Posts by Lori Deschene

Tiny Wisdom: Help People Help Themselves

“Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.” ~Cicero

Since I write about overcoming adversity, I receive a lot of emails and blog comments from readers seeking advice.

When I first started this site, I promised myself I’d never tell readers not to email seeking feedback. I’d seen this type of disclaimer on other blogs, and I decided I wanted to do things differently.

I wanted to be approachable and helpful—to offer guidance as best I could, as time allowed. After all, that’s why I do this—not to talk at people, but to make friends and be a friend.

Earlier …

Tiny Wisdom: Being Both Strong and Hurt

“Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~from my book, Tiny Buddha

A while back, my friends and I dealt with a challenging situation that profoundly affected all of us, including one friend who struggles with intense anxiety.

While I’m usually a proponent of giving specifics, I’d rather not call her out publicly, so suffice it to say it was a hard time, and everyone felt the weight of it.

Unexpectedly, this friend emerged as a source of support and comfort for everyone else.

In the face of tremendous adversity, …

Tiny Wisdom: Stop Fighting and Be Easy

“If you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly those moments.” ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

There was a time when I was full of angst, and desperate to unleash it.

Since I felt misunderstood in some of my relationships, I’d fight battles I knew I wouldn’t win and then only consider letting go after a mini emotional break down.

I needed to tire myself out in order to surrender. I needed to fully defuse my distress to give myself some peace. Though I wouldn’t have admitted it, I was addicted to that drama. It was only …

Tiny Wisdom: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

“Actions speak louder than words, but not nearly as often.” ~Mark Twain

A while back I wrote a blog post about giving people the benefit the doubt and suggested, as I often do, that people rarely intend to be hurtful.

Someone wrote in the comments that I’ve obviously never encountered a sociopath.

This got me thinking about the many times I’ve heard women refer to men they’ve dated as sociopaths and narcissists. It occurred to me that many of those men likely treated them horribly but may not have had mental disorders.

There are sociopaths out there, but more often …

Tiny Wisdom: Treat People How They Want to Be Treated

“If we are to live together in peace, we must come to know each other better.” ~Lyndon Johnson

A while back, I told a friend that I try to follow the old adage “Treat people how you wanted to be treated.” He responded that he tries to treat people how they want to be treated. This really got me thinking.

I’ve always tried to gauge people’s needs by relating to them—by seeing myself in them, and giving them what I would want if I were in their shoes.

It never occurred to me consider how I differ from them, and …

Tiny Wisdom: Rebuilding Trust After Being Hurt

“When mistrust comes in, love goes out.” ~Irish saying

An old friend of mine felt betrayed by her boyfriend, but chose not to leave him. Instead, she made him pay for it over and over again.

Through subtle digs and less subtle slights, she repeatedly expressed that she felt contempt for him. But instead of forgiving or walking away, she stayed behind a wall of resentment.

Soon he started responding in kind, until their relationship became a container for mutual silent bitterness. It was two people sharing a suffocating space, overwhelmed by the weight of everything they didn’t say.

I …

Tiny Wisdom: What We Pay Attention To

“Tell me to what you pay attention and I will tell you who you are.” ~Jose Ortega y Gassett

Have you ever suddenly stopped yourself after realizing you’d been dwelling on something insignificant for way too long?

Maybe it was something that didn’t go right in your day, or something mildly offensive that someone said. Whatever it was, it was something you knew wasn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things, and yet you felt a need to mentally rehash it over and over in your head.

I’ve done this many times before. Though I know it’s draining …

Tiny Wisdom: What Makes Us Rich

“If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich.” ~Lau Tzu

In the Pixar movie Up, Carl and Ellie save all their lives to visit Paradise Falls only to realize they’re never able to save enough. Every time they build a substantial nest egg, life happens and they need to spend it.

This is a reality I know all too well. Several months back I told my boyfriend it frustrates me that every time I come into an unexpected sum of money, a need emerges to use it.

One time I got an extra freelance gig and …

Tiny Wisdom: Enjoying the People We Love

“Good relationships don’t just happen. They take time, patience, and two people who truly want to be together.” ~Unknown

In the past, whenever I heard someone say that relationships take effort, I assumed it was a person who wasn’t in a happy one.

When it’s right, it shouldn’t feel like work; it should be effortless—or so I thought, ironically, in a time when I had few relationships.

What I didn’t realize then is that things change over time—we change over time—and that we need to choose each day to see the people we love with new eyes.

I’ve been …

Tiny Wisdom: The Relationships We Wish Would Improve

“When you stop trying to change others and work on changing yourself, your world changes for the better.” ~Unknown

There are certain relationships that we don’t want to end; we just want them to improve.

Sometimes it might seem like that will only happen if someone else starts acting differently—with more kindness, respect, thoughtfulness, compassion, understanding, or consideration.

Years ago, a therapist told me we can’t ever change other people; we can only change how we respond to them.

At the time, I found this incredibly frustrating because I didn’t know what I could do differently. I only knew I …

Tiny Wisdom: What Are You Waiting For?

“Before someone’s tomorrow has been taken away, cherish those you love, appreciate them today.” ~Michelle C. Ustaszeski

Most of us are really good at finding reasons to wait.

We wait to call good friends we miss because we assume we’ll have plenty of time.

We wait to tell people how we really feel because we hope it will someday feel safer.

We wait to forgive the people who’ve hurt us because we believe they should reach out first.

We wait to apologize for the things we’ve done because we feel too stubborn or ashamed to admit fault.

If we’re not …

Tiny Wisdom: When Other People Won’t Change

“I’ve discovered that you can’t change people. They can change themselves.” ~Jim Rohn

We all want to be loved and accepted, just as we are. We want people to honor our interests, value our needs, and respect our choices in life.

So why, then, do we expect other people to sacrifice theirs for us?

Why do we hope people will change their goals, habits, and values to better align with ours when they haven’t given us any indication they’d be happier for doing it?

Sometimes we think we know what’s best for others, but if we’re honest with ourselves, we’ll …