Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In

by Lori Deschene

“Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.” -Unknown

There are some days when I want everything to stop.

I want the calls to stop, the emails to stop, the requests to stop, the expectations to stop, the confrontations to stop, and the struggles to stop. Essentially, I want everything to feel quiet and easy.

Then I realize that if everything stopped, life would be boring, uneventful, and static.

If everything stopped, I wouldn’t have any opportunities to create, grow, learn from other people, or share what I’ve learned with them. Life would not be peaceful–life just wouldn’t be happening.

What I really want on those chaotic days isn’t for the world to stop. I just want to stop seeing the world as a million fires I need to put out. I want to stop interpreting everything as a conflict or crisis. I want to stop living life in a constant state of reaction, and instead focus on the actions that matter to me.

I suspect that’s what we all want: the ability to nurture a sense of peace that doesn’t crumble every time our circumstances get challenging.

The truth is we can access that on any day we choose to. We just need to choose–and then keep choosing instead of responding with stress, fear, and angst.

Today if your world seems less than peaceful, remind yourself: I can deal with whatever happens outside me. It starts by taking responsibility for what happens inside.

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by Lori Deschene

Update: The winners have been chosen! If you didn’t win, you can purchase a copy of And I Shall Have Some Peace There: Trading in the Fast Lane for My Own Dirt Road on Amazon–and don’t forget to subscribe to Tiny Buddha for daily (or weekly) words of wisdom!

I recently received a copy of Margaret Roach’s book And I Shall Have Some Peace There.

I was not previously familiar with Margaret’s wildly popular garden blog, A Way to Garden, but I was fascinated to learn about her transition from editorial director of Martha Stewart Omnimedia to full-time gardener at her country house in upstate New York.

I know a lot of people who fantasize about giving up monetary success to create success on their own terms, so I was grateful to learn a little from Margaret’s experience.

Though I am only about half-way through Margaret’s book—and really enjoying it!—I decided to ask her a few questions that may be helpful to anyone who is considering a major life change.

1. When you decided to leave your job, did you feel you knew for certain that this was the right choice for you?

Getting to a certain age helps with “certainty,” if there is such a thing in any action we ponder or take. Finally, when I approached my 50s, I knew that I would simply dry up and blow away if I didn’t bolt.

And I knew that I was getting too old to pretend that forever and ever lies ahead; carpe diem.

I don’t think I was certain at all what life here would be like. I don’t think we can really accurately forecast what lies across any threshold. But I knew that life back there—the urban static, the disconnection from outdoors and its creatures, the rhythm dictated by a back-to-back meetings and not my internal pulse—was too brutal.

For all of my adult life, I felt as if I was the spirit of a hippie-chick back-to-the-lander trapped inside the body and skyscraper existence of a corporate executive. Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“Some people think it’s holding that makes one strong—sometimes it’s letting go.” -Unknown

Sometimes admitting that something is over can feel like defeat. After all, we hear a lot of messages that tell us to never give up–to hold on and keep fighting at all costs.

But if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll know when it’s time to move on.

You’ll know when a relationship no longer serves you, and you’re just staying because you’re too scared to leave. You’ll know when a job no longer makes you happy, but you’re staying because you think it will be hard to find something else. You’ll know when a business idea didn’t work, and it’s time to cut your losses and start the next thing.

Somewhere inside you, you always know.

You just have to stop ignoring the symptoms of your awareness or discontent, and decide it’s time to let go–of the relationship, the friendship, the job, the hobby, the idea, the religion, and in some cases, the illusion of something that you never even had to begin with.

Today if you’re unsure whether you should hold on or let go, create space and stillness and then ask yourself: If you were fully honest about your motivations and needs, and not letting your fear choose for you, which choice would you make?

Now all you need is the strength to make it. So the real question is: Are you strong enough to choose for your happiness?

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Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Courtney Carver

“He who has health has hope, and he who has hope has everything.” ~Proverb

In the spring of 2006, I was training for the MS 150, a cycling event to raise funds for the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. I was hopeful that I could contribute to MS research and support. Someone close to me has MS and I wanted to help.

About a month into my spin classes and outdoor training, I started to feel bad. I was tired, weak, and having some balance issues.

I never got to participate in the ride. In fact, shortly after the event date, I had my own MS diagnosis. My most debilitating symptom was vertigo. I couldn’t walk a straight line, let alone ride a bike.

I was shocked by my diagnosis. I was sad and I was scared, but I was hopeful. Right from the start I was hopeful that I would regain my health, and help others with MS. Just having hope wasn’t enough, but at the same time it was everything.

