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Category “love & relationships”

Ending Codependency in Relationships: Find Who You Really Are

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“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”  ~Oscar Wilde

I remember clearly and will never forget the golden moment when I revealed my truth. Out through the locked up, suppressed little voice hidden deep down within, I allowed myself to say, “I always feel as if I need to give people what they want.”

It was almost as if lighting struck and the clouds parted at the same time. I sat there comfortably in the chair of my therapist’s office, and with a deep breath I knew that “it” was over. I did not know what “it” was, or the …

The World Is a Kinder Place When You’re Kind

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“Don’t wait for people to be friendly. Show them how.” ~Unknown

Sometimes I stop to think about how in the world I ended up where I have. I started off with very little, and somehow along the way I have ended up generally happy and on my own two feet.

My adolescence up to my early twenties had its share of dark days. Whether or not we are lucky enough to have a small handful of people that stick by us no matter what, more often than not we can find ourselves feeling incredibly lonely.

For a long time through …

Learning to Trust: Let Go of Your Fear and Let Your Guard Down

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“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway

In love and in life, our vulnerability is one of our greatest strengths. We often believe that we risk too much by being vulnerable, but, in fact, the opposite is true. When we build a wall around us to protect ourselves from our big, bad fears, we miss out on so much.

When we live with the mindset that something may be taken from us (physically or emotionally), or that we need to be in control of everything that happens, we endure …

5 Reasons to Stop Keeping Score in Relationships

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“It’s one of the most beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

During my freshman year of college, my group of friends would always hang out in my room.

For the most part, I enjoyed playing host.

Then certain things started to bother me. People would constantly be eating my snacks, and I would constantly be cleaning up after them when they left.

Day after day, I would provide my friends with food. They would make a mess eating it while sitting on my bed. And they wouldn’t …

Share Your Vulnerable Story: Find Strength by Letting Others In

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“Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene

In February of 2011, I went to see my doctor because I was suffering from severe headaches that I figured were associated with using computers all day at my law job. After having a few tests, the doctor said that I wasn’t doing well and he suggested that I take a leave from work to focus on my health.

The next few months, I found myself in and out of doctors’ offices, medical labs, and hospitals on a weekly basis. With …

Transform Your Life by Loving Yourself in Action

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“Your actions are your only true belongings.” ~Allan Lokos

I used to be the kind of girl who relished stable and perfect surroundings. I fanned my magazines. I scrubbed the inside of the refrigerator.

I worked tirelessly to cultivate the external environment that I was lacking inside.

Externally, things were in order. The bills were paid. The laundry was folded.

Internally, I was a voracious black hole of yearning.

I consumed everything that was closest to me—food, love, validation—in an attempt to fill the void that I experienced on a daily basis. That feeling of not being enough, of …

How We Appreciate Life More When We Stop Making Assumptions

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“Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.” ~Marianne Williamson

Our 12th floor apartment overlooks Cape Town’s city bowl and harbor. The view is such that even on overcast days I’m drawn to the window each morning to breathe it in.

There’s a sense of being both a part of the world and entirely removed from it when you’re that high up.

It’s how I move through my life too; I’m either immersed in it or off on my own. This contrary nature is not without its challenges, especially …

7 Powerful Realizations That Will Help You Suffer Less

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“More important than the quest for certainty is the quest for clarity.” ~Francois Gautier

Pain was my norm; not physical pain, but emotional pain compounded with mental self-torture. I was an introvert without introspection, painfully shy and unable to make eye contact. I caved to all manners of peer pressure.

I was a doormat and didn’t stand up for myself, although I would fight tooth and nail for someone else. It seemed like others often took advantage of my kindness. I took everything personally and cried a lot. Thoughts of suicide lasted for years.

After more than a decade of …

Love Your Body, Love Yourself: You Are Not Alone

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“Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy

I hated myself when I was a kid.

I was overweight and starting to really like girls, but they didn’t like me.

I didn’t want to take my shirt off in front of them, so I didn’t go to the pool. And, when my parents made one last ditch effort at their marriage and moved to Coral Springs, Florida when I was in fifth grade—away from my friends and my hometown of Davenport, Iowa—I didn’t go to the beach.

Any …

Create Meaning By Helping Others (Without Doing it for Validation)

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“If you light a lamp for someone else it will also brighten your path.” ~Buddha

Why are you here on this earth? What is your purpose? What are you supposed to be doing with your life? These deep questions burn in all of us. Our souls’ desire is to lead fulfilling lives that have meaning.

