others to think and react like we do. We may expect …

What If Your “Overthinking” Is Actually Good for You?

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“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.” ~Marcus Aurelius

Overthinking is common. And everyone is asking us to stop it. Articles like these are abundant:

“7 Signs You Are an Overthinker”

“13 Strategies to Stop Overthinking”

“9 Tips to Overcome Overthinking”

The overthinker in me is starting to question the effectiveness of all this well-meaning advice. If it were that easy to stop, there can’t be so much of it still.

I can’t help but wonder if we are looking at overthinking too negatively. Could overthinking be a part of human nature that actually has …

What to Do When You Can’t Seem to Love Yourself

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“You’ll be amazed at what you attract when you start believing in what you deserve.” ~Unknown

“You just need to love yourself more.”

I’ve heard that advice so many times when I’ve felt rejected, inadequate, and not enough. And instead of that advice helping me, it has just made me feel even more rejected, inadequate, and not enough.

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t angry at the person giving me the advice—I was angry with myself for not being able to love myself unconditionally.

It’s easier to feel love for yourself when things are going well. When …

How to Stop Obsessing Over What Other People Think of You

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“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

I spent way too much of my life worrying about what other people were thinking of me.

I couldn’t walk down the street without sucking in my gut for fear a stranger might have thought I looked fat (mind you, I did this even when I weighed 120 pounds!!)

Going to any social gathering—a Halloween party, networking event, craft fair, even a holiday family meal—was so stressful it felt like I had a bees’ nest in my chest.

I …

Why I Want to Stop Judging and How This Opens My Heart

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“The quicker you are in attaching verbal or mental labels to things, people, or situations, the more shallow and lifeless your reality becomes, and the more deadened you become to reality.” ~Eckhart Tolle

Things are hard right now, aren’t they? When I first started writing this article about my goal to drop labels so I could live without judgment, I was thinking I didn’t want to judge people at the gym based on what their T-shirts said.

Now I’m trying not to judge people in my local community and around the country for taking actions that make me feel …

10 Things I’ve Let Go and How This Has Set Me Free

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“I do not fix problems. I fix my thinking. Then problems fix themselves.” ~ Louise Hay

Looking back on my life, I came to understand that perfection was my worst enemy. I was raised in an environment of high expectation, and every day in school felt like I was competing with others and fighting to be the best in class.

At the age of ten I believed I was stupid just because my brain couldn’t work out physics and math. I was good with literature, arts, and foreign languages, but that wasn’t a sign of brilliance in the Eastern-European …

We Need More People Who Are Willing to Say…

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Why I’m in Therapy Again, and Not Ashamed to Share It

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“Emotional pain cannot kill you, but running from it can. Allow. Embrace. Let yourself feel. Let yourself heal.” ~Vironika Tugaleva

Ah, therapy, my old friend. We meet again.

I thought I’d released you from my life. I thought I no longer needed you to maintain my sanity.

I was wrong.

Third time’s a charm, as they say.

The First Time I Went to Therapy

I was eighteen when I had my first encounter with therapy. My parents had just divorced under pretty devastating circumstances, and my first serious relationship had crumbled at my feet.

It was a double betrayal.

My …

3 Negative Inner Voices and How to Challenge Them

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“Beautify your inner dialogue. Beautify your inner world with love light and compassion. Life will be beautiful.” ~Amit Ray

There is no better way to feel good about yourself than changing your internal dialogue. Yes, you have the power to change your inner voice. You can choose to speak to yourself in a positive way or a negative way.

Stop all activity for a moment.

Be still. Notice what your inner voice is saying. Do you hear anything? If not, ask your inner voice this question: How does it feel to be still?

Listen.

Is your inner voice declaring that …

Our Shame Does Not Have to Silence Us Unless We Let It

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“Empathy’s the antidote to shame. The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too.” ~ Brené Brown

There is so much power in giving yourself a voice; in choosing to use that voice for truth; in giving life to the secrets, judgment, and shame you keep hidden away. “Me too” can change someone’s life.

I learned this firsthand almost a decade ago. It changed my life, and it’s changed countless others around me.

I gave my shame a voice and she was loud, strong, and bold. She brought light to a secret others would have preferred I kept. …

How to Move Let Go of the Fear of Judgment and Break the Silence of Shame

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“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” ~Brené Brown

Every time I think I’ve unloaded most of the pain from my past, something surfaces that tells me I have more work to do.

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend and I were cuddling one morning. I’m not sure what the trigger was, but out of nowhere, my thoughts rolled down a hill and into a painful memory that I must have blocked out.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as my whole body curled up into the fetal position. He …

How to Make Anxiety A Lot Less Painful

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“You are not a mess. You are a feeling person in a messy world.” ~Glennon Doyle Melton

Anxiety can be hardwired and genetic. It can be passed down from generation to generation. It can be a result of trauma and high-stress scenarios, including divorce, moving, and death. These things are out of our control, and can be really challenging to work through.

But, anxiety can also come as a result of certain behaviors, lifestyle choices, and beliefs that you have about yourself and the world. And that, my friend, is always within your control.

I want to challenge the …

3 Ways to Decide Whose Opinion of You Matters

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“The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.” ~Coco Chanel

“You know, Joui, I really like how you look tonight. I always thought your style before was… just a little wacky,” smiled Harry, a man I’d met during a forced networking meeting. He then smirked knowingly, like he was doing me a great favor.

Inside I screamed.

As a stylist one of the biggest fears my clients mention when we discuss any big change is feedback, judgment, and shame from their peers. And they are right to be fearful.

People will have commentary, trust me. …

Watch Me Dance: Why I Stopped Playing Small and Hiding from Life

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“There is no passion to be found in playing small—in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” ~Nelson Mandela

When I was a kid I’d get up early on Saturday mornings to start my routine, which ended with a few hours in front of the television watching my favorite shows. After the cartoons came dance shows featuring the popular musical acts of the time. I’m in love with music and I have been all of my life, so these shows in particular excited me and made me feel like dancing with joy—and …

There’s No Such Thing as Normal (and Other Lessons from Living Abroad)

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“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” ~Mother Theresa

By passport and birth, I am Romanian. By soul, I am a citizen of the world.

I’ve always been fascinated by cultures, traditions, mentalities, and different ways of doing things and perceiving the world. So when I got my first working contract in Sweden seven years ago, I embraced it with tremendous joy.

Four years later I took one of the biggest steps in my life and moved to Shanghai. I was an Eastern-European woman leading a Chinese team, in an entirely new environment, so different from …

Don’t Allow Their Judgment to Become Your Truth

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