When something happens that threatens to leave you hopeless, remember that you are strong. You are resilient and you can take the necessary steps to protect hope and encourage change.

Without hope, there is no next step. Without hope, there is no possibility of happiness. I choose hope. Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“In the long run we get no more than we have been willing to risk giving.” -Sheldon Kopp

Fear tells us to hold on for dear life or else something bad might happen.

Fear tells us to cling to the people we love so that we will not lose them. Fear tells us not to share what we have or else we might not have enough. Fear tells us not to spend any money because we might need what we give up.

Fear is the voice that says, “Don’t let go,” but it’s only when we release and free our arms that we’re ready to receive.

It’s not because giving always equals getting–it’s because we generally don’t open ourselves to what might be when we’re cowering in fear, clutching onto what is.

There is always going to be the possibility of loss in life. Some risks don’t pay off, and there’s no way to get around that. But the only way to get to the ones that do pay off is to decide the possibility is worth the risk.

I haven’t always been trusting in love. I haven’t always been generous with what I have. I haven’t always been bold with my resources. But today I choose possibility over fear. Do you?

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Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Wendy Miyake

“What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful.” ~Brene Brown

Vulnerability has never been my strong suit. It’s no wonder. In order to be vulnerable, you have to be okay with all of you. That’s the thing about vulnerability that no one tells you about.

Being vulnerable is not just about showing the parts of you that are shiny and pretty and fun. It’s about revealing what you deny or keep hidden from other people. We all do this to some extent. I bet you’ve never said to a friend, “Oh my god, I just love that I’m insecure.”

But that’s the point, isn’t it? You’ve got to love everything, if you want to be vulnerable by choice.

Most of us have probably experienced vulnerability through default. More often than not, we are either forced into that state through conflict or we are surprised by it after our circumstances feel more comfortable.

Few of us consciously choose vulnerability. Why? The stakes are too high.

If we reveal our authentic selves, there is the great possibility that we will be misunderstood, labeled, or worst of all, rejected. The fear of rejection can be so powerful that some wear it like armor. Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Angelina Khoo

“To have a friend and be a friend is what makes life worthwhile.” ~Unknown

Extreme Makeover: Friendship Edition! That would be the best phrase to describe a year in the life of a cross-cultural friendship with my best friend Marisa.

This is the first deep and meaningful relationship I’ve ever had with someone who doesn’t speak a word in my own language.

My relationship with her has exposed and challenged many of my cultural beliefs and ideas about friendship.

There is nothing wrong with being influenced by culture. We all are.

But it’s good to recognize where some of our beliefs come from. Every so often we need to do little sorting through and, if need be, have a “garage sale” to get rid of things that are not relevant to our lives.

From the day that we are born, our culture begins teaching us lessons. It shapes our social behavior, conduct, and whole value system.

Oftentimes, it’s not until we encounter another culture that we realize how our culture and upbringing shaped our value system.

Before my relationship with Marisa, I had many North American values that shaped my beliefs about friendship. For example, I believed that we needed massive amounts of time together. I also believed that we needed things in common or the relationship won’t work at all.

And yes, it is true that you do need these things, but it wasn’t to the degree that I had been brought up to believe.

You see, I’ve had relationships with people in my own language where we’ve had space, time together, and similar backgrounds.

But in the short time that I’ve known Marisa, our relationship has grown faster and gone further than some of these other relationships that have had the benefits of time and space. So what is the catch?

The catch is that it’s not about how much time Marisa and I have together, but rather what we do when we have a moment together. It’s not about how full the cup is, but rather what’s in the cup—the quality and the content.

Relationships experts say that one of the secrets to keeping a relationship healthy is engagement. Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.” -Morris West

Today I watched Finding Nemo, one of my absolute favorite Disney movies. When Dory and Marlin are searching for his lost son Nemo and it seems like they’re doomed to fail, Marlin says, “I promised I’d never let anything happen to him.”

Dory responds, “Hmm. That’s a funny thing to promise. You can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.”

As someone who has often worried about people I love, I find this incredibly insightful. The truth is we never can know for certain when a storm is coming. We can’t fully protect ourselves or the people we love from hardship.

What we can do is choose not to cause ourselves pain by shutting down, fearing everything that might go wrong. When we hide from the worst that could possibly happen, we also close ourselves off from the best.

Today if you’re feeling fearful about things that might go wrong tomorrow, come back to the present and recognize things that are going right today.

There’s a lot of sunshine to enjoy in life, but we can only appreciate it if we’re willing to be firmly rooted in the here and now.

