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5 Ways to Find Your People (The Ones Who Really Get You)

By in Blog, love & relationships

“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” ~Unknown

For probably over thirty years—since I was old enough to know I needed them—I’ve been looking for my people.

You know the ones—the people who get you, somehow; who are on the same wavelength. Some might even say the people who share the same brand of quirky, crazy, or oddness that you do. The ones who understand why you do what you do, or if they don’t understand, they either ask or they just accept, and either way is …

Dealing with Life’s Inevitable Pain: 4 Lessons to Help Reduce Your Suffering

By in Blog, change & challenges, mindfulness & peace

“Suffering is not caused by pain but by resisting pain.” ~Unknown

Pain is everywhere. Whether through heartbreak or a broken bone, we all struggle with unavoidable hurt at some point in our lives. Often, even the suggestion of suffering is enough to send us running for cover.

One of our most basic instincts is to avoid being hurt, and for good reason. The world is full of sharp objects and hot frying pans. While our instinctive wiring is helpful when it comes to cooking, it only contributes to our suffering when applied to the pain of relationships and physical discomfort …

8 Solutions for Loneliness That Don’t Require a Romantic Relationship

By in Blog, love & relationships

“People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.” ~Joseph F. Newton

The epiphany has finally occurred. Why on earth has it taken so long? I ask myself this as I look back on the last nine years, which I have spent trying to cover up my real issue. Loneliness.

After getting married at twenty and then leaving nineteen years later, it took another two years before I met another man that I fell in love with almost instantly. He told me from the very beginning it would never be a relationship, and yet I have persevered with our …

Release Your Anger by Choosing to Lose

By in Blog, change & challenges, letting go, mindfulness & peace

“Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on.” ~Alice Miller

I was quietly watching a documentary with my wife when the phone rang. An icy voice informed me that I was supposed to be at work at 6:00; it was already 7:00 PM. It was my boss.

Great, that’s all I needed—an unexpected night shift with a resented supervisor.

In my worst mood, I jumped in my pants at quantum speed and then ran toward the train station on the other side of the street.

Although the road seemed clear, a car was approaching and the driver didn’t …

Stop Over-Depending on Others and Seeking Their Approval: How to Set Yourself Free

By in Blog, letting go, love & relationships

“Some people think it’s holding tight that makes one strong, but sometimes, it’s letting go.” ~Unknown

I got a week off of work recently to spend with myself, which is always a wonderfully centering experience for me. I’m an introvert, so I love my alone time. But as I took the time to introspect about some relationships in my life, my Zen-like vacation mindset disappeared.

It had happened again, and my mood alternated between mad and depressed all weekend. You see, sometimes I turn into a puppet.

You probably know the feeling, even if you’re not sure what I’m …

How to Find Your Path When Life Suddenly Changes

By in Blog, change & challenges

“Never fear shadows. They simply mean there’s a light shining somewhere nearby.” ~Ruth E. Renkel

As an ocean lover, I frequently visit the shore, even during the winter. Encouraged by a day with blue skies and forecasted temperatures above freezing, I hopped in the car and headed for the coast.

The beautiful view of the ocean is the best part of the six-mile walk I intended to do. However, as I neared the coast, I noticed a thickening layer of fog. By the time I parked, the fog had completely blocked my view of the sun and everything at a …

Finding Contentment in the Rhythms of an Everyday Life

By in Blog, happiness & fun

“The simple things are also the most extraordinary things, and only the wise can see them.” ~Paulo Coelho

As the day of my daughter’s second birthday approaches, I have found myself reflecting more and more on the first few months of her life.

She arrived on a Sunday morning as winter gave way to spring, full of life and ready to embrace her humanness as only a brand new human can. There was snow lingering on the ground, and the sunrise that day was full of anticipation and the unknowing that comes along with waiting for something that is impossible …

Addicted to Approval: Reclaim Your Self-Esteem

By in Blog, love & relationships

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

The past few years have been full of hard but necessary lessons that I needed to learn about my relationships with others—their limits, boundaries, what healthy relationships are and are not.

I realized that the foundation for some of my relationships (the unhealthy ones) was my need for attention and approval. This, of course, was futile, because we can only truly feel good about ourselves despite outside opinions.

Because I felt inadequate and overly self-critical due …

Transform Your Relationship by Assuming the Best Intentions

By in Blog, love & relationships

“Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.” ~Mildred Barthel

I used to think he was out to get me. The man of my dreams was continually plotting to undermine my happiness in countless ways, all for some mysterious reason I couldn’t comprehend.

“Can you give me a ride to work today?” He missed his shuttle on the morning I had my first speech, a forty-five-minute drive in the opposite direction. He obviously didn’t want me to succeed in my career.

“Are you wearing that tonight?” Oh great, just before we go out to meet …

How to Use Comparisons for Growth Instead of Feeling Inferior

By in Blog, change & challenges, love & relationships

“The heart is like a garden: it can grow compassion or fear, resentment or love. What seeds will you plant there?” ~Jack Kornfield

Comparison is something we all struggle with at one point or another. Although it’s something that conventional self-help wisdom urges us to avoid, it’s also a way of gauging where we fit in the world.