My life’s journey has always been linked to helping other people; I just never saw it as serving them. As I have grown to know myself, I have discovered that I have this huge heart that wants the best for myself and for others. …

Relationships Should Complement Our Identities, Not Define Them

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“On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a playful, joyous energy behind what you do.” ~Eckhart Tolle

The first rain after a long draught gets people talking about cozy things. Being with others, being physically close to others, going out in groups, staying in with someone. Sharing affection. Cold weather seems to always entail groups and partnerships.

What about when those groups and partnerships are missing from the tableau? The other night I was sitting in my apartment with my lanterns on, some incense burning, and some good reading material. The rain was …

People Aren’t Always Out to Get Us: The Good Beyond Appearances

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“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” ~Mother Theresa

Last year, I was on the CTA (Chicago’s public transit) heading to class to take an exam. Rather, I should say that I was rushing to class. I wasn’t running late, but I often got caught up in the hustle and bustle of Chicago during morning rush hour.

Something about the “rush hour” energy made me feel a bit anxious; and, although I, along with others, am at the mercy of the CTA with its frequent delays, rarely do riders strike up conversations with fellow passengers.…

You Have to Know What Kind of Love You Deserve to Attract It

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“Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi

My ex used to stomp out of the house every time we had an argument.

Literally, he would leave. And usually before he left he’d smash something. One time it was a lamp; another time it was a cast iron skillet and the tile floor it landed on.

He would stay away for about an hour, driving his sports car really fast to let off steam.

I know this because when he returned, he’d tell me …

Who Are You Trying to Prove Yourself To?

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“If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” ~Mary Engelbreit

Some might say that their past haunts them like old ghosts. As for me, my ghost is my childhood.

I was raised in a moderately traditional family, as opposed to some overly traditional Chinese families where everyone lived by a thick rulebook.

Luckily, my family was a little more lenient, which I consider a true blessing. However, I felt as though my parents held me captive inside a glass box. Whenever I thought about being chained down from what …

A Lesson About Love Learned from Both Joy and Tragedy

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“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ~Albert Einstein

A couple of months ago, I had one of the best and worst weekends in a very long time.

My best friend for the last 15 years was getting married, and I was in the wedding party. We spent most of the weekend eating, drinking, laughing, and reminiscing, and above all celebrating a beautiful love story of two very wonderful people.

It was particularly special to me, as earlier this year my …

10 Ways to Have Peaceful, Loving Relationships

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“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” ~Dalai Lama

Though Valentine’s Day is coming up next month, this is not a post about romance. It’s about any relationship—with your brother, your mother, your coworker, or your friend.

And I admit I am not an expert.

I’ve made a million and one mistakes in relationships. I’ve expected too much. Or not asked for what I needed in fear of rocking the boat. I’ve been competitive. I’ve been suspicious. I’ve been dependent. I’d like to think what redeems me from all these mistakes is that I’ve also …

Being Honest: The Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy

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“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway

When I was a child I was part of a family that didn’t communicate beyond “pass the salt.”

There was no confiding of fears, sharing of hopes, and encouraging each other’s dreams. It was a superficial and empty existence but one that was completely normal to me.

Fast forward numerous years, add in three children and a loving partner of my own; now I try to create a childhood for my own kids that is a polar opposite to my own experience. …

Behind Great Anger Is Great Pain; Don’t Take It Personally

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“More important than the quest for certainty is the quest for clarity.” ~Francois Gautier

My husband was a gift I never expected to find. I never imagined that I deserved the kind of love that he was capable of giving me. With complete certainty, I felt safe in loving him and lucky to marry him.

We both had children from previous relationships, and, with high hopes, we entered into the balancing act of a blended family.

I had reasonable expectations that among the hard work there would be an unspoken respect for each other, and we’d slowly start …

The Top 10 Tiny Buddha Insights from 2012

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Happy almost 2013!

It seems like just yesterday I wrote “Happy almost 2012!” before summarizing the top lessons from 2011.

I’m not one for New Year’s resolutions, as I like to think that any moment is an ideal time to make a change, but I always appreciate looking back and recognizing progress and growth.

The site grew by leaps and bounds this year, surpassing two million monthly page views. However, what I’ve found most exciting is the increased interest in contributing to the blog.

Each month, I’ve received more submissions than the month before, but what inspires me …

New Year’s Tiny Wisdom Buy One Give One eBook Sale

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To celebrate the New Year, I decided to run a second Tiny Wisdom eBook sale (as I previously did on my birthday in August).

For today only, if you purchase the Tiny Wisdom eBook series (5 eBooks for $19.97), I will send a free set to a friend of your choice. (Weekly email subscribers, this offer is good for you today, Friday January 4th.)

All you need to do is:

  • Order your set (by scrolling all the way down and clicking on “buy now” for the full set)
  • Forward your confirmation email to me at email(AT)tinybuddha(DOT)com
  • Include your friend’s
…