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Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Tess Marshall

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

The most important decision of your life, the one that will effect every other decision you make, is the commitment to love and accept yourself. It directly affects the quality of your relationships, your work, your free time, your faith, and your future.

Why then is this so difficult to do?

Your Family of Origin

I grew up with nine siblings. I had two older brothers, three older sisters, three younger sisters, and a younger brother.

I never fit in. My sisters were tall and thin with beautiful, long, lush hair. By eleven years old, I was short and very curvy. My hair was fine, thin, and wild.

For the most part, my siblings did as they were told. I was outspoken, out-of-control and rebellious.

I wore my sister’s hand-me-down school uniforms. I rolled up the hems on the skirts and popped buttons on the blouses. My look was unkempt.

I was teased and bullied at home and at school. Yet I didn’t go quietly into the night. I fought for my place in my family. To protect myself, I developed a good punch and grew a sharp tongue. Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“Never let lack of money interfere with having fun.” ~Unknown

Back when we were young, we may have asked our parents for money to do things, but more often than not, we found creative ways to have fun without spending a dime.

At least I know I did.

My cousins and I turned their bulkhead cellar doors into a slide—and the main attraction of our DIY amusement park.

We turned cardboard paper towel rolls and rice-filled soda bottles into instruments, and entertained ourselves for hours on end. OK, maybe not hours, but you get the point.

We didn’t wait for overtime or vacation weeks to have fun. More often than not, it didn’t really matter what we did. All that mattered is that we were together, and we were fully committed to enjoying ourselves.

I highly doubt I’d spend one of my adult Saturdays banging on a homemade coffee can drum, but there’s something to said for getting a little creative with your downtime. Especially since a lot of us spend a great deal of time immersed in routines and technology.

If you’re looking for some cheap, creative ways to enjoy the weekend—or perhaps an upcoming weekday you’ve chosen to liberate—I recommend: Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world.” -Helen Keller

This is the kind of statement that I used to find incredibly annoying. I thought it was an overly simplified way of condoning a lot of the hurtful things other people had done. If someone suggested that a hardship was a gift, I assumed they were saying it because they couldn’t relate to my pain.

Then I realized that my stubborn commitment to being right and bitter was causing me just as much pain as I felt other people caused. I was hurting myself by holding onto anger and refusing to see what I’d gained through my different trials and tribulations.

When we consider that every event contains a gift–even the ones that seem negative–we suddenly have immense power in creating our state of mind and making a positive difference in the world.

Everything that appears to be dark can become light if we recycle it into something useful. Everything can inspire us to learn, grow, and help other people.

Today if you’re dealing with something you never would have asked for, ask yourself: What can I learn from this to improve life for me and others going forward? And equally important: What can I do with what I learned?

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Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Erin Lanahan

“A leader leads by example whether he intends to or not.” ~Unknown

Ever since I can remember, I have always wanted to “be somebody.” For the majority of my life, I worked very hard at being whatever I thought I needed to be in order to be a great leader amongst my peers.

I wanted so deeply to inspire and move others, and to make a difference in a way that was unforgettable. I thought being a leader meant that I had to constantly prove that I was good enough to win the acknowledgment and appreciation of others.

For the first 25 years of my life, I exhausted myself trying to be the smartest, the prettiest, the most outgoing, the coolest, the sexiest, the fittest, the most fun, the most envied, the most desirable, and the most popular.

As a result of my inner passion and desire to be a light for others, I ended up destroying many parts of myself. I sacrificed my authenticity, my intuition, my self-respect, my self-love—all for the sake of “being somebody” in the eyes of other people.

I allowed myself to stay in relationships that were toxic for me, I treated my body like a human garbage can, and I sabotaged myself in the face of opportunity because deep down, I felt like a fraud. Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“Doing your best means never stop trying.” -Unknown

For years, I stressed over the possibility that my best was not good enough. I realized that I couldn’t possibly do better than my best, but as a type-A overachiever, this logic wasn’t sufficient permission to feel proud when I put all my heart into something.

I didn’t want to do my best–I wanted to do the best that anyone could do. I wanted to achieve greatness, as recognized by lots of people. I wanted it to be undeniably true that I was someone worth admiring and respecting.

What I have since realized is that no one’s admiration and respect will ever feel like enough until I admire and respect myself. And that doesn’t come from obsessing about perfect outcomes–it comes from knowing I am strong enough and brave enough to keep going, even knowing I’ll never be perfect.