Usually, when we engage in comparison, we do so from an ego-based perspective and find ourselves (or others) lacking. This approach doesn’t benefit anyone involved, but, until recently, this was my predominant experience of comparison.

I also had the belief that healthy …

You Don’t Have to Believe Your Negative Thoughts About Yourself

By in Blog, happiness & fun, letting go

“The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs.” ~ James Allen

We all have a picture of ourselves in our minds. A picture of what we believe we are like. A picture we choose to believe no matter what.

We can cling to this idea about ourselves all we want, but that will not make it true. This is not as easy to realize and even harder to accept, but it’s an important step toward a conscious life.

I believe we all go through dark phases when our image of ourselves breaks …

The Most Important Thing to Do Before a Difficult Conversation

By in Blog, love & relationships

“You are your choices.” ~Seneca

After four years of radio silence, a former flame appeared in my inbox.

We set up a time to talk later that week. And when the day came, right on time, he called.

We talked. I had many questions. He explained the best he could. The conversation eased into Taoism and Twitter. Totally comfortable.

But for the twenty-four hours beforehand, I was bracing myself.

I was expecting long, awkward silences, angry words, and maybe even a premature hanging up of the phone. In case it’s not clear, things hadn’t ended so well with us.

And …

Taking a Chance on Happiness and Knowing We Deserve It

By in Blog, happiness & fun, love & relationships

“Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.” ~Denis Waitley

I like to tell the story of how I changed my mind about myself and what I was worthy of, and how that change almost immediately led me to my husband—or, rather, how it led him to me. On Craigslist.

But unlike a fairytale, we didn’t go straight from point A (boy meets girl on a sometimes-shady website) to point B (boy marries girl in the church she was baptized and grew up in, …

How Our Addiction to Struggle Holds Us Back

By in Blog, change & challenges, letting go

“Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.” ~Chuang Tzu

Do you feel, on some level, that your life is hard work? That you need to struggle in order to improve things in your world? Do you feel that you even need to struggle to reach a desired goal, to overcome adversity before achieving something worthy?

Our addiction to struggle is an impediment to us feeling the joy of quiet and the now, the place from which subtle and natural development can occur.

This addiction to struggling—the addiction to striving, always trying to achieve—used to hold me back from experiencing …

Why Life Is More Joyful When We Let Go of “Good” and “Bad”

By in Blog, letting go

“Love is the absence of judgment.” ~Dalai Lama

If judgment is the act of labeling something as good or bad, then it seems we humans do it thousands of times a day. Those of us on a spiritual path even label judgment as a bad thing. We know that pain comes from judgment, but it’s such a part of our culture that there seems to be no way around it.

The Dalai Lama says, “Love is the absence of judgment.” And if that’s true, how do we get there?

From the time I wake up and ask myself if I …

We Have the Power to Choose

By in Blog, change & challenges

“Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.” ~Wayne Dyer

When I was twelve years old I returned from a weekend at my aunt’s house, with my mom, to find my father dead in bed. I remember my mom’s screams causing many of our neighbors to come over to see what had happened.

The experience shut me down. I don’t know how else to put it. My father was young: fifty-three years old. It was a huge shock to everyone.

Apparently, he was too proud to get a pacemaker. He died of a heart …

How to Deal with Regret: 8 Ways to Benefit and Move Forward

By in Blog, change & challenges, letting go

“Stay away from what might have been and look at what can be.” ~Marsha Petrie Sue

When I look back at some of the most painful moments of my life, I see myself sitting alone, feeling either immense shame or regret.

It’s bizarre how we can get so offended and angry when other people hurt us, and yet repeatedly choose to torture ourselves, far worse than they possibly could, through repeated mental rehashing.

For the longest time, my biggest regret revolved around missing out on life.

From a distance, people always thought I had everything going for me. Up close, …

Why Self-Compassion Is the Key to Being Our Authentic Selves

By in Blog, happiness & fun, love & relationships

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

I was raised in a family where outward appearance and reputation were important. Standing out was only encouraged if it was within the bounds of what was considered “normal.”

No one ever explicitly told me, “What other people think of you is more important than being your true self,” yet that’s what I learned to believe. It became my mission to be accepted by others, because I thought that only then would I be worthy of love.…

6 Ways to Triumph Over Self-Pity and Defeat Self-Loathing

By in Blog, change & challenges, happiness & fun

“Instead of complaining that the rose bush is full of thorns, be happy the thorn bush has roses.” ~Proverb

Glancing at the ceiling, I waited for the prick as the nurse began to draw blood from my vein.

My mother, patiently sitting in the chair next to my hospital bed, looked at me with comforting and hopeful eyes. This was not the way we had envisioned spending our Saturday.

My mom and stepdad had drove hours up from home for the first time to visit my college for parents’ weekend.

I had spent the past weeks planning activities and college …

Simple Ways to Improve Our Relationships, Starting Today

By in Blog, love & relationships

“My experience is that the teachers we need most are the people we’re living with right now.” ~Byron Katie

I never had a good relationship with my father when I was younger.

Sometimes he expressed his opinions in a rude way, sounding more like an attack than advice.

Many times he apologized after being rude, but I was too cold to forgive or listen.

The years passed, and I never made an effort to improve our relationship. It felt easier to deal with my mother. She was the one I always went to when I needed something, had a question, …