If you are doing something that scares you, know that you are doing your best. If you’re doing something you’ve failed at before, know that you are doing your best. If you are doing something that you feel like you’re failing at now, know that you are doing your best.

And more importantly, regardless of what you achieve, know that you deserve your own respect and admiration for being a person who is willing to try.

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Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Helen Russell

“When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” -Lao Tzu

Somewhere in the distant past, out here in New Zealand, I recall someone saying to me “Be grateful for small mercies.”

Back in the 1950s, when I was a small girl, that meant being grateful for the simple things that made up the better part of my life.

As I grew, I forgot that piece of advice that someone, probably my beautiful grandmother, gave me way back then. But in 2010, I remembered it again.

Like so many people in the world in 2010, troubles were crowding in on me.

My American same-sex partner and I had not been able to see each other for over a year, due to both the usual constraints—American immigration law does not recognize our relationship—and the not so usual – the recession, joblessness, bankruptcy, and threatened foreclosure on our American home.

In July my father died in New Zealand and it was at that point I threw in the towel. Life was beyond me. Life was too big for me. I was like that small girl back in the 1950s trying to wear her big sister’s wool jersey only it was way too big for her—she was swamped!

At that moment I fired off an email to the great love of my life in New York. “Darling, I am beginning a gratitude list. Here are five things I am grateful for. Now you add to that and let’s start letting the universe know we love its small mercies!”

And so we did.

We began to shift our focus away from the pain we felt at not being able to be together, from the heartbreaking loss of people we loved and from the impending loss of the home where we had known such happiness.

Now I gave thanks for the silence that enabled me to hear the birdsong in my New Zealand garden, for my tea and toast, for my cozy bed, for the clear blue sky.

She gave thanks for the good deeds she had been able to do that day and for the help others had given her. She gave thanks for the beautiful day, for her pizza, and for the delicious water she was able to gather from an underground spring near her house in upstate New York.

And then, as the months went on, a curious thing happened. We stopped feeling alone. Together we summoned a power neither of us could have summoned alone. Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“A hard fall means a high bounce…if you’re made of the right material.” -Unknown

I recently saw the movie Soul Surfer about Bethany Hamilton, the professional surfer who lost an arm in a shark attack in 2003 when she was just 13 years old. This would be difficult for anyone, but especially someone so young.

Bethany lost 60% of her blood that day, and after turning down a lifelike but non-functional prosthetic arm, soon realized she had to relearn almost everything.

What kept her going was knowing she didn’t lose everything. Lots of things were different, but lots of things were still possible. Because of that belief, Bethany has continued to compete in national surf championships while traveling all over the world to help other people dealing with adversity.

As someone with a lifelong phobia of sharks, I can’t say for certain I’d get back in the water after an attack that took a limb. But I know that when everything seems challenging and nothing makes sense, it’s tremendously helpful to remember that possibility starts with the strength and courage to recognize it.

If you’re dealing with an obstacle that seems insurmountable, remember that things are rarely what they seem. This can be your undoing–or it can be a reminder that you’re stronger than you realize and can do a lot more than you think.

The question is: Are you ready to stop dwelling and start doing?

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Editor’s note: this is a contribution by Cat Li Stevenson

“To a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.” ~Chuang-Tzu

The beauty of life is that we constantly have the opportunity to change it.

We always have the power to recreate it. We can change our thoughts, remember how to live instead of planning each moment, forgive the past, be present for the now, slow down the speed, and push the reset button on a day that has escaped us.

I recently had one of those days.

This past Saturday was wonderful. Or so I thought it would be when I woke up.

I’d been invited to a traditional Cambodian, Vietnamese Wedding, and was excited to attend. Although I didn’t know the bride or the groom, I would be the guest of a good friend.

I had a couple of mishaps that morning that caused me to be late. First, I spent 30 minutes with my younger sister, peeling a wad of gum off the heels she’d borrowed from me the night before—the ones I planned to wear to the wedding in the next hour.

I half-sprinted without make-up to my car, holding a coffee that later spilled all over the front seat.

I arrived to the ceremony 15 minutes late. I quickly made my way towards the front door of the home. A room full of women in vibrant, traditional Asian clothing greeted me inside.

I introduced myself to a couple as a guest of Sophya, a good friend of mine. They just looked at me blankly, perhaps unsure who she was, and didn’t really respond.

I made my way to the nearby couch where a small group of kids were playing to wait for Sophya there. After getting lost in Legos for 20 minutes, I heard Sophya calling me from another room. Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” -Plato

Sometimes it can seem like everyone’s out to get you. There’s the person in traffic who refuses to let you into his lane. The customer service representative who rushes you off the phone without helping even a little. The friend who didn’t tell you the whole story, which left you feeling hurt.

We’ve all met these people. We’ve also been these people. We all have days when we’re not as considerate, helpful, or honest as we’d like to be.

Sometimes it’s because we’re rushed. Other times it’s because we’re tired and irritable. And other times it’s because we’re hurting emotionally and maybe we’ve yet to really acknowledge and deal with it. Maybe we don’t think we can, and so we let it fester inside while we go through our day, feeling hopeless, trapped, and alone in our sadness.

Today if you come across someone who gets on your nerves, consider that maybe underneath their rudeness or insensitivity is a pain that’s yet to be healed. It doesn’t condone their actions, and it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stand up for yourself when necessary.

But it may make it easier to feel a modicum of compassion. I don’t know about you, but on days when I am hurting, that’s what I want and need: a friendly face that says, “I understand, and I care.”

Photo by Big Mind Zen Center

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Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Geordie Proudfoot

“I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

I thought I had relinquished anxiety after a few years of mindfulness and meditation. Then I had a baby. It is incredibly easy for us mothers to slide into permanent guilt and anxiety.

After a few minutes of watching my thoughts, I noticed they ran something like this:

“My baby is sleeping too much. Should I wake her? Oh no, she hasn’t slept enough and I woke her. I shouldn’t have woken her, I’ve ruined the day. How am I going to fix this? I can’t fix it. I have no idea. I’m a bad mother. She has no routine. I need to put her into a routine. But it’s too late! How will I do this? I should have done it earlier!”

And so on. Endlessly. Hourly. Daily. It got to the point where I didn’t feel like a caring mother unless I was worrying about something. Then I realized that my anxiety was the only thing that would damage my daughter.

Babies pick up on all of our emotions. That’s why having a child is a great opportunity to grow as a person. We care so much about our children that we don’t want to lumber them with our old habits and negative emotions. We must move past our pointless worries, but how?

I have been trying out a few mindfulness techniques and found them to be extremely helpful.

Prior to this, I was compulsively flicking through endless books by “experts” on sleep, routines, feeding, and general parenting.

None seemed to be right for the individual needs of my child, so I figured it was time to go within and discover the answers for myself. Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Tory Syracuse

“I cannot make my days longer so I strive to make them better.” ~Henry David Thoreau

Every weekday morning, I set off from my back gate on my bicycle, pushing away from the safe shore of home and entering the unpredictable current of urban life. Every morning, I look forward to the adventure.

Over the course of the ride to work, I watch the city wake up. I feel the particular nuances of the day’s weather—perhaps humid, with a storm building over the mountains, or maybe a faintly warm breeze crosscuts the morning chill, carrying a hint of spring.

I know as I ride east that the rising sun is slightly higher than it was at this time last week. I smell coffee roasting and last night’s fried food dissipating as I pedal through the commercial district at the edge of the university campus. I see birds and runners and dog-walkers, and people doing yard work before the heat of the day sets in.

By the time I get to work, I’m ready to engage in my day. My bike ride serves as a transition from my habit of early morning solitude to a socially engaging workplace, where I need to be “on” most of the time.

Likewise, the ride home is a chance to release the day’s stress, to create a buffer between my work and personal lives.

Like many people, I struggle to keep work “in its place”: not to continue to obsess about it in my free time, to let it go until the next work day. Driving home so often contributes to stress. But when I arrive home by bike, it’s as if I’ve gradually released my work day with each circular swipe of my pedals.

There are many reasons to commute by bike. Simply put, it’s good for you and good for the planet. Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.” -Eckhart Tolle

You might not think to compare beloved children’s writer Dr. Seuss to spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle, but there’s a common message about happiness in both their works: We can only experience joy through action in the now, not by waiting to get it some day, when everything works out and makes sense.

From Seuss’ Oh the Places You Will Go:

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

He then writes: No! That’s not for you!

But I’m going to alter that slightly since we’re all adults now. That very well might be you. I know that it’s been me. I’ve waited for the right time to make a change, the ideal time to tell someone how I feel, the safest time to try something new, and the easiest time to take care of myself.

The only problem is that it rarely feels right, ideal, safe, or easy. Those words are merely excuses to let the moment slip away. And it does. Over and over again until they have run out.

This moment is a chance to do something differently, no matter how small it may seem. Every big change starts with one small choice.

The best way to stop waiting and start living is to decide that life happens now, and to ask yourself: If you knew time was running out, what would you stop waiting to do